.SOMETIMES RAW.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – Winnie the Pooh. 

I do love Winnie the Pooh. I just finished reading “The Tao of Pooh” – by Benjamin Hoff. Great book.

The last couple of months I just came to the conclusion that I do not want to have bad feelings or harbor any anger against anyone anymore. Why should I really? I am at a place where I understand how important it is to just let go. I am on the verge of leaving again. Leaving what had become so familiar to me, so precious, so great. I knew it cannot go on forever the way it has been but time just flies too fast. There is really no time for all this “BS”. Letting go has become easier and easier for me over the last couple of months. It took quite some practice however. I had to realize that I cannot change anyone’s behavior but my own – everyone lives their own life and reality.

Many times I thought why someone said or did something and I became angry and frustrated that this particular person reacted the way they did. However, I keep in mind that I cannot change someone else’s behavior and I should try not judge it – like “my way is the highway”. How can I judge other people who think they are doing the right thing? I should remember always that the world does not revolve around me and my way of doing things – each and everyone had their own life and reality they live in full with their own reasons and truths why they choose those actions. I believe that this is important in day-to-day encounters. With this kept in mind I am able to realize that I cannot change someone else and I do not have to.

I believe it is important to put my energy into the right place at all times. I have caught myself many times recently talking about the same things over and over, thinking about the same things over and over and discussing with friends – feeling like talking in circles about the same things. What a waste of energy because usually there is no outcome. I just try to remind myself that this is what it is. That I have done everything possible and that going over it without new information does not provide clarity. All I am creating is more negative energy. I am simply not allowing myself to devote more time to this and that chatter and move on and free my mind of it. Meditation has helped me a lot these days as well. Just sitting down quietly without interruption for 30-45 minutes and just closing my eyes and paying attention to my breathing has helped me a lot. Whatever tool works for you – use it!

One more thing I would like to add is forgiveness. This is usually easier said than done. I had this problem for a long time that even though I had an awesome day, I thought about something, or even saw a picture of someone or got reminded of a situation or person and I started getting headaches or felt angry/aggressive/annoyed. All this negative thinking was physically affecting me. Crazy! So I just decided that this is all not important. Who the hell cares!? Why would I even bother? This does not make me feel good and it keeps me down and wondering and worrying and thinking why this person looks like that/does this and that/posts this and that. This all just kept holding me back by keeping me in my past. By simply just not caring it usually brings me an immediate release. Who the hell cares how A, B, and C’s looks? I am able to be in the present  and move on.

I am learning every single day to be better at all this and life is a learning process right? I am an emotional person with quite some worrying and thinking too much about feelings, but usually I am very passionate about how I feel and everything else really and I believe many women can relate to this.

“Don’t marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him”. 

Who said that? No clue. Just read it once and remembered it and thought it would be a great start to this post because it is true.

My husband left today. Back to Mali. This week had gone by so fast. The picture was taken just a couple of minutes before his departure and we were all sad. As usual! It is never easy to let my husband go – especially  knowing where he is going.

My husband was here now for a bit over one week and I see Jean and Joel together, laughter and smiles, this joy and love they bring to each others’ lives and it just stops me dead in my tracks at points. Jean is a great man and husband. I have written more on him than anything else on this blog. I myself learn from him every day. He is compassionate, loving, kind and truly sees the joy in every little thing which I do not because I am not paying as much attention as he does. And I think because of all that and more he is a great father.

I was always afraid of becoming a mother. From never wanting to have kids to meeting my husband and thinking for the first time that the whole “kid-thing” could work for me to finally being pregnant was crazy by itself. Then, seeing the man I love as a parent has been one of the most beautiful things about becoming a mother and I just live for all these little moments I can spend with both of them when we are finally all together.

When I was growing up I dated a lot – all sorts of guys. I do not want to get into to much detail here but I can say that there were nice guys, fun guys, weird guys, strange guys and many jerks as well. Just with the result that I had sworn off serious relationships. There was always something that bothered me so much, relationships with no foundation. Then I met my husband through weird circumstances (almost impossible) and I could almost immediately see him in my future – and this seemed scary at the moment. This feeling you have deep inside that tells you: “This is the right thing!”

Times goes by so quickly – I always try to remember this. We fell in love, moved in together, got engaged, got married – everything seems so long ago already. Then we got pregnant. I think back to this day often when I came home and told my husband the pregnancy test is positive.

Now my son is 1 1/2 years old and every time I see Jean and Joel playing and spending time together I am reminded how awesome this all is. I see my little guy trying to emulating my husband – when he tries on his shoes and walks around, the “papa”, “daddy” (bilingual kid yeah and he talks so much and clear these days); the way he lights up every time when Jean got him ready in the morning, or played with him. And sometimes I even see this little tear in Jean’s eye when Joel does something really sweet to impress him.

Joel is so young still but I can already see how warm, kind and affectionate his heart is, and how funny and silly he can be at the same time. What a great spirit. They are both amazing – and more so when they are together. I am raising my son who is going to be like the man I married and love and I could not be any happier.

Be safe in Mali my love. Je t’aime toujours.

I love writing. English is not my first language but I try to practise and improve on a daily basis. I have been at home for 1 1/2 years now with my son and for a few months now I have the feeling that I need to return to an office. The idea to get dressed in the morning, working a 9 to 5 surrounded by adults who do not just say banana, apple, toys and park all day long, and then come home to focus on my son and husband and spending the entire weekend together is just awesome.

Writing is my passion. I always had a diary of some sort or journal to write ideas down. As it is now, I usually write during nap times (between 2-3pm), whenever my mom or dad take my son to entertain him for awhile and I can sit quietly to write and squeeze in some time or of course when he is in bed after dinner. This is when my “me-time” starts. And I have to admit, I do count the hours  sometimes to when he is finally in bed at night. Especially on days when he is just …. wow…. annoying! We all have days when we do feel bad or we get up in the morning with this bad attitude that drags though the entire day. I understand it very well. But again, any mother can relate.

There are good days and bad days with my son.  Sometimes, all I really want was more time away from my kid. Seriously! I know it may sound horrible but it is the truth.  There is only so much I can give in a day. Sometimes my hormones go crazy and I am feeling suffocated by motherhood. When finally I am able to do things at night and he is in bed and he screams and screams for this and that and whatever reason it is driving me insane. When he was still two to three months old is was really really difficult. He had terrible colics and the honeymoon period of newbornness was definitely over. He did not sleep through the night until he was about nine months old. And then still – I stay up at night to do some writing and research and he wakes up and screams his little head off. At some points throughout this time I was honestly second guessing my decision I had a child. I even said it out loud to people – it was just the truth.

Now it is all good. There are still many tough days, and nights and I felt like I got nothing done;  but that is ok. I am glad my son is in my life. I love him. To get anything – and of course my beloved writing done was a huge learning process. I started going to bed earlier to wake up early and in the mornings to sit in my pajamas, holding on to my cup of tea, baby still sleeping and just write and read away. I am very thankful for this time in the morning and it has taught me a lot about motherhood and life and myself.

This is how I get personal stuff done: 

I hate multitasking. I have to fully concentrate on something and get it done. So some mornings, even though I want to research several things I would like to write about I have to focus on one thing only. The same goes with reading. I cannot have the computer on and read a book next to it. If I really really need to write something I put on Maisy Mouse for my son. I admit it. He is 1 1/2 years old but he loves these little five minute clips. He is not watching this show for a long time – just until I get the main idea I had down.

I always have a little notebook with me for some ideas that come up –  a true writer at heart.

I discovered this really awesome kids-friendly coffee shop where you can actually almost write/read/work and the kids play at the same time WHILE you enjoy your cup of coffee. Awesomeness!

I am very glad that my mom and dad are here to help. As I mentioned before, she/he just takes over sometimes and my son is happy to have Oma/Opa to play with for some time.

Sometimes it is important to be honest. Sometimes I do struggle with being resentful of my husband because he is doing his job in Mali, and I am “stuck with the baby”. That is ridiculous of course, because his work is not easy, he is away from us for weeks, it is dangerous  and he does not get the kisses and love I get throughout the day from my son. I do not want to trade places with him for anything. Still, sometimes I cannot deny that I feel this way, a kind of jealousy that he is seeing all these things and doing all these things but then I am grateful that because of this job we have security, health insurance and are able to stay here in Germany and I can raise our son.

It took me some time and some mornings/nights to finalize this post but it is important to me to give this some time. Some things are not easy to admit.

Love.