I love writing. English is not my first language but I try to practise and improve on a daily basis. I have been at home for 1 1/2 years now with my son and for a few months now I have the feeling that I need to return to an office. The idea to get dressed in the morning, working a 9 to 5 surrounded by adults who do not just say banana, apple, toys and park all day long, and then come home to focus on my son and husband and spending the entire weekend together is just awesome.
Writing is my passion. I always had a diary of some sort or journal to write ideas down. As it is now, I usually write during nap times (between 2-3pm), whenever my mom or dad take my son to entertain him for awhile and I can sit quietly to write and squeeze in some time or of course when he is in bed after dinner. This is when my “me-time” starts. And I have to admit, I do count the hours sometimes to when he is finally in bed at night. Especially on days when he is just …. wow…. annoying! We all have days when we do feel bad or we get up in the morning with this bad attitude that drags though the entire day. I understand it very well. But again, any mother can relate.
There are good days and bad days with my son. Sometimes, all I really want was more time away from my kid. Seriously! I know it may sound horrible but it is the truth. There is only so much I can give in a day. Sometimes my hormones go crazy and I am feeling suffocated by motherhood. When finally I am able to do things at night and he is in bed and he screams and screams for this and that and whatever reason it is driving me insane. When he was still two to three months old is was really really difficult. He had terrible colics and the honeymoon period of newbornness was definitely over. He did not sleep through the night until he was about nine months old. And then still – I stay up at night to do some writing and research and he wakes up and screams his little head off. At some points throughout this time I was honestly second guessing my decision I had a child. I even said it out loud to people – it was just the truth.
Now it is all good. There are still many tough days, and nights and I felt like I got nothing done; but that is ok. I am glad my son is in my life. I love him. To get anything – and of course my beloved writing done was a huge learning process. I started going to bed earlier to wake up early and in the mornings to sit in my pajamas, holding on to my cup of tea, baby still sleeping and just write and read away. I am very thankful for this time in the morning and it has taught me a lot about motherhood and life and myself.
This is how I get personal stuff done:
I hate multitasking. I have to fully concentrate on something and get it done. So some mornings, even though I want to research several things I would like to write about I have to focus on one thing only. The same goes with reading. I cannot have the computer on and read a book next to it. If I really really need to write something I put on Maisy Mouse for my son. I admit it. He is 1 1/2 years old but he loves these little five minute clips. He is not watching this show for a long time – just until I get the main idea I had down.
I always have a little notebook with me for some ideas that come up – a true writer at heart.
I discovered this really awesome kids-friendly coffee shop where you can actually almost write/read/work and the kids play at the same time WHILE you enjoy your cup of coffee. Awesomeness!
I am very glad that my mom and dad are here to help. As I mentioned before, she/he just takes over sometimes and my son is happy to have Oma/Opa to play with for some time.
Sometimes it is important to be honest. Sometimes I do struggle with being resentful of my husband because he is doing his job in Mali, and I am “stuck with the baby”. That is ridiculous of course, because his work is not easy, he is away from us for weeks, it is dangerous and he does not get the kisses and love I get throughout the day from my son. I do not want to trade places with him for anything. Still, sometimes I cannot deny that I feel this way, a kind of jealousy that he is seeing all these things and doing all these things but then I am grateful that because of this job we have security, health insurance and are able to stay here in Germany and I can raise our son.
It took me some time and some mornings/nights to finalize this post but it is important to me to give this some time. Some things are not easy to admit.