On happiness and loving yourself

My husband is back. Back from Mali and I am happy. The end. 🙂 No, kidding.

When I was younger I had an idea of what my marriage was supposed to look like. I had this idea forming for a while, then went back with the idea that marriage is not for me at all. Never will be – and all I want in life is career, school, education, diplomas and traveling the world. People tell you how a relationship is supposed to look. How it would and should go from other people’s relationships and this I must say influenced me in a way as well.

Life goes by so quickly. There is no time to waste really. I am almost married for three years now.  Insane how fast this time went by. I must say that marriage is nothing like I pictured way back when. With my husband I have to say that my marriage is my safe place in a world that is constantly spinning and spinning. To be with my husband feels like a deep breath that grounds me and makes me feel happy – also a little calm in the width of everything.

For me it took a while to lean into this relationship – to just give everything of myself. Some problems I had to sort and work out, deal with and finally accept. Some things that took hold in the back corners of my heart that my husband probably did not even notice but I knew where there. What it really comes down to is that you love yourself first 100% and that it takes bravery to allow yourself to be loved. It takes a long time to show your partner every single layer, even those  deep deep down that you do not want to show anyone but eventually will reveal  – just to allow someone to peer and see what is there. It seems still crazy to me that two people (separate, different people) chose to spend a lifetime together who know each other somewhat (at what point do you really know the other person?) To just think that we live our lives, we exit in our own beautiful own little orbit then we meet someone to try to create our own little universe right there. Right now while I am typing this my husband and I sit outside in the backyard, fireplace going, listening to music and I felt like writing. We still do what we want to do and we are still who we are – I do not need him to feel whole or to exist. We choose to be together and we create this life together just because we want to. And we keep choosing this every single day.

Je t’aime mon amour. <3

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