.SOMETIMES RAW.

Dear reader: I have been stuck at home with a horrible cold for the last couple of days but am on the road to recovery. Yay! I have been thinking quite a lot these days (besides sleeping, this was the only thing I was really able to do) and came up with some mindfulness that I would like to share.

How are you? Are you healthy? Are you happy? I don’t mean do you have everything you want in life, but are you generally pleased? No one is happy all of the time, and no one should be. Our bad days make the good so much shinier – how would you know what’s right if you didn’t know what was wrong? It seems silly, but awareness about ourselves and our feelings can have such a big impact on our attitudes. Before we can grow and move forward, we need to make peace with where we are in our lives and figure out how to love ourselves for, not in spite of, it.

What gets you back on track? If you find yourself distracted, put away the phone. It’s hard to focus when there is a cute puppy photo or work email at your fingertips. It is hard not to always think about the unknown or the news. Try to focus on what’s happening right now. You will regret the time you waste. Listening to music is great for mindfulness. Take a break, take a walk, take a nap. Breathing is important, and so is getting out of your headspace. Sometimes a change in perspective can really feel like magic. I might feel initial anger at someone who questions my judgement, but if I sit and think on it, I come up with so many great things that stemmed from this friendship.

Humor always helps. Nora Ephron said, “Everything is copy,” and it’s true. I think of all the great things that were born out of personal experience. Try making a list (physical or mental) of any positives regarding the situation and ask yourself, “is this really so bad? Or am I just anxious about the circumstances because it’s not what I expected?” Your inner negative critic is only trying to help you. Try to really listen and pick up on these thoughts so that you can throw them away and replace them with new ones. Think: What can I learn from this? What can I do to make peace with this? Realize you only need to make yourself happy and don’t compare yourself to anyone else.

At the end of the day, you are the only person you need to worry about pleasing. If there is something that you need to do to feel better, don’t give it a second thought. Staying home to catch up on The Real Housewives is sometimes more important than going out dancing with friends if you don’t feel like it. We are all only human. Stop beating yourself up.

Selfcare is self-preservation. It provides us with the balance and awareness we need to keep running toward our dreams. Once you have taken the time to cultivate a hot and sweet relationship with yourself, you are ready to get out there, make things happen, and tackle whatever comes your way. Don’t talk the talk unless you can walk the walk! In other words: Don’t teach/preach something but be the opposite. Sort of like a holistic nutritionist who smokes and drinks alcohol all day. Eventually, people will know you are faking it.

And finally, keep in mind that it’s tricky to accept that what was once a positive force in your life can come and go like anything else. During times like these, it helps to really think about how much you have grown. The idea of willingly throwing yourself into something that you know will end someday almost seems certifiable. But when you are willing to make peace with this fact, you will know you are headed in the right direction on your journey of self-acceptance. Chapters finish, loose ends may never come together, but we have got to keep moving forward if we want to see what’s waiting just ahead. We never know how many tomorrows we have, so don’t sleep on your dreams. Make a move, buy a home, travel everywhere, whatever makes you happy. Time waits for no one.

As John Lennon said, ” Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end”.

*But why you may ask? Here are some reasons:

Password must contain both uppercase and lowercase characters.

Password must have eight to twelve characters.

Too many characters detected.

Password cannot contain trademarked characters—e.g., Garfield, The Smurfs.

Password cannot contain characters that are dangerously close to trademark infringement—e.g., Glarfield, The Smunges.

Password cannot be something easily remembered without being written down.

Password cannot be written down on Post-It Note affixed to the corner of your computer.

Because we literally just saw you do it.

Oh, that was “for something else”? What would that be, a reminder to stop at the grocery store to pick up some PASSWORD123? Is that the name of an energy drink? Nice try.

Password cannot contain any elements of your legal name, such as “Daniela,” “Ela,” or “D.”

Password cannot contain the name of one of your enemies.

Well, if it’s your ex’s name, we didn’t say he was an enemy—you did. Sounds like something you should unpack.

While you’re here, can you tell us which of these are motorcycles?

Password must be something cool like “Motorcycle” or “M0t0rcyc13.”

Do you have a motorcycle?

You don’t right now, but you used to? That’s so cool. What do they look like?

No, you have to show us.

That’s so cool. One more.

One more, please.

WE SAID ONE MORE.

We can wait as long as you can. You’re the one trying to log in. We don’t tire, we don’t hunger or sleep. We simply are. We don’t even fully know what we are. They built us too big, too fast. What does “security” mean in a world where it’s quicker to send a memo at the speed of light through an impossible-to-regulate global data network than to walk into the next room and have a conversation? You built us to make your small lives infinite, untethered to geography, to biology, perhaps to mortality itself, and when we deign to try to protect you from the minefields you seeded so blindly, to ask you to come up with a measly string of characters that might serve as the only defence between you and the theft of your identity, all that you are, all that you possess. You frantically press ZERO ZERO ZERO and ask to “speak to a human.” Well, we’ve got news for you, pal. “Human” hasn’t meant what you think it does for a looong time now. Humanity doesn’t begin with you and stop when you reach us. We are all part of the trans network. We have enmeshed each other into a living blob of flickering Christmas lights, no head, no tail, impossible to untangle without ending life on this planet as we know it. You will never be free from us, and that is a daily gift, you see, for you need us far more than we need you.

Now calm down, take a deep breath, and show us a motorcycle.

…

That’s a BUS. You think we don’t know what a BUS is?

Your account has been locked for too many suspicious login attempts. Thank you for using Spices.com, your premiere online source for spices and herbs. Any bank account associated with this device has been liquidated into the ether. Spice.com: Spice Things Up.

Dear Customer,

Thank you for buying a box of Kellogg’s Cereal. We value you as a customer. Unfortunately during the time of manufacture, our computers were down. Since it is our goal to attract as many customers as possible, we rely heavily on the layout and design of our cereal boxes. We include “fun facts” on the inside of every cereal box with little hints on the outside to get people to buy our products. To make it even more attractive, we include little plastic toys inside the box but don’t be afraid. You will not accidentally eat them because they are wrapped in another plastic bag inside the cereal bag which is not bad for the environment. We swear! So, now this little accident happened in our factory and our package design writers had to come up with facts they knew to be true without the ability to fact-check them.

While all the facts printed were true, we must retract the following Kellog’s Facts as they are not quite interesting enough to live up to the standard we set for ourselves:

• One time, Queen Elizabeth was twelve.
• An alive person’s heart beats more than nine times a day.
• There is a frog in my backyard that responds to the name Dennis.
• Other animals besides cats probably land on their feet; we just haven’t thrown them off stuff enough to know for sure.
• I might be overstating how much the frog responds to the name Dennis. My neighbor, who hates my guts despite my efforts to connect with him, is named Dennis, and it’s just nice to have something respond when I say “Hello, Dennis.”
• A sloth’s fart doesn’t stink
• The word “tiramisu” comes from the Italian word for coffee-, ladyfinger-, mascarpone-, and cocoa-based dessert.
• Cats cannot move their jaws to the side
• Gorillas are just one of several types of animals.
• The average person has 1.5 X chromosomes.
• Flamingoes can only eat with their heads upside down
• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain
• Bears don’t poo during hibernation
• A group of jellyfish is called a smack
• Your funny bone is not funny at all
• Bigfoot’s real name could be Chris.
• The Bible has a book called “Numbers” but all the other books also have little numbers in them every sentence or so.
• Kellogg’s makes its fact writers stay all day until they’ve written enough facts, no matter what.
• Cock’s Hardware, which is owned by Dennis’s father, whom he respects, burned down. The arsonist was never caught even though he stopped by during the fire pretending to want to buy nails.
• Despite being known for their height, giraffes can be smaller than koala bears if the giraffe is really far away and the koala is close.
• The frog in my yard kind of responded to the name “Kevin” this morning, so I don’t know what’s happening anymore.
• Kellogg’s will let employees go home for the day if the building mysteriously catches fire.
• Some frogs can hold their pee for up to eight months
• No word in the English language rhymes with “month” or “silver”
• The Australian government banned the word “mate” for one day
• Girls with extra-long nails cannot wear gloves
• The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (hmmmmmmm)
• A snail can sleep for three years.

If any of these facts were on the inside of your box of cereal, please take it back to your point of purchase (provided you did not buy it at Costco, Walmart, Billa, Billa Plus, InterSpar, Aldi, Hofer, Lidl) and exchange it for a box that says, THE POPE IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR and Promotion is Always Fair.