.SOMETIMES RAW.

Wow, you made it through kindergarten; what an accomplishment. Let’s throw a party and make you feel special—you deserve it after all you’ve been through. Those were challenging times, learning to figure out the system that you will be subjected to for the rest of your life. So, let’s start it off right with an undeserved party for making it all the way through one year of drawing and counting and clapping.

Here’s your trophy. You were on the team, and you played in a few games. Coach can barely remember your name, but that’s okay; he got it right on the trophy. This ribbon means you were in the tournament. That ribbon means you got a ribbon for racing. Way to go! Make sure you high-five everyone on your way out, and don’t forget to double high-five your frenemy just to make sure you’re cool. Fantastic effort, you entered and exited the stage as you were supposed to. You’re a star! Here are flowers, candy, and a pizza.

What’s that? Did I just hear that you’re graduating fifth grade? You’re a superstar! You turned 8, 10, 13, 15, 16, 18. Somehow, you just keep aging. That’s incredible, well done. Let’s throw an unforgettable, expensive party just for your birthday! Oh, and there’s no stopping you; you just keep going. You keep going to school and turning in homework that’s asked of you and showing up most of the time you’re supposed to and, amazingly enough, no one knows how you did it, but you did: you graduated high school! The world is yours; keep it up. There’s no telling what you can’t do. Impressive, you’re going to college! Hardly anyone seems to make it that far, and you did- what an achievement. Now, off to do your Master’s in whatever. Maybe even another one after that one. You got approved for loans- bravo! You got a credit card, too. Double cool. You got a certificate! Break out the champagne, you are inspiring future generations. Go take a graduation vacation on that new credit card, you are worth it. Are you proud of your achievements?

Congratulations. You made it to adulthood. Cue the applause. Here’s a debt collector! Here’s a career you’re stuck in, but here’s a discount on your phone bill—since we will expect you to respond at all hours of the day. There’s a mandatory company party, just for fun. Good work, you showed up, here’s a door prize—a company coffee mug. Thanks for coming to the conference. Here’s a folder and a cup and a cookie for your presence. Yum, it’s Tuesday. Here’s a doughnut for coming to work today. You sure seem to be typing a lot and fast. How about we give you this project—you’re just so good at what you do. You’re the best! We couldn’t be what we are without team members like you. The promotion, though, is a different story. We would rather promote someone else. Oh, we know you did a better job, but we simply have to promote the other candidates. Sorry. And we will move you to a different office due to a budget crisis.

So the years will pass. One new tragedy, one new challenge, one new loss. But you keep going until there is only one challenge left. The last step on your way out of this world.

You completed the journey called life, you made it to the finish line even though you’re still 5 kilos overweight. You did it, hurray! Here’s a T-shirt and a whole bag filled with your favorite dark chocolate! You deserve it. You’re amazing! Great job! But did you really succeed? Do you need to be successful in anything? Or were you happy, and can truly say you loved your life? With all its ups and downs? And all the T-Section right-or wrong decisions you have made along the way? All those who led you to where you are today?

The thing is that when it comes to success, there are very few certainties, except that you sometimes have to be willing to work hard, not give up when it gets difficult, and go the extra mile, or don’t and then live with the consequences but don’t complain.

What I’m trying to say is that, in the end, it all depends on how you yourself define success. For me, I went with the achievement of something desired, planned, and attempted, focusing on being and staying healthy, having a good job that pays my bills, enjoying an awesome life, and living in my dream house with some cool souls by my side.

Then, I consider myself a very successful person.

You will LOVE having another kid! It’s the best. I mean look at that little face. Your son would have a sibling. Come on, you are not too old. You are what? Like 35? How could you say no to those chubby cheeks? Honestly, I don’t even know how you’ve waited this long. Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s just a small stovetop fire, but Chris can put it out. When you’re a mom of two these kind of things happen all the time and I’ve become a much more patient person because of it. God, where is Chris. CHRIS! Can you get down here and put out the fire, please?

Anyways as I was saying, kids are a freaking miracle. Are you going to freeze your eggs? You really should if you’re still waiting for the “right one” or whatever. You are also not getting younger. Oh will you look at that, the fire spread to the hand towel. CHRIS THOSE FLAMES AREN’T GOING TO PUT THEMSELVES OUT! Honestly, you can’t get him to do anything. But then if I do it it’s like, I’m doing everything, you know?

What were we talking about again? Oh, right. Babies! They make you so happy—especially two. We even think about having a third one. You might think you’re happy right now, but you’re not. I mean look at my baby, do you really want to miss out on all that joy? Also, really do think about your son. He would love a sibling. He is now 11, no? Perfect age gap. He can take the baby to the playground whenever he takes Minecraft gaming breaks on his computer. I bet your son would play a lot less on the computer and spend more time with his sibling or play outdoors to get fresh air. He would love to have a little brother or sister – one of the only two possible biological genders there are. I literally have no regrets, and I’ve never felt like I’ve had my life so figured out. Ugh, now the carpet’s burning. No, don’t worry. Our therapist said I need to wait for Chris to be his own solution. But then if I yell at him it’s like, I’m the bad guy. I mean, really. Come on.

I guess I just don’t understand why you’ve waited so long with a second one? Your biological clock is ticking away, you know. Every year you wait is a year you miss out on life’s biggest, most beautiful… one second. CHRIS! YOU’VE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR OVER A FUCKING HOUR! GET DOWNHERE NOW! It’s like, is he really going to spend an hour in there just so he can get out of doing one thing?

Anyway, like I was saying, sure it’s tough sometimes but so is everything… that’s… [cough]… [cough] …worth it. Wow, it is smokey in here. CHRIS! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE AND… [cough] …[cough]

Ah, so much better outside in the fresh air, isn’t it? Little Harry loves the outdoors. I keep telling everyone that one day he’s going to be a famous mountain climber or one of those army drill sergeants. I guess he’s going to love it even more now that we’ll be sleeping in our backyard in a tent — just until Chris gets around to calling the fire department.

Now as I was saying, you need to decide what you want. Do you want stability and a beautiful family, or do you want to have your freedom back with only one child and then, when he moves out to study abroad, and you will pay for all this, be alone for eternity? Sure some might argue that marriage is an outdated institution, but honestly I couldn’t be more happy with my life and — oh would you look at that, Chris has been engulfed in flames. Well, at least he died doing what he loved most, which is doing nothing.

Now, let’s talk about when you’re going to get married again, because you really need to do that sooner than later, you know.

Power to understand men

Ability to fly (away sometimes)

Ability to make some people disappear

Ability to turn my faults invisible

Ability to understand why certain things are so fucking expensive (like a new toilet seat! Just the damn seat)

Ability to grow ten times my normal maturity

Sonic shield that prevents people from hearing me in the bathroom

Ability to detect when someone is lying (I am pretty good at this but there is room for improvement)

Self-duplication to create a version of me who genuinely cares about people complaining about work for an hour

Ability to give up control of Netflix remote control

Power to not feel awkward about eating licorice (how come nobody like this?)

Ability to convincingly lie about how much I enjoy going to work

Ability to silence (kill) people who snore

Ability to explain all these different genders to my son. Oh wait, there are only two.

Super-sensing when I’m supposed to be dominant

Underwater breathing ability

Rapid leg-muscle regeneration

Ability to communicate with pets

Echolocation to find things in the dark

Memory manipulation about Playstation-play-time for my son

Not-getting-dehydrated-ness

Ability to somehow look cool in a sleeping mask and earplugs

Ability to control the weather, since I seemingly already have this power, as it’s somehow my fault that it rained when my son and I wanted to go play basketball

Power to instantly be deaf when there are a lot of kids around

Rapid emotional healing and healing overall

Ability to see into alternate future and relax

Ability to read minds, since I seemingly already have this power

Superhuman capacity to deal with insanity at work

Power to say “I’m fine with it” and actually be fine with it

Ability to break through emotional barriers

Sonic scream + ability to explain that wasn’t sonic screaming, you’ll know when I’m sonic screaming

Superhuman hearing

Superhuman listening

Paranormal power of understanding all references, innuendo, and in-jokes someone makes

Paranormal power of sleeping through the night without waking up once

Power to transform tools in the tools aisle I got into those he actually asked me to get

Time compression so every second of someone not responding to my text doesn’t feel like an eternity

Ability to fast-forward space-time to a point where I can be legitimately angry someone didn’t text me back and can start sending passive-aggressive texts

Remote, chill view on life overall

Ability to not loose it over little stuff

Ability to rapidly turn off anger

Paranormal power to influence accidents to not happen

Ability to get along and understand my sister

Ability to travel backwards in time and not send that text I just sent

Ability to sound convincing when I tell him I want to understand his perspective on cheating on me

Ability to search for specific text messages faster

Time manipulation

Ability to beam myself to places

Power to induce superhuman empathy, no, not even superhuman, just human empathy, as some apparently barely even have sub-human empathy

Ability to control firmness of matrasses (they are not as hard as the salesperson promised me it would be)

Power to just let it go

Ability to travel backwards in arguments

Ability to have unlimited annual leave

Power to teleport myself out of a any bad relationship