SOMETIMES RAW

I am typing this article from my hotel room in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, on my day off from work. Fortunately, I was selected to work at the COP 17 United Nations conference here, which is as mind-blowing as this beautiful country itself. There will be (hopefully next Friday) another blog post on Mongolia and what I discovered and experienced in two weeks. This article focuses more on the importance of leisure time, simply time off or a day to rest, which is so important. Anybody who has ever served at a conference knows how demanding it can be and how exhausted one gets after a couple of days. To recharge and relax, one day is already sufficient to get the spirits up again. So far, I am very lucky to have time to explore this beautiful, breathtaking country and all its gems. Sometimes this might be just reading my book somewhere in the park or people-watching.

We all spend our free time differently. For the last few years, I’ve spent some of my leisure time reading about leisure. Leisure is what you do just for the sake of doing it. Most of the time, it’s the things you do away from work, school, and other obligations. But we all have our own definition of leisure and what we consider work or play. 

To me, leisure is working on this website, digging the internet for home inspo, and rearranging my furniture. It’s reading a good book in my backyard, taking a random Tuesday off, having a long lunch, and watching a documentary. It’s also taking a Yoga class, jogging, and spending hours researching topics that fascinate me. Leisure isn’t just “doing nothing.”

I recently read a condensed version of Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics. In it, Aristotle says that “to be at leisure is to be free to pursue studies and activities aimed at the cultivation of virtue.” 

We *need* leisure for our well-being. We always have and always will. Another book I recently picked up is Life and Leisure in Ancient Rome. They went hard on work and business but always prioritized leisure.

“Leisure activities play a very important role in subjective well-being because they provide opportunities to meet real-life values and needs. [People can] build social relationships, feel positive emotions, acquire additional skills and knowledge, and therefore improve their quality of life.”

— An excerpt from this other JSTOR article on leisure and well-being 

Historically, leisure activities were for the upper class. The more money you had, the less you had to work. You could spend more time attending operas, traveling for the summer, pursuing horseback riding, and hanging out in intellectual salons. The lower classes made time for leisure too, but in a way that was more accessible and affordable to them.

We are all deserving of leisure time, no matter how busy we are, how much money we have, or what we do for work. We just have to be intentional about carving out time for it, especially if it’s not a seamless part of your day already. Here are some things I do to bring more leisure time into my life. 

Reading and writing. This will always be my number one!

Research for fun

Research is one of my favorite leisure activities. Being curious makes life exciting. As a kid, I was interested in a different topic every week at the library. One week it’d be clouds, the next week it’d be about poisonous animals. I’ve tried to carry this curiosity with me throughout my life, hence my obsession with collecting interesting books. Go to the public library and check out some books. Make an account on JSTOR and read papers and articles for fun. Visit an old bookstore and pick up a book about something you’ve been curious about. Watch a documentary you wouldn’t normally watch. It feels so good to learn. I like to do this at least once a week. Here in Mongolia, one of the movies the locals recommend is The Story of the Weeping Camel. A beautiful movie depicting daily nomadic life in Mongolia. Go watch it for free on YouTube.

Use PTO for leisure days

One of my small pleasures is taking off a day during the week. Pleasurable Time Off! You don’t need a special trip planned to take your PTO — a simple day of leisure is enough. I love using these days to visit spots that are otherwise too packed on the weekends, like those bakeries with long lines or those neighborhoods that are always too crowded on other days. And make sure to treat yourself to an extra long lunch, too. I once took myself to a nice lunch and then went to see a movie by myself at 2:00 pm. I had the loveliest time in that empty theater.

Leisure in good company

Community is everything — and experiencing leisure as a community is even better. And if there’s something you want that isn’t currently out there, build it yourself. Like a book club. When people make time for leisure and well-being, it affects the whole community — leisure has a domino effect! I know friends who are part of tennis teams, surf communities, and writing clubs, and that’s how they like to spend their leisure time.

Move your body mindfully and leisurely

Nothing makes me feel better than when I dedicate time to moving my body. This can be a 5-minute stretch, a 20-minute yoga flow, or an hour-long Pilates session. It doesn’t even have to be costly, either. Going on a run is free! I’ve been enjoying Krissy Arocho’s running videos. She runs every day, even if some of those days it’s just a short run. When you move your body, it’s for you. And if you don’t feel like moving your body (because sometimes the last thing you want to do is work out), then treat your body to a massage.

No to plans (sometimes), yes to leisure (always)

I’ve had weeks where I had something on my calendar after work every evening, back-to-back events, weekends with hangouts and full schedules, taking care and spending time with my son, household chores — all on top of my full-time job. I’ve gotten better at saying “no” this past year, but sometimes weeks like this still happen. 

If I don’t get enough time to myself, I feel extremely drained, so I try my best to avoid getting to this point. Sometimes you have to be realistic with yourself: should I go to this even though I already have so many other things going on that day? What is my body telling me? You’re allowed to say no. Stay home. Watch a long movie. Organize your closet. Bake a sweet treat. Roast a good meal. Journal. Write your newsletter. Work on your business. Read. Lounge around. It’s your free time, so do what you want at your own leisurely pace.

Lie on the floor

Ideally the grass. I don’t lie on the grass and look up at the sky enough. Stay there for a long time, try to find shapes in the clouds, and take a few deep breaths. If I’m at home, I try to lie on the floor daily for at least 10 minutes, even if it’s the busiest day, because that’s usually when I need it the most. Mini leisure time is better than no leisure time.

I hope you block off some leisure time on your calendar this week (and always).

During my second time in Japan, I ran the full gamut of emotions. More so than the first time. I enjoyed the change of pace from the previous time. I loved the somewhat friendly, yet reserved culture, and at the same time discovered a place of racism. I was blown away by the bizarre and outlandish things that make Japan shine. And sushi. I ate lots…and lots….and lots…of sushi. I was also confused and at times disgusted by certain aspects of the culture. I was bamboozled by the language. And I was overwhelmed by the masses of people.

I made some harsh observations about the Japanese culture that, for me, are weird or deal-breakers in choosing Japan as a place to live. So today, I’d like to share with you some random observations about Tokyo that hopefully will give you a slightly more well-rounded sense of what it was like for me to visit Japan.

Transportation is Expensive, but Effective

…to which you might reply “DUH, Daniela! It’s Tokyo!” Hear me out. I know things like taxis are murderously expensive. But even the trains- the trains that everybody takes every day to and from work, shopping, and play- they’re really expensive. You pay for the train according to the line you ride on, and the distance you travel. So every trip is different.

But there’s good news: since public transportation is the way most people in Tokyo get around, it’s everywhere, and everything generally runs on time. Like exactly on time. The trains are NEVER late. Tokyo is one well-connected, efficient city.

Tip: If you’re coming to Tokyo, get a Suica card right away. You can get them from vending machines at any train station. They cost 1000yen (a deposit that’s refunded to you when you turn in the card, minus an admin fee). Charge up the card with cash at any of the same vending machines. When you ride the trains, you simply swipe your Suica card when you enter and leave each train line.

But Sushi is Cheap

Oh, glorious sushi. It’s available everywhere, even in convenience stores. For less than 4 euros you can get a tuna roll, and the quality is even better. I regularly stuffed myself to oblivion on sushi at 7/11 supermarket sushi, which was super fresh. Now, as with many things in Tokyo, the sky is the limit on price; the more you spend, the better the quality of sushi you’ll receive.

It’s Super Safe

Considering Tokyo is the most populated metropolitan area in the world, it’s ridiculously safe. I left my shopping bags and drink unsupervised at my table while I went to the bathroom; not something I’ve ever considered before. I bet you could leave your phone and wallet on the table as well. As a female traveler, I can walk around at night in most areas of Tokyo without worrying. Driving a car in Japan is also very safe! We rented a car and drove all the way to Fukuoka without any issues. No road rage in Japan.

Garbage Separation is an Art

There is a distinct lack of garbage cans on the streets of Tokyo. If you have something to throw away, you take it home with you and figure out how to get rid of it. There are different pick-up days for wet/burnable/organic waste, plastic wrappers, plastic bottles, cans, glass bottles, milk cartons, cardboard, clothes, and more. And don’t screw up, because they won’t take your garbage (it’s in colour-coded transparent bags so you can’t sneak stuff in that doesn’t belong there). I thought the garbage separation process was finicky in Austria; Tokyo takes it to a whole new level.

Interestingly, this attention to separation of garbage (and lack of ability to throw things away while you’re out and about) makes for a very clean urban landscape. I didn’t see any litter in Tokyo – the world’s most populated metropolitan area; that’s impressive.

Packaging is Over the Top

For a city so attentive to the separation and recycling of waste, I was mildly horrified at the amount of packaging. First of all, because of the work culture, people don’t often have time to cook their own meals, so buying prepared meals at stores on the way home is common. Almost a quarter of every grocery store is dedicated to such prepared food. Every prepared meal comes in its own plastic container, with a plastic pack (or two, or three) of accompanying sauce. That’s a lot of plastic.

Or maybe you want to get some ramen at the 7/11 supermarket to make at home. Each ingredient is separately packaged in its own plastic wrap for you to assemble. Maybe you want some cookies or snacks; within the double-wrapped package are more individually wrapped goodies. And it’s not just food!

I guess all this packaging is a testament to the general sterility and cleanliness of the culture. Which in a place as packed as Tokyo serves a purpose in not enabling the spread of germs and disease. But when it came to separation of garbage, the most garbage I produced – by far – was plastics. And I don’t honestly know if and where these plastics are actually recycled at the end of the day.

Toilets are Funny

I’d heard about Japan’s confusing toilets from afar. So the first thing I did on landing in Tokyo was race to the airport washroom to take a picture of the “dashboard” of my toilet. There are buttons for everything, from ambient music (to drown out the sounds of your ablutions), to bidet spray, to “lady” spray, butt dryers, seat heating, and more. Every toilet is different, so make a point of visiting the bathroom in as many places as possible if such things amuse you as much as they did me. Also, some toilets are squat toilets; a commonality in Asia. They lack dashboard functions, though.

A Culture of Overwork

I find Japan’s working culture to be disturbing, with overtime expected and changing jobs frowned upon. There’s a uniquely Japanese term for working yourself to death. There’s also a uniquely Japanese term for leaving work on time, and it’s akin to a miracle. After a highly publicized suicide that highlighted Japan’s culture of overworking its employees, they implemented “Premium Fridays”, allowing people to leave work early, at 4:30 pm. Most people continue to stay late. People seem super tired and exhausted all the time, or as my son said, they look like robots. In my opinion, they do not have a work-life balance.

Stability (of Job and Home) is Revered

Changing jobs within your first three years out of school is considered taboo, because it labels you an unreliable employee. Moving house too often is also a no-no. Actually, it’s financial suicide to move too often; every time you sign a new lease it’s an expensive proposition with costly “gifts” and “deposits” owed to the landlord, much of which you don’t actually ever get back. In fact, there’s a uniquely Japanese term for becoming poor because you move too often. The term is hikkoshi binbō, which translates directly to “moving poverty” or “moving poor”.

Tattoo Taboos

I have tattoos, big ones, and I’m proud of them. They each mean something very dear to me, and I think they’re pretty to look at. But in Japanese culture tattoos are very much taboo, and still today are considered a sign of connection to the yakuza (Japanese gangsters).

I want to go on a little rant about how tattoos are taboo in Japan, and how it meant I refused to go to any onsen/sento (public hot springs/baths) for fear of being kicked out or ostracized. Although this social policy is apparently relaxing, to my eyes it’s not quickly enough. There are places where you cannot go when you have tattoos. Also, many Japanese people looked at me in a weird, almost disgusted way when they saw my tattoos, which was kind of uncomfortable.

So, I dressed mostly in a way that covered my tattoos. Most people dress pretty conservatively in Japan anyway (eg: spaghetti straps and flip-flops are uncommon). And if you can’t (or won’t) cover up your tattoos, wear ’em loud and proud. Just don’t expect to blend in, and don’t be surprised if you get the odd dirty look.

Such a judgemental close-minded attitude is offensive to me. That’s all. And although the prevailing sentiment is that this attitude towards tattoos is changing, it depends on who you talk to as to whether it truly is.

It’s a Fashion Show

Every single time we left the house, I was impressed by how well put together people in Japan are. The people-watching opportunities are everywhere; Japan is not just about Harajuku Girls and cosplay either. There are many styles on the street, many of them understated and classy. Other styles are fresh and flirty. Both men and women are consistently well-coordinated and accessorized. I guess all this “girl power” stuff pays off in producing a generally pretty population.

Girl Power (or Not)

In the West, we define Girl Power as that of a woman’s independence, empowerment, control of her life, and expression of femininity in a courageous and still flirtatious way. Although I would never have called myself a raging feminist, seeing the attitude towards women in Japan has made me reconsider my stance.

This picture above is a very prevalent ad on the subway. With this sort of slogan, you’d think it’s for something empowering to women. Instead, it’s for a hair removal product. Because Japanese women apparently like to embrace their “Girls Power” by ensuring their arms are hair-free. It’s part of a whole cultural movement encouraging Japanese women to be pretty, and “feminine” in the most delicate (and labourious) of ways. Weird to me.

My rude awakening surrounded the graphic and at times vile exploitation of women (and let’s get it right – more like little girls) in anime and video games, books and magazines. Now, I’m all for some racy content in the right context, but this stuff was everywhere, for adults and children, women and men to see and use like it’s just another day. Exit any one of these stores and walk down the street and you’ll be approached by women in a slutty maid outfits trying to lure you into their “maid cafes” – a place where people (mostly men) go to be doted on by scantily dressed women in an over-the-top cutesy-pie (dare I say “little girl”??) manner. Very weird.

Conclusion

When I arrived, I loved the place. Everything is new! The food is great. The smells are different. The people are friendly. The scenery is majestic. It’s magic. And then, as I settle into daily life and dig around a bit culturally, I often start to see the ugly underbelly of the country (and trust me, every place has one). It always happens; in some places it just takes a while longer for a variety of reasons, and in some cases it’s easier to take the bad with the good. But depending on how bad “the bad” is, I start to change my stance.

Years ago, after a friend showed me a crazy anime movie set in Tokyo, I coined a phrase that became a silly go-to among my group of friends: “Tokyo is years ahead of us in nonsense”.
And while Tokyo is certainly ahead of western countries on many levels (not the least of which is technologically), it’s also steeped in what we in the west would call antiquated ways. This juxtaposition of futuristic and antiquated is one of the most culturally bizarre phenomenons I’ve ever experienced.

Overall, I forgot how jarring the culture shock can be. This was my second time in Japan , which likely exacerbated my feeling like a fish out of water. Cap it off with a transition from Austrian quiet village life to Tokyo skyline, and it’s no wonder I suffered a “crisis of dislike” with the place. But I’m not giving up on Japan or Tokyo; in fact I just might return to the same gig; but not in the summer anymore. Sucker for punishment, or open-minded? We’ll just have to wait and see. For now, I am just glad to be back safe and sound. Afterall, there was an earthquake (two days after we left this particular area!), a volcano erruption (again after we left!) and now a typhoon (our plane still took off while many others got cancelled!). Gotta love Japan. Something is always boiling.

You may be part of the planet. But, equally, the planet is part of you. (I recently watched the movie Interstellar!)

And you can change the parts that get in. Yes, in one sense, it is easy to see that the planet is exhibiting symptoms similar to an individual with an anxiety disorder, but there is no one version of the world. There are seven billion versions of the world. The aim is to find the one that suits you best. And remember.

Everything special about humans, our capacity for love and art and friendship and stories and all the rest, is not a product of modern life; it is a product of being a human. And so, while we can’t disentangle ourselves from the transient and frantic stress of modern life, we can place an ear next to our human self (or soul, if you would rather) and listen to the quiet stillness of being. And realise that we don’t need to distract ourselves from ourselves.

Everything we need is right here. Everything we are is enough. We don’t need the bigger boat to deal with the invisible sharks around us. We are the bigger boat. The brain, as Emily Dickinson put it, is bigger than the sky. And by noticing how modern life makes us feel, by allowing that reality and by being broad-minded enough to change when change is healthy, we can engage with this beautiful world without being worried it will steal who we are.

I look at the clock on my computer. I do this now to keep track of how long I spend staring at a screen. Simply knowing the amount makes you spend less time at a computer. I suppose that’s the key: being aware. And I am also aware of the view into my garden. The pond, all this nature. Peace and calm.

The sun is shining outside my window. I can see the pond in the distance. Dragonflies flying, catching all the flies, little lines of hope. I stare at the water, and it calms me. And I am trying to be in tune with what it is about this world that makes us feel good. This is how we can live in the present. This is how every single moment becomes a beginning. By being aware. By stripping away the stuff we don’t need and finding what our self really requires. And from that awareness we can find a way to keep hold of ourselves and still stay in love with this world. That’s the idea. It is hard. It is so bloody hard. But also, it is better than despair. And so long as you make sure it isn’t something else you can fail at, once you accept your messy flaws and failures as natural, then it becomes a lot easier.

Later today I will be going to a shopping center. I don’t enjoy shopping centers at all. All these people, consumerism, loud, sticky. The key to surviving shopping centers and supermarkets and negative, annoying people or anything else is not to ignore them, or to run from them, or to fight them, but to allow them to be. Accept you don’t have any control over them, only over yourself.

“For after all,” wrote the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, “the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” Yes. Let it rain. Let the planet be. Let people be. You have no choice. But also, be aware of your feelings, good and bad. Know what works for you and accept what doesn’t. When you know the rain is rain, and not the end of the world, it makes things easier. But, right now, it isn’t raining.

And so, the second after finishing this article, I am going to save this document, close the laptop, and head outside. To play.

Into air and sunlight.

Into life.

On Sunday, I will turn 45 (gulp!). When did this happen? The older I get, the more I realize that I want to give birthday parties a second thought and change things up a bit. Like celebrate just by and with myself at a Yoga retreat or with my lovlies far away from people in peace and quiet. Without stress, without huge birthday preparations, satisfying everyone but myself because who has all the work in the end anyway? So, this year I will escape. Because I can.

I recently read (and loved) Julia Turshen’s letter “40 bits of advice” that she shared when she turned 40. It gave me the idea for this article. 

I’ve been nervous to publish this, because who am I to offer life advice?!? When I told a friend about this article his response was, “45 pieces?!? That’s way too much advice,” which made me crack up and also feel very old. 

The below are things I’ve learned that work for my life, not necessarily anyone else’s. So please, take them with a GIANT grain of salt and know that I still feel quite clueless. But these hold true for me. 

On Friendship

1. We don’t make friends, we recognize them. With the closest friends I have, I didn’t have to try. They appeared in my life, and I recognized them immediately. Being friends should be joyous and easy, not hard. 

2. If you want to make friends, do an activity that you love. You will find your people there. For me it’s hanging out in bookstores, books and writing. Also, I don’t trust people who gossip about people they still hang out with.

3. Old friends are the best friends. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have had my best friend Veronika for 42 years so far. Even though we don’t see each other so often. But whenever we do, it seems we have never been apart. Nurturing friendships with people who have known the little-you is so important. I think getting back to that person I always was is a hugely important part of life.

On Gifts

4. Keep a note on your phone and jot down any time a friend mentions something they like, or you have an idea of something to give them. It makes it much easier to give thoughtful gifts around holidays and birthdays. 

5. I think it’s important not only to be a giver, but also to be someone who can receive a gift (or a compliment, or help). I know a lot of people who are wonderful gift-givers, but they can clam up when you give them a gift. 

On Aging

6. It happens fast and out of nowhere.

7. I recently read that you are only as young as you are flexible. Cool! I am super flexible. But I’m working on it (running, Yoga) because I do believe this sentiment is true. 

8. When I hear the term “thinning hair,” I thought it meant going bald. I inherited super thick, strong, and healthy hair so no worries there. But I don’t put any chemicals (dyes, straighening, gels, lotions and potions) in my hair at all. Just keeping them as natural (no blowdryer) as they are works really well for me. Less is definitely more.

9. I take a B-vitamin supplement daily, eat whole foods as much as I can and stay away from anything processed. Less is more here, too.

On Relationships

10. Marriage is overrated. Staying together with the person I love without this piece of paper works well for me.

11. For me, the number one most important quality in a partner is that they make you laugh, that they are honest, and a little bit crazy.

12. I do believe opposites attract. I think sometimes you end up with the one person who has everything you lack and therefore, knows how to push every single button you have. In my head, I try to frame it as “This person was put here to teach me something I need to learn.”

13. Ask for what you need! Nobody is a mindreader.

On Money

14. Have separate bank accounts. Avoids a lot of fights.

15. If you can, pay yourself first. Put money in a savings account at the beginning of the month. Put away money for your kid(s). Do it when your kids are little and be religious about it. When unexpected payments appear out of nowhere (they always do for some reason) you will have money to pay for it and it doesn’t hurt as much.

16. I’ve found it’s better to save up for a really beautiful item I’m proud to own vs. buying something less special. I end up saving money in the end because I use the piece I love so much more often and keep it forever.

17. Minimalism works really well for me.

18. Energy is money. If you are excited about something, you will naturally have energy for it. Good energy and true passion lead to success, I find.

On Stress

19. Don’t borrow trouble. Don’t add more stress and problems to your plate. Don’t worry about shit you don’t need to. Don’t create problems where they don’t exist. Life is hard enough. 

20. I’ve found Yoga to be meditative. Discovering something you can do that makes you fully present and clears your mind completely is so beneficial. Could be an exercise class that’s so hard you can’t think, could literally be actual meditation. Whatever it is, it’s very important to quiet your mind.

21. This parable has saved my mental health multiple times. 

22. Let go of bullshit! In the most stressful moments of my life, this phrase has looped over and over in my head. I’m more of a spiritual person than a religious person, but sometimes things get so stressful you need to simply let go. You can’t control your way out of every situation. Do the best you can and then let it go. Picture getting tumbled by a wave. Fighting against the wave is a losing proposition. Only when you totally release do you float to the surface. 

23. Focus on what’s working.

24. Even during the dark times, don’t forget to bloom.

On Life

25. Everyone is fighting a battle, and we might not see it. I try not to assume everything is the way it looks on the outside. Everyone could use a bit of grace. 

26. Assume positive intent. 

27. Have an attitude of gratitude. If you find yourself complaining, annoyed by a situation, try to fill a whole page with only positive aspects. There really are always flowers for those who look for them. 

28. Hurt people hurt people. People who treat you poorly, act cooler than you, exclude you, are mean, etc, aren’t happy. Try to remember the way people behave is about them and not you.

29. You can’t please everyone. I am super sensitive and grew up prioritizing other people’s feelings. I get hurt when people say something mean, or especially if they assume I did something that I didn’t intend to do. I fail when I stray from my value system. The times I’ve rightfully gotten down on myself were those times I behaved in a way that was not aligned with my core values. So I try to stick to what I believe in at my core. And if someone has a problem with that, then I have to be ok with it.

30. Keep it cute. You will never regret being kind. This is what I remind myself, especially when someone has royally pissed me off.

On Motherhood

31. People can sometimes make you feel like shit if for example breastfeeding doesn’t work for you. It’s not intentional, but the smugness is sometimes there. Here’s the thing: after about two years of age, no one is breastfeeding anymore, and it can’t be lorded over you. Keep going, believing in your situation. Whatever works well for you. Your version is not better than any other form of feeding, and people who make you feel bad if you can’t or don’t are insecure in themselves, and it has nothing to do with you.

32. When I was struggling with my son people often would say to me, “Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems.” I wanted to drop kick them. I was SO tired, so stressed. I could barely function. And you’re telling me it gets worse?!? The first bit of advice is DO NOT EVER say this to a parent of young kids. The second bit of advice is that it’s true. Young kids are more physically exhausting. Older kids are more emotionally exhausting. I find it’s more enjoyable to be tired with cute babies than to feel like someone took my stomach out of my body and is stomping it into the ground as a parent of an older kid. That’s how badly it hurts when your kid is struggling, or when other kids are mean. Being a mom is hard no matter how you slice it.

33. Spend time with yourself. Your life is not on a complete hold, just because you have kids.

34. Motherhood is the toughest, challenging but also nicest thing I have done in my life.

On Work

35. The nuts and bolts of the job are not your only job. It’s also important to be personable, friendly, and easy to work with. A lot of people forget this part. If you’re an intern, be bold and introduce yourself. If you’re shy, pick your head up and say hello in the hallway. If you’re senior level, offer to grab coffee for someone else. I think about 60% of doing a good job is the literal job functions. 40% is the soft skills. 

36. Come from a place of “yes.” Try to find a solution.

37. Don’t stress out over nothing. Usually, nothing is eaten as hotly as it is cooked. Wait, relax, and let time pass.

38. Talk like a human. Forget the jargon and swear a little. Use the words “shit and fuck” sometimes even though your middle school English teacher feels it in their soul like a voodoo doll. And shoutout others when they have really good ideas, regardless of whether the idea included the words “Mandatory Online Training.”

On Writing

39. Scan your piece for the words “always” and “never” and remove them.

40. Less is more. Writing “I am powerful” is more powerful than writing “I am very, very powerful.” Make sense?

41. Here’s a bit of writing advice that applies to nearly everything in life: the specific is universal. For example, if you tell me you loved a meal you ate, it won’t have much of an impact on me. If you tell me about the chicken pot pie your mom made you with carrots and a flaky crust, I relate to it more. In life, this is true too. The more specific you are, the more personal, the more you connect with others. Seems counterintuitive, but it’s true.

General Advice

42.  You feel misunderstood. Everyone is misunderstood. Don’t worry about other people understanding you. Aim to understand yourself. Nothing else will matter after that.

43. Accept yourself. If you can’t be happy with yourself, at least accept yourself as you are right now. You can’t change yourself if you don’t know yourself.

44. Slow down. Lao Tzu: “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”

45. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to doubt. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Allow yourself to change your mind. Allow yourself to be imperfect.

Thanks so much for reading through. Happy birthday to me! Wow, 45 years on this planet! Off to new adventures.

I hope there’s something that resonates with you, and I’d love to hear any favorite advice you live by, too!

Me, fully concentrated on my book and not getting sidetracked by my damn phone.

Are you addicted to your phone? Do you want to spend less time on it? Let’s see how we can achieve this.

Number one is probably: Don’t feel you always have to be reachable. In the not-so-olden days of letters and landlines, contacting someone was slow, unreliable, and an effort. In the age of WhatsApp and Messenger, it’s free and easy and instant. The flip side of this ease is that we’re expected to be there. To pick up the phone. To get back to the text. To answer the email. To update our social media. But we can choose not to feel that obligation. We can sometimes just let them wait. We can risk our social media getting stale. And if our friends are friends, they will understand when we need some headspace. And if they aren’t friends, why bother getting back anyway?

Turn off notifications. This is essential. This keeps me sane. All of them. All notifications. You don’t need any of them. Take back control. Have times of the day where you are not beside your phone. Okay, I am bad at this one. But I am getting better. No one needs their phone all the time. We don’t need it by the bed. We don’t need it while we are eating meals at home. We don’t need it when we go out for a run. Here is something I do now: I go for a walk without my phone. I know it sounds ridiculous to present that as some big achievement, but for me it was. It’s like exercise. It takes effort. Don’t press the home button to check the screen every two minutes for texts. Practise feeling the urge to check and don’t. Don’t tie your anxiety levels to how much power you have left on your phone. Don’t dissapeare in the Instagram and TikTok Reels. JUST TURN OFF THE PHONE.

Don’t swear at your phone. Don’t plead with your phone. Don’t bargain with your phone. Don’t throw your phone across the room. It is indifferent to your feelings. If the phone has no signal, or no power, it is not because it hates you. It is because an inanimate object. It is, in short, a phone. 

Don’t put your phone by the bed. I am not judging, by the way. Most people sleep with their phone by the bed because they are replacing alarm clocks. Everyone I know has their phones by their beds. Maybe one day our beds will be our phones. But I do seem to sleep better when my phone isn’t by my bed. You know, if it is in another room, or even just another part of the room. I know it might be unrealistic. But it’s good to have an aspiration. A dream to work towards. Like in the olden days when we didn’t have phones.

Practise app minimalism. An overload of apps and options adds to the choice but also stress of phone use. We are given an almost infinite array of things we can add to our phones. But more choice leads to more decisions and more stress.

Don’t try to multitask. We have phones that can do everything from reading maps to tuning our guitars, and it’s tempting to imagine that we can do as many things, and all at once. According to neuroscientist Daniel Levitin, we aren’t really made for the kind of multitasking the internet age encourages us to do. “Even though we are thinking we are getting a lot done, ironically, multitasking makes us demonstrably less efficient,” he writes in The Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload. Multitasking creates a dopamine-addiction cycle, rewarding the brain for losing focus. It can also increase stress and lower IQ. “Instead of reaping the big rewards that come from sustained, focused effort, we instead reap empty rewards from completing a thousand little sugar-coated tasks,” concludes Levitin. 

Accept uncertainty. The temptation to check your phone is down to uncertainty. That’s what makes it so addictive. You want someone to get back to your text, but you don’t know if they have. You want to check. You want to see the promise and mystery of the three little circles, dancing with hope. You want to know how your photo or status update is going down. But why do you need to know right now? Why can’t it all wait until after your meeting/walk/meal/daydream? Do people really need to check their phones during meetings, or while attending funerals? Maybe if we understand that the checking is never fully satisfying, we wouldn’t. Because there is no end to this uncertainty. There is no final checking of your phone. Think of all the times you checked your phone yesterday. Did you really need to so often? I certainly didn’t. I have definitely cut down, but still have ways to go. How many times do you touch your phone a day? Or look at it? It might be hard to keep count. Imagine, I say to myself, if you just looked at your phone, say, five times a day. What catastrophe would occur?

Everything around us seems like the world is coming to an end. Never-ending heatwaves. Wars everywhere. Prices increase. Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Earthquakes, you name it. But how to deal with it all? Books might be one way to recover some space. Stories. Fiction. Hiding reality.

When I was a teenager, introverted, struggling to fit in at school, I read The Outsider and Rumble Fish and Tex by S.E. Hinton, and I suddenly had friends again. Her books were friends. The characters were friends. And real ones, too, because they helped me out. Just as at other times Winnie-th-Pooh and and Bonjour Tristesse’s Cecile were friends. And the stories they inhabited could be places I could hide inside. And feel safe.

In a world that can get too much, a world where we’re running out of mind space, fictional worlds are essential. They can be an escape from reality, yes, but not an escape from truth. Quite the opposite. In the real world, I used to struggle with fitting in. The codes you had to follow. The lies you had to tell. The laughs you had to fake. Fiction felt not like an escape from truth but a release into it. Even if it was a truth with monsters or talking bears, there was always some kind of truth there. A truth that could keep you sane, or at least keep you you. For me, reading was never an antisocial activity. It was deeply social. It was the most profound kind of socialising there was. A deep connection to the imagination of another human being. A way to connect without the many filters society normally demands.

So often, reading is seen as important because of its social value. It is tied to education and the economy and so on. But that misses the whole point of reading. Reading isn’t important because it helps you get a job. It is important because it gives you room to exist beyond the reality you are given. It is how humans merge, how minds connect. Dreams. Empathy. Understanding. Escape. Reading is love in action.

It doesn’t need to be books. But we do need to find the space. We are frequently encouraged to want the most extreme and exciting experiences. To act on a heady impulse for action. To “Just Do It” as Nike always used to bark at us, like a self-help drill instructor. As if the very point of life is found via winning a gold medal, climbing Mount Everest, headlining Glastonbury, or having a full-body orgasm while sky-diving over the Niagara Falls. And I used to feel the same. I used to want to lose myself in the most intense experience, as if life was simply a tequila to be slammed. But most of life can’t be lived like this. To have a chance of lasting happiness, you have to calm down. You just have to be it as well as just do it.

We crown our lives with activity because in the West, we often feel happiness and satisfaction are achieved by acquisition, by “seizing” the day, or by going out and “grabbing” life by the horns. We might sometimes do better to replace life as something to be grabbed at, or reached for, with something we already have. If we clear out the mental clutter, we can surely enjoy it more.

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes in The Art of Power that while “many people think excitement is happiness,” actually, “when you are excited, you are not peaceful. True happiness is based on peace.” Personally, I wouldn’t want a life of total neutral inner peace. I would want to occasionally experience some wild intensity and exhilaration. That is part of me. But I crave that peace and acceptance more than ever. To be comfortable with yourself, to know yourself, requires creating some inner space where you can find yourself, away from a world that often encourages you to lose yourself.

We need to carve out a place in time for ourselves, whether it is via books, meditation, or appreciating the view out of a window. A place where we are not craving, or yearning, or working, or worrying, or over-thinking. A place where we might not even be hoping. A place where we are set to neutral. Where we can just breathe, just be, just bathe in the simple contentment of being, and not crave anything except what we already have: life itself. No matter how bad it might seem.

You will be happy when you get good grades. You will be happy when you go to university. You will be happy when you go to the right university. You will be happy when you get a job. You will be happy when you get a pay rise. You will be happy when you get a promotion. You will be happy when you can work for yourself. You will be happy when you are rich. You will be happy when you own an olive grove in Sardinia.

You will be happy when someone looks at you that way. You will be happy when you are in a relationship. You will be happy when you get married. You will be happy when you have children. You will be happy when your children are exactly the kind of children you want them to be.

You will be happy when you leave home. You will be happy when you buy a house. You will be happy when you pay off the mortgage. You will be happy when you have a bigger garden. In the countryside. With nice neighbors who invite you to barbecues on sunny Saturdays in July, with your children playing together in the warm breeze. You will be happy to sing. You will be happy to sing in front of a crowd. You will be happy when your Grammy-winning debut album is number one in 32 countries, including Russia.

You will be happy to write. You will be happy to be published. You will be happy to be published again. You will be happy to have a bestseller. You will be happy to have a number one bestseller. You will be happy when they turn your book into a movie. You will be happy when you are J.K. Rowling.

You will be happy when people like you. You will be happy when more people like you. You will be happy when everyone likes you. You will be happy when people dream of you. You will be happy to look okay. You will be happy to turn heads. You will be happy with smoother skin. You will be happy with a flat stomach. You will be happy with a six-pack. You will be happy with an eight-pack. You will be happy when every photo of yourself gets 10,000 likes on Instagram.

You will be happy when you have transcended earthly woes. You will be happy when you are at one with the universe. You will be happy when you are the universe. You will be happy when you are a god. You will be happy when you are the god to rule all gods. You will be happy when you are Zeus. In the clouds above Mount Olympus, commanding the sky.

Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe.

1. It’s okay.
2. Even if it isn’t okay, if it’s thing you can’t control, don’t try to control it.
3. You feel misunderstood. Everyone is misunderstood. Don’t worry about other people understanding you. Aim to understand yourself. Nothing else will matter after that.
4. Accept yourself. If you can’t be happy with yourself, at least accept yourself as you are right now. You can’t change yourself if you don’t know yourself.
5. Never be cool. Never try to be cool. Never worry what the cool people think. Head to the warm people. Life is warmth. You will be cool when you are dead.
6. Find a good book. And sit down and read it. There will be times in your life when you will feel lost and confused. The way back to yourself is through reading. The more you read, the more you will know how to find your way through those difficult times.
7. Don’t fix yourself down. Don’t be blinded by the connotations of your name, nationality, sexuality, or Instagram profile. Be more than data to be harvested.
8. Slow down. Lao Tzu: “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”
9. Enjoy the internet. Don’t use it when you aren’t enjoying it. (Nothing has sounded so easy and been so hard)
10. Remember that many people feel like you. You can even go online and find them. This is one of the most therapeutic aspects of the social media age. You can find an echo of your pain. You can find someone who will understand.
11. As Yoda put it, “You can’t try to be”. Trying is the opposite of being.
12. The things that make you unique are flaws. Imperfections. Embrace them. Don’t seek to filter out your human nature.
13. Don’t let the marketing convince you that happiness is a commercial transaction. Will Rogers: “Too many people spend money they don’t have, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like”.
14. Go to bed before midnight most days.
15. Even during manic times (Christmas, family occasions, hectic work patches, city holidays…) find some moments of peace. Retreat to a quiet room now and then.
16. Shop less.
17. Do some yoga.
18. When times get rocky, keep a routine.
19. Do not compare the worst bits of your life with the best bits of other people’s.
20. Value the things most that you would miss the most if they weren’t there.
21. Go for a walk. Go for a run. Dance. Eat peanut butter on toast.
22. Don’t try to feel something you don’t feel. Don’t try to be something you can’t be. That energy will exhaust you.
23. There is no future. Planning for the future is just planning for another present in which you will be planning for the future.
24. Breathe.
25. Love now. Love right now. If you have someone or something to love, do it this instant. Love fearlessly. As Dave Eggers wrote: “It is no way to live, to wait to love.” Throw love out there selflessly.
26. Don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t help anyone. Try to do good right now, without drowning in whatever bad you might once have done.
27. Look at the sky. It’s amazing. It is always amazing.
28. Spend some time with a dog.
29. Be unashamedly boring. Boring can be healthy.
30. Don’t value yourself in line with other people’s valuation of you. As Eleanore Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
31. The world can be sad. But remember, a million unsung acts of kindness happened today. A million acts of love. Quiet human goodness lives on.
32. Don’t beat yourself up for being a mess. It’s fine. The universe is a mess. Galaxies are drifting all over the place. You are just in tune with the cosmos.
33. It is okay to cry. Women cry. And men cry. They have tear ducts and lacrimal glands just like other human beings. A man crying is no different from a woman crying. It is natural. Social roles are toxic when they don’t allow an outlet for pain.
34. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to doubt. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Allow yourself to change your mind. Allow yourself to be imperfect.
35. Want less. A want is a hole. A want is a lack. When the poet Byron wrote “I want a hero,” he meant that he didn’t have one. The act of wanting things we don’t need makes us feel a lack we didn’t have. Everything you need is here. A human being is complete just being human. We are our own destination.

I bought these books recently and love them. It is basically about a guy who hates people and wants to avoid human encounters at all costs. Many times, I can relate, especially when it comes to kids and helicopter moms at the playground. Or masses of people in the subway on a hot, sticky summer day in the city. Or super annoying voices and fake people. Here, I want to share a couple of tricks on how to avoid awkward encounters.

1. Do you have a mobile phone? Can you act like you have received an important call?

A. I have the latest iPhone, and I studied at the best school for actors in California for three years, under the tutelage of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger. I have trained my entire life for this moment.

B. Yes, and I once spoke to the clown who played in my son’s school theater who gave me tips.

C. I’m on a digital detox.

If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question.

2. Are there other people at the bus stop? Can you pretend to know them?

A. Yes, there’s a small crowd, including a friendly looking woman with a pug. She’s wearing red glasses to boot, and I have doggy treats in my coat pocket.

B. There is a drunk man wielding a kitchen knife.

C. I am alone.

If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question.

3. Are there any places to hide around the bus stop?

A. Yes, it has a covered shelter and advertising panels. I am a master of disguise and will simply maneuver behind the Chanel No. 5 ad, just on the other side of the annoying person.

B. There is a thin tree, the size of a pole. I could, in theory, stand behind it. My body would stick out, but it would block most of my face, removing any risk of eye contact.

C. There is nowhere to hide.

If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question.

4. Can you run away?

A. I am a world-class athlete, vying for gold in the 200-meter dash at the next Olympics. I can turn and sprint so fast that the annoying person will never catch me.

B. I tore a ligament last week mowing the lawn. I can hobble, but it will cause permanent damage.

C. I have gout.

If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question. 

5. Do you have access to cyanide?

A. Rejoice: my trusted cyanide! I always keep a little vial, just in case. Because, if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that you could bump into an annoying person at any moment.

B. No, but I can see a pretty big rock.

C. Nope. What is this?

If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, then I’m afraid you will have to have an awkward encounter with the assholes. Good luck.