.Jesus & The Easter Bunny.
Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy…
Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy…
Helllllooooo, my darlings! How are you holding up? Are you enjoying the long spring twilight? Kissing the whiskery faces of your pets and friends? Noticing the bright golden green of the April willows? I know you are. Here we are, in our bodies, in the world, listening to music and loving each other.
Wow, you made it through kindergarten; what an accomplishment. Let’s throw a party and make you feel special—you deserve it after all you’ve been through. Those were challenging times, learning to figure out the system that you will be subjected to for the rest of your life. So, let’s start it off right with an undeserved party for making it all the way through one year of drawing and counting and clapping.
Here’s your trophy. You were on the team, and you played in a few games. Coach can barely remember your name, but that’s okay; he got it right on the trophy. This ribbon means you were in the tournament. That ribbon means you got a ribbon for racing. Way to go! Make sure you high-five everyone on your way out, and don’t forget to double high-five your frenemy just to make sure you’re cool. Fantastic effort, you entered and exited the stage as you were supposed to. You’re a star! Here are flowers, candy, and a pizza.
What’s that? Did I just hear that you’re graduating fifth grade? You’re a superstar! You turned 8, 10, 13, 15, 16, 18. Somehow, you just keep aging. That’s incredible, well done. Let’s throw an unforgettable, expensive party just for your birthday! Oh, and there’s no stopping you; you just keep going. You keep going to school and turning in homework that’s asked of you and showing up most of the time you’re supposed to and, amazingly enough, no one knows how you did it, but you did: you graduated high school! The world is yours; keep it up. There’s no telling what you can’t do. Impressive, you’re going to college! Hardly anyone seems to make it that far, and you did- what an achievement. Now, off to do your Master’s in whatever. Maybe even another one after that one. You got approved for loans- bravo! You got a credit card, too. Double cool. You got a certificate! Break out the champagne, you are inspiring future generations. Go take a graduation vacation on that new credit card, you are worth it. Are you proud of your achievements?
Congratulations. You made it to adulthood. Cue the applause. Here’s a debt collector! Here’s a career you’re stuck in, but here’s a discount on your phone bill—since we will expect you to respond at all hours of the day. There’s a mandatory company party, just for fun. Good work, you showed up, here’s a door prize—a company coffee mug. Thanks for coming to the conference. Here’s a folder and a cup and a cookie for your presence. Yum, it’s Tuesday. Here’s a doughnut for coming to work today. You sure seem to be typing a lot and fast. How about we give you this project—you’re just so good at what you do. You’re the best! We couldn’t be what we are without team members like you. The promotion, though, is a different story. We would rather promote someone else. Oh, we know you did a better job, but we simply have to promote the other candidates. Sorry. And we will move you to a different office due to a budget crisis.
So the years will pass. One new tragedy, one new challenge, one new loss. But you keep going until there is only one challenge left. The last step on your way out of this world.
You completed the journey called life, you made it to the finish line even though you’re still 5 kilos overweight. You did it, hurray! Here’s a T-shirt and a whole bag filled with your favorite dark chocolate! You deserve it. You’re amazing! Great job! But did you really succeed? Do you need to be successful in anything? Or were you happy, and can truly say you loved your life? With all its ups and downs? And all the T-Section right-or wrong decisions you have made along the way? All those who led you to where you are today?
The thing is that when it comes to success, there are very few certainties, except that you sometimes have to be willing to work hard, not give up when it gets difficult, and go the extra mile, or don’t and then live with the consequences but don’t complain.
What I’m trying to say is that, in the end, it all depends on how you yourself define success. For me, I went with the achievement of something desired, planned, and attempted, focusing on being and staying healthy, having a good job that pays my bills, enjoying an awesome life, and living in my dream house with some cool souls by my side.
Then, I consider myself a very successful person.
Don’t get married before you live together. You just never know what the other person will be like to live with, and you need to figure that out before marriage. Definitely don’t tie the knot until you’ve traveled together. You absolutely have to find out…
It feels like there is a collective shift happening. Spring is around the corner. Everything changes. Spring cleaning and decluttering is always something I am looking forward to. So, who wants to join me in extending that energy to our consumption habits as a whole?…
You will LOVE having another kid! It’s the best. I mean look at that little face. Your son would have a sibling. Come on, you are not too old. You are what? Like 35? How could you say no to those chubby cheeks? Honestly, I don’t even know how you’ve waited this long. Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s just a small stovetop fire, but Chris can put it out. When you’re a mom of two these kind of things happen all the time and I’ve become a much more patient person because of it. God, where is Chris. CHRIS! Can you get down here and put out the fire, please?
Anyways as I was saying, kids are a freaking miracle. Are you going to freeze your eggs? You really should if you’re still waiting for the “right one” or whatever. You are also not getting younger. Oh will you look at that, the fire spread to the hand towel. CHRIS THOSE FLAMES AREN’T GOING TO PUT THEMSELVES OUT! Honestly, you can’t get him to do anything. But then if I do it it’s like, I’m doing everything, you know?
What were we talking about again? Oh, right. Babies! They make you so happy—especially two. We even think about having a third one. You might think you’re happy right now, but you’re not. I mean look at my baby, do you really want to miss out on all that joy? Also, really do think about your son. He would love a sibling. He is now 11, no? Perfect age gap. He can take the baby to the playground whenever he takes Minecraft gaming breaks on his computer. I bet your son would play a lot less on the computer and spend more time with his sibling or play outdoors to get fresh air. He would love to have a little brother or sister – one of the only two possible biological genders there are. I literally have no regrets, and I’ve never felt like I’ve had my life so figured out. Ugh, now the carpet’s burning. No, don’t worry. Our therapist said I need to wait for Chris to be his own solution. But then if I yell at him it’s like, I’m the bad guy. I mean, really. Come on.
I guess I just don’t understand why you’ve waited so long with a second one? Your biological clock is ticking away, you know. Every year you wait is a year you miss out on life’s biggest, most beautiful… one second. CHRIS! YOU’VE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR OVER A FUCKING HOUR! GET DOWNHERE NOW! It’s like, is he really going to spend an hour in there just so he can get out of doing one thing?
Anyway, like I was saying, sure it’s tough sometimes but so is everything… that’s… [cough]… [cough] …worth it. Wow, it is smokey in here. CHRIS! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE AND… [cough] …[cough]
Ah, so much better outside in the fresh air, isn’t it? Little Harry loves the outdoors. I keep telling everyone that one day he’s going to be a famous mountain climber or one of those army drill sergeants. I guess he’s going to love it even more now that we’ll be sleeping in our backyard in a tent — just until Chris gets around to calling the fire department.
Now as I was saying, you need to decide what you want. Do you want stability and a beautiful family, or do you want to have your freedom back with only one child and then, when he moves out to study abroad, and you will pay for all this, be alone for eternity? Sure some might argue that marriage is an outdated institution, but honestly I couldn’t be more happy with my life and — oh would you look at that, Chris has been engulfed in flames. Well, at least he died doing what he loved most, which is doing nothing.
Now, let’s talk about when you’re going to get married again, because you really need to do that sooner than later, you know.
“I’LL CHECK THAT OUT!” I’m not going to check that out. (e.g. super expensive makeup). Yes, I’m sure you like it, and I’m sure you recommended it to me in good faith. To you, the 80 uninterrupted hours you spent gushing over its merits was…
Dear reader: I have been stuck at home with a horrible cold for the last couple of days but am on the road to recovery. Yay! I have been thinking quite a lot these days (besides sleeping, this was the only thing I was really…
Power to understand men
Ability to fly (away sometimes)
Ability to make some people disappear
Ability to turn my faults invisible
Ability to understand why certain things are so fucking expensive (like a new toilet seat! Just the damn seat)
Ability to grow ten times my normal maturity
Sonic shield that prevents people from hearing me in the bathroom
Ability to detect when someone is lying (I am pretty good at this but there is room for improvement)
Self-duplication to create a version of me who genuinely cares about people complaining about work for an hour
Ability to give up control of Netflix remote control
Power to not feel awkward about eating licorice (how come nobody like this?)
Ability to convincingly lie about how much I enjoy going to work
Ability to silence (kill) people who snore
Ability to explain all these different genders to my son. Oh wait, there are only two.
Super-sensing when I’m supposed to be dominant
Underwater breathing ability
Rapid leg-muscle regeneration
Ability to communicate with pets
Echolocation to find things in the dark
Memory manipulation about Playstation-play-time for my son
Not-getting-dehydrated-ness
Ability to somehow look cool in a sleeping mask and earplugs
Ability to control the weather, since I seemingly already have this power, as it’s somehow my fault that it rained when my son and I wanted to go play basketball
Power to instantly be deaf when there are a lot of kids around
Rapid emotional healing and healing overall
Ability to see into alternate future and relax
Ability to read minds, since I seemingly already have this power
Superhuman capacity to deal with insanity at work
Power to say “I’m fine with it” and actually be fine with it
Ability to break through emotional barriers
Sonic scream + ability to explain that wasn’t sonic screaming, you’ll know when I’m sonic screaming
Superhuman hearing
Superhuman listening
Paranormal power of understanding all references, innuendo, and in-jokes someone makes
Paranormal power of sleeping through the night without waking up once
Power to transform tools in the tools aisle I got into those he actually asked me to get
Time compression so every second of someone not responding to my text doesn’t feel like an eternity
Ability to fast-forward space-time to a point where I can be legitimately angry someone didn’t text me back and can start sending passive-aggressive texts
Remote, chill view on life overall
Ability to not loose it over little stuff
Ability to rapidly turn off anger
Paranormal power to influence accidents to not happen
Ability to get along and understand my sister
Ability to travel backwards in time and not send that text I just sent
Ability to sound convincing when I tell him I want to understand his perspective on cheating on me
Ability to search for specific text messages faster
Time manipulation
Ability to beam myself to places
Power to induce superhuman empathy, no, not even superhuman, just human empathy, as some apparently barely even have sub-human empathy
Ability to control firmness of matrasses (they are not as hard as the salesperson promised me it would be)
Power to just let it go
Ability to travel backwards in arguments
Ability to have unlimited annual leave
Power to teleport myself out of a any bad relationship
Ladies, are you ready for your man to commit to you with the same diligence and enthusiasm he pours into his War Movies binge-watching? Then optimize your relationship this Valentine’s Day with this date guide. This list has something for everybody—long-term lovers, a new fling,…