.SOMETIMES RAW.

via The New Yorker

Some time ago, we watched the movie Eighth Grade about an eighth-grade girl struggling through those rough middle school years. (Have you seen it?) She lives with her dad, and one evening around the backyard fire pit, asks him the heartbreaking question, “Do I make you sad?” He talks to her about why she asked the question, and then answers: “Being your dad makes me so happy,” he says. “It’s so easy to love you. It’s so easy to be proud of you.”

“It’s so easy to love you.” I’ve remembered that line since I first saw the movie seven years ago. How beautiful are those words? How cherished would you feel if someone said that to you?

It made me think about things I’ve said to my own child — sentiments I’ve meant, very deeply — and what phrases I’ve heard from my own parents, and what I’ve heard other parents tell their kids. Of course, people show love in many different ways — giving your full attention, paying for dinner, making a bowl of cut fruit — and some people feel twitchy when it comes to direct praise and sweet nothings, and that’s fine! But if, like me, your love language is words of affirmation, here are a few things you might say to your child, if they feel right to you…

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I will always be here for you.

Even when I’m mad, grouchy, or tired, or you’re mad, grouchy, or tired, I always love you.

When you’re with me, when we’re apart, when we’re awake, when we’re asleep, I always, always, always love you.

There is nothing you could ever do or say that would make me not love you.

I love to hear what you think.

I love you with my whole heart.

I love every age you’ve been, and it’s a gift and joy to watch you grow up. I love to watch you play.

You have good instincts.

Trust your instincts.

You can trust yourself.

I’m so happy to be your mom.

I love being your mom.

You bring me joy every day.

You can do hard things. I’ve seen you do them before, and you can do them again.

You can run through the storm.

It’s so brave to feel your feelings; some people live their whole lives without being able to do that.

Whatever you feel is normal; you’re never, ever the only one.

Anything you can even think of, someone has felt and done before.

You can tell me anything.

Nothing you say will surprise or shock me; I’ve heard it all before.

I’ll never be grossed out or embarrassed by anything you tell me; it’s all normal.

I’m always here if you need me.

You’re a beautiful person.

You are always on my mind.

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Thoughts? How do you show love to your children? What’s your love language? I’d love to hear. xoxo

Me, posing and staring at my son who is doing something he is not supposed to.

So you want to have a baby. Spring is around the corner and people are getting ready to reproduce. I heard too much baby-talk lately so I think it is necessary to enlighten some of you out there. Let’s get pregnant, honey. That’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made in your life. And with it comes an endless list of to-dos, supply needs, and pointers to make sure you don’t screw up this kid’s childhood. But before you get to any of that, have you double-checked that you have all the necessary prerequisites to be eligible for the role of “parent”?

Surely, if you’re ready to take on that responsibility, all of the below should be no problem:

 Keep a minimum of two plants alive for at least three months

 Plug in your phone before going to bed so it’s not dead when you wake up five nights in a row

 Mark all 6,709 unread emails on your phone as “read”

 Learn the difference once and for all between shallots, scallops, and scallions

 Cancel the subscription to the gym membership you accidentally enrolled in five years ago

 Carry a watermelon around for a full day without dropping it

 Schedule a doctor’s appointment about that thing

 Schedule a dentist appointment about that other thing

 Schedule a therapist appointment about many things

 Breathe exclusively through your nose until you’re done reading this list

 Delete any tweets you may have written talking shit about babies

 Ask your parents if your own existence was really worth the effort

 Schedule another therapist appointment after the above conversation

 Three to five years relevant experience in keeping yourself and things (plants, cats, dogs, fishies….) alive

 Ask yourself if you really want to go back to living with a roommate at this stage of your life

 Review your calendar and make sure you don’t have any commitments over the next two decades that would conflict with raising a child

 Watch Being John Malkovich right away. This has nothing to do with learning about parenting, but it’s just the kind of movie that’s a little too heady for a baby to appreciate

 Listen to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac without crying

 Listen to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac and realize that it’s actually brave if you cry

 Couldn’t hurt to brush up on your multiplication tables

 Start eliminating baby names based on who’s trending online

 Unmute all your parent friends whose Instagram posts are quickly shifting from obnoxious to relatable

 Forget every statistic you’ve ever read about climate change and overpopulation

 Get in the habit of spelling out words you don’t want your kid to repeat, like F-U-C-K-I-N-G-S-H-I-T

 Google “having baby scared don’t know what i’m doing”

 Get ahead of the curve and familiarize yourself with the PAW Patrol extended universe

 Shriek in the background of your partner’s Zoom calls to make sure they’ve got a handle on the mute button

 Attend a mandatory three-hour virtual seminar about how to properly onboard your baby into existence

 Update your household’s style guide to render a verdict on whether to call the baby by its first name, a nickname, or “Mr. Baby”

 Reach out to current moms (at any child stage but preferably newborns or teenagers) you know for an informational coffee at their home with the kid(s) present

 Remember that no matter how unfathomable becoming a parent may seem, literally billions of people have done it before you, and most of them didn’t have iPads to shove in front of their kids’ faces when things got tough. It will be miserable, it will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and it will be a great excuse to stock up on applesauce

 Oh shit, almost forgot: DIAPERS. Jesus, yes, definitely get an avalanche of diapers. However many diapers you think you need, quadruple it. You will no longer have a home. You’ll have a diaper storage unit with beds in it

So, I am obsessed with everything Japan. When I travelled to Tokyo last year, I realized that Japanese technology and lifestyle is way into the fulive well in the future already. While I was in awe most of the time, I even fell in love with the Japanese toilets. Especially after watching the Japanese movie “Perfect Days”. Since my toilet at home needs repair, I am considering purchasing one of these babies because once you have a Japanese toilet, it will take going to the toilet to a different level. This is probably how it will all go down, though (no pun intended):

Congratulations, we’ve successfully installed your new Japanese toilet. I’m Haruki, your toilet technician, and—I hear you loud and clear: you desperately need to go number two. Let’s get you logged into your new toilet.

No, I’m afraid you can’t “just go fast and then log into the toilet”—you need to activate your Murakami subscription to enable flushing. Don’t think of it as a recurring monthly fee for standard toilet functionality; consider it the premium you pay for our constantly evolving suite of features.

All right, your toilet is ready for Bluetooth pairing. I promise, after this quick initial setup, you’ll think: “I can’t believe I used to poop the old-fashioned way.” Yes, you do need to enable two-factor authentication, or else your toilet lid won’t unlock.

Let me repeat back what you just said to me. You said: “Please, please, please, for the love of God, hurry up.” Did I understand your concern correctly? Great—I see the problem: you downloaded version 2.1.1 of the Murakami app, the version currently available in the App Store. We just need to manually override you to the unreleased nightly beta build, or the toilet will spit poop out backwards. I assume you’ve broken your phone? Not a problem; I’m happy to void your iPhone’s warranty for you.

I understand you’re currently about to explode. Almost done: we just need to establish your butt fingerprint. I’m afraid it is necessary—that is, if you want to receive your sixteen-dimensional Gut Intelligence Report, including microbiome, inflammation, and other exciting metrics. I’m afraid it’s completely impossible to enable this feature at any time other than the initial setup—and it’s sort of the entire point of a Smart Toilet.

Perfect—you’re now 100 percent set up! And we just need you to pick your “package”, which is technically not part of the setup phase. I recommend the Premium Plus Package, although the Gold Plus Premium Package does let you flush toilet paper. No, you cannot flush regular paper—only Smart Paper, which is currently impossible to find due to supply-chain issues.

I understand your poop situation is now at DEFCON-2, and yes, I am aware that lower DEFCONs are, for some reason, worse. I just need you to accept the terms and conditions—no, of course, we’re not sending your feces to the cloud. We only send your fecal data to the cloud. But don’t worry: it’s 98 percent encrypted.

No, we’re not a poop data-collection company. We’re a poop data-collection and monetization platform, but again, have no fear: we don’t sell your poop data to the highest bidder. We sell your poop data indiscriminately. Just imagine: by scanning your poop, we could detect you have Crohn’s disease up to two years before your primary care physician—and we’ll even tell you about it if you upgrade to the Certified Gold Members Tier.

Congratulations, you’re now ready to poop!

Oh… hmm… it looks like your toilet doesn’t recognize your butt fingerprint. Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal, but you should know your toilet is currently calling the police.

The “Tokyo Toilet” refers to a public art project and has inspired a photo book and the Oscar-nominated movie Perfect Days directed by Wim Wenders. The project involved renowned architects designing 17 unique public restrooms in Shibuya, Tokyo, which serve as the setting for the film.

Happy reading, happy pooping and go watch that movie, it’s amazing.