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.A Day at the Condom Factory. *

*This is how I think it is like working at a condom factory. Reminder: It can always be worse. EMPLOYEE: You see any good penises lately? SECOND EMPLOYEE: It’s Friday. So, yes. EMPLOYEE: Me too. Our whole job is to look at, then discuss penises at…

.Book Thursday.

It’s about time I finally cracked this charming little book open. I’ve had it sitting on my bookshelf for a while. The book is a tribute to bookstores, book lovers, and England. This epistolary novel delivered exactly what I expected it to! If it hadn’t…

.30 Day Sex Challenge for Parents.

DAY 1: Entice your partner by dressing in lingerie and performing a striptease. Don’t smile too much — mysteriousness is sexy. Also, when you smile, your partner can see the mouthguard you wear every night to protect your teeth from stress-induced grinding.

DAY 2: Find a new place in the house to have sex. Since the kid(s) can wander in at any point, steer clear of the kitchen, living room, dining room, bedrooms, bathroom, guest room, stairway, laundry room, and attic. But there’s still the crawlspace! Oh, and that damp corner of the concrete basement that always smells like body odor.

DAY 3: Watch a Kama Sutra video to inspire a new position. While you’re at it, could you email Jayden’s mom and ask her for some new snack ideas? Every day your kid’s been coming home with his lunchbox practically untouched. He said he liked pistachios! You heard him!

DAY 4: Shower sex. Apply generous quantities of soap to each other’s naked bodies and enjoy the smooth sensation of — whoa, where did the non-slip bathtub stickers go? You can’t just step into a bare tub, it’s dangerous. Yes, I know Jenny’s afraid of seahorses — that’s why I bought the dolphin stickers… they’re under the sink… behind the lice shampoo. Behind. Behind. Behind. Do you not know what “behind” means? Forget it, I’ll do it, just move.

DAY 5: Read erotica together in bed. For bonus points, read out loud to each other. Just be sure to close the kid’s room door first. Also, unplug Alexa: you don’t need some random person from LinkedIn hearing your rendition of Hot Yoga: Getting Down Dog and Dirty.

DAY 6: Give your partner a sensual massage. Start by rubbing their shoulders and move slowly down their back. Be sure to whisper coquettish things in their ear like, “Your mother keeps emailing me about our summer plans,” and “I worry you’re not eating enough salads.”

DAY 7: Share a wild fantasy with each other by email during the day, then play it out at night. Find a night when you can take your time. Monday and Wednesdays are no-go because the kids have karate, and Tuesday and Thursday nights are Jenny’s ballet practice. Alternate Fridays are Girl scouts, Saturdays are booked up with Jayden’s soccer travel, and every other Sunday evening is community chorus. So… next Friday? Hang on, let me get the calendar, I think we have a dinner.

DAY 8: Sneak in a quickie tonight. A fun, speedy session keeps things lively, and can also be a handy way to get through the repetitive credit sequence of the Netflix show you’re binging.

DAY 9: Road trip! Hop in the car for a night drive, then find a secluded spot to park and have furtive car sex like teenagers. Since you can’t hire a sitter for less than three hours, you might as well bring back the folding chairs to the store first. They’ve got a surprisingly hassle-free return policy that almost makes up for those endless lines.

DAY 10: Roleplaying. Try out a classic pairing, like football player and cheerleader, priest and confessor, Rachel and Ross. If you start to feel self-conscious, just remember that not too long ago it felt strange to think of yourself as a parent, and yet now it’s overtaken every identity you have.

DAY 11: Ladies night. Whatever Mama wants, she gets — including eight uninterrupted hours of sleep. Meow!

DAY 12: Food & sex. Tonight you combine two delicious pleasures. Just be sure to put a towel down first, because strawberry juice stains are impossible to get out. And don’t use the raspberries — I’m saving those for Jenny’s birthday cake. Actually, don’t eat the strawberries either, I might want those for the frosting. All berries are off-limits. Use the green apple in the fridge.

DAY 13: Take turns blindfolding each other. Just like you were blindsided by the drudgery of parenthood.

DAY 14: Break out the lather and razors because tonight you’re going to shave each other’s most private regions. There’s no better way to build intimacy. Well, one of you could also expel a screaming baby from your straining body cavity over a period of sixteen hours while the other watches helplessly… but shaving works too.

DAY 15: Halfway there! If you haven’t managed to actually have sex yet, now’s your chance to reset. Start over tonight with a racy session of… Honey? Are you asleep?

DAY 16: Snuggle up in bed and watch porn together. Try to find something that turns both of you on. No, The Crown doesn’t count. I know you’ve been asking to watch it together but tonight is… fine… I said fine… I’m not making an expression, this is just my face.

Day 17: Cosplay! If you’re new to the practice, cosplay is just Halloween for adults, except there’s no candy and the costumes cost hundreds of dollars. It makes no sense. But neither does devoting the prime of your life and the bulk of your income to raising children who will eventually abandon you. Suit up, Batman!

Day 18: Tonight you’ll make your own dirty movie. In addition to fulfilling a fantasy, you’ll also learn about the importance of lighting and how Google Cloud works.

DAY 19: Skip a night because one of the kids got sick.

DAY 20: Still sick.

DAY 21: Now your other kid is sick.

DAY 22: Now you’re sick. And you have your period.

DAY 23: Dirty talk. If you feel shy, wait until you’re embroiled in another argument, and instead of saying “____ you,” say “_____ me”. Watch the erotic sparks fly.

DAY 24: Only one week left! Come on, we have to do it once this month.. oh, begging isn’t sexy?… you know what, I don’t need this either.

DAY 25: Have sex in a chair. Try the one that’s supposed to have been reupholstered but every weekend goes by and there it is still, tattered and neglected. Hey, maybe this way a certain someone will actually notice it.

DAY 26: Take turns dominating each other. But not in the psychologically damaging way that lately comprises your relationship, as you lash out because of your ruined expectations, weary disillusionment, and resentful exhaustion—tonight, do it in a fun, sexy way!

DAY 27: Wine pairing. What goes best with a tired, over-familiar body shrugging through the rote motions in the hopes that you’ll finish already? Pinot Noir sounds about right.

DAY 28: Determine each other’s spirit animal and tap into that primal nature for some savage lovemaking. Maybe your partner is a lion, wolf, or bear… aw, remember when Jayden used to listen to “Here Comes a Bear” non-stop? That was so sweet. And he’d sing along with the Wiggles in his raspy little boy voice. Now all he does is play Minecraft. Everyone says the time will fly by, but you don’t believe them. Until it does… Sorry, what were we doing again?

DAY 29: Advanced-level Kama Sutra. Find two or three challenging positions to attempt. Maintain the mystical energy by avoiding questions like, “Wouldn’t it be easier to work with gravity?” “Is it supposed to bend like that?” and “Why would a donkey even try to mate with a monkey?”

DAY 30: Congratulations! You made it to the last day of the challenge. Celebrate by having sex at a time other than the seventeen minutes after the children are all finally asleep in their beds, their lunchboxes have been packed for school, the living room straightened up, kitchen counters wiped down, dogs walked, calendar updated, and before the soft, dark hand of sleep has mercifully closed your eyes.

.Book Thursday.

My great friend Ursula (movie-night soon!) recommended “The Enchanted April” by Elizabeth von Arnim and I have to say that it was a delightful little story that I highly recommend. What the book is all about: Four women, previously unknown to one another, leave a…

.The Alien from Planet Uranus…*

*which is a gas planet. Ur-anus, gas planet! Get it? Funny! The other day I was out for a walk in the evening and saw this little tiny blue alien sitting close to the freshly plowed field. “What the hell,” I thought. The little creature…

.Book Thursday.

Every season, there are those books everyone starts buzzing about: Gone Girl! The Goldfinch! Fifty Shades of Grey. They explode all over your social media feeds and populate the front tables at your local bookstore. (And eventually, they turn into movies.) So, just in time for spring, I rounded up five of some big, and most talked about books…

Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff
There’s a good chance you’ve seen this book’s cover in my Instagram feed (or if you haven’t, that you will very soon). It graced the cover of last weekend’s Times Book Review, where it received paragraph after paragraph of glowing praise. The story of a marriage told first from the husband’s, then wife’s, perspectives presents two very different accounts of the same relationship. If you love inventive prose, emotionally complex characters, plots with intricate puzzle pieces — or simply reading about relationships — this one is for you. Every story has two sides. Every relationship has two perspectives.

Everybody Rise by Stephanie Clifford
Set in New York just before the 2008 recession, this debut novel (and instant bestseller) from a veteran New York Times writer has earned her the title of “a modern-day Edith Wharton.” Part social satire, part cautionary tale, Everybody Rise tells the story of Evelyn, a well-meaning but endearingly flawed protagonist who tries to make it in high society. With a tightly-wound plot and plenty of funny moments, I’m halfway through and enjoying it so far.

Purity by Jonathan Franzen
Hailed by critics as a “magnum opus,” the latest novel from the author of Freedom and The Corrections might be the most-hyped book of the season. The novel’s protagonist is Pip “Purity” Tyler, a young woman grappling with a pointless job, crippling student debt and a toxic relationship with her mom… along with plenty of sex, travel and murder. With his ambitious narratives and unmatched literary prose, Franzen has been called the finest writer of today. Like The Goldfinch in 2013, this is one of those tomes seemingly everyone will read. (Or pretend to read. Or purchase and keep telling themselves they’re going to read.)

A Window Opens by Elisabeth Egan
This debut novel from the books editor at Glamour has made appearances on countless “best of” lists and drawn comparisons to Bridget Jones’ Diary and I Don’t Know How She Does It. The book follows Alice, a mostly happily married mother of three, who is proud of her “balancing act,” until life inevitably gets in the way. People magazine hailed it as “a fresh, funny take on the age-old struggle to have it all.” The stream of glowing praise (and nearly 5-star Amazon rating!) have made it next on my list.

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
The new nonfiction offering from the author of Eat, Pray, Love is Gilbert’s first foray into “self help” territory. Drawing from her own experience, she promises an honest examination of the creative process, including how to find the “strange jewels” hidden within each of us. If it’s anywhere close to as inspiring as her TED talk on the subject, it’s sure to be wonderful. And after all, who couldn’t use a little (big) magic?

What are you reading these days? Are there any books you’re looking forward to checking out? I’d love to hear!

.How to Go to the Bathroom while Wearing a Jumpsuit. *

*Because it is all fun and games until you are in a bathroom stall. You step inside the bathroom and shut the door. You lock the door. Get a good look at yourself in the dim lighting. You look great. Remember this because you’re about…

.Book Thursday.

Spring is around the corner, my darlings. I love everything about spring. The days are longer, more sun, warmer, more time spent outside, and long sunset evenings with friends and family. And of course, time spent with good books. So, determined to get excited about…

.33 Things that are EASIER With a Penis.

1. Peeing standing up.

2. Swinging it around like a helicopter.

3. Reaching things from the top shelf.

4. Wearing the same pair of pants to work all week.

5. Giving a presentation without being interrupted.

6. Getting a promotion.

7. Getting offered a salary commensurate with experience.

8. Getting paid more than they deserve for the work they’re doing.

9. Going their entire career without experiencing sexual harassment.

10. Being taken seriously at the doctor.

11. Getting there without a GPS.

12. Telling the GPS it’s wrong.

13. Dumping clean, unfolded laundry on the bed and calling it a day.

14. Washing one fork and saying they did the dishes.

15. Referring to time spent with their children as “babysitting.”

16. Forgetting their kid’s birthday.

17. Being forgiven for forgetting their kid’s birthday.

18. Taking an Uber alone after 9 pm.

19. Leaving their drink at the bar and going to the bathroom.

20. Walking down the street and not having an 85-year-old man drunkenly yell, “Hey sexy!”

21. Gaining ten pounds without being judged for the rest of their lives.

22. Baking five loaves of bread and eating them all in one sitting without shame.

23. Never getting asked about their “biological clock” and whether it is “ticking.”

24. Never getting asked if they think they really can “have it all.”

25. Not having to have an opinion about Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.

26. Not having to pretend they liked Big Little Lies.

27. Getting elected to neighborhood watch.

28. Getting elected to the school board.

29. Getting elected to the state legislature.

30. Getting elected to Congress.

31. Getting elected to the Senate.

32. Getting elected president.

33. Achieving an orgasm. Every. Single. Time.

.Book Thursday.

And now, one of my favorite topics: books. What are you reading these days? There is no shortage of amazing books right now and I am here for it. Both fiction and nonfiction, from hilarious to poignant, here’s what I have been reading… Save Me…


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