So, should I start by talking about all the at-home Yoga workouts I have been pretending to do, or all the banana bread I have been baking for Instagram? Or, what if I told you that everything we knew about slowly going insane on a desert island was wrong? Or, that all you need is a virus that is so dangerous that you need a test to figure out if you have it?
Or, better let me start this way. My computer is pretty old and refurbished and there will be a need for a new one pretty soon. I got a slight reminder that a trip to a computer store is imminent when my beloved MacBook Air crashed after an update. But, I also love to save money, and whenever I can keep this baby with me, I will do so. I didn’t want to bother my brother who is pretty successful and busy with his IT company MR Studios in Prague to help me fix this mess. This is when I decided to have an online chat with a MacBook Specialist at WordPress.
Hi, my name is Daniela. I am having trouble with my computer.
Hi, my name is Anton. How can I help you? What’s the trouble? [for some reason I hear him breezing heavily and I feel a virtual eyeroll. My brother usually does that as well whenever I ask him computer-or math questions]
My screen freezes whenever I open WordPress and want to access my blog.
Okay, let’s try this. Do you see the “System Preferences”?
No, where is that? Ohhhhh….. wait, I see it.
Yeah, it is in the “toolbar”. Found it?
Yes. [I wish I could be at a bar right now]
Click on the Apple icon and scroll down to System Preferences.
Do you see something that looks like a pie?
Yeah, actually next to me in the kitchen. I made pumpkin pie yesterday. It is awesome. Fall is a great season because everything pumpkiiiiiin, right?
………………. Here is what I want you to do. Do you see an icon that looks like a grey gear? I want you to update your system.
Okay, I did that. It says, “System is up to date”. What should I do next?
Are you able to lick the screen on your computer?
Are you serious? Just like…. lick?
Okay. Done. It tastes citrusy.
Now press very hard on Delete and Shift at the same time. Then stamp your feet three times. Did WordPress and your blog open?
Something opened, yes.
Good, here is what you need to do. Walk in. It is narrow. You will have to crawl. Let me know when you are inside the wall.
I am in.
Where are you now? There should be a lever. DO NOT pull the lever.
I already pulled it.
Is there a tiny person with a green jacket on? Don’t ask him to take you to the cyclops or play Song of Storms from the game “Zelda”.
But I love this song. I asked him and he is considering it. I don’t know what that means.
…….. Do you want your computer to work or not? Okay, don’t mind. Just go back to your Apple menu. Are you with me?
Are all your updates up to date or is the gnome saying something?
He is asking for a cold coin.
Okay, do you have Apple Pay?
Nope. And this little guy is getting really angry. He wants me to solve a riddle to continue. “What has four suns but only one moon?” What the f**** is going on with my computer? He is now cursing and waving some torch at me.
Let’s try this……. You can answer the gnome by jumping on the Y key with all of your might. Then the cyclops cannot be too far behind you so you can destroy him. There should be a lot of metal and wires and things. Do not be afraid.
I now gave him my watch, which has calmed him down momentarily.
Do you see the damn menu bar?
Uh….. yeah. [Wondering if Anton is getting angry]
CLICK ON THE APPLE ICON! THEN CLICK SYSTEM PREFERENCES AGAIN. CLICK ON SOFTWARE UPDATE. DO NOT DO ANYTHING ELSE.
Okay, okay. Now, the princess is safe and she gave up her throne because she did not believe in social stratification. 🙂 I want to evaporate into pure energy. Now, that my computer works again my corporal body will be gone forever, but my soul will live on.
🙂 You are funny!
Hahaha, thanks. Everything works again. Now that I can watch and open whatever I want, whenever I want, my life has no structure anymore.
Is your screen still frozen?
I AM THE SCREEN.
🙂 I hope this has been helpful. Would you mind taking a short survey to let us know how I was doing?