.SOMETIMES RAW.

A couple of days ago, I watched Ghost with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, one of my all-time favorite movies. (Crying every.single.time) So, what happens when we die, Mom,” my son asked after the movie. “Is there such thing as heaven and hell?” Well, is there? It is at least a nice thought to think to be up there “in heaven” and meet all your family and friends again, right?

With fall approaching fast, and everything turns dark and grey, questions of death and dying are naturally creeping up.

After my son went to bed, I let my thoughts wander; and out of the blue, I remembered something a friends had once said: “I’m not scared of death because after death you can’t feel anything. You just aren’t there.” But that, to me, is the scary part. Where are you? Just nowhere? Just nothing? It’s over? Suddenly I felt like I was standing over a precipice. On a regular fall day, for no reason in particular, my mind had wrapped itself around death for the first time, and I momentarily felt weird.

Have you felt this way? I’ve recently realized, death will also happen to me. Maybe not today, maybe not next month, but it WILL happen. Before, I knew it would “happen to me,” like knew I would “die someday,” but not REALLY. Not actually.

In my thirties, there were so many things “in front” of death. Having my son, moving to Canada, to New York, to Vienna….Subconsciously, I figured, those things had to happen before I died. I wasn’t next up. I didn’t have to worry about it right now. It was so far away, surely.

But Nina Riggs’s memoir The Bright Hour, about her struggle with cancer, published posthumously, began to puncture my cool-headedness. I immediately related to her: her inner monologue felt so similar to mine; she was a writer and a worrier, too. It felt like I was reading a book about myself.

The fear of flying often kicks in around age 27, studies reveal, when people start to grapple with their own mortality. They don’t feel invincible, like they did as rowdy kids and hormonal teenagers. I totally get that, don’t you? “As life experiences build up, the reality of ​our own vulnerability as human beings can set in,” says New York-based therapist Nathan Feiles.

And what about your later years? They say you should listen to life advice from people in their 80s and 90s, because they’ve been staring death in the face for years. One thing my grandfather used to say that has always stuck with me. 

When I was in school, 14 and miserable, I was visiting my grandparents. Over coffee and cake, I mused, “I just have to get through the last three months of the schoolyear; I wish I could just wake up and it would be over.” Opa jerked back, as if I had hit him. “Never wish away your life,” he told me, quietly. I struggled to see what he meant — of COURSE anyone would want to skip days that were difficult or painful or heartbreaking. But, now that I’m older, I’m starting to grasp his point. Soak it all up, even the hard parts. You are alive.

So, how can we move forward without freaking out about death? A friend recommended Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom about dealing with death anxiety. “It helps,” she said.

Or what if we reframe things, so that we see life, instead of death, as the mind-bending part? Writes Barbara Ehrenreich in Natural Causes: “You can think of death bitterly or with resignation, as a tragic interruption of your life, and take every possible measure to postpone it. Or, more realistically, you can think of life as an interruption of an eternity of personal nonexistence, and see it as a brief opportunity to observe and interact with the living, ever-surprising world around us.”

Now and again, I’ll be looking at my child and it will cross my mind that we’re all going to die someday — and then I’ll think of things like earrings, and they seem so ridiculous. WHO CARES??? We are going to die, WHY ARE WE WEARING EARRINGS. But then maybe that’s the point of jewelry? And sports? And songs? And complicated soup recipes? To be distractingly wonderful and fill up the moments and let you just play with your child on the rug?

Our close relationships ground us, too, of course. After years of living with stage IV cancer, Kate Bowler wrote in the New York Times: “A friend knits me socks and another drops off cookies, and still another writes a funny email or takes me to a concert. These seemingly small efforts are anchors that hold me to the present, that keep me from floating away on thoughts of an unknown future. They say to me, like my sister Maria did on one very bad day: ‘Yes, the world is changed, dear heart, but do not be afraid. You are loved, you are loved. You will not disappear. I am here.’”

Because at the end of the day: “We are all just walking each other home.” — Ram Dass

How do you think about death? Do you think about it? What do you believe happens after death? Are you religious? What are your views on the afterlife? I’m so, so curious to hear.

So, I ran the half-marathon last week, and now people who are crazy into health and sports want to teach me everything they know about nutrition, supplements, and healthy life choices. One topic was whether I consume enough protein. While I gave my best to listen, he took out his pill box stuffed with supplements for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Wtf, I thought while he drowned the first handful of shiny pink and blue pills with some green smoothie out of a plastic shaker. Then he began to tell me what kind of imbecile I am, a know-nothing about nutrition. Here he goes, as good as I remember it.

Hey, you ran the half-marathon, huh?! But are you taking all your supplements? Do you eat enough protein in a day? Don’t even bother answering, because I know the answer is no. But don’t worry, I’m kind of a protein guy. I can give you all the guidance you need so you can stop being such a weak little bitch. I eat three hundred times my recommended daily allowance of protein. So as you can imagine, my life is perfect. I can crush a stainless-steel trash can with my thighs. I could lift your sofa above my head and throw it so far you’ll never see it again. And that’s what I’ll do if you don’t start eating enough protein. So you’d better listen up.

Let’s start with the basics. According to my nutritionist, a guy named the Beef Man, you should be getting at least 30,000 grams of protein at each meal. You’re probably clocking in at a cool fifteen grams or less, which, quite frankly, makes me want to punch a wall. How many chicken breasts have you even eaten so far today? Four? Five? Don’t make me laugh.

By the way, you could be slamming legumes right now while I’m telling you this. Every second of the day is an opportunity for protein, and you’re wasting it. What’s that sound? All I hear is the sound of you not eating a bucket of eggs. That eggless silence is the worst sound in the world. I listen to a recording of myself eating a bucket of eggs to help me fall asleep at night. It brings me peace you’ll never understand.

But don’t think I have no sympathy for sad little failures. I know reaching your daily protein goals can be a challenge. Sometimes you have to get creative. Do you drink coffee in the morning? Try swapping it out for ground turkey. (Do not talk to me until I’ve had my ground turkey.) If you’re still brushing your teeth with toothpaste (zero protein), you’re a stupid idiot. Start brushing with Greek yoghurt. Do you take medicine? Of course you do, because you’re a sick freak who doesn’t get enough protein. Try cottage cheese instead.

I can tell you’re still a little sceptical. Why do you even need all that protein anyway? I’ll tell you why, you piece of shit. You need protein for muscle growth. You’re probably saying, “I don’t care about muscle growth. I like being an adult with the body of a little baby.” And of course, that’s your choice. But you also need protein for maintaining blood, skin, and bones. Ever heard of them? You think you’re too good for bones, buddy? If you don’t eat enough protein, you’re basically saying you’re cool with being a disgusting pile of shit. Ever seen a pile of shit before? It ain’t pretty.

And look, I get it. Eating a nutritious diet is about balance. Of course, you can still eat other things you enjoy, like fruits, pasta, and even brownies. As long as those fruits, pasta, and brownies are made from a slurry of broken-down animal parts and molded into the shapes of those respective foods. I am aware not everyone enjoys animal slurry. As a vegetarian alternative, put a bunch of chickpeas in a blender and sculpt that goop into the shape of any food you’d normally enjoy. Pretend you’re Demi Moore in Ghost while you’re doing it.

At the end of the day, I’m tired of your excuses. You can’t spend all day cooking lentils? Fine. Don’t tell me you don’t have thirty seconds on your morning commute to snack on some unseasoned ground beef. I don’t leave the house without my five-pound canister of chocolate banana cinnamon roll whey protein powder that I snort when there’s a lull in conversations. I can already hear you whining, “The protein powder burns when I snort it.” Okay, well, nothing is stopping you from administering it rectally, except for your bad attitude.

Ultimately, I can’t force you to eat the correct amount of protein for your body weight. But the next time you try to crush a stainless-steel trash can with your thighs, don’t come crying to me when you look like a fool because you only dented it a little bit.

Welcome to the German Embassy.

To apply for or renew your passport you first need to make an appointment through our online portal which is open only on Mondays between 10 am and 11 am for you to choose a slot out of three possible days in the next several months. Be fast and good luck. No other appointments, no emails, no phone calls, no questions, or any other inquiries are possible.

We are looking forward to meeting you. Obviously (it is Germany after all), there will be more rules. A lot more.

1. Please bring originals and provide copies of your driver’s license, all passports you ever owned, birth certificate, and detailed notes from the last three months of your therapy appointments. We can tell if you’re faking.

2. Kindly attach reference letters from your employer, a trusted adult who has known you for more than five years, your dentist, and the doctor that delivered you. Please note if you were born by cesarean. If any of these letters are in any othere language than German please provide notarized translations with official seal and stamps.

3. Between the reference letter from your employer and the doctor who delivered you place the passport picture. Those need to be taken by an official photographer with a seal, stamp and authenticity letter. Also include the photographers’ blood type.

4. If applying in advance, we ask that you send along all said bank statements since 1992, and a five-paragraph essay on why your are applying in advance.

5. Please wear shoes. No flip-flops allowed in the embassy. No phones, no belts, no metal at all.

6. Attach two years of signed income tax returns, detailed memos explaining gaps in employment, sudden illnesses and the date of your childs’s first baby tooth.

7. Your last bank statment signed by all members of the band Rammstein.

8. Schedule your follow-up interview with the co-op board on a business day between the hours of 9 a.m. and 9:12 a.m only on full moon. Arrive three hours early for an intensive security screening.

9. Upon arriving for your initial appointment no less than six hours early, you will be blindfolded and spun around forty-three times.

10. You will be escorted to a waiting area where we play Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries on repeat over loudspeakers. Cry now (if you have to) before we will make you.

11. Bring your own writing utensils. Due to security reasons, we won’t provide any pens.

12. When you survived Wagner (on repeat) in the waiting room, you and your paperwork will be picked up by an unmarked (German) van and knocked unconscious.

13. You are not in Squid Game, but we did steal this part from Squid Game.

14. You will be brought to a deserted parking lot on the outskirts of Austria.

15. Take in the beautiful sunset while you bask in the regret of having made that appointment.

16. If you speak in any other language than German we will go full Squid Game.

17. The driver of the van takes off his ski mask. It’s Till Lindemann from Rammstein. He presents you with your quest.

18. Till tells you that you must retrieve a golden wrench from Fetter Hardware Store. There’s a screw loose at the embassy’s front door that you need to fix before your passport application will be reviewed.

19. In order to be granted entry into Fetter Hardware, you must correctly answer three riddles from the Sphinx.

20. The Sphinx is a thirteen-year-old Rottweiler/German Shepard mix named Hiller.

21. He will bite only if provoked.

22. The Sphinx is easily provoked.

23. The prophecy completed, Till dissolves into the night, Ray-Bans clattering to the ground.

24. At the entrance of Fetter Hardware, you are greeted by Hiller.

25. You must teach the dog three tricks in order to reveal the code to the safe that the golden wrench is kept in.

26. Once acomplised, you must search deep within your soul to find the words that will bring you back to the embassy.

27. Don’t screw this up (German wrench humor). With every minute you take, your assigned application officer will raise the fee by fifty euros per minute.

28. Upon retrieval of the golden wrench, hurry back to the embassy. You’re late for a second interview we never told you about.

29. Don’t forget proof of health insurance, life insurance, last morgage or rent statement and a new refrigerator for the embassy’s waiting room.

31. We look forward to reviewing your application! Expect a reply in five to forty-seven business days or weeks.

Thank you for your application. Please fill out the Google survey to provide feedback on our services and the Self-evaluation on how you could have made this process more seamless for everyone.

We look forward to meeting with you (as many times as it takes).

Good luck, 
Your German Embassy Team