.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want all the kids in town to go look for the eggs so they can eat the candy. This is all about the kids. Adults can’t help them look.

Oh, I almost forgot about the Easter Bunny. Easter is what you’re gonna call the day I come back to life, and the Easter Bunny is what you’re gonna call the man-sized rabbit that hides all the candy-filled eggs the children will hunt down.

Is this too weird? I don’t want this to feel weird. But it’s really important all of this happens every single year from now until forever.

Also, for forty days leading up to Easter, you need to give up one thing you love. Doesn’t have to be anything crazy. I recommend giving up candy because then you’ll be extra excited for those eggs. I don’t know if you noticed, but I totally gave up candy this month. And you can bet when I get back I’m digging into a Milka Nougat bar.

Moving on, let’s talk about my birthday. Every year on my birthday, a guy named Santa is gonna break into your house and leave you presents. Let him do this. Encourage it.

None of you know who Santa is yet, but trust me: he’s real. He’s a large man in a red suit and a big white beard. He’s not related to me. To be honest, he kind of has nothing to do with me. But it’s important that you convince your kids this guy is the real deal.

Santa lives in the North Pole with the Easter Bunny, which is a place that hasn’t been discovered yet. And when you do discover it, you’re not gonna find Santa or the Easter Bunny. That’s because they are magic, like me. They can travel around the world in one night and deliver presents or eggs to every single child. But only if that child’s family cuts down a tree and puts it inside their house. And if they hide nests outside for the easter eggs. No bird nests, please.

I know what you’re thinking: “A dead tree inside our house? That sounds like a fire hazard!” All I have to say is: you saw me walk on water, but you’re second-guessing the tree thing? Come on. Also, keep a fire extinguisher nearby. Also, don’t second-guess the egg-thing either.

Back to the jolly man in red and the Easter Bunny. Every shopping center needs to have at least one person dressed up like Santa or the Bunny so they can meet with all the town’s children and relay their wishes to the real Santa. Santa might be magic, but he doesn’t have time to listen to every single kid in the world. He’s got toys to make with his elves. Also, there are such things as elves. Also, Santa is technically an elf. But don’t worry about that stuff, that’s like hardcore canon stuff. Forget I even mentioned it. The Easter Bunny on the other hand has to carry millions of eggs and hide them. Damn, you think your job sucks?

One more thing about Easter. Remember Easter? Every year on the anniversary of today (the day I die), I want you to call that day Good Friday. I know right now it seems like a really, really bad Friday. But trust me, in the long run, you’re gonna see why this whole crucifixion is a good thing. I’m doing this for you. I’ve got your best interests in mind.

Alright, I’m gonna go now. I know nobody’s ever come back before, but I promise I’ll be back. Have a great weekend, and I’ll see you on Easter. Don’t forget to help the Man Bunny hide those eggs!

Now, be a good egg and think twice about putting all your eggs in one basket.

Happy Easter to everybody who celebrates.

Don’t get married before you live together. You just never know what the other person will be like to live with, and you need to figure that out before marriage.

Definitely don’t tie the knot until you’ve traveled together. You absolutely have to find out if your future spouse is a good travel companion – what if you get married and then learn they cry during turbulence but not The Notebook? If you don’t have money to travel, simply hitchhike together and see how your partner reacts when they have a gun to their head.

You need to make sure your marriage can withstand major life changes, so don’t get married until one of you has been fired from their job. If you like your job, then plan to marry someone who’s bad at theirs. Or intentionally sabotage them by hacking into their work email and sending nudes to their boss. If you’re uncomfortable sending your partner’s nudes, send your own. Marriage is about compromise.

Don’t get married before you’ve had children together. Get a tester-baby or watch how he deal with kids. Oh, he already has a child and is not paying child support because his ex sucks? Run! Seeing what the other person is like as a parent is key to determining if they’re the right person for you. If it turns out they’re a completely negligent parent, at least you know before you do something extreme like buying an expensive white dress. Hand the tester-baby back and call it a day.

You’ll be humiliated if your loved ones travel dozens of miles to see your marriage ceremony and then you get divorced a mere two decades later, so don’t get married until one of you has completely altered their physical appearance. You want to make sure this marriage is about love, not just physical attraction and his trust fund. Shave your head, gain weight, cut your nose off, stay inside for 6 years — I really don’t care. Just do it.

What if weddings just aren’t for you? You need to find that out before you marry your partner, so don’t get married until you’ve married someone else first. Please consider me for the role of your starter bride. And then don’t get divorced — it’s a turn off to future lovers.

Don’t join in holy union until you’ve turned 35. It’s imperative that you’ve seen your partner hit the 35 mark and come out okay on the other end. meaning: don’t live with their parents, have a steady income and job, don’t live under a bridge etc. You have no idea how many good relationships have failed just because one of them wasn’t at least 35 and the other couldn’t handle it. If you meet after age 35, don’t get married at all. If you’re single at 35, sorry, but society warned you to stay this way. At least I did — excessively.

And don’t get married before you’ve both gone through periods of extreme depression. If your other half isn’t a naturally depressed person, try to induce it by depriving them of food, sleep and especially sex. Have sex maybe once every other month or better not at all. Good excuses: You have a major headache, work sucked, you are tired, “you knooooow, it was such a hard day with the kid(s)” or the best one “I don’t think I like sex anymore”. You need to know what they’re like when they’re nearly suicidal before you drop 40,000 Euros on a wedding.

Are you “in love” enough to go visit them while they’re serving a life sentence in jail? You must find out before you throw your whole life away! So instead, throw your neighbor’s life away by murdering him, and then wait and find out if your “Love of your Life” comes to see you every weekend. If so, you can walk down the aisle. Or, walk in a lap with the other prisoners.

Don’t get married before you’ve watched the other person die. Honestly, that’s a really traumatic event in a marriage, and you want to make sure you can handle it before you commit to spending your whole life together. Bravely volunteer yourself as the one to watch your partner meet their maker. This is usually the step where couples realize it’s not going to work out, so make sure not to skip it.

“I’LL CHECK THAT OUT!”

I’m not going to check that out. (e.g. super expensive makeup). Yes, I’m sure you like it, and I’m sure you recommended it to me in good faith. To you, the 80 uninterrupted hours you spent gushing over its merits was time well spent. You believed that the dozens of billboards and online advertisements I’ve seen promoting it were somehow not enough. You thought that what I needed was a personalized recommendation from a casual workplace acquaintance. Ultimately, you hoped makeup that moves you — that ignites your soul and kindles your sense of wonder — would do the same for me. But I cannot bring myself to find out. One thing is certain, though: I will not check that out.

“NO WORRIES.”

I am paralyzed with worry.

“I’M GOOD EITHER WAY.”

For some people, this is not true. I actually have very deep preferences about the course of action you choose to take at work, but I’m keeping those preferences private because I want peace and to go home.

“GREAT! HOW WAS YOURS?”

There are two lies here. First, my weekend was not great. While I enjoyed sleeping in and not being at work, “great” is a ludicrous stretch. I did watch Stephen King Horror movies and had chocolate Saturday (every) night, which was excellent, but Sunday was mostly spent doing laundry, helping my son with homework, cleaning and all those good things. Two days is just too short to unwind after a five-day workweek. Why don’t we have a 3-day weekend? I bet people would be a lot more productive and happy. The second lie is that I care how your weekend was.

“SORRY.”

I didn’t do anything wrong here, OK? After you entered the break room, it was you who picked up my book and breakfast, mistaking it for your own, and so the fault rests entirely with you. I’m not sorry. In fact, I only said “sorry” before informing you of your error because I know virtually no other way to begin a potentially awkward exchange. Also, the world doesn’t evolve around you and all your bullshit. There are other humans in it who all have needs and desires that you need to respect, too. You are not alone on this planet. Simple as that. Now go and complain.

“7:30 WORKS!”

It would be much less stressful for me if we did 8:00.

“CONGRATULATIONS!”

The fact that you and your spouse are buying a 900.000 Euro house fills me with unease. How can you possibly afford this? Either you’ve built a solid financial foundation on which you can buy such a mansion (and even what for?), or you’ve cultivated a happy, carefree attitude that permits you to take risks. Teach me. Please.

“LET ME KNOW IF THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN DO.”

Don’t.

“HEY.”

OK, so there’s no real, affirmative proposition being put forth here, so it’s hard to see how this can qualify as a lie. But the fact is I didn’t want to say it.

“I’M FLEXIBLE.”

I am not flexible at all.

“NOT BAD.”

This kind of depends on how you define “bad.” Nothing is physically wrong with me, and I make enough money to be comfortable. I haven’t had any big falling-out with my family or anything. I have friends. I am feeling really happy since I bought this house but I wish I could spend more time in it, but I have to work to finance it, which makes me spend more time at work than at home. It probably doesn’t make sense. I’m so stupid. It’s not that I never feel good, is the thing — it’s more that I should feel better. Yeah. There’s no reason for me to be feeling this way, and that makes me feel guilty, which makes everything worse. That thing about there being nothing physically wrong with me isn’t quite true. My back has been hurting a bit lately. Remedying this feels utterly beyond my power. If I don’t get enough sleep, it makes me irritable and sad. So, yeah, not bad, I guess. I don’t know. I need a vacation!

“SOUNDS GOOD!”

That depends on how you define “good.” If I detect you have no clue, experience or expertise in a field and try to sound smart, that would be my diplomatic answer of choice if I want peace. There are also ways to challenge and outsmart the “expert” obviously. Just be quiet if you have no clue what is going on. Silence is golden.