Welcome to the German Embassy.
To apply for or renew your passport you first need to make an appointment through our online portal which is open only on Mondays between 10 am and 11 am for you to choose a slot out of three possible days in the next several months. Be fast and good luck. No other appointments, no emails, no phone calls, no questions, or any other inquiries are possible.
We are looking forward to meeting you. Obviously (it is Germany after all), there will be more rules. A lot more.
1. Please bring originals and provide copies of your driver’s license, all passports you ever owned, birth certificate, and detailed notes from the last three months of your therapy appointments. We can tell if you’re faking.
2. Kindly attach reference letters from your employer, a trusted adult who has known you for more than five years, your dentist, and the doctor that delivered you. Please note if you were born by cesarean. If any of these letters are in any othere language than German please provide notarized translations with official seal and stamps.
3. Between the reference letter from your employer and the doctor who delivered you place the passport picture. Those need to be taken by an official photographer with a seal, stamp and authenticity letter. Also include the photographers’ blood type.
4. If applying in advance, we ask that you send along all said bank statements since 1992, and a five-paragraph essay on why your are applying in advance.
5. Please wear shoes. No flip-flops allowed in the embassy. No phones, no belts, no metal at all.
6. Attach two years of signed income tax returns, detailed memos explaining gaps in employment, sudden illnesses and the date of your childs’s first baby tooth.
7. Your last bank statment signed by all members of the band Rammstein.
8. Schedule your follow-up interview with the co-op board on a business day between the hours of 9 a.m. and 9:12 a.m only on full moon. Arrive three hours early for an intensive security screening.
9. Upon arriving for your initial appointment no less than six hours early, you will be blindfolded and spun around forty-three times.
10. You will be escorted to a waiting area where we play Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries on repeat over loudspeakers. Cry now (if you have to) before we will make you.
11. Bring your own writing utensils. Due to security reasons, we won’t provide any pens.
12. When you survived Wagner (on repeat) in the waiting room, you and your paperwork will be picked up by an unmarked (German) van and knocked unconscious.
13. You are not in Squid Game, but we did steal this part from Squid Game.
14. You will be brought to a deserted parking lot on the outskirts of Austria.
15. Take in the beautiful sunset while you bask in the regret of having made that appointment.
16. If you speak in any other language than German we will go full Squid Game.
17. The driver of the van takes off his ski mask. It’s Till Lindemann from Rammstein. He presents you with your quest.
18. Till tells you that you must retrieve a golden wrench from Fetter Hardware Store. There’s a screw loose at the embassy’s front door that you need to fix before your passport application will be reviewed.
19. In order to be granted entry into Fetter Hardware, you must correctly answer three riddles from the Sphinx.
20. The Sphinx is a thirteen-year-old Rottweiler/German Shepard mix named Hiller.
21. He will bite only if provoked.
22. The Sphinx is easily provoked.
23. The prophecy completed, Till dissolves into the night, Ray-Bans clattering to the ground.
24. At the entrance of Fetter Hardware, you are greeted by Hiller.
25. You must teach the dog three tricks in order to reveal the code to the safe that the golden wrench is kept in.
26. Once acomplised, you must search deep within your soul to find the words that will bring you back to the embassy.
27. Don’t screw this up (German wrench humor). With every minute you take, your assigned application officer will raise the fee by fifty euros per minute.
28. Upon retrieval of the golden wrench, hurry back to the embassy. You’re late for a second interview we never told you about.
29. Don’t forget proof of health insurance, life insurance, last morgage or rent statement and a new refrigerator for the embassy’s waiting room.
31. We look forward to reviewing your application! Expect a reply in five to forty-seven business days or weeks.
Thank you for your application. Please fill out the Google survey to provide feedback on our services and the Self-evaluation on how you could have made this process more seamless for everyone.
We look forward to meeting with you (as many times as it takes).
Good luck,
Your German Embassy Team
