Under normal circumstances, I fully encourage and support any attempt one makes to improve interpersonal communication. Especially when things are clearly communicated on time. Some know how to do this, but unfortunately, many do not.
A partner using “I” statements and engaging in concerted efforts to be clear, open and honest warms my heart. A boss or coworker who communicates clear guidelines and expectations is a cherished gem that I would regularly enjoy. Children who are able to clearly state what is or isn’t working in regards to my half-ass attempts at helping with homework make it easier for me to justify hiring a tutor. I love boundaries. I relish opportunities to really, deeply understand what someone needs or how they feel. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I am surrounded—for the most part—by people who are not assholes and know how to communicate.
Unfortunately, there are people in this world who believe—deep down in their sad souls—that they are effective communicators. What these people don’t realize is that they are just crazy.
Take wannabe Nonviolent Communicators, for instance. And also, people who are sociopaths or egoistic maniacs.
The premise seems harmless enough: Nonviolent Communication is a self-righteous cult-like language style that supposedly facilitates the flow of communication needed to exchange information and resolve differences peacefully. It also claims to help focus attention on compassion as a motivating factor, instead of guilt, blame, fear or shame. In some cases, it helps people to own their feelings. This, I appreciate. I always own the shit out of my feelings, and sometimes everyone else’s feelings, too.
The framework of Nonviolent Communication adds a lot of unnecessary words to sentences, though, and can chew up anywhere from four to thirty-five minutes of any given day. For example, if someone doesn’t feel like going on a date with the drunk woman who accosted them in their therapist’s parking lot, they can just give a calm and brief “no, thanks” as a reply to the solicitation. Or utilize the pepper spray tucked away in their bag. In Nonviolent Communication Fantasy Land, the response would be more like this: “I feel uncomfortable with the level of your alcohol intake, and I need to stay home and watch Sex and the City this weekend.” The latter statement sets a revolving door of interaction into motion and invites questions. And questions always lead to conversation. It seems to complicate things. And it wastes a lot of precious time. Thirty-five minutes a day means about eight days out of an entire year used to engage in conversations with people we’d rather avoid when we could be doing something fun, like sleeping. Or planting five acres of corn. Or having oral surgery.
In almost every instance, if the feelings bubbling up from our instinctive cores incite feelings of aversion, it is quite alright to say, “No.” Take this woman I knew who, loyal to her Nonviolent Communication teachings, decided it was appropriate to “honour” her two-year-old’s needs to repeatedly not get dressed in the morning. In typical terrible-twos fashion, he screamed and cried while he ran amok, tearing their apartment to shreds; his need for control running the game. The mother listened calmly and replied, “I hear that you don’t want to get dressed right now, Lil Johnny. I honour your feelings, and we can try again later.”
This is crazy talk.
A two-year-old doesn’t even know it has needs, nor does the child recognize what those needs are beyond hunger or the deep desire to covet a Playmobil pirate ship. An appropriate response would have been to lasso that little bastard and shove him into a heavily starched straightjacket and get on with the goddamn day. Next, this woman is completely oblivious to the fact that she is raising one of many in a generation of monsters.
This little asshole will grow up to be a large, adult-sized asshole who will eventually enter the workforce and begin relationships. Without a serious emotional smackdown and some mild shaming once in a while, kids like this become men and women with no sense of personal boundaries, frequently displaying asshole behaviour because they “feel like it.” Also, the world is a cruel, gruesome place full of unanticipated pain, and we should all be prepared for the hands of life shoving us down dark stairwells of disappointment every chance it gets.
In the worst-case scenario of overly permissive parenting gone horribly, horribly awry, Lil Johnny will grow up to ruin the lives of women everywhere. He will pose as an asshole and stalk his ex-girlfriends on social media because doing so meets his need to feel in control.
The rationalization for some of his displays of other wildly inappropriate behaviour will surely include passive-aggressive word play: “I am sorry your anxiety causes you to choose to perceive me as a bad person because I just did what I needed to do to survive this stressfull situation, called you a overly dramatic and left in the middle of the night to make plans to screw another woman. Maybe you should think long and hard about what you did to make me need to do that.”
It’s enough to make even the most sane person want to rip their veins out through their eye sockets in fits of unbearable confusion.
It doesn’t end with a few cases of Lil Johnny Lacks Boundaries. I believe that Nonviolent Communicator wannabes are the foulest creatures to walk among us. Most blend in and appear to be everyday, normal people who frequent parks, bookstores, cafes, independent movie theaters and live music venues. Upon close inspection, they can be spotted by an air of narcissism swirling around them and eyes that are open just wide enough to see the white orb curving back above their irises. They never blink. Often, while pretending to listen with an open heart chakra, their heads tilt just slightly to the right, as if positioning the left ear a few centimeters toward an open mouth will help them hear more fully. If they are in agreement with what they hear, their eyes squint and their heads will begin to bob like they are grooving to an inner rhythm of a slow-jam-mix.
But it isn’t merely the aesthetics of unfortunate fashion choices or the superiority complex that shines through their eyes to the condescending tone residing deep in their solar plexuses that makes these people some of the most irritating humans to be surrounded by. Some of them may have heartfelt intentions of making the world a better place. To them I say, Kumbaya, My Lord. Still, there is a fine line between Nonviolent Communication and verbal manipulation. Speaking in a calm, clear tone makes no difference if what you are saying is abusive, just plain stupid, in order for you to get what you want.
Nonviolent Communication tactics may be perfectly appropriate in circles of self-righteous, passive-aggressive cultish circles or among people who are independently wealthy, leaving them with endless hours to devote to self-improvement gimmicks. It leaves the rest of us exposed to the bitter wind of impatience and unanswered questions. And quite frankly, it transforms otherwise normal and understanding people into a pack of angry, mangy wolves. I wish people could just be decent and normal. Without being fullblown assholes.
But these are just my feelings.
I still have a preference for a “yes” or “no” over some long-winded, inconclusive response from some creeps whose prolonged eye contact makes me want to dissolve them in acid.
Obviously, I need to look at my inner “needs list” in Chapter 5 of my Nonviolent Communication book and reflect on what is missing in my life. Oh, nothing, my life is perfectly fine and content.
I think I just feel hurt when people act like assholes, and I need them to go away and never talk to me ever again.
Maybe I just need some empathy. Or maybe people should just try harder to stop being assholes.
