Some time ago, we watched the movie Eighth Grade about an eighth-grade girl struggling through those rough middle school years. (Have you seen it?) She lives with her dad, and one evening around the backyard fire pit, asks him the heartbreaking question, “Do I make you sad?” He talks to her about why she asked the question, and then answers: “Being your dad makes me so happy,” he says. “It’s so easy to love you. It’s so easy to be proud of you.”
“It’s so easy to love you.” I’ve remembered that line since I first saw the movie seven years ago. How beautiful are those words? How cherished would you feel if someone said that to you?
It made me think about things I’ve said to my own child — sentiments I’ve meant, very deeply — and what phrases I’ve heard from my own parents, and what I’ve heard other parents tell their kids. Of course, people show love in many different ways — giving your full attention, paying for dinner, making a bowl of cut fruit — and some people feel twitchy when it comes to direct praise and sweet nothings, and that’s fine! But if, like me, your love language is words of affirmation, here are a few things you might say to your child, if they feel right to you…
I will always be here for you.
Even when I’m mad, grouchy, or tired, or you’re mad, grouchy, or tired, I always love you.
When you’re with me, when we’re apart, when we’re awake, when we’re asleep, I always, always, always love you.
There is nothing you could ever do or say that would make me not love you.
I love to hear what you think.
I love you with my whole heart.
I love every age you’ve been, and it’s a gift and joy to watch you grow up.I love to watch you play.
You have good instincts.
Trust your instincts.
You can trust yourself.
I’m so happy to be your mom.
I love being your mom.
You bring me joy every day.
You can do hard things. I’ve seen you do them before, and you can do them again.
You can run through the storm.
It’s so brave to feel your feelings; some people live their whole lives without being able to do that.
Whatever you feel is normal; you’re never, ever the only one.
Anything you can even think of, someone has felt and done before.
You can tell me anything.
Nothing you say will surprise or shock me; I’ve heard it all before.
I’ll never be grossed out or embarrassed by anything you tell me; it’s all normal.
I’m always here if you need me.
You’re a beautiful person.
You are always on my mind.
Thoughts? How do you show love to your children? What’s your love language? I’d love to hear. xoxo
We learnt self-pity when we were young. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon; you were 9 years old. Your parents wouldn’t let you have any ice cream unless you did your maths homework. It was achingly unfair. Every other child in the world was playing football or watching television. No one else has such a mean mother. It was just awful. We are all, in theory, dead against self-pity. It seems deeply unattractive because it reveals egoism in its most basic form: the failure to put our own suffering into proper perspective against the larger backdrop of human history. We lament our tiny disasters and look coldly on the grand tragedies of the world. A problem with one’s fringe or a wrongly cooked steak dominates the mind while we ignore work conditions in China, for example.
No one likes to own up to self-pity. And yet, if we are honest, it’s something we feel quite often. And in fact, it’s often a rather sweet emotion. The fact is, we do deserve a great deal more pity than other people are ever very likely to bestow upon us. Life is, in truth, horrendously hard in many ways, even if one does have a top-notch data plan and an elegantly designed fridge. Our talents are never fairly recognised, our best years will necessarily drift away, and we won’t find all the love we need. We deserve pity, and there isn’t anyone else around to give it to us, so we have to give ourselves a fair dose. The operative cause might, from a lofty perspective, seem ridiculous – poor me, I will never drive a Ferrari; it’s so sad, I thought we were going to a Japanese restaurant, and they have booked a pub. But these are just the convenient opportunities for immersing ourselves in a much bigger issue: the fundamental sorrows of existence, for which we do genuinely deserve the most tender compassion.
Imagine what things would be like if we couldn’t pity ourselves. We would be in that far worse category of mental discomfort: depressed. The depressed person is someone who has lost the art of self-pity, who has become too rigorous with themselves. If you think of a parent comforting a child, they often spend hours on a very minor thing: a lost toy, the children’s party to which one was not invited. They are not being ridiculous; they are, in effect, teaching the child how to look after themselves and giving space to the important idea that “small” upsets can have very large internal consequences. Gradually, we learn to mimic this parental attitude with ourselves and come to feel sorry for ourselves when no one else will. It is not necessarily entirely rational, but it is a coping mechanism.
It is a first protective shell, which we develop in order to be able to manage some of the immense disappointments and frustrations that life throws at us. The defensive posture of self-pity is far from contemptible. It is touching and important. Many religions have given expression to this attitude by inventing deities who look with inexpressible pity upon human beings. In Catholicism, for instance, the Virgin Mary is often presented as weeping out of tenderness for the miseries of normal human life. Such kindly beings are really projections of our own need to be pitied.
Self-pity is compassion we extend to ourselves. A more mature aspect of the self turns to the weak and lost parts of the psyche and comforts them, strokes them, tells them it understands and that they are indeed lovely but misunderstood. It allows them to be, for a while, a bit babyish – since that is actually what they are. It provides the undemanding, confirming love that every baby, but far more importantly, every adult, needs to get through the anguish of existence.
The hope is that we can, for a while, turn away from current affairs towards the elevated, the silent, and the eternal. Normally, we are immersed in practical, self-justifying outlooks that are the hallmarks of what we could call “lower” consciousness. At such moments, the world reveals itself as quite different: a place of suffering and misguided effort, full of people striving to be heard and lashing out against others, but also a place of tenderness and longing, beauty and touching vulnerability. One’s own life feels less precious; one can contemplate being no longer present with tranquility. One’s interests are put aside, and one may imaginatively fuse with transient or natural things: trees, the wind, clouds, nature, or waves breaking on the shore. From this point of view, status is nothing, possessions don’t matter, and grievances lose their urgency. If certain people could encounter us at this point, they might be amazed at our transformation and at our newfound generosity and empathy.
Fusing with nature might help and is probably better than doomscrolling Instagram or the news while stress-eating chocolate. When I feel down, I return to (and share) my go-to strategies for resetting whenever things feel particularly heavy.
Unplug (No Really, Put the Phone Down)
We were not designed to mainline news and information 24/7. Try this: set a timer for 30 minutes of phone-free time. Go for a walk without it. Leave it in another room while you eat dinner. Delete the news apps or social media for a day or a weekend. Whatever helps you break the scroll-panic-scroll cycle.
Focus on Your Actual Sphere of Influence
This takes practice but I’m trying to focus my attention on my actual sphere of influence – the tiny actions I can take each day that can make a real impact. This can be as tiny as being kind to the people I encounter at the grocery store, spending quality time with my kid before bed, or helping a friend.
Try a Flow State Activity
Flow state is when you become so absorbed in an activity that your brain stops spinning and time disappears. For some people, it’s working on a giant puzzle, baking a pie from scratch, or getting lost in a craft project. I find flow when I’m cleaning out my closet or reorganizing a junk drawer. Figure out what works for you now, so you have it ready when you need it most.
Get Up and Move
When I had a hard time at work, I have a strong pull to stay on the couch, be grumpy, and eat foods that are terrible for my body. Sometimes I succumb, but whenever possible, I push myself to get outside and move – some fresh air and a walk around the neighborhood, a yoga class, jogging, or a walk with a friend. It always helps.
Write Write Write
Writing has always been deeply therapeutic for me. It’s a way of cleaning out my brain, downloading the swirl, and (sometimes / often) gaining clarity and perspective. I just set a blank notebook on my desk and have started writing a few pages each morning when I wake up, but most often in the evening.
Be So Nice to Yourself
Don’t skip this one. When things get stressful, self-care can go straight out the window. Now is the time to practice good boundaries, self-compassion, stay hydrated, eat well, and rest up.
Watch a Comfort Show
Sometimes you really do just need to curl up into a ball and fully check out. For those times, I recommend plugging into a great show or movie that feels like a warm hug. Taking all the recs.
So, to bring a bit of positivity to everything, focus on what you are doing with your life right now. How are your relationships going? What are your backup plans? What do you value and why? We should make the most of them when they arise and harvest their insights for the time when we require them most. And, the surest way to correct faulty thinking is the repetition of concise, constructive, harmonious thoughts. Now, cheer up, buttercup.
For people in relationships or in love, February 14 is a day to celebrate romance with a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a thoughtfully written card. But for those in less clear-cut dynamics, Valentine’s Day creates a difficult quandary: How to acknowledge your insignificant other without jeopardizing the carefully crafted gray area of your situationship. They’re definitely not your Valentine, but they’re still… something. And surely that something deserves a card too? Get him a card. Something like this, maybe?!
And, for everybody who celebrates:
Ladies, are you ready for your man to commit to you with the same diligence and enthusiasm he pours into his War Movies binge-watching?
Then optimize your relationship this Valentine’s Day with this date guide.
This list has something for everybody—long-term lovers, a new fling, and everybody else.
Morning coffee date. Why wait till dark to get the romantic juices flowing? Gaze deep into your lover’s eyes as he gazes over your shoulder at the low-angle morning sun. For the absolute best result: make sure the coffee machine is broken, the dog took a nice shit in the house and you are both late for work. The photons flooding his retinas at this point may help regulate his circadian rhythm. If you add one or two requests at this point you might have sweet conversations all day AND night.
Kitchen kisses. First, you kiss him and then you watch if his enzymes have trouble breaking down the macronutrients in those meat-free turkey soy balls and the matcha soy latte you serve him for breakfast. Let the chaos unfold.
Hit the dance floor. Start dancing early in the morning. Involve him. Then tell him about a research that shows dancing promotes activity in the neural circuit connecting your motor cortex to your adrenal glands, activating receptors on your vagus nerve that in turn excite brain areas that release norepinephrine, creating a brain-to-body-to-brain “arousal loop” that can improve energy and alertness. If the Tango you perform in front of him doesn’t turn him on, nothing will.
Lavish him with gifts. Move over, Godiva Chocolate. This year, ditch the chocolates and spoil your sweetheart with a six-month supply of omega-3 fatty acids. Don’t forget the heart-shaped pill case.
Visit a cozy cocktail bar. Go ahead, pick your poison. Hand him his cocktail of choice, then whip out your notepad because you will spend the next 90 minutes explaining how alcohol increases cortisol in the adrenal glands, negatively impacts gut health, and is, technically speaking, a poison.
Sweat it out. Maximize your longevity and love connection with a steamy hot yoga session or spin class. Feeling strong? Level up with kickboxing. It’s a perfect way to let out some pent-up frustration—just shut your eyes and imagine him whispering in your ear, “Actually, today at work….” Boom, knockout!
Ask him many questions. The quickest way to your man’s heart is through the right ventricle by way of his tricuspid valve, as he explained (with diagrams) on your first date. The second quickest? Ask him whether microplastics disrupt the body’s fragile hormonal balance. Ask him if he wants (more) children. Even on the first date.
Deliberate cold exposure. Picture this: You two in an oversized tin trough filled with enough ice to sink an early twentieth-century sea vessel. Can you imagine anything hotter? And yes, your body might go numb. But you’ll still feel all sorts of butterflies.
Couples therapy. Are you and your partner struggling to connect? A couples therapy session might help facilitate better communication, deepen your relationship, and SAVE. That’s right, visit sometimesraw.com for 15 percent off your first counselling session if you buy all of my books. That’s S-O-M-E-T-I-M-E-S-R-A-W. dot com! Don’t wait!
Leave him alone. Who are you kidding? Give your man what he really wants: a quiet night alone. Get him a beer, a steak, and turn on Black Hawk Down. Light yourself a candle, get a cup of tea, some chocolate, and a good book. The best part? You get a night to yourself, too which is all you want anyway.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the Lovebirds out there. Enjoy the day. Treat yourself to a day at the SPA. I know I will. And buy yourself some roses. You deserve it!
Me, posing and staring at my son who is doing something he is not supposed to.
So you want to have a baby. Spring is around the corner and people are getting ready to reproduce. I heard too much baby-talk lately so I think it is necessary to enlighten some of you out there. Let’s get pregnant, honey. That’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made in your life. And with it comes an endless list of to-dos, supply needs, and pointers to make sure you don’t screw up this kid’s childhood. But before you get to any of that, have you double-checked that you have all the necessary prerequisites to be eligible for the role of “parent”?
Surely, if you’re ready to take on that responsibility, all of the below should be no problem:
Keep a minimum of two plants alive for at least three months
Plug in your phone before going to bed so it’s not dead when you wake up five nights in a row
Mark all 6,709 unread emails on your phone as “read”
Learn the difference once and for all between shallots, scallops, and scallions
Cancel the subscription to the gym membership you accidentally enrolled in five years ago
Carry a watermelon around for a full day without dropping it
Schedule a doctor’s appointment about that thing
Schedule a dentist appointment about that other thing
Schedule a therapist appointment about many things
Breathe exclusively through your nose until you’re done reading this list
Delete any tweets you may have written talking shit about babies
Ask your parents if your own existence was really worth the effort
Schedule another therapist appointment after the above conversation
Three to five years relevant experience in keeping yourself and things (plants, cats, dogs, fishies….) alive
Ask yourself if you really want to go back to living with a roommate at this stage of your life
Review your calendar and make sure you don’t have any commitments over the next two decades that would conflict with raising a child
Watch Being John Malkovich right away. This has nothing to do with learning about parenting, but it’s just the kind of movie that’s a little too heady for a baby to appreciate
Listen to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac without crying
Listen to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac and realize that it’s actually brave if you cry
Couldn’t hurt to brush up on your multiplication tables
Start eliminating baby names based on who’s trending online
Unmute all your parent friends whose Instagram posts are quickly shifting from obnoxious to relatable
Forget every statistic you’ve ever read about climate change and overpopulation
Get in the habit of spelling out words you don’t want your kid to repeat, like F-U-C-K-I-N-G-S-H-I-T
Google “having baby scared don’t know what i’m doing”
Get ahead of the curve and familiarize yourself with the PAW Patrol extended universe
Shriek in the background of your partner’s Zoom calls to make sure they’ve got a handle on the mute button
Attend a mandatory three-hour virtual seminar about how to properly onboard your baby into existence
Update your household’s style guide to render a verdict on whether to call the baby by its first name, a nickname, or “Mr. Baby”
Reach out to current moms (at any child stage but preferably newborns or teenagers) you know for an informational coffee at their home with the kid(s) present
Remember that no matter how unfathomable becoming a parent may seem, literally billions of people have done it before you, and most of them didn’t have iPads to shove in front of their kids’ faces when things got tough. It will be miserable, it will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and it will be a great excuse to stock up on applesauce
Oh shit, almost forgot: DIAPERS. Jesus, yes, definitely get an avalanche of diapers. However many diapers you think you need, quadruple it. You will no longer have a home. You’ll have a diaper storage unit with beds in it
During my careers over the past 25 years, I’ve developed a few strong work beliefs. For example: Always have hard conversations in person, not over email. Take all your vacation, and stay home if you are sick. Everything takes forever, so factor in more time than you think you’ll need. Obviously, there are many others but what is the #1 career lesson I’ve learned and the thing I teach my colleagues to do? The big takeaway I hope my kid will absorb? Here it is, and once you do it, it becomes easy…
Say a kind and firm no.
I say no allllllll day long, and I have zero emotions around it. People want a lot of things, and that’s great! They should ask for them! I ask them for things, too! But that doesn’t mean we all owe each other everything, just because we want stuff. You need to guard your time and bandwidth, and it’s absolutely fine to say yes or no to whatever is asked of you.
Saying no does NOT mean you’re ungenerous or unkind to others; it simply means you are careful with what you agree to take on. And when you say no, you can say bigger yeses!
Here’s one way to think about it: You have a certain amount of “coins” of time and bandwidth per day, and it’s up to you how you spend them. You wouldn’t give money to everyone who asked, and in the same way, you don’t need to give your help or time or energy just because people ask. If someone wants you to look over their resume, and that takes two coins, do you have two coins to spare? If yes, go ahead and share those coins. But if not — if you’re saving those two coins for prepping for a meeting, or hanging out with your family, or even just staring at the ceiling — say a kind no. Your time and bandwidth are valuable and limited and 100% yours to spend.
For any recovering people pleasers: please know that people can absolutely handle the small disappointment of having you say no to their requests. Respect them and trust that they will be just fine! We believe in them! I once had a smart, wonderful friend who got twisted in knots because she listed an armoire on Facebook Marketplace, and a bunch of people replied, but she could only give the armoire to one of them. I assured her that those who did not get the armoire would be able to handle it. They could move forward, armoire-less, and still have a nice life. Plus, it’s not her — or your or my — responsibility to manage other people’s emotions, which is a lesson I’ve spent a lot of my life learning.
I think it’s especially important for women to learn to say no, easily and often, since we can often feel immense pressure to serve others. It gets easier and easier as you practice, and once you get good at it? Honestly, it feels like freedom.
Here are a few “no” phrases to have in your back pocket, if you need them:
Someone invites you to a party/dinner/event and you don’t have the bandwidth:
This sounds like so much fun, but sadly I’m not free!
I can’t make it that night, but please think of me next time.
I have unbreakable plans* that night, unfortunately, but have the best time.
Someone wants to crash at your place but you don’t have the bandwidth:
I can’t host this month, but I’d love to see you when you’re here.
I am not able to host right now, but want me to recommend a few cute Airbnbs?
I can’t host this month, but please reach out again in the future. I love you!
Someone wants you to help with their work, but you don’t have the bandwidth:
Sadly, I’m not doing any side projects at the moment because of time constraints, but thanks for thinking of me.
I promised myself I wouldn’t take on anything else right now (bc of other commitments), so I have to pass, but I hope it goes so well.
Unfortunately, I’m booked up with my own stuff right now, but I’d love to help next time if the timing works!
* taking a hot bath, going out for ice cream, or reading in bed all count as unbreakable plans
Sometimes you’ll hear people say, “Just say yes, and you’ll figure it out. Just take the opportunity.” I’m like, “No. You can say no. Maybe you should say no a lot.” I’ve said no so many times. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have a job. So many people ask you for things constantly. Just find a kind and gracious way to say no, and say it over and over and over until there’s something you feel will really bring you value or there’s a real reason for doing it. But definitely don’t say yes to everything. That’s bananas advice. Get good at saying no.
Who am I to offer life advice, but here goes. In a fun way, because humor and smiling wins. Enjoy!
How do I live longer? Stress is a leading cause of early death. Avoid stress by spending every single day thinking about what you need to do to not die. If that doesn’t work, try meditation. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and remember that each second of meditation is a battle in the war on Father Time. Good luck, soldier.
How important is sleep? Nothing is more important than a good night’s sleep. So-called “friends” will invite you out for long nights of drinks, dancing, and “companionship.” Recognize this danger and return to your bed or couch.
So what’s a good sleep schedule? Wake up at 4:30 a.m., no exceptions. The smug satisfaction of telling everyone you wake up at 4:30 a.m. will power you for at least one hundred years.
What’s your best tip? Research shows nasal breathing is healthier than mouth breathing. Duct tape your mouth shut and only breathe through your nose. When someone asks if you’re being held hostage, blink twice to let them know you heard about this on a podcast.
What should my diet look like? Meat would be healthy, but it’s full of microplastics. Fruits and vegetables would be healthy, but they’re doused in pesticides. Play it safe with a diet of powders, potions, shakes, and sludge. The healthiest foods come from cardboard boxes you can order on your phone. Keep in mind, strong muscles need protein. Chug protein like your life depends on it, because it literally does. Consume so much protein your kidneys can’t process it, then when your doctor tells you to stop, say, “I bet that’s exactly what Big Pharma wants me to do, isn’t it?” And of course, never consume seed oils. Don’t even google “seed oils.” If you don’t actually know what seed oils are, they can’t hurt you.
Can modern medicine be trusted? Doctors make money by keeping you sick. Beat the system and get all your medical advice from the Internet. Take as many supplements as humanly possible. Bonus points if those supplements are illegal in your country.
Any advice for long-term brain health? Keep your mind young and nimble by reading widely. Read books about history, self-sufficiency, how to grow things, how to be at peace with yourself, and how not to kill your kid(s). Solve The New York Times crossword puzzle daily.
Do you recommend skincare? I want to look younger too. If you look good, you feel good. Get a skincare regimen to prevent signs of aging. Dry skin? Moisturize. Gray hair? Dye it. Sagging skin? Botox and Filler up as much as possible. Don’t worry about side effects. Don’t appreciate the way you look.
Is sun exposure okay? The sun is poisonous. It will give you cancer, or worse, wrinkles. Avoid sun exposure at all costs. Drown yourself in sunscreen. Live underground. Find a pack of moles and slowly embed yourself in their society. Teach the moles about the benefits of intermittent fasting.
What about exercise? For a long, healthy life, lift weights. Model your health on strong men who are built like commercial freezers and top looking models with zero flaws. Obviously, they are never photoshopped, and they ALL look exactly like in the picture in those dumb beauty magazines you read. Look for the classic markers of good health: taut skin, bloodshot eyes, and hair growing out of places you didn’t know existed.
What if I am in a toxic relationship? Get out and stay single. Also, have no kids. Like zero. No marriage, and no kids.
Just give me your last piece of advice. Death is a prison. To live forever is to break free. We must escape and fly high, like Icarus. Icarus escaped prison. Icarus flew high. He challenged the gods. I haven’t read the whole story, but that sounds like a pretty cool guy to base my life around. You should too.
So, I am obsessed with everything Japan. When I travelled to Tokyo last year, I realized that Japanese technology and lifestyle is way into the fulive well in the future already. While I was in awe most of the time, I even fell in love with the Japanese toilets. Especially after watching the Japanese movie “Perfect Days”. Since my toilet at home needs repair, I am considering purchasing one of these babies because once you have a Japanese toilet, it will take going to the toilet to a different level. This is probably how it will all go down, though (no pun intended):
Congratulations, we’ve successfully installed your new Japanese toilet. I’m Haruki, your toilet technician, and—I hear you loud and clear: you desperately need to go number two. Let’s get you logged into your new toilet.
No, I’m afraid you can’t “just go fast and then log into the toilet”—you need to activate your Murakami subscription to enable flushing. Don’t think of it as a recurring monthly fee for standard toilet functionality; consider it the premium you pay for our constantly evolving suite of features.
All right, your toilet is ready for Bluetooth pairing. I promise, after this quick initial setup, you’ll think: “I can’t believe I used to poop the old-fashioned way.” Yes, you do need to enable two-factor authentication, or else your toilet lid won’t unlock.
Let me repeat back what you just said to me. You said: “Please, please, please, for the love of God, hurry up.” Did I understand your concern correctly? Great—I see the problem: you downloaded version 2.1.1 of the Murakami app, the version currently available in the App Store. We just need to manually override you to the unreleased nightly beta build, or the toilet will spit poop out backwards. I assume you’ve broken your phone? Not a problem; I’m happy to void your iPhone’s warranty for you.
I understand you’re currently about to explode. Almost done: we just need to establish your butt fingerprint. I’m afraid it is necessary—that is, if you want to receive your sixteen-dimensional Gut Intelligence Report, including microbiome, inflammation, and other exciting metrics. I’m afraid it’s completely impossible to enable this feature at any time other than the initial setup—and it’s sort of the entire point of a Smart Toilet.
Perfect—you’re now 100 percent set up! And we just need you to pick your “package”, which is technically not part of the setup phase. I recommend the Premium Plus Package, although the Gold Plus Premium Package does let you flush toilet paper. No, you cannot flush regular paper—only Smart Paper, which is currently impossible to find due to supply-chain issues.
I understand your poop situation is now at DEFCON-2, and yes, I am aware that lower DEFCONs are, for some reason, worse. I just need you to accept the terms and conditions—no, of course, we’re not sending your feces to the cloud. We only send your fecal data to the cloud. But don’t worry: it’s 98 percent encrypted.
No, we’re not a poop data-collection company. We’re a poop data-collection and monetization platform, but again, have no fear: we don’t sell your poop data to the highest bidder. We sell your poop data indiscriminately. Just imagine: by scanning your poop, we could detect you have Crohn’s disease up to two years before your primary care physician—and we’ll even tell you about it if you upgrade to the Certified Gold Members Tier.
Congratulations, you’re now ready to poop!
Oh… hmm… it looks like your toilet doesn’t recognize your butt fingerprint. Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal, but you should know your toilet is currently calling the police.
The “Tokyo Toilet” refers to a public art project and has inspired a photo book and the Oscar-nominated movie Perfect Days directed by Wim Wenders. The project involved renowned architects designing 17 unique public restrooms in Shibuya, Tokyo, which serve as the setting for the film.
Happy reading, happy pooping and go watch that movie, it’s amazing.
I hope your break was restorative in whatever way you needed most. Heartwarming, soul-mending, surrounded by the people you like and love, or at the very least, a moment of stillness and quiet. We have one last day with our tree in full glory before I begin operation breakdown, efficiently wiping all evidence of the holidays from our home. I’m usually sad to see it go, but I feel ready. Ready for normalcy, for routine, and for the small pleasure of things moving back where they belong.
I gave up on New Year’s resolutions many years ago. The demand for sudden, total self-improvement on January 1st seems absurd and somewhat punitive, and the guilt that follows when a novella of change attempted all at once inevitably fails is never worth the effort. Instead, I keep a small set of intentions that I return to or may need reinforcement. Without further ado…
Showing up for myself
I’m good at showing up for people I care about. I lend a hand or an ear or can offer advice when it’s needed and do it even on days I’d rather not. I take a certain pride in that.
Where I struggle is in extending the same discipline to myself. This year, I want to keep my own promises with equal seriousness. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it. I take my own advice. I schedule the appointments, book the class, do the work, and show up for myself daily, without negotiation.
Four things
This is a practice I started in 2024 and one I’ve come to rely on. It helps me get things done and, more importantly, show up for myself. Most days, it keeps me productive. On the harder ones, it keeps overwhelming from taking the wheel. My daily to-do list allows space for only four things. That’s it.
The first is nonnegotiable. Something that needs immediate attention, usually work-related or time-sensitive. It’s something that keeps my family and me on track or a step closer to whatever comes next. It sits at the top of the list because it can’t be ignored. It’s one thing. Do it. Do it first.
The second is the things I’ve been avoiding. The doctor’s appointment. Garden and house projects to come. A return that needs to be dropped off before the window closes. The phone call that will take an hour, when I feel like I don’t have an hour to spend.
The third is mine. Call it self-care if you want. Time spent in the kitchen prepping meals to make the evenings run smoothly. Doing nothing but drinking a cup of tea and reading my book on the couch. The deep-tissue Thai massage my back’s been begging for. Finishing my writing. Meeting a friend for a hike. Something chosen deliberately as a reminder that life is not only what needs doing.
Four: Planning and making 2026 a travel & explore year. Destinations like Paris, New York, and Japan are on the 100% list.
Four things. That’s it. Everything else waits down below, patiently for another day and another list of four. More often than not, ticking those four boxes leaves me feeling accomplished enough to keep going. And sometimes, that’s when the real work begins.
A daily recap
I’ve always been able to keep a proper diary, journal, or this blog for years. In 2026, I want to take it easy. My last book, TheAverage of all Possible Things, was published in 2025, and I’ve let go of whatever expectations I’d attached to book writing for now. Whatever happens will happen, but I won’t force anything. It is fine if it is just a small pause at the end of the day to take stock and write down a few words. No full sentences required.
Here are my entries so far:
1/1/2026: Started the year laughing with friends. Hoping it ends the same. Bed at 2am, oops. fruit for breakfast. Watched Pretty in Pink (1986). Not hungover since I celebrate sobriety for 3 years, but still napped in the afternoon. A lovely lazy day. HNY!
2/1/2026: Worked on my blog. Feeling motivated to push myself and make this year my bitch. Planned a couple of vacations for 2026. Thought about attending an Ashtanga Yoga Retreat. Vitisted my bookstore and bought many books. Duh! Spent the afternoon/evening reading.
3/1/2026: Woke up at 9 am. Had a nice breakfast and chat with my parents. Quiet morning with the X-mas tree and family. Indoor Playground with Joel, my sister and her kids. Joel yelling and then crying. Going to bed early.
4/1/2026: Laundry is done. Favorite sweatshirt is clean. Bought curtains online. Wrote for hours. Made lunch and dinner with mom. A good day.
That is all for now, but I will be here sooner rather than later—I made a promise to myself. 😉
Happy New Year, and as always, thank you for reading! Don’t take yourself and life too seriously.
xx
P.S. Please share a goal or intention of yours with the class. I love this shit!
It’s 9:45 p.m. You put in an extra, late spurt – for supper, you had a toasted sandwich at your desk, brushing the occasional crumb from the keyboard while you kept at it. It was difficult. But now it’s done. You have made the progress you had hoped to. Probably, it will all start again in the morning, but you will be working off a solid base – it won’t be the familiar scramble to catch up.
You are worn out. You had to make yourself stick at it – but now you are glad you did. There is a gentle ache in the middle of your back. You yawn and turn your neck from side to side; you stretch around and try to massage an awkward spot below your left shoulder blade. In a while, you will need to head off to bed – but not just yet. It is nice to linger and spin out the moment of repletion. It is lovely to saunter about and make a cup of tea. You might flick indifferently through the newspaper. You can’t get engaged: your brain has done its work and shies away from any further efforts.
The pleasure we feel after a good but hard day’s work is linked to a positive experience of willpower. It was tempting to break off; you could have put it off until tomorrow (you have often done that in the past); you could have become distracted (which is achingly familiar); you could have stayed physically at your desk but actually been fantasising about trips to in New York and Japan next year or finding out what your favorite author is up to at the moment. But you didn’t. You stuck with the big thing.
It’s also to do with a sense of mastery: in anticipation, we slightly feared the task. But we got on top of this tricky thing, and we tamed it. There were points when it felt we might not: it was too difficult; a solution seemed elusive; there were too many things we were trying to get right at the same time; a mass of details needed to be reduced to a simple, coherent shape – though it wasn’t at all obvious what this could be. An awkward email needed a tactful but firm response; a refusal had to be delivered without a sting; a criticism needed to be put forward delicately but very clearly. A hunch had to be turned into a proposal – and there is always a difficult point at which what had, from a distance, seemed like a good idea starts to look much less impressive close up, yet it was onto something …. only what exactly? Maybe you had to revise a report, and you dreaded unpicking work you had already done and facing the same old issues once again. We have been labouring against the normal forces of disintegration. Things that were scattered and messy have been brought together, harmonised, tidied up, elucidated. We have done something fundamental. We have held back the tide of chaos.
The pleasure of a long, productive project hints at a bigger theme. It is not simply about this moment and the particular tasks we have polished off. It is a promise that other problems can be faced as well. We are reminded of a capacity within ourselves to deal with difficulties, to get on top of challenges and to keep going until they are under control. We are seeing in ourselves an antidote to the fear of drifting. We naturally worry we will be swamped by demands; we know our own unfortunate tendency to let things fester. But right now, we are conscious of something else. We are capable of rousing ourselves, of focus and of sustained efforts. We can stick with something difficult and keep going through the temptations to break off and seek distraction. We have been just a little bit heroic, and we know it, and it feels nice.
Exhaustion is – all too often – a reason to have to give up because one’s strength has failed too soon. The brain starts to melt when really we should be getting on with a big task; the mind is worn out, while the problem remains unsolved. Instead, now, we are experiencing honourable or worthy tiredness. Instead of getting annoyed with ourselves for lacking energy, our pleasant tiredness feels like the natural and just reward for our labours. It’s setting us up for a good night’s sleep.
A small pleasure is one of those tiny acts or moments that make you feel extreme peace or joy or gratitude. It’s easy to overlook them in our day-to-day lives, but once we notice them, we’re able to feel more present. For the past 9 years, I’ve been compiling small pleasures in my Notes app, in my journals, and in my mind.
I came across the book “Small Pleasures” by The School of Life a few years ago. It’s one of my favorite books — reading it is a small pleasure in itself. Every chapter touches on a different moment, like that feeling when you’re finally fully recovered after being sick, or when you’re physically exhausted after a productive day, or when you and someone else dislike the same person, or the feeling of a night alone at a hotel.
Small pleasures just always feel so good. And they help us see life from a fresh perspective. They might be small, but they’re a big inspiration.
As an introduction to this newsletter, here are just some of my own small pleasures I’ve been compiling over the years:
Being on a plane and seeing how tiny the earth below me looks (especially when you’re flying over a suburban neighborhood filled with bright, blue, picturesque swimming pools in the backyards)
Finding handwritten messages in old books (Who is Timothy? Did they actually like this birthday gift? Did they even read this book or did they just donate it?)
Being in my childhood room when I go back home to visit and waking up to the smell of breakfast being cooked
Seeing the insides of different apartments when I’m walking down the street and admiring furniture, lamps, and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves
Going to the restroom at a restaurant and coming back to the table and the food is already there
Getting drawn by someone you’re in love with
When the bathroom shelf is restocked with freshly washed towels
Things I have learned having lived in New York City and Ottawa, Canada
How to Experience More Luxury Every Day throught Small Pleasures
We all need to be experiencing more luxury in our daily lives. By luxury, I don’t necessarily mean expensive. Unless it’s expensive in a Tom Ford perfume kind of way (my weakness).
Treat your home like a small gallery
I have small tables in one of my reading nooks/rooms and I use it for displaying my favorite books and objects. It’s kinda like my “what’s on display for this week?” table. Right now, I’ve got a poetry book by Fernando Pessoa, Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island which my son is reading, a book on gardening that a friend gifted us, and a candle.
Keep a stash of extra journals and stationery
I’m all for having a bunch of journals handy. I am a writer, I need those things. I prefer the Japanese brand Hobonichi. You’re at a stationery store or traveling? You’re buying a journal—even if you have 10 new ones at home. It’s nice knowing you have a collection of beautiful journals, cards, and sticky notes of all sizes and paper types and colors. They also make great gifts. I also recommend having blank cards and envelopes too so you can design your own with markers and pencils.
Get an incredible hand soap
Hand soap is one of those things I will always splurge on. To wash your hands is a daily and necessary act and I may as well have the very best!! My go-tos that smells incredible are the Bath and Body Works soaps. Or just thrift a nice soap dispenser and put whatever soap you want in there.
Make your home smell good
Speaking of scents, your home deserves a few signature scents. Usually, I’m in a candle mood, I’m burning Libraryfrom Maison Markosian.
Fill your fridge and pantry with fun items and prioritize the presentation
My non-negotiables: English breakfast, fancy soups and bowls, good honey, berries, assortment of cheeses, coffee for days, and teas of all flavors. I don’t drink alcohol but cracking open a fun beverage (something frizzy, oxymel, lavender syurup with sparkling water) at 5 pm, adding a singular big ice cube, and sipping it out of your favorite cup or glass? There is nothing more luxurious. I don’t care if I’m eating the simplest meal by myself—I will put a lot of care into the plating because it makes me happy.
Make time to microread
Even if it’s just for 5 minutes! I can’t stress this enough. It’s better to read just one page a day than not read at all. Sometimes I don’t read because I think I need an entire hour dedicated to it, but it’s been freeing to let go of that. I’ll squeeze in a few pages in the morning or while eating lunch. And always carry your book around. Giving yourself time to read every day is one of those necessary luxuries.
Treat your morning routine like a special ritual
I love getting ready in the morning once I am fully awake. I listen to Spotify, take my time with my skincare routine, get dressed and drink some warm lemon water and coffee or tea. The whole thing lasts no more than 30 minutes but it’s the best way to start my day.
Never leave the house without a book
This is a rule I like to follow strictly. Unless my bag is too tiny, I will always carry a book with me. It helps to pack a lighter, more pocket-sized book, but if you want to bring your thicker books, go for it. Many times I’ve arrived at a dinner reservation too early or had an impromptu park hangout and I ended up being so thankful that I had a book with me. You want to have the option of whipping out a book at any given moment!
Treat your tastebuds to something new every week
Whether you’re trying a new restaurant or cooking a dish you’ve never made before, aim for novelty every week. Pick up a fruit or vegetable you usually don’t get at the farmers’ market. Make a reservation at a restaurant you’ve been wanting to go to since last summer. Eat stuff you don’t usually eat. I grew up a picky eater, so now I’ll try (almost) anything to make up for those years.
Learn something new and go deep
Find a topic you want to dive deep into. Maybe it’s art history, swimming, running, fly fishing, or crocheting — or all of the above. My brain always craves learning about multiple things at once, so right now I’m focused on modern art history, Frida Kahlo’s life, Mexican interior design, and AI’s impact on mental health.
Go see all the films and art exhibitions
Go solo or with company. I like a mix of both. I love to have dinner with friends and then go to the movies by myself. A while ago I went to see Pedro Almodóvar’s Law of Desire (1987).It’s a story following the life of a gay filmmaker in Madrid and the extremes we go to when we’re obsessed with someone. I won’t say anything else, but it was fantastic. As for art galleries, look up the galleries in your city and see what’s currently being shown and what’s coming up. I have a running list of exhibitions I want to check out, the neighborhood they’re in, and how long they’re going on. If I happen to be in the area, I’ll pop in.
Smell good all the time
I’m still wearing Tom Ford’s Lost Cherry almost every day, but I have a little bag of samples I frequently reach for with perfumes from Le Labo, Byredo, and D.S. & Durga. I especially love Italian Citrus,I Don’t Know What, and Rose 31.
Have do-nothing days
Christmas season can be super busy, so always make time for days when nothing is on the agenda. You never know what the day will turn into, and it’s one of the best parts of unplanned days. The day will feel soooo long and wonderful.
Again, pay attention to the small pleasures
This is how I try to live my life every day. And it’s the inspiration behind this article, after all! Look up at the clouds. Stare at your coffee while it brews. Say hi to your neighbors. See the sunset. Notice your body. Enjoy the cold. Eat lots of healty food. Take siestas. People watch. Have a hot beverage outside. Dine at a fancy restaurant. Let hot chocolate be your drink for this season. Reapply good smelling lotions. Take multiple hot showers a day.
