.SOMETIMES RAW.

Me, unsuccessfully looking for money in a stream on a private property.

“Look, the Money is in my Account… aaaaand it’s Gone Already”…

This is a sentence a colleague said the other day when it was payday. I thought it was so funny because she was happy for a couple of minutes when the money first arrived (happy dance) and so sad a couple of minutes later when the automatic payments started to be deducted. In these tough economic times, it makes sense to save what little money you have. I bet no one has ever told you that. That wasn’t very nice of them. They probably want all of your money for themselves. A lot of people want your money, especially those fat cats at Amazon, and car dealerships and cab drivers who insist that you pay even if there was nothing good on Taxi TV. But other people want your money too. In fact, everyone does. Remember that!

First tip for saving money: When someone comes up to you on the street and says, “Give me all of your money,” instead of saying “Sure” say, “No way, Jose!” Then they’ll be like, “H-how did you k-know my name?” And they’ll run away. You still have your money!

Second tip for saving money is to prioritize. Do you really need toilet paper when you have paper towels? Do you really need more underwear? What is the point of it, really? Do you really need a winter coat when it’s just going to be summer again in six months? Is that prescription medicine necessary? You do know that most medicines are placebos anyway, right? Nothing an apple and a beer can’t fix! Trust me, I’m a doctor. A doctor of savings!

Third tip for saving money: Pay special attention to how much you waste everyday. Why are you throwing away the ends of the loaves of bread? Are they any less delicious? Actually, that’s true. They are less delicious. Someone should make loaves of bread that don’t have the annoying end pieces. Actually, don’t steal that idea, that’s mine.

Fourth tip for saving monies is to put aside a set amount of money every week into a piggy bank. Well, this is not really to save money, after all, only loose change fits into a piggy bank and piggy banks are only so big. Well, it could add up if you’re collecting pounds or Spanish galleons, but—let’s be honest—you’re not. No, this is for when you can’t afford that trip to Kenia or Atlantic City (why would you want to go there—sorry that’s your business) and you can take a hammer to the piggy bank and when all the coins spill out it’ll be like you won the slot machine! If you invest in enough piggy banks you can do this lots of times! Piggy banks cost money though.

You know what else I could do with the loaves of bread without the annoying ends idea? I could use all the annoying ends that I don’t use and compile them together to make a complete loaf and sell them to the weirdos that like that part of the bread. That’s economic and it’s a brilliant business plan. Seriously, if I go to a grocery store and see that someone has done this before me I will be really upset.

Like, super upset.

The fifth and final tip for saving money is to not make a lot of money. That way, even the little that you save is a bigger percentage of what you have, as opposed to if you were a really rich person. If I had millions of euros, let me tell you I’d be blowing through that in my private jet pretty quickly. Being poor makes you more fiscally responsible. So, for example, when people ask me, at parties and such, how much money I’ve saved, I say, “80 percent of my income,” which is true. And that makes me feel more secure. I can dip into that one hundred euros in change (and I mean literally in change, not like one hundred euros give or take) in my twelve piggy banks at time. I’m doing the responsible thing. Are you?

And in the end, it simply boils down to life choices we make. What we purchase and why, and if we really need it or if we can live without it. Sorry for the spoiler but these kind of calculations are actually pretty simple.

Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want all the kids in town to go look for the eggs so they can eat the candy. This is all about the kids. Adults can’t help them look.

Oh, I almost forgot about the Easter Bunny. Easter is what you’re gonna call the day I come back to life, and the Easter Bunny is what you’re gonna call the man-sized rabbit that hides all the candy-filled eggs the children will hunt down.

Is this too weird? I don’t want this to feel weird. But it’s really important all of this happens every single year from now until forever.

Also, for forty days leading up to Easter, you need to give up one thing you love. Doesn’t have to be anything crazy. I recommend giving up candy because then you’ll be extra excited for those eggs. I don’t know if you noticed, but I totally gave up candy this month. And you can bet when I get back I’m digging into a Milka Nougat bar.

Moving on, let’s talk about my birthday. Every year on my birthday, a guy named Santa is gonna break into your house and leave you presents. Let him do this. Encourage it.

None of you know who Santa is yet, but trust me: he’s real. He’s a large man in a red suit and a big white beard. He’s not related to me. To be honest, he kind of has nothing to do with me. But it’s important that you convince your kids this guy is the real deal.

Santa lives in the North Pole with the Easter Bunny, which is a place that hasn’t been discovered yet. And when you do discover it, you’re not gonna find Santa or the Easter Bunny. That’s because they are magic, like me. They can travel around the world in one night and deliver presents or eggs to every single child. But only if that child’s family cuts down a tree and puts it inside their house. And if they hide nests outside for the easter eggs. No bird nests, please.

I know what you’re thinking: “A dead tree inside our house? That sounds like a fire hazard!” All I have to say is: you saw me walk on water, but you’re second-guessing the tree thing? Come on. Also, keep a fire extinguisher nearby. Also, don’t second-guess the egg-thing either.

Back to the jolly man in red and the Easter Bunny. Every shopping center needs to have at least one person dressed up like Santa or the Bunny so they can meet with all the town’s children and relay their wishes to the real Santa. Santa might be magic, but he doesn’t have time to listen to every single kid in the world. He’s got toys to make with his elves. Also, there are such things as elves. Also, Santa is technically an elf. But don’t worry about that stuff, that’s like hardcore canon stuff. Forget I even mentioned it. The Easter Bunny on the other hand has to carry millions of eggs and hide them. Damn, you think your job sucks?

One more thing about Easter. Remember Easter? Every year on the anniversary of today (the day I die), I want you to call that day Good Friday. I know right now it seems like a really, really bad Friday. But trust me, in the long run, you’re gonna see why this whole crucifixion is a good thing. I’m doing this for you. I’ve got your best interests in mind.

Alright, I’m gonna go now. I know nobody’s ever come back before, but I promise I’ll be back. Have a great weekend, and I’ll see you on Easter. Don’t forget to help the Man Bunny hide those eggs!

Now, be a good egg and think twice about putting all your eggs in one basket.

Happy Easter to everybody who celebrates.

Don’t get married before you live together. You just never know what the other person will be like to live with, and you need to figure that out before marriage.

Definitely don’t tie the knot until you’ve traveled together. You absolutely have to find out if your future spouse is a good travel companion – what if you get married and then learn they cry during turbulence but not The Notebook? If you don’t have money to travel, simply hitchhike together and see how your partner reacts when they have a gun to their head.

You need to make sure your marriage can withstand major life changes, so don’t get married until one of you has been fired from their job. If you like your job, then plan to marry someone who’s bad at theirs. Or intentionally sabotage them by hacking into their work email and sending nudes to their boss. If you’re uncomfortable sending your partner’s nudes, send your own. Marriage is about compromise.

Don’t get married before you’ve had children together. Get a tester-baby or watch how he deal with kids. Oh, he already has a child and is not paying child support because his ex sucks? Run! Seeing what the other person is like as a parent is key to determining if they’re the right person for you. If it turns out they’re a completely negligent parent, at least you know before you do something extreme like buying an expensive white dress. Hand the tester-baby back and call it a day.

You’ll be humiliated if your loved ones travel dozens of miles to see your marriage ceremony and then you get divorced a mere two decades later, so don’t get married until one of you has completely altered their physical appearance. You want to make sure this marriage is about love, not just physical attraction and his trust fund. Shave your head, gain weight, cut your nose off, stay inside for 6 years — I really don’t care. Just do it.

What if weddings just aren’t for you? You need to find that out before you marry your partner, so don’t get married until you’ve married someone else first. Please consider me for the role of your starter bride. And then don’t get divorced — it’s a turn off to future lovers.

Don’t join in holy union until you’ve turned 35. It’s imperative that you’ve seen your partner hit the 35 mark and come out okay on the other end. meaning: don’t live with their parents, have a steady income and job, don’t live under a bridge etc. You have no idea how many good relationships have failed just because one of them wasn’t at least 35 and the other couldn’t handle it. If you meet after age 35, don’t get married at all. If you’re single at 35, sorry, but society warned you to stay this way. At least I did — excessively.

And don’t get married before you’ve both gone through periods of extreme depression. If your other half isn’t a naturally depressed person, try to induce it by depriving them of food, sleep and especially sex. Have sex maybe once every other month or better not at all. Good excuses: You have a major headache, work sucked, you are tired, “you knooooow, it was such a hard day with the kid(s)” or the best one “I don’t think I like sex anymore”. You need to know what they’re like when they’re nearly suicidal before you drop 40,000 Euros on a wedding.

Are you “in love” enough to go visit them while they’re serving a life sentence in jail? You must find out before you throw your whole life away! So instead, throw your neighbor’s life away by murdering him, and then wait and find out if your “Love of your Life” comes to see you every weekend. If so, you can walk down the aisle. Or, walk in a lap with the other prisoners.

Don’t get married before you’ve watched the other person die. Honestly, that’s a really traumatic event in a marriage, and you want to make sure you can handle it before you commit to spending your whole life together. Bravely volunteer yourself as the one to watch your partner meet their maker. This is usually the step where couples realize it’s not going to work out, so make sure not to skip it.