painting by Shannon Lucy
So, my son is into all kind of computer games. I told him the other day that I would love to spend more quality time with him. He responded that he would show me one of his computer games and that I will totally love it. “It is not complicated at all, mom,” he said and explained all the necessary moves to me. This way, we do spend time together, I thought. Below is just a short transcript on how this all went. Enjoy!
Stop yelling at me. I don’t know why I’m plowing into this corner either, but the harder I push this toggle-pusher thingy, the harder it pushes back. Also: why are there four screens? It’s hard for me to tell what I’m looking at.
Oh, that’s all of us? That’s so sweet. It makes me so happy to see us all together like that. We really ought to grab a picture for Grandma and Grandpa before we—oh no, what just happened?
Am I—floating right now? Why am I floating?
I died?
How do I un-die?
I think I remember asking you to stop yelling at me. Do we make good choices when we yell? We do not. I think someone’s going to see a precipitous decline in their screen time allowance if we can’t work on our tone.
Oh, thank you for un-dying me. Now let me figure out how to—oh, hey, movement! I’m moving! I’m—
Jumping. I am shooting. Try to shoot this apple from my head, go on. It is fine. Just aim!
Okay, you don’t want to shoot me. So I’m still in this corner, but at least I’m seeing a different part of it. A higher part. Repeatedly. But look, I just landed on two of those goblins. And these laser beams—wow! They just shoot right out of my eyes, I guess?
Sorry, I see that I took out one of those little heart thingies above your head…
Your LIFE? Oh, let’s not be melodramatic. I have a feeling you may know someone who labored for thirty-eight hours to give YOU life.
Yes, I see you. I SEE you, I said. You act like running down this wall is pretty easy for someone who’s never managed to put dirty socks into a hamper.
Besides, I’m obviously dealing with a higher center of gravity than you are. No wonder I’m not more nimble—couldn’t they give me a cardigan or something to cover these enormous breasts? Or somewhere to put this sword? I feel like I might accidentally slice one of these suckers right off.
Oh, don’t sound so scandalized. Breasts are a perfectly normal thing to talk about. I have two of my own, for goodness sake. If anything, they were more yours than mine for the first year or so after you were born…
Excuse me? Did you just tell me to stop talking about my breasts? Did you say “tits” just now? To your mother? There are appropriate words and there are inappropriate words, and I think you know what kind you just used.
I’m going to walk back into this stone corner until you apologize.
Thank you. I forgive you, of course. That’s what mothers do. Over and over and over again.
Isn’t this fun? I’m so glad you talked me into this—this game is loads better than UNO. And speaking of loads, guess what? In between loads of laundry—I folded your underwear, by the way, it’s on your bed—I’ve been watching a few of those TockTock things online so I can be a better video game teammate, because that’s what families do: we work together.
Now, let me show you this cool move I learned to get rid of those nasty goblins. See?
That’s his SPINE!
And look, if I do this combination here, I can crochet it into a tea cozy. I bet you didn’t even know THAT was an option, did you? If you’d stop and use your words and count to ten when you’re angry, you might learn something.
Plus, some other game-moms figured out a “mod” to hack entrails into yarn, so we have a LOT of yarn to work with.
First order of business: I’m making myself a cardigan with a nice, sturdy rib stitch. Because I’ve got to bind these breasts of mine down somehow.
Also, it’s pretty obvious I’m cold. Why are you not playing anymore? Can I click on any body armour? Which one is the best? Joel? Joel? Joel? I cannot see you anymore?
—–Joel left the game
