*4-Year-Old’s Workday.
8:55 a.m. Arrive at office. Hang jacket on sunshine-shaped hook with name on it. Put snack in cubbyhole. Sing “Good Morning” song with co-workers. Tackle a Sudoku. Google “Best Toy Stores in Vienna” to see what’s new on the market.
9:04 a.m. Forward hilarious e-mail to everyone in address book. Subject line: “Poo-poo.” Skim through all the other emails you received and wonder why you are always cc’d in these informational emails when others get promoted.
9:10 a.m. Take spreadsheets out of Star Wars backpack. Stretch out on floor and begin making notations with crayon. Rearrange desk. Look important by shuffling papers from left to right. Print out funny pictures of coworkers and hang them in your office.
9:15 a.m. Drink juice box. Eat crackers. Look busy. Always look busy. Ponder the seedless watermelon— genius or troubling? Call your mom to say hi. Take a selfie in the huge mirror in the restroom. Send it to friends with the hashtag #suchabusydayatwork
9:25 a.m. Spend hour lining up office supplies on desk in perfect straight line. Toy with idea of sorting them by color but get distracted by imaginary conversation between stapler and three-hole punch. Complicated scenario ensues involving a lion, a puppy, and the mommy Hi-Liter kissing the daddy Hi-Liter.
10:40 a.m. Randy from accounting drops by and “borrows” pen with the springy pink feather on top. Grab pen back. Scream in each other’s faces until Randy takes a swing with copy of Needs-Assessment Analysis. Supervisor intervenes and sends Randy to the smoke room for a time-out.
11:05 a.m. Intend to begin debugging online program for gender equality and nepotism. Get caught up in Polly Pocket website instead.
12:00 p.m. Lunch. Trade PB&J for tuna with Jerry from human resources. Friendly banter about who could take who in a fight: the Poky Little Puppy or the Cat in the Hat. Notice Donna is wearing Finding Nemo T-shirt for fourth straight day.
1:00 p.m. Write up statistical profile of user satisfaction based on regional trends. Entitle report “I Like Stickers.”
1:30 p.m. Naptime.
2:12 p.m. Another Important Budget Staff meeting (that could have been an email) proves unproductive due to constant requests to go pee.
2:40 p.m. Telephone headquarters to discuss department budget for upcoming fiscal year. While talking, draw picture of house. Feel special pride in the way the smoke spirals out of chimney. Tape picture to wall next to trophy for company’s Hunger-Games championship in darts.
3:00 p.m. Attend mandatory Employees’ Committee workshop entitled “Ear Infections Are EVERYBODY’S Business.” Session comes to abrupt halt when manager of finance jams eraser up nose.
3:30 p.m. E-mail from director of marketing: “I’m not accusing anyone but my blanky was in the copy room and now it’s not. I hope whoever ‘accidentally’ took it will please return it, no questions asked. Otherwise I’m telling.” Schedule an emergency meeting on this topic. Invite the entire department, cc everybody else.
4:05 p.m. Ask Marco in adjoining cubicle to stop making “vroom-vroom” noises when he moves the mouse. Squeeze a stress ball.
4:45 p.m. Try to duck out early, thus avoiding mandatory singing of “Cleanup” song with co-workers. Busted by supervisor, who announces that no one is leaving until everyone is sitting quietly. Schedule another meeting, email everybody and discuss this topic. Keep everybody as long as possible.
4:55 p.m. Retrieve jacket from hook. Supervisor helps with zipper. Wave bye-bye to Dave at the front desk. Step into elevator. Press all the buttons.
