Finally, it’s this time of the year. Summer Holidays. My son and I will go on a little adventure and explore Japan for the next couple of weeks. I will take a blogging break to indulge in sushi 3x a day (at least), walk around in a Kimono, and climb Mount Fuji to blend in (for sure if we do it in a Kimono). I am not looking forward to the 11-hour flight, but hey, we gotta get there somehow, and I think it is still better to book a direct flight, if possible, than an hour-long layover somewhere.
Let’s just get something straight, right off the bat. By reading this, you, as a human, are not going to learn how to actually fly. That’s just impossible. Do you have wings? No. Is your butt a jet pack? It is not. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’ll bet that a jet pack butt is not included. Why do you want to fly anyway? We all know what happened to Icarus. His FACE melted off when he tried to fly. This is an article on how not to be an asshole on the plane and how to fly IN an airplane. This is simply how to be a good passenger and make the most of your time in the air.
While you’re waiting to board the plane, take note of the people also on your flight. Are there any good-looking ones? Of course there aren’t; that never happens. In fact, everyone looks insane because they’re wearing tiny neck pillows. Are you wearing a neck pillow? Ask yourself, Is it worth me wearing this neck pillow in public, just walking around, pretending like I’m not wearing a neck pillow when I am, in fact, wearing a neck pillow? Ask yourself that question three times, just to be sure that you totally agree with your answer.
When you walk through first class, look each person dead in the eye and mouth “asshole.” If you’re wearing a neck pillow, I’m sorry, but you cannot do this.
When the person next to you tries to strike up a conversation, flirtatiously say, “I’d feel a lot more talkative with a drink in me.” And when they offer to buy you a drink, say, “I don’t drink.” Put your head down and cry. If they try to comfort you say, “I could sure use that drink right now.” And they’ll be confused and say, “But I thought you didn’t drink?” That’s when you scream, “You don’t know me!” Guarantee you’ll be left alone after that.
Press your leg against their leg for the rest of the trip. This will maximize your space and let them know that you aren’t really mad at them.
Then order a non-alcoholic drink and stare at them as you down it in one gulp, letting tears steadily roll down your cheeks. This will also let them know that you’re not mad and are in fact sorry for yelling at them. Order something to drink all the time, especially if you have a window seat. Ask your seat neighbour if you can get out to go to the toilet all the time.
When you watch television, do not utilize the buttons on your armrest. Change the channel and volume on the actual screen, with short, powerful jabs. That way, you will have more precision in your channel and volume changing, but you will also be providing a free massage to the person in the seat in front of you.
When the plane lands, clap loudly. Everyone loves this.
When you exit your row, make sure to cut in front of at least three people who are waiting to get out from the rows ahead of you. Because they need a good healthy lesson in “you snooze, you lose.” In fact, as you rush past them feel free to say, “you snooze, you lose” but ONLY if you are not wearing a neck pillow. Because if you are, you clearly subscribe to the “you snooze, you win” philosophy. Listen, there’s a reason “you snooze, you win” is not a phrase listed in the Urban Dictionary. It is both false and not rhyming. Just take off the damn neck pillow.
And here is a list of people on the plane, categorised by the pants they are wearing. This information might come in handy!
Wool Suit Pants: Will board before you.
Wool Hunting Pants: Will board after you.
Pleated Dockers: Will loudly talk on cell phone about Scotland and Dracula, and Sherlock Holmes.
Pajama Bottoms: Will be flying either to or from a city with huge universities. Might smell bad.
Sweatpants with I Love Meat Logo: Will clog one or more bathrooms.
Stained Yoga Pants: Will be carrying a screaming child.
Stained Gymboree Pants: Will be a screaming child.
Leather Pants: Did not pay for own flight.
Pants with Underwear Sticking Out: Did not pay for own flight.
Jeans with Rhinestones: Will get wasted on tequila and Sprite and looks at flight attendant’s boob.
Tight Black Stretch Pants: Will be a pharmaceutical sales rep named Morgan.
Hemp Pants: Will be flying either to or from a city with a yurt resort.
Golf Pants: Will “accidentally” click on a porn link on his laptop.
Camouflage Cargos: Carry-on is a styrofoam cooler sealed with duct tape.
Blue Capris: European on business.
Red Capris: European on holiday.
Plaid Capris: European on way to rehab.
Pink Sweatpants: Will laugh her ass off at the Adam Sandler in-flight movie.
Beige Slacks: Will nervously clutch book about how liberals are destroying America.
Linen Trousers: Will swallow a Xanax and mangle your hand during take-off.
Wide-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a cat.
Thin-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a guitar.
Patched Corduroys: Traveling with a cat named Guitar.
Orange Jumpsuit: Did not pay for own flight.
Skinny Jeans: Will develop deep vein thrombosis.
Swim Trunks: Will be escorted off plane by federal air marshal for doing something gross to the beverage cart.
5.11 Tactical Pants in Black, Beige, or Camouflage: Federal air marshal, security or police officer
Have a safe and pleasant flight. And don’t be an asshole.
