Talk is cheap and it is usually very easy to say that I am happy with where I am in life right now or even that I am 100% happy with myself. This is why I am working with and on myself to find this inner peace. Usually I see something else up ahead and I want to be there instantly by rushing there forgetting to breathe and slow down. Rushing usually gets me nowhere.
Since becoming a mother one of the things – biggest things I am practicing is slowing down. Learning through and with my son is one of the biggest gifts in my life. In my previous stressful New York life – rushing from one appointment to the next but always rushing- I forgot to “stop and smell the roses”. It is amazing that I am fortunate to see all these little changes my son goes through now. That I am HERE NOW with him to experience all this. I think it is really hard for me to see time slipping by every day with all these changes he goes through – it is just all so fast. Time means nothing. Like the time I am here in Germany now- meeting all my good friends again, especially spending so much time with Susi, Alex, Jonas and Julius (Jesus) is just so precious. And how quickly will this time be over and things will change. I just have the feeling that I need to have this very clear view and a strong pull to stay in the now, and just be in the present. To simply enjoy every moment!
However, at the same time it is so very hard to do exactly that. So with some help I am doing and practicing exactly just that – practicing just being here. Just simply “be” sounds so easy but it is not – it is hard to just be because it needs a lot of focus. Focus is important. When I play with my son I play with my son. No phone, no distractions please. What I really try is to clear my head and play, just stop thinking what I have to do later or what I just read or need to do later on. It is so important for myself and also for my son. He knows and feels when I am not 100% with him. He knows when something is on my mind that bothers me. And when I am not content he is not content. Simple as that.
My son loves tractors these days. With a passion. All I see is tractors all day long in form of books, toys etc. but I do play with him and listen to him when he tries to tell me something with his little voice without me being somewhere else.
I believe my son deserves presence. This is a gift I want to give him and I try to be mindful of this at all times. Who knows how much longer I am able to be there for him this way. I even try to do the same when I am writing. My son is asleep a long time ago but I am still closing the door quietly to not wake him up and I keep the lights low and just focus on just the words in am typing here and now in this white box on this blog.
I try to get something out of every experience I have. When I am cooking for example I really want to cook 100%. I want to smell the garlic and onion simmering on the stove and I want to taste the lemon and all the fresh herbs I squeeze over the dish.
I had been reminded (through my Reiki master) of a great lesson today. None of us know how much time we have left and what is next. All I can think about is how short this life is. I mean the average human lives around 28,500 days, or about seventy-eight years (“The Big Five for Live” by John Strelecky). Well, hopefully it is more, but statistically speaking it is about just that. And I also realize there are no guarantees it might be even shorter. There is this weird spectrum how I call it. The happy lucky side (you can do it all – so do it all because you only live once) and at the same time a very sad side (you only live one – you just cannot do it all).
Right now I am just in this middle thing and paddling around trying to figure out what I can do, what I am capable of, how much I can achieve – with this knowledge in the back of my mind that I do not even know how much time I have left in my hourglass which is constantly emptying.
So, I just want to be here. Here. Now. In this moment. And enjoy everything around me. We do not know when it is all over. Maybe there is a Safari next? 😀