.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello! 

I love traveling. I do want to go but I don’t want to leave. Does this make sense? To me it does and I want to write about it because it has been on my mind for days now. Today my brother and his girlfriend left and I felt really sad. I love him and I hate seeing him leaving. I wish we could all live together close by and see each other more often. Well, it’s life but it is tough. 

I have spent most of my life in Germany with family around but I made the decision to leave all this behind and move to Munich first. Then to New York and let’s see where to next. But let me tell you, I will never get used to the pain of leaving. This feeling that makes my heart ache! It was me who wanted to try something new. It was also me who wanted to live somewhere else, somewhere bigger and larger. I wanted to get to know myself by living away from my usual surroundings. I always had the urge to go, see and discover. Now that I have my son, things changed a bit. We still travel so so much but I love to see him with Oma and Opa. To have everybody around is just amazing and I am so fortunate to still have everybody healthy and in my life, I know that.

My husband, our son and I have the chance to experience so much and travel the world, try new food, meet new people, experience new climates and swim in different oceans and lakes all the time. I love how  we as a family grow – it is all fine. Looking forward to new things and continents is exciting! 

I do enjoy and appreciate all these things. But, it is saying good-bye and leaving that gets me every single time and never gets better. I will never ever get used to this. My husband said once that he said goodbye to his brother so many times that it is not difficult for him anymore. I said goodbye a million times too, but for me….. damn! To think about not quickly walking over to my parent’s house to have coffee with my mom and talk for hours makes me sad. Not to be at their house and cook, read, talk and just be with them hurts me. When I was in the States for several months last year we used to talk on the phone or Skype a lot which is okay but of course is never the same than sitting with my mom in the kitchen. Just the smell of the kitchen – this oh so familiar smell that I remember from my childhood is always there. Face-to-Face conversations are always better obviously. 

When it is time to say goodbye I try to be strong and not have a complete “sad-flash-meltdown”. I also let my son know that it is okay to leave and always feels good to come back – simply because we can, they are all alive, they are healthy and everything is okay. So I let my tears silently flow – I cannot help it.  I tell my son that I am sad when he hugs me and asks what is wrong. I tell him that I love my parents so much and that this is my home-base I am leaving behind. This is a place for me to feel secure, protected and loved no matter what. 

How I deal with this pain? Not very well usually but I do keep in mind that my family is just a plane- ride away.  I know that they are there for me no matter what and I can rely on them for anything. At the same time I  know that this is vacation here and that life could not continue forever like this. My husband, son and I have our own life, work and responsibilities and we are up to new exciting adventures. I want to give my son the exact comfortable feeling that my parents give me. Unconditional love. To be fortunate to have a family this loving is amazing by itself. Emotions are just temporary and I have to look for the positives, right? It is a choice to be happy. “It will be alright in the end. And if it isn’t okay it is not the end.” 

How do you deal with saying goodbye to your family? Is it tough for you as well? Do you have any suggestions on how to make it less painful? I would love to hear from you. 

Thank you for reading my blog. 

Hello!

Today I was happy. Truly happy. Maybe it was because it felt like spring. Maybe it was because I got up early, started the day with a cup of tea and a good book. Maybe because I had an appointment at Sehes? Or maybe all of the above. I don’t really search for justification: today I was simply happy. One thing I know for sure. I don’t take happiness for granted anymore. Usually, I tended to be a pessimist but I know that this gets me nowhere. I did worry about most of the things and decisions in my life. But I am getting better. I am learning, I am evolving. As my husband would say, “Slowly but surely.” 

I learned that it is important to live in the present. And just stop worrying constantly. Everything happens for a reason and things will be a-okay. This is when I started to feel happier. At the end of the day I usually ask myself what I am grateful for. What worked out really well today, and what did not. What can I improve and make better. Sometimes I write these thoughts down but mostly I make a little list in my head. If you really think about it, there are so many things to be grateful for every single day. I am happy that I was able to get out of bed in the morning. Sounds weird, but this is something awesome! Without pain, without having to rely on somebody – I just get up and go. Sweet, no? Many times I am thinking about some sort of ideal life. How my life could be better, faster, greater but recently I realize that I don’t have to chase after the so called “perfect life” because I am already living it. 

I am living it right here and now. All I need to do is to stay present and stop worrying so much about the future. I noticed many times that the more I plan to take a certain direction things turn out differently anyway.  So why all the sleepless nights! If things are meant to be, they will happen. Easy-peasy! And if I do worry again, I just remind myself of all this. I will try again and begin to have more faith in myself. I think I do deserve to be happy and to live the best life imaginable. We all do! The key is to realize that it is already perfect and that we have everything we need. 

When I walked back home for lunch today, the sun was shining. It was strangely warm for January. I took breaths of fresh air, filled my lungs and felt the ground beneath my feet. I stopped for one minute or two, closed my eyes and soaked in the sun. I think that this was a perfect moment to realize that I do have it all. I am living the sweet life. I kept on walking. Walking back home to meet my husband and son. 

Thank you for reading my blog. 

Hello! 

I have meant to write this post for a long time, ever since my friend told me about this little problem she has. My friend broke up with her boyfriend not too long ago and she said that these days she usually sits at home alone in the evening with dinner and a bottle of wine and opens up Facebook. I would say: “Nothing wrong with that in particular.” She goes on: “And THEN, after like the third glass I check on him again. And his new giiiiiirlfriend (high pitched voice while initially rolling her eyes who shortly start tearing up)”. She asked me if I think that this is okay or if she should see a shrink at this point. Well, I guess she is not at her highest point in life. She simply wanted to check what her ex was up to. This is how it all started. Bad breakup I have to add. 

She showed me how she types his name in the search bar on Facebook or even google and clicks Enter. As we check the photos on his profile she starts getting angry initially, later sad, then cries. “Why did he do this to me? Who is this bitch next to him drinking cocktails at ‘our’ bar?” She thought about adding a different Facebook profile of herself and befriend him again. Just to stay in touch. I told her I think it is not the best idea and that she should just let him do his thing. Easier said than done if you are not in her shoes. I also saw that she is “following” him on Facebook without being his “friend”. Technology is so advanced at this point that you cannot hide anything. Everything is public and everyone is able to find out anything they want about you and your little life. I think about this a lot when writing on my website daily. Nowadays it is a lot more difficult to let go of someone because every step can and will be tracked. When does it all become embarrassing for yourself and when is it stalking? 

You see a picture of your ex and his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend and you cannot take it? You follow your ex on Instagram, Twitter, Youtube or whatever other channel is out there and you get even angrier about your life, your current situation or the breakup. You secretly picture your ex posting wedding pictures soon, pictures of his newborn child and honeymoon-fun. You think that your little unimportant life is so messed up and sad at this point. You have no fancy schmancy pictures to share, right? And you start comparing again. And questioning. 

Do you know this little feature on Facebook called “On This Day”? You know this person for ….blabla years? Well, turn all this off. I told my friend to block her ex if it is bothering her that much. And for her own mental sanity to just give up the online stalking. It is tough to erase him/her from your memory – I guess this will never happen. Unless you try what they wanted to accomplish in the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. One of my favorite movies of all times. Try not to constantly get reminded of your ex and stop checking Facebook every five minutes. Stop stalking your ex. It sucks! Everything happened for a reason. While I type this I have the search option on Facebook open and type in my husband’s name. Let’s see what he is up to, let’s see his latest pictures.  Stalking the person you are actually with is okay, hah! I think. 

Do you stalk your ex online? Or even worse, do you stalk your ex’s new crush? I would like to hear your stories. I won’t stalk you. I promise. 

Thank you for reading.