.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Tuesday! 

I was looking forward to the play A Clockwork Orange for a long time. I purchased a ticket weeks ago and waited patiently. Tonight was the night. My mom took care of Petit Joel. I changed, put on some makeup and was out the door. Fast. I arrived nice and early, ordered a light apéritif while reading the PlayBill. Then I looked around and waited. I love to go to the theater to see a play – especially a ballet. Close to showtime, an actor stepped out on the little balcony to announce that the play was cancelled due to power failure, a computer crash and the sound system was down. 

Initially, I was angry and disappointed. Then I thought that everything might happens for a reason. While I drove home again, difficult situations that happened in my life popped in my mind. Usually, whenever something tough happens, or something gets canceled that I have been looking forward to, I reassured myself by saying that everything does happen for a reason; over and over, to simply make it easier for myself to deal with whatever happened. Problems, arguments, death, disasters, tsunamis, earthquakes and whatnot. But while in the car today, I thought that things don’t necessarily need a reason. Things just happen by chance or by accident I believe. I also hear people say that something is “God’s will” and this is the reason why X, Y or Z happen. But in a way, there is this total lack of evidence that this is true. How do we even know if this is God’s will or what God’s will is? I cannot believe that it is God’s will if an earthquake kills thousands of people. Or a baby dies of cancer or something else horrifying. Natural disasters have their reasons – reasons that can be proven and have strong evidence why they happen. 

Does everything happen by chance rather than reason? Does someone get a promotion because they have been at the right place at the right time but they have no clue about the upcoming tasks and responsibilities? And somebody else applied who has all the knowledge but was not invited to the interview. Are certain people just luckier than others? Others have bad luck and fail and it is therefore not their fault? Are certain things so unforeseeable that we call them accidents? Or is everything just inherently unpredictable? A short story comes to my mind:

“There was a farmer whose only horse ran away. On that evening the neighbors gathered to sympathize with him, for surely this was such bad luck. Now your farm will suffer and you will not be able to plow, the neighbors warned the farmer. Such a terrible thing to have happened to you, they said. The farmer said, “maybe yes, maybe no.” The next day the horse returned and brought him six wild horses, and the neighbors came to congratulate him and celebrate his good fortune. Now you are richer than before,they said. Surely now this has turned out to be such a very good thing, for you, after all. The farmer said, “maybe yes, maybe no.” The following day, the son saddled and rode one of the wild horses. He was thrown off the horse and broke his leg. Now the son could not work on the farm. Again the neighbors came to offer their sympathy for such an inconvenient truth. They noted that there was more work than the farmer could handle and surely now he would become poor. Such bad luck, indeed. The farmer said, “maybe yes, maybe no.” The day after that, conscription officers came to the village to take all the young men for the army, but because of his broken leg, the farmer’s son was disallowed. When the neighbors arrived again, they said how very fortunate the farmer was, as things had worked out after all. Knowing well that most young men never return from the war alive, this was the best fortune yet. And the old farmer said, “maybe yes, maybe no.”

I believe that everything just happens randomly without a reason but we can influence certain things a bit. I cannot say if something does happen for either good or bad. It just happens without over-analyzing or thinking too much about it. The play was cancelled tonight. I am a little sad about it because I looked forward to it for a long time. The world won’t come to an end. Rather than spending my energy getting upset, I invest it to figure out how I can still see the play at a different day. And I deal with that and stay calm. 

How do you cope with difficult situations? Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Food for thought. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH4zvlhXTnA

Hello and Happy Saturday! 

For me, confidence means that  it is essential to love myself 100% first. To love myself means spending time with myself alone, uninterrupted. Treating myself to a haircut at this place , meditation, Yoga, going for long walks, endless hours in bookstore and of course accepting myself the way I am. If you don’t love yourself, economy usually profits. You buy tons of stuff that you actually don’t even need. Makeup, creams, lotions and potions to make you look like this and that. To make you feel better, younger, less wrinkles disappear and whatnot. Most often they are expensive but you feel lovely again and at the same time you actually don’t. 

I really learned about mediation, staying calm, loving myself and focusing on the here and now was at SEHES Haus. There I cried for the first time when I listened to my soul. It seems that my relationship to myself is not as happy as I always thought it would be. When Uwe told me to say something nice about myself, I needed to search for words and  realized that I need to do some work. All I heard was critic, deprecation and contempt. The further I dive into getting to know myself I realize that I kind of raped myself over the years. I always felt that I am playing a role in this world. To be funny and entertaining, attractive and whatnot but not because I am here right now but rather because I am a silent observer of my daily imprisonment – this lifetime sentence of weird believes that I lived by for years and thought they would be okay. In my experience and what I have learned as a child is that if you achieve a lot, you receive love.  Also love is the bonus I receive if I am really good at something. So my self love always depended on me being good. Another thing was that I had to make sure that everybody around me is always happy. 

We don’t know how much longer we will be on this planet to enjoy life and this is really the only thing we have for certain. Our biggest treasure. This tiny life we live. Isn’t is crazy that some ask for permission to take care of their own life and take time to enjoy this life? To breath and enjoy life the way you want it to be? 

You know what I do these days? Every morning when I am in the bathroom I look at myself in the mirror and say: “Hi lovely. Good morning!” And it feels good. I smile and think about all the good things in my life. I practice some Yoga poses. Then I meditate a bit. Afterwards I make myself a nice breakfast. It is just a feeling that I want to discover who this person really is who looks back at me through the mirror. I want to figure out my true potential. I am – and only I am, responsible for being happy and living and enjoying life to the fullest. I learn to appreciate the little flaws I have. I am unique. My belly and thighs are good the way they are and I take my time to put some lotion on them after I took a shower. Then I start my day. I don’t know anybody who I would rather spend the day than with myself. Okay, enough with all this talk. Some days this works, other days, not so much. Then I just feel beat down by the world and everything in between and drag myself through the day.

Other days, I remember that it is important to take myself out to dinner. It was awesome to sit at a restaurant just with myself. And if you ever do that, you won’t have to worry if he/she will ever call you again. 

Some people who haven’t seen me in a while tell me that I am glowing and that I look really good and what my secret is? Or if I am in love. “Yes,” I answer. I am in love with myself. Then of course with le husband. Some tips that work for me:  It is important to feel confident on the outside and especially on the inside. It just makes me feel better. Le husband says that it makes me glow, it makes me beautiful. Without putting on tons of makeup and skin creams. Also, I stop comparing myself to others because it just does not get me anywhere. All it does is it makes me miserable. Smiling. Especially at myself in the mirror works. Try it. Then I put on an outfit that makes ME feel comfortable. I look at myself in a positive way, especially when I feel down sometimes. One last important thing that makes me feel comfortable is to never stop learning. Trying new things, reading new books, discovering new authors and making new things usually boosts my confidence. 

How do you boost your confidence? I would love to hear from you. 

Hello and Happy Wednesday! 

Friends of mine and readers ask me a lot how parenting in Germany is different from let’s say parenting in Denmark, Congo or in the US and so many other locations. I will share with you whatever comes to my mind about parenting in Germany and how things work here. Then you can see how different it is to your country and eventually all move here because Germany is awesome for and with kids. My son was born in Canada and shortly after, my husband needed to deploy to Mali with the United Nations. So my parents told me to come home with petit Joel which was so sweet and awesome from them. I love my parents, they are the best! I was born in Germany and know how things work here, but petit Joel is my first child and this is therefore my first experience parenting here. Le husband is currently in transition of changing missions and I am still in Germany, days spent with discoveries and laughter. I cannot complain about my life – besides not being with le husband more often. Sacrifices!  

Let’s start. Germany and it’s winters. Petit Joel, my mom and I arrived in Germany in winter and the first couple of months we almost literally spent inside. There was snow everywhere and it felt cold and icy all the time. New York City winters are different. Okay, we had the occasional snow storm and whatnot, but here in Germany this is just a weekly thing and everything runs smoothly nevertheless. There is hardly a day off of work due to snow. Being stuck inside with a newborn watching the snow was fun in the beginning but then I started missing New York City a bit and some of my friends. I have a lot of friends from childhood who stayed here and have families. But connecting with them again took some time and it wasn’t easy. I left Germany twelve years ago after all. I was very peaceful about the whole thing though. I had my parents help, Skype, Facebook and of course my son’s little smile every day. The area where my parents live is very residential and quiet which is amazing coming from Manhattan. My brother once said, “Can you close the window tomorrow night because tonight it was just so damn loud”. “It was closed all the time, ” I replied. Here it is so quiet that you can literally hear the blood rushing in your ears. Coburg is a peaceful little town with tons of tiny stores and yes, we arrived when the Christmas Market was right around the corner. Even though the weather is not great, the winters are just long, cold and dark (no more daylight after 4pm usually in the winter!) and summers are well – disappointing in some way. Either it is very humid and hot, or it constantly rains with cold evenings. Some nights now I sit outside with a light jacket on. Some summers are awesome and then Germany is the place to be. It is light outside until 10 pm and the air smells nice. No smog. It is great for children. Fun in the snow and outdoor public pools (accessible for everyone!) in summer. 

Healthcare is pretty awesome in Germany. Whenever I needed to see a doctor with Petit Joel we got an appointment pretty quickly. We are covered through le husband’s insurance and it is considered “private” in Germany so we get it all, fast and the best. I remember when my son was 6 weeks old he had a terrible colic. One afternoon I was alone with him and he cried and cried and did not stop. The midwife I had drove us to the hospital because the doctors office was closed already, stayed with me the entire time and drove me back home. In Germany, everyone is entitled to a midwife who makes house visits to check on you and your child for six weeks after birth. Insurance covers this! After six weeks and if you are still not comfortable with your newborn, they come back to help you. It was very helpful with all these crazy mom-hormones I had. 

In Germany women go on maternity leave six weeks before the due date and eight weeks after the delivery at full pay. Then you can take up to 12 months off at 65% pay (sometimes it changes slightly due to your income level). It feels special to be a mother here. You are valued and don’t have to go back to work when your child is five weeks old and drop them off at daycare all day long. Women usually stay home for two years and many up to three years. At this point a day care spot is guaranteed and almost free. There are special kindergartens like Montessori or Outdoor Kindergartens that cost a bit. Not much though! You also have the option of KITA (daycare, if you want to go back to work earlier or a Tagesmusster (Day Mother who takes care of your child at her home They usually take care of  four or five kids on a daily basis). Dad’s get up to five weeks paternity leave. Yes! 

In Germany you get money from the government each months when you have a child. It is called Kindergeld. You get approximately 200 euros/months per child – but it depend on how many children you have. The government wants to help families with this money to buy diapers, toys, food and whatnot. It is not that much but hey, it helps. The government pays this about until your child is 18 years old! 

When it comes to making friends with other mothers in Germany I would say it is not as easy as when I was in the US for example. American mothers are a lot more open, talk more and “mother/child-friendships” develop easier. Here in Germany I realized it is more stiff. Germans are very allergic to insincerity. Many German mothers think they have it all figured out and what they do is key and everyone has to do it their way. At the same time they try not to be too judgmental and are nice. Here it is also key to do what you need to do and if you don’t know it you will figure it out on your own eventually. I have been criticized many times when my son ate daisies because dogs pee on it. 

The playgrounds in Germany are awesome. I have not been to one so far that my son didn’t have a blast. The government really invests in good, safe and secure playgrounds. Most of them are built on sand which is so nice. My son runs around barefoot – the way he is most comfortable. No rubber mats or wood chips like in the US. Close your eyes, take you shoes off as well and it feels a bit like vacation, no? Most of the mothers have shovels and buckets in their strollers when they come to the playgrounds. Even if you don’t bring anything, there are always some toys in the sand. When it comes to toys, Germany has some awesome brands. HABA, HESS, SCHLEICH are the ones that pop in my mind. Today, we actually have been to the HABA store to buy some toys for my sister’s daughter for her upcoming birthday this weekend. Yay! Wooden toys! When it comes to bicycle, everybody tells me that I need one of those push bikes without pedals. Almost every kid has those here. Everybody believes that when you master the balance on one of those things you will be able to ride a bike. Well, my son has the old fashioned one and I am fine with it – and so is he. He has the most amazing fine motor skills ever! I am not listening to all that jazz that is out there. Many are into baby yoga, baby piano lessons, baby guitar lessons and so much more. 

When it comes to food, Germans usually have a hot meal for lunch and a very light, cold meal for dinner. Just some bread, cheese, cucumber and tomatoes and sausages, ham, liverwurst or salami. [With beer!] My son eats a sandwich, with cheese and butter for dinner these days. Dinnertime is called Abendbrot. 

Here in Germany, normally nobody hires a babysitter. Grandparents usually live close by and help out. I recently heard about an agency where you can hire grandma’s for a couple of hours at any time to take care of your kids. It works really well and people do take advantage of it a lot. Usually, “your” grandmother stays with you and your children whenever you need her for years. You need to go to a restaurant or anywhere else and don’t have a babysitter or Oma? People are not offended – even at restaurants. The other day, when I was at The British Corner with my friend they were so nice about my son running around and being with us in the café. People just expect kids to be there. 

Work and life balances out pretty well in Germany. Almost all German employees get about six weeks vacation a year and they mostly work 25-40 hours a week. Usually not more than that and being a workaholic is not something most people strive for. Rather spending time in nature and relaxing with family or friends. Germans value their time at home and many women just work part-time to spend the afternoons with their children. Here it seems people live well, manage to have a lot more time – even though work plays an important role, but not THE most important. 

Do you have more questions about parenting in Germany? Let me know. I would love to hear from you.