Hello and Happy Monday!
Of course he wears his riding helmet like he would rule the streets in Brooklyn but this is where we came from a couple of months ago so he is allowed to put it this way. Plus, it gives him this certain type of coolness. We had a wonderful afternoon today with a friend of mine and her daughter at a horse range. Even though the weather here in Germany is a bit strange these days – rain/sunshine/thunderstorm/humidity/light rain/and back to crazy-ass-rain, but we still went to see these ponies as planned. Needless to say, my son had a blast. Initially, he was careful but after brushing the ponies and feeding them with apples he was good. Good and confident enough to take the leash and walk a bit with it. Then I put him on top. He looked at me like, “Seriously mom? Get me off this thing right now!” But after a couple of minutes he was fine and loved it.
There are just so many things I want to save forever. Special moments like these, that I want to preserve. I usually have at least my phone on me, if not the camera and the phone. And if these very special moments happen, I have this pictures that will remind me one day. Remind me, of this awesome day, this awesome trip and so much more.
Being a minimalist, I don’t keep a bunch of stuff. Like ticket stubs and whatnot. I feel this is just cluttering up everything. I do have a ton of pictures and videos on my computer but this does not really count. As I move through these last couple of days here in Germany, I feel like I want to constantly place yellow post-its on everything to keep it in my memory. To keep it always and never forget how it feels. The other day I looked through old pictures my mom kept nicely stored in photo albums and I saw my sister and I’s doll houses we used to have. It was so sweet to see those and being reminded what a great time we had playing with those. We had so many dreams and a ton of baby stories, mommy and daddy stories and how we will build a nice house with someone and live happily ever after until my little brother took over our “fortresses” because he wanted to conquer. Sometimes I should have listened to him, that this might happen. My view on having a family and children changed throughout the years and all I wanted was see the world, be a student forever and have no commitments really. [Destruction of the Fortress? Thank you my brother! hahah] Until I met my husband. Then things changed.
A huge storm hit this area where we live. It was amazing to observe the horizon and how this blanket of grey and black clouds moved together and slowly but surely towards us. Of course I sat outside to listen to the thunder and watch the lightning. Somehow I got lost in my thinking and thought about how I got back to my parents place. All those turns in our roads that led me back home, back to my home base where all this amazing stuff happened when I was a child. There are just so many possible outcomes and things could all be so different. I am thinking about places I have been, this life I lived in New York, the choices we made becoming pregnant with my son. Simply, you do one thing – and there you are. A different road opened maybe. Different opportunities. Choose another option, there you go. Down another path. But this is my path I have chosen, right here where I am and right here where I should be at this point. I do believe in that. A little tiny turn in anything and things would have been different. Maybe there is a decisions-roadmap, maybe there is not. Who knows.
So while I sat outside with thunder and lighting going full force I cried a tiny bit. I thought how grateful I am for my little life. How unimportant so much stuff is that I try to get my head around on a daily basis. This story we are living that is so awesome, those tiny moments that are actually pretty big. I gave birth to this little man who sat on a pony today and discovered horseback riding. All the things I want him to see, discover, feel and experience and hopefully he will. And thinking all this made me go to a little dark side of my brain. What, if I would die right now? Being struck by lightning or anything else. I would feel that all I have experienced until now was so beautiful that it would be all okay. It would be enough. I don’t want to die obviously because there is just so much more ahead to discover and a whole life to be lived and of course I cannot imagine my son being without me. Or le husband and everybody else. I just think that if I don’t believe in anything after, I have a different outlook on life. This here, right now. And here I am.
So I watched the rain how it cleansed everything off the street. People, thoughts; the way the water rushed over the pavements and streets, cleaned away dirt and the tiny cracks altogether. Then out of a sudden the rain stopped and left this awesome smell in the air. Have you ever took the time to smell this? Fresh rain smell? [Not the car-refresher!] I thought about our kids room where my sister and I played with the doll houses and where my son sleeps peacefully now. I thought about the person I am now, the person I became. Whatever we become, one story folds into the next. One little version of us into another and nobody really knows when they first meet and see us. All they see is this first layer they face. All experiences and memories are hidden inside.
I walked back inside and checked on my son. He was sleeping soundly and peacefully while the last bits of rain ran down the windows. Everything is okay. Mama and Daddy are together, the castle we are building is standing strong and tall and this little girl in the playroom with her dolls smiles at all this luck while she is inside of me, smiling too.
