Artwork Mischa Schenkel
Hello and Happy Thursday!
“If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” Derek Sivers
I have been thinking about relationships lately. There was just too much going on with some of my friends lately that left me puzzled at the end of the day, wondering if this is all really happening. First of all, no relationship is perfect. Everybody deals with something odd in one way or the other. The thing I don’t get my head around is why anybody would ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? Just let this sink in for a minute. I think that there is just this grey area in dating and one person has just stronger feelings than the other. Sort of like, should you persistently ask the woman out if she seems cold towards you, doesn’t answer calls or messages and whatnot or just leaves everything ambiguous. A friend asked me the other day what I think it means when the guy she is dating is soooooo nice to her when they are together but he is usually never around to see her and spend time with her. Well, honestly, ASK him why he is not spending more time with you. Another friend [
my husband says I have a lot of weird friends,mmmmm!] told me that she is getting advice from a dating website and they tell you what you need to wear to get the guy you want or what to write to him. They just analyze everything instead of just looking sharply and with an open mind to what they are working with here. He is not calling you? Well…. he might be busy. He usually calls you at this and that time? Maybe something happened, maybe he/she is stuck at work. He/she did not call you in four days and he says he/she loves you, there is something fishy about it all. If I am in love with someone, I want to BE with the person, or know what is up with him/her. I show interest. How his/her day was. He/she did not call in four days, there is also an option that he/she might be kidnapped by aliens who try sexual experiments on him.
I have been through a lot of “relationship garbage” myself. From I think I can change him to I don’t mind if he is drunk every night to I will get a divorce, I promise, I heard it all. [If you read my blog, dear ex-boyfriends, you know what “category” you fall under ;)] I realized that all this game-playing, manipulating and drama leads to nothing – and if you really think about it, you know it, too. I have read the book The Rules by Ellen Fein which is just a bunch of garbage but I thought “this is how it all works” when I was 20 years-old. “You have to wait three days before you call him back; you never call him back after you had sex with him and if he does not call you back he is not interested and so much more.” Really? Where does it all get you? Sitting next to the phone, waiting for his/her message or phone call? Where does it all go from there? Is this the path you need to take?
I might sound clever and like a wiseass but I have been through some let’s say “classic mistakes” even several times and I know what I am talking about here. Why do some of my friends make all these efforts to get someone to love them or get someone convinced that they are the one if the person does not want to be with them in the first place? You don’t need to change a person. You take the person as she/he is. This is the person you fall in love with initially. And if he wears a hoodie and jeans all the time, drinks and hangs out in bars all the time he won’t likely put on an Armani Suit and take you out to Carnegie Hall. First, You should ask yourself what it says about you if you want to change someone or convince someone to love you. Do you respect yourself? Do you love yourself? Then, would you buy this dog who bites you all the time? Would you continuously try to go out with a friend who cancels coffee-dates? Do you want to be with someone who promises you not to drink anymore because he knows he has a problem but he continues to drink? Then beats you up after an argument because he is drunk and all this while your child is in your arms? No, right? Common sense. If you want to be beaten up by him because you think it is awesome or he might change, then of course stay. But when a child is involved, you should think again I believe.
“But maybe he changes?” Stop it and end all the headaches! All the wishing and hoping; again, you only have this one shot in life. Just end all the disappointments, hate and anger and move on if you don’t feel comfortable. There will be a way. There always is. Someone told me that she cannot see herself raising two kids on her own when she would leave her cheating husband so she rather stays and hopes that he will change and stops cheating on her. Become the rejector, not the rejected, my dear. Another person that crossed my path is with someone because nothing better was around. So she just kills some time until she finds Mr. Right. Good luck! Rather work on establishing some self-respect or self-love. Then you won’t be with people who drain your energy and make you feel bad. Seriously, it is that simple. If you know who you are and what you really want, you won’t fall into dumbass-traps. You won’t fall for guys who treat you really nicely and then just don’t call anymore because they are busy. Or the person goes to the toilet at the reception desk and not in the hotel room you both booked, to take a little hit of cocaine up the nose because you might find out that he is a drug addict. Sweet guys who treat you really well and out of the blue stop doing so – alarm, there is something wrong. I learned that it is not the person that has to show me how cool they are; it is my job to look for something cool in the person.
Lastly, the one more dating/relationship advice I can give is that whoever you are, woman, men, straight, gay, trans, whatever, it is all about self improvement. You cannot make anyone love you or stay with you through performances, tools, acceptances of crazy shit they did and you think they might change. They might sleep with you one more time; if that, or let you place your hand on his chest while they turn the other direction as soon as it gets too uncomfortable. The only thing you will win here is a tiny battle of long-term unhappiness.