.SOMETIMES RAW.

A little history about Croque Monsieur first (Again, I am married to a Frenchi): 

Croque-Monsieur was originally a melted cheese and ham sandwich sautéed in butter. Eventually other Parisian cafés began  serving their own vearsions to the point where the sandwich evolved to the way it is served today, with a topping of béchamel sauce, grated cheese, then run under the broiler until bubbly and golden. The croque-madame is a variation of croque- monsieur which features a fried egg on top. Croque means “bite” according to my husband, so it is also important for the bread to be crunchy while the inside is oozy with melted cheese.

What you need: Saucepan, Toaster, Baking sheet, skillet

How to make it: 

4 tablespoons (60g) butter

4 tablespoons (30g) flour

1 cup (240ml) milk

2 teaspoons Dijon mustard

2 dashes ground nutmeg

8 slices sandwich bread

4 slices ham

3 cups (300g) Gruyère cheese

4 large eggs, room temperature

Preparation: 

Preheat oven to 450 F (230 C)

Cooking:

In the saucepan, melt the butter, add the flour and whisk well. Slowly whisk in milk and cook until thickened. Whisk in mustard and nutmeg. Set aside. Lightly toast the bread in the toaster. Place 4 slices on the baking sheet. Spread a little sauce on the slices and  top with a piece of ham . Place 1/2 cup (50g) cheese on each slice of ham then top with the remaining slices of bread.

Evenly divide the rest of the sauce over the top of the sandwich, add the remaining cheese, and bake for 5 minutes. While the sandwiches are baking, fry the eggs in the skillet (this is for the Croque Madame only).

Turn off the oven and preheat the broiler. Run the sandwiches under the broiler until they are bubbly and slightly browned. Top each with a fried egg and serve hot. (Crocque Madame)

Ideas and substitutions: 

Serve the sandwiches with  simple green salad for a light lunch or dinner. Tonight I added  a little Caprese Salad (mozzarella, tomatoes, basil with vinegar, oil, salt and pepper).

Optional additions to béchamel sauce: finely chopped onion, fresh tarragon, or parsley.

Bon appétit.

“The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it – basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.” – Charles Bukowski

As a Bukowski-fan I have to write a review about the latest book that has been published by him. If you have never heard or read anything by Bukowski I want to give you a little insight first. Henry Charles Bukowski (1920-1994) was a German-born (yay!) American novelist and poet. He has written many short stories as well. He moved to Los Angeles at a young age and his later work was strongly influenced by the economy and culture in his surroundings. Throughout his books there is this line of poor ordinary Americans, alcohol, drugs, writing and a plethora of relationships with women. [In his book “Post Office” he describes the drudgery of his work as Hank Chinaski at a post office. (my favorite book by him so far – “Pickle Factory!”)].  He died of leukemia 1994 in San Pedro, California.

I gave my mom one of Bukowski’s books to read once. She read the first 10 pages and put it down with disgust. Bukowski has just an acquired taste to his stories – mostly short stories, very pornographic pieces and very shocking details at points. I have to admit that it made me uncomfortable at points as well reading his books – simply because of all the alcoholics, all his drinking which is a lot (like he was drunk 99%  of the day and while writing basically), adultery, gambling and just simply “hanging- around -doing nothing- lifestyle”.

In “The Bells Tolls for No One” he meets women or characters who come with no backstories really. They just pop into his life in a bar usually, get wasted with him and talk for hours while he writes things down that he might need at some point for a story. And of course he drinks and drinks and drinks with all of them.  Most of his “friends” are motivated by alcohol, drugs, unhappiness, boredom and just craziness. Reading Bukowski gives a great insight on how the hardcore drinking life in the suburbs was like (and most likely still is). He has this unique style of describing sexual violence like you are having tea with a friend at home. Like okay, this is normal. It just happens. Then in the next minute he is totally honest and captivates observations that are just not blurred by alcohol and drugs. (the remaining 1% I guess)

Reading Bukowski in public is awesome. People who know Bukowski will comment when they see you with one of his books somewhere. When I read “Post office” I took the book with me wherever I went to just finish it. So one day in the elevator at work there was a man looking at me, then at the book, then back at me. He smiled and said: “I love Bukowski. I read all of his books. He is amazing.” I wanted to ask him what he loved so much about him but the elevator door closed. I can imagine what it was.  I guess people have specific opinions on Mr. Bukowski and all his writings. He is just a “dirty old man” as many of his readers call him with just a little mix of Ernest Hemingway’s style of writing.

Get ready for some humor, relationship troubles, booze, drugs and sex. Lots of sex! There is this repetitiveness  – almost like all the Bukowski books are in a way the same but each and every one is just unique and a little special and a tiny bit different. When I started reading the book I thought it was just great how he switches between fantasy, drunkenness  and reality. I was wondering throughout the entire book how it is possible to find true meaning in life with a lifestyle like his. How can one comfortably live like this and be happy or enjoy life?

In “The Bells Tolls for No One” only two stories have not been published previously. “A Kind Understand Face,” and “Flying Is the Safest Way to Travel.” All the others ones have been published in one of his more than forty-five books! This book is published by “City Lights” and edited by David Stephen Calonne who did a great job with all the little cartoon throughout the book as well as the introduction.

Great read overall and shocking but comfortably awesome.

Happy reading!

“Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.”  – Buddha

So, my husband and I had this discussion after dinner tonight. I needed to print something and he said the printer is not working and he will take a look at it. I said: “Okay, I bring the baby to bed and then I would like to print something later”. When I came back down he sat in the kitchen and  I asked him if I can print. He said: “You can print as much as you want!” (not raising his tone or anything like it). I assumed he was sarcastic and angry for whatever reason because the way I simply perceived it. To me it sounded and felt sarcastic. We had an argument about it for half an hour. He said he was not angry, mad or sarcastic at all. 

What I did was I created in a couple of seconds several versions on how he meant what he just said. Is he angry? Bored? Does he think I am stupid for asking this question? My mind simply traveled from one scenario to the next and I started to feel anger. Almost like this little voice inside me said that I am doing it again. I am making up stories in my head. My imagination is just crazy sometimes. (Hello, Jean!) I mean we all do create stories but some of them make my life really miserable for  no reason.

I am certainly not a pro if I write posts on “change”, “self-acceptance” or “balance” for example. I am writing about these things because either I am struggling with them or I am working to improve myself through writing these things down and applying them on a daily basis. I have to say that I am a pro in assuming the worst usually all the time. It is just ridiculous sometimes. There were many times when I assumed a friend just hates me and ignored me on purpose and did not call or write back until I realized that I did send the email to the wrong person. Instantly assuming the worst.

Or I look at people and if they do not fit in a certain category that I feel comfortable with I assume they will hurt me, steal from me and assault me or even rape and kill me. All this particular person wanted from me that time was to know the way to the next pharmacy.

There are even times in my life when everything was falling into place just perfectly fine and instead of being happy and enjoying the moment I assumed and wondered what will happen next because life can’t just be that perfect. Something has to happen, no? I bought this book to get an idea how the unconscious or subconscious mind works. All the stories in our heads have been somewhat programmed since the moment of conception according to the book. I just started reading it so I do not get all technical here on how the brain works ha! It just matters that we do make our own reality.  We basically do not know if the mind is playing tricks or if we judge correctly. Simple as that. Damn… I thought there was a different answer. Something easier!

So this is what I am working on these days. Again, I am not a professional in these things. Far from it. I just try to have uplifting thoughts. I try to  figure out why I have these negative thought right in the moment they pop up. Then I question the validity and the origin of the thought. I work on replacing negative stories with positive ones. So the guy who approached me and looked like a homeless person had good intentions. I do not assume right away he is going to kill me. The key for me is to associate with positive people. And even though my husband is the most positive person I know – sometimes I still assume things. Yes, I am weird – but human. Nobody is perfect. If anybody in my life is trying to feed negative thoughts to my mind I just send them away or I leave. I have no time for negative people. I have enough work to do with my own self.

I know that I have to stop assuming things, especially when it comes to the people who love me and are very important in my life. It takes practice and a lot of attention. I read a quote once but forgot who said it. Here it is: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”