.SOMETIMES RAW.

I have to start by explaining my love/hate relationship with this beautiful city of New York before I review this book. My mom told me if I pass a certain exam in High school she is taking me on a trip to New York to go shopping. I studied like there is no tomorrow because c’moooon. New York!!!! Of course I passed and we were on the plane with my best friend Veronika and her parents to discover New York. It was just for one week that I was able to enjoy the craziness of “the city that never sleeps” and we did it all – walking the entire day, Broadway, Musical, Times Square you name it. On the way back to the airport I was crying. On the plane I told my mom: “Mom, I swear to you, I will be back!” She just replied:  “Yeah yeah…. let’s see!”

Eight years later I was back. Just 23 years old and on my journey to discover the good and bad of the U.S. and of course especially New York. I have watched all episodes of “Sex and the City” and all the re-runs and I believed this is all true. Like Carry writing her column for this newspaper and can afford her apartment on the upper east side. I know now that this is just not happening – you live and learn, simple as that! I was young and discovered everything and it was all good.

I moved from New Jersey back to Manhattan, just across from the United Nations and it was the best. I walked to all the museums, all the musicals, Times Square, Central Park – I discovered everything over and over again.

Then I left New York. First I moved to Connecticut and then to Germany for a while. And this is when I started missing New York. Saying Goodbye to all that…. but missing it so much. I am back in the States now and visited my godmother yesterday and  spent a lot of time in New York and I loved it. All the memories, everything came back at once while walking downtown on Park Avenue. While in Germany I read this book “Goodbye to all that by “ Sari Botton and many other Contributors. It was just exactly what I needed when I missed NY the most. Many of the authors in this book (all short stories) left New York mostly out of bittersweet reasons – rent prices, that it just not all glitz and glamour, and that the American Dream usually means working 2-3 jobs to get by. The essays range from good to great and once you start reading the book – especially if you have left this crazy city of Manhattan you will try to think of ways to maybe come back and do it all over again.

As I type all this here this is what I thought  when I read this book. I have to go back and I have to write my own New York story at some point. How I experienced it, the smell, the air, the colors, the people, the craziness and insanity and this feeling that I just cannot let go of it all. While reading this book I felt I was part of it again even though far away. And I heard myself saying that I have to do something about what the authors said to let them know that this is either exactly as they have written or how I experienced it differently because I have been to exactly the same places.

While I lived in Manhattan I made New York my life. I was rushing around, heading from A to B grabbing a coffee on the go, no time to even enjoy it while I burnt my mouth drinking it. Usually I ran to school with this cup of Jo in my hand- all the way to the upper west side. 🙂

New York City is crazy. To hear stories form anyone who knew this city from birth through all the stages, incarnations and changes is just amazing. The strip clubs on 42nd street that are now showing “The Lion King” and from a city that was close to being bankrupt at some point to this dizzying growth in personal and of course corporate growth and wealth – all these changes you see and can still somewhat imagine at points while you walk by the homeless person begging for some money for a meal. Struggling artists, actors, some who made it some who did not – same for writers. Everything is possible here anytime, anytime which is so great and so scary at the same time.

I read these insightful and somewhat wonderful and affecting essays and it was an enjoyable reading experience. You love this city? You miss this city? You want to visit this city? Read this book.

Yesterday I have been to my favorite book store. Yes, STRAND bookstore in NYC.

I found these two books. Book reviews will follow very soon. 🙂

Happy reading.

Hello! 

“Health is not valued till sickness comes.”  – Thomas Fuller

This is the music I am listing to while writing this. I am in love with it ever since my husband listened to it in the car on our way to Canada. My days are filled with change – constant change. Even though it is better now that I am in Germany, but the future is uncertain. The future is mostly uncertain – but with my family these days it is different.  We do not come home at night and have dinner together, let’s say. However, we all do have to keep in mind that no matter how awesome a plan for the future may look – it could all change in one second. We do hear stories of someone going to the doctor for a routine check-up and leaves with the most horrible news. 

I would consider my lifestyle as healthy. I could exercise more of course – I could eat healthier, but guess what? I feel okay this way.  I believe that being healthy is just tied into everything else. I am writing about this because I try to stay positive and focus on solely on my husband since he told me he is not feeling well. Currently, he is working in Kinshasa/Congo for the United Nations. Previously, he worked in Bamako and Gao/Mali. Yep, crazy, I know. Jokingly, upon his departure, we gave each other “the promise” that we won’t let anything happen to us while we are apart. He did not feel 100% himself since Mali actually, but just carried on – he is very strong. How long can you “go on”? Only to a certain extend. At some point, the body tells you to stop and slow down. Last year in July I was a little worried how he looked when he picked us up at the airport in Paris. Not scared or anything – just surprised that he looked pale and just not the way I remembered him. I know my husband and when he admits not feeling well, he really must feel horrible. 

To know that he is there and I am here has given me a whole new outlook on life. I have so much time to think and sit and miss him, you know. It is so different to have a relationship like mine. If your partner would be home in the afternoon every day and you could make him a hot soup and a cup of tea if he is not feeling well seems is just not possible for us these days. I think that we do put so much importance in useless stuff or worry about things we cannot change. I close my eyes for a bit and my husband’s face pop’s up. We are indeed very close – even though we are so many miles apart. He really is my best friend and I want him to feel good. I want him to be healthy. I am able to talk and share things with him for so long now and we created this special bond that I don’t want to miss anymore. He is dealing with my bitching (Hello, I am a woman!) sometimes and did not lose his mind yet. Isn’t it sad that we only really wake up, once something bad happens? Do we only pay attention to the love around us when times get rough? To realize that health and family are so important is key. Also, all this negativity is a waste of time and pointless. I keep in mind to treat every days as it would be my last. And my husband will be fine. I know he will! 

Je t’aime mon amour.

Thank you for reading my blog. 

So I have this new project that I will include in this blog. I will start “The Book Review”.  I think by now it is obvious that I love to read. I mean, LOVE to read – if I could I would read all day long probably. If I am not reading for myself I am reading to my son and he is into book already which I think is great. He is not even two years old. On an average I read two to three books a week. Yes, I do find the time to do it because I love it. The idea is, that I write about at least one of the books I have read during the week and review it. These days I am into Joan Didion. It all started with the book “Slouching towards Bethlehem” that I really enjoy. Today I want to review her book “The white Album Essays”.

With this book, as well as “Slouching towards Bethlehem” it is all the same. I did not love the book at first but once I started reading a couple of pages it somewhat started to grow on me and I was hooked. “The White Album” is a collection of events and narratives that occurred in the 60’s and 70’s and examines the lives of infamous and famous places and people. To name a few: Doris Lessing, Georgia O’Keeffe, Charles Manson, the Hoover Dam and many others).

I love that Didion gives just thoughtful and candid bits and pieces of a time that has past and many things that are just unique to California. I like how she describes how life was back then because she makes all her essays very personal and almost mundane. I have never been to San Francisco so this book is kind of a tribute to a place and time I know almost nothing about. I wish I could turn back time and just be there in the 60’s with her. I have to admit that I was not interested in all the subjects she was writing about but all her articles kept me captivated for some reason. It is just this awesome style of writing she has. Some great writers just have this skill to make any topic awesome or keep the reader interested and make them read on. Even though you have this feeling … yeah… this is not really what I usually read. Well, with her essays you are just caught in this loop of awesomeness and keep on reading if you like it or not.

Most of the essays I enjoyed the most are found on Chapter IV – Sojourns. Here “In Bed” I loved when she wrote how she had been doing while trying to easy the massive migraine she suffered from.

“And once it comes, not that I am wise in its ways, I no longer fight it. I lie down and let it happen. At first ever small apprehension  is magnified, every anxiety a pounding terror. Then the pain comes, and I concentrate only on that. Right there is the usefulness of migraine , there is that imposed yoga, the concentration of pain. … The migraine has has acted as a circuit breaker and the fuses have merged intact. There is a pleasant convalescent euphoria. I open the windows and feel the air, eat gratefully, sleep well. I notice the particular nature of a flower in a glass on the stair landing. I count my blessings”. 

I believe her essays are very personal and sharply observed. In her first essay she describes her pervasive sense of detachment that she felt constantly from this world. Well, I believe she was in a very fragile mental state when she wrote most of her essays in this book and even some others. In the other essays she writes more clearly and let’s say more put together. Didion herself stated many times that she puts personal issues into some of her essays; however, I feel it is courageous for her to reveal herself this way.

It is just a great read overall and was challenging for me at points because English is not my first language. I had to look some words up which is fine. If you read any of her books let me know your thoughts.