.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you until we meet again.” – Jean-Joseph Henry [my husband says this all the time so it is kind of his quote]

I think it is normal to be homesick. Especially if your family is as awesome as mine and you have been away for quite some time now.  Here in the U.S. anything that reminds me of home triggers a little flash of homesickness. Yesterday I got some errands done with my son and we drove by a huge billboard that invited to the annual Oktoberfest here in Connecticut. Instantly I felt a little sad thinking about my family, the food, the people, the real Oktoberfest in Munich that starts soon. I was so fortunate to have spent a huge amount of time in Germany when my son was a baby and I can say that it was one of the best experiences I have had. Having been away for almost ten years and only visiting my family once or twice a year (and I consider myself very lucky on that one as well) it was great to actually live there again. To be back there and be able to enjoy all the goods and bads. This feeling of joy and comfort being around my entire family was the best.  To see all my good friends again after all this time was great too. (Hello Judith and Kirsten!) It is so much better to meet in real life even though we all have been in touch via Facebook, email and many other tools but you know what I am trying to say here. There is nothing like hugging an old friend at the Christmas Market in Coburg and crying your eyes out. 😀 Classic! In this world where everything is just so fast-paced you isolate yourself very quickly and end up losing touch to certain people if you do not work on it.

When it was time to say goodbye to my parents on July 10th I was overcome with this huge feeling of sadness. The way we said goodbye was different this time. Not like “Valley of Tears” (Frankfurt Airport) kind of crazy. It was calmer but made my heart hurt all the same. It is natural that we get older and everybody needs to go on their separate paths at some point. I cannot live with my parents for the rest of my life. I had to leave my “home-base” behind. So it is all back to good old Skype and FaceTime and tons of phone calls because I love to stay informed and connected to them and like to hear about their life, their stories, especially any major changes they go through.

This is life. We all make decisions to move in another direction – sometimes even drastically when I moved to New York. I am happy however that my family always supported me and helped me out when I needed them the most. I also know that no matter what happens, my family will always be there for me.

It does not matter where you go in the world as long as you are happy and you love the people you are with. Home is where your heart is, right? It sounds cheesy when I say I go wherever my husband goes but it is true. We will be going to Congo next and I think about it as a great opportunity as well to explore and learn new things. Has it all been worth it? Of course! Has it all been easy? Of course not! But life is not easy, especially if you think you have it all figured out and you found yourself a little routine then life throws you another curveball.

So how do I deal with my homesickness? Well, I consider myself really lucky to have my family in Germany, all alive and healthy. I can talk to them, see them and be with them. They are basically one plane ride away and I have to keep this in mind. I appreciate that I can travel and discover so many things here. And I always have to keep in mind that I chose to leave. The good part about traveling the world is to see and explore and to sort of let go of the past. When I get really really homesick I call my mom. I call her at least once a week (or emails, Skype messages etc.) and this way it is all good. I am up to date on everything, I love talking to her and we usually talk for three hours. Hab dich lieb Mama! <3  She could send me some of her world-best chicken noodle soups once in a while though. <3

You never know where life will take you. If you have been reading my blog from the beginning you know I am the perfect example. It is important to make the right choices for ourselves and go with the flow. To see things in a positive perspective and just don’t be afraid of change. You might miss out on some awesome experiences.

The last couple of days were just crazy. I knew my husband is about to leave and everything was just crammed into each hour of the day. Now he left and I am alone with my son trying to get everything done and still grow and to watch everything else around me grow and picturing the future. I found it hard the first day to find a sense of accomplishment of some sort. It seemed to me like if all this waiting for my husband to return or trying to fill this time with productive things is turning the day into a blur and these blurry days keep flying by. Well, things changed by now.

It is September now. The “ber” months started which is usually an indication for me that winter is not that far away. September is usually the most beautiful month in New York City so we will definitely be all around town next week for sure to enjoy it. [Kind of like trying to make the best out of every situation in life]

All my friends who’s husbands serve on a mission somewhere told me that single parenting is hell. “You are alone all day long and the worst is if you do not have family around to support you”. I think it is okay to put my life on hold of some sort and just be there for my son in this situation. I also have been told me that my days would be “chaotic, that I cannot event take a shower in the morning and that I should cherish every moment in solitude”. To clarify things: I am fine. We are fine. Motherhood is a challenge but my son is just so awesome. Since my husband left it seems like he is the boss in this house without being annoying. He is so easy to handle. Easier than before because I am the only person around to guide and teach him.  The days go by so smoothly and I love it. I cherish every moment with him these days – I enjoy it because I know it all goes by so fast. We are like best buddies of some sort.

I take him to the park or to the community garden next door and we go for walks. Library, book stores… it is all good. It is just amazing how easy things are if you just have a positive attitude and a loving partner even far away.  But we know he is HERE so it is all good. People usually warn you about the bad but forget to tell you about the good.

I keep in mind that I have been born to move mountains. As it always has done – everything in my life will fall into its place. I will find my balance. We will find our balance and these fall months that I am alone now with the leaves (and feathers) changing I know this all will be remembered as a great challenge that this family of mine overcame.

I found a Dr. Seuss book in my son’s little book collection last night. This quote was the last thing I read to him before he fell asleep peacefully, curled up with his teddy.

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! Kid, you’ll move mountains.”

“The city seen from the Queensboro Bridge is always the city seen for the first time, in its first wild promise of all the mystery and beauty in the world.” –  F. Scott Fitzgerald

Okay, I have to admit it. I love New York. I wanted to move to New York City since I have started watching Sex and the City which was in roughly 1998. In 1996 my mom took me to New York to go shopping because I passed my final exams in High school. The seed had been planted. I finished High school and joined the police but in the back of my mind was always New York. I loved this city more than anything. I wanted to go back there, succeed there and make a living. And I did in 2005. I passed the exams to join the United Nations in New York. Finally the city was mine. I did it all, believe me. Times Square, all the museums you can find recommended  in the  “TimesOutNewYork” magazine I visited.

I spent days in Central Park. Walked the entire City of Manhattan and discovered new things every single day. It is this love/hate relationship that I have with New York. Kind of like you cannot live with it but you cannot live without it. And as soon as I am not in New York I do miss it like crazy. Weird, I know. The book I am reviewing here is in several respects to its predecessor “Goodbye to All That: Writers on Loving and Leaving New York”. It speaks to readers who live, are living or have left New York City.

“Never can say goodbye”focuses more on writers and artists who have made NYC their home no matter what. Or  readers who have just spent some time here – like on vacation. These are the people who will enjoy this book the most.

Here are some good quotes from the book I want to share: 

“New York is a city where there are always a million exciting things to do at any given moment, and a million other people who are doing them at the exact same moment as you are. That hot new play? Already sold out. That enticing MoMA exhibit? At last report, the wait is over twelve hours. How about something simple, like a blanket, a bottle of wine, and a nightfall screening of Paper Moon in Bryant Park? Sure, if you don’t mind homesteading a coffin-sized plot of grass at around four in the afternoon, then fending off claim jumpers for the next five hours until sundown. That’s assuming, of course, you have any time left over to do any of this when you’re not either working or drinking to work off the edge from the working or trying to do regular-life kinds of stuff like buying groceries and picking up dry cleaning.”   -Adam Sternbergh

This is also true:

“People often mistake New Yorkers for rude and mean, but they’re really just no-nonsense and efficient. They don’t have time, regularly, to be warm and friendly with everyone who crosses their path. Nothing would ever get done. But when the chips are down, when it matters, they drop their cool exteriors and become unabashedly human.” -Sari Botton

Overall this is an entertaining collection of stories about the city that never sleeps. A great variety of writers address one of the most interesting places on earth. I read this book form front to cover in just about two days and I highly recommend it for any New York City lover.

Thank you for reading.