.SOMETIMES RAW.

Okay, I am clearly not an artist but you can see the wine bottle on the table. Hah! I was eight years old. 

Hello and Happy Tuesday!

I just came home after an awesome afternoon/evening spent with my godmother. An evening filled with books and bookstores, Aperitifs, Dinner and hours of talks and it was all good for my soul. Then I came home. My parent’s home and a home for Petit Joel and I for the last 2 1/2 years. Home is where your heart is and for me a place to return to – a place to escape. My home-base to recover and soak-in some energy. 

These last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about home. Maybe because of our upcoming trip/move/discovery to Canada soon, maybe because I spent so much time here in Germany – the home I grew up in. This home that shaped me as a child – and even now at points, made me happy, made me sad occasionally but was/is always full of love. Now it is time to move on and discover new things. I am leaving with one happy and one sad eye. I know it is all good and has to happen this way. I know I cannot live with my parents forever – I don’t want it and they don’t want it. However, I never felt bad moving back in with my parents because I knew in a way that it was all temporarily and good.

I am happy that both of my parents are healthy and alive and I am able to see them, speak to them and visit them anytime I want. In a way, they are just a seven hour plane ride away. There is Skype, FaceTime and whatnot. It was nice being here and spending time with my mom and dad but I also know that they want/need their own space again and have time solely to themselves without Petit Joel (or me) interrupting them in any way. 

I overheard an interesting conversation my mom had with a friend the other day about grandchildren. The woman said that it is nice when her daughter comes over with her son here and there but sometimes it just sucks. It sucks because she has a life too. She planned things and now here is her daughter with the baby. Yay, stop everything else (your own life) and spend time with the baby. This made me realize what my mother did for me. How much she gave up of her own life to make us feel comfortable and happy. How much she shared of her home with us and modified everything so it is safe for my son. I am so grateful to have my parents and I thank them every single day for what they have done for us. When my mom said, “Come and live in Germany with us”, and Petit Joel was only five weeks old I felt like crying. 

I was lucky enough to have had this transition that made life for me so easy. And maybe also for my son. He grew up with his grandparents and is loved every single day. I am looking back at my old life in NYC and how things were and I miss it sometimes. I miss it a lot today since talking to my godmother who lives there as well. NYC is special, it has its charm but I would have been overwhelmed living there when my son was a newborn. So it all worked out really well. I don’t say goodbye to this old life or anything like it. I am just moving on. Who knows what will be around the next corner and where I will be next year around this time. I just know that I will start my studies, Petit Joel will join a Montessori Kindergarten and it will be all okay. I will of course miss what was and be sad about not being around my parents anymore or certain things that I no longer have and are available to me but I will figure out something else and new.

I always have a hard time saying goodbye or calling anything “the end”. It somehow bothers me but I learned to let go and simple move forward. There is so much to explore out there, so much new – and if this does not work out, I try something else. Goodbyes are a part of life, but also area Hello! So wipe away those tears, pack my suitcases and move on. The time is right. I feel it. Gone is the longing to stay. Instead I feel happy. Germany is my home base. It hopefully will be here for a long time. Some places are magical. My parents place is! Right here at home. 

Hello and Happy Saturday! 

“Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to be truly affected by things.”

Love is the only real life purpose and the only thing that should really matter, I reckon. This afternoon my father, brother, his girlfriend and I went to the movies and saw Independence Day 2. Pretty good and entertaining – but we liked the first one better. To see my brother and Nadine together is so sweet. To love, to be love and to give love. Love has many interpretations and can mean so many different things. Isn’t love what makes the world go round? Isn’t it, that if there is no love, there is just sadness? I believe that at the end of the day, this is all we seek. I am lucky to have found the one to be happy with, to hold his hand in the movie theater and want to spent my life with. 

I think that deep inside, everybody would love to experience this. Unconditional love. It is beautiful to see it, however. To have seen both today so open, tender and in love makes me happy. 

Walking around and being love, thinking about le husband and missing him deeply from my heart, observing others smiling, seeing the sunshine and being happy to have had a perfect healthy day is so beautiful. Nothing else matters to me.  It feels good. It is what keeps me going. 

Hello and Happy Wednesday! 

I wrote with a Facebook friend the other day and the word “motivation” popped into my head after. He asked me how it is possible to write every single day and how I find time to do so. Well, I just take the time. Obviously, it is not that easy with an almost three year-old toddler but it is manageable. It will also try my best to write daily posts while traveling in August and while studying in September. I cannot promise that it will be daily, but again, I will do my best. Simply because I love it so much. It makes me happy every single day to type along – either here, or while working on my book. I have this attitude with pretty much everything in my life. Whatever I want to do something, I do not waste time and start it. 

We have all been at this point in our life when some big project is around the corner and instead of starting it, you delete your “friends” on Facebook, defrost the fridge, clean your closet, write your grandmother a letter, think about going to the gym but the couch is so damn comfy and so much more fun stuff. I remember when I studied for the Bachelor finals and waited until the last night to cram everything into my brain. Not working! I clearly remember this aggressively blinking cursor whenever a paper was due next day. This is life.  I learned from my previous mistakes. Not all of them, but many. When I had a lot going on it was really tough. I usually worked 8-4 – 40 hours a week and I went to college full-time on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday for 4 years. How did I do it all? Honestly,  I had no friends anymore; sometimes I did not know if it was day or night. But I went through it. I stayed motivated for all those 4! years of college. There were many days when I wanted to quit but I kept going. I rested whenever possible, but I also partied (not much) and I especially took care of myself. For example, whenever I came back home from school on Saturday, I chilled. I took my time walking back home, bought coffee, went to a bookstore, had dinner at a restaurant that looked nice and that I discovered on my way back home – cool NYC- moments, you know. I watched a movie in the evening, read, had my glass or (three) of wine and was up bright and early on Sunday to get all my assignments done and study. I balanced it out nicely. 

There were times when I wanted to bury my head in the sand but I stayed motivated because I thought about the result in the end. How I will end up with my degree, the learning experience, the road I traveled to get it all accomplished, professors who were awesome and of course spring break, summer break, school holidays and all the other breaks. What we should not do, however, is keeping our head in the sand and to pretend it is not happening – or being irresponsible of what is going on. If you go through life like this you won’t ever see progression in the work you do or more importantly in yourself. 

Here are some tips how I dealt with working full-time and college for four years. These can also be applied to really anything else in life. 

Always find some stress free, quiet time to zone out. Music, a glass of wine, walking to school with great music on my iPod back then and find a routine that works well for you. On my break, I went out for lunch, sat in the park and chilled. When I came home from school, I made myself a cup of tea and since le husband came into my life, a hot crepe with cheese was waiting for me and the tea had been replaced by a glass of wine before I worked on one or two more assignments until late at night at times. 

Be prepared. I sometimes set my breakfast table in the evening so I have more time in the morning to read something for school or work. It is mostly just a matter of taking actions to make your life easier in a stressful time. By maximizing my time in the morning, when I am most creative, I get things done. Even these days, I work on my blog, book, read, research and get tons done before my son wakes up. Putting off things for later in the day usually never works for me and I even end up not doing X, Y and Z because of X, Y and Z. I got a planner/journal and put everything I needed to take care of, study or prepare in it so I was up to date with all my assignments and papers. A nice journal kept me motivated even more. And a nice pen or pencil. Also pencil sharpener and smelling pencils after I sharpened them. I am weird, I know. [My good friend and colleague at work got me an electric pencil sharpener and I was the happiest ever for months! Thank you KENNY!]

Simply do it. As I told my friend, this is how I do it. I sit down and write. Be motivated and committed. This applies to whatever it is you are doing. Running, writing, drawing, school. cooking, dancing….. do it! That is really all it takes. If you start with 30 minutes of anything you need to do every single day, you will get into the groove and establish a productive habit. I also seek inspiration and am open to new things. Here I am not talking about being on Pinterest for hours or on Instagram. There is inspiration everywhere else. I go to a museum, meet a friend, a new café, a new restaurant, gallery, library or search some cooking websites. Experiencing something fresh and new always does magic for me and I get creative. It breaks my routine (which is fine!) and lifts my spirits. 

I had an interesting conversation with another student once. He sat next to me and told me that he cannot wait to graduate so he can finally read whatever he wants to read. I just looked at him and told him that I go to the bookstore to get myself a new book today after class. A book NOT college related. Simply reading for pleasure. He looked at me puzzled, gave me the side-eye and shook his head.

I am human after all, and giving myself time to be exactly that makes me excited and I want to jump right back into this game (or show) we are all playing whenever the time is right.