.SOMETIMES RAW.

Artwork Mischa Schenkel

Hello and Happy Thursday to you! 

My day was full of thoughts. Unfortunately, many sad thoughts. I wish that there could be a way to know when we would see someone for the last time. Sort of like we wake up in the morning and know somehow to pay close attention to what we say to a certain person, kiss them one more time or hug them even harder than usual before we say goodbye. But I guess it is also good the way it is and we don’t know all those things. I also think about my good friend who’s husband passed away in a motorcycle accident on his way to work. They were never able to speak again because he was in a coma for a week until they turned off the machines. Tragic, horrible and so sad that I could start crying while I type this. If we would know our expiration date already, I don’t know if I could live comfortably without counting the days. Then maybe trying to extend my expiration date by living extra healthy and doing this or that differently, who knows. 

We don’t know when our door will close and we go on and on living our life so we won’t feel too much sadness and pain if the inevitable happens. Unfortunately this time will come for all of us, unless someone invents a special longevity pill in the meantime. 

I went to the post office with Petit Joel today and on our way back home it started drizzling a bit. We made it to the local store at the corner to wait-out the rain and got a magazine and a Kindersurprise for Joel. Finally, the rain stopped and we were about to walk out of the store when a friend with his siblings walked into the store. All of them looked devastated, red-eyes and had this sadness in their eyes. Looking at their body language as soon as they entered the store, I knew something bad happened. I also knew, that their father had been sick for a long time. He had been better in between and then increasingly worse since December last year. I remember where I stood when I talked to them this morning, everything else went blurry. The sibling I have to most contact with nodded quietly, then shook his head blankly and said that his father passed away yesterday morning. I felt my legs getting weak. I knew their father well, especially from childhood and have seen him several times since I am in Germany. All siblings and I used to play together when we grew up as kids. The images all came back and were in front of my eyes so clearly. 

It was so quiet suddenly, we stood there, me not able to say anything. I saw a teardrop like a little tiny diamond welling up in their eyes. Besides my grandfather, I thankfully did not lose anybody in my family who I was really close to. When he passed away I was still so tiny and had no clue what happened. 

Those siblings and I are not that close anymore. Everyone moved away and was busy doing their thing. I moved to the US so there was really no contact except Facebook messages here and there. I saw their father last a couple of weeks ago in his car on the street, greeted him but he did not see me. That was it. The sad part is, that I knew for a week now that he has been sick, really sick, but I did not go there. Was it because I felt like I don’t know what to say, fear or simply lack of understanding how he must have felt – I did not go there, even though he lived two minutes away. I remember it all so clearly now, how he used to give us a little cactus as a gift to take care off, explaining us how to water them. So many childhood memories all came back in an instant and made me shake my head in disbelief. 

Others lose people they love, time and life goes on and on, we cannot stop it. Good things happen, bad things happen, horrible things happen. We see it every single day. Here in this small town, everybody seems to do their own thing. Everybody minds their own business. Some enjoy a nice evening outside on their terrace with a glass of wine while next door someone is in horrible pain. Next comes fall, the leaves start to turn brown again and then winter follows. Everything moves. The only consistent thing in life is change. Constantly. Today, I have been reminded again that I have to pay extra attention to the small things as well as everything else. It can all be over in a second -this beautiful life! I hugged my parents especially hard – thankful that they are alive and healthy and gave extra kissed to my son. It is important to enjoy every single moment, right here and now. 

I wish this family love, my deepest condolences and the strength to somehow work through it all. 

Hello and Happy Monday! 

Tomorrow will be my 35th birthday. I remember a friend in Munich who told me once on her 35th birthday, that this is the best year of a woman’s life. Others do not even want to be reminded that it is their birthday and just won’t make a big deal out of it. Do you celebrate your 29th birthday every year? For some, it is really scary to leave the 20s behind or getting closer to 40. Who the hell cares, I think. Looking back at the last five years, I have to say that those were the best years of my life so far. Full of important moments and love; they were wild and beautiful. I explored and leaned so much about myself; and I like what I am discovering. I also know that there is still so much more out there and I hope to have health and time to enjoy it all. 

I don’t mind getting older. I never felt that my youth is ending when I turned 30, or it is a big deal to turn 35. I talked to a friend not too long ago and she said she is sad and depressed when she thinks about turning 35 next month because she is not doing what she wants to do at age 35. She should be doing something different; a different job, kids, travel and whatnot and she already wasted so much time. I told her she shouldn’t dread her birthday but rather celebrate it and make the changes she needs and wants to do NOW. Learn from the mistakes and take the birthday as a new start, a new year. The only constant in the world is change. 

What else did I learn at 34 years-old? 

Quality over quantity and having connections with meaningful people – those who really matter. Loving myself 100%, self-realization, accepting myself, learning what I really want in life and going for it is my goal. I also realized in the last couple of years that I am the master of my own destiny. I make my day and I determine my future to a certain extend. I don’t blame others for mistakes or any unhappiness in my life – I am responsible for my own actions. I learned to take full responsibility for it and I stopped people-pleasing. It is also great to stay a kid at heart and go out and play in the dirt with my son. 

Looking back at all I have learned and experienced, I feel so lucky and I am in awe. I get to be Jean’s wife and Joel’s mom – and to me, this is everything. Love. Unconditionally. In order to succeed I need my team. Home team Henry and of course my family and friends. It is not easy to built this team and I had to move on from certain people who did not add light or love to my life; it is all part of the process and it is all okay. I wish them well and simply move on. My closest friends know a lot about me; those are the people I never have to second guess myself around – people who accept me the way I am and love me. I have no time for anything else – also not for useless family fights or arguments about nothing. I cultivate relationships that are worth it. Not everybody will be on my team and I learned that it is not important to fit every person into my life. Life is too short. You want love? BE love. You want light? BE light. 

I am excited what my “next year” will bring and for some reason I believe that it will be awesome. 34 was so good and it feels awesome to be me, in all of those silly, crazy, happy, adventurous ways. I love birthdays. All these possibilities in the future are endless and I am looking forward to what is on the horizon. 

So, 34, you were fantastic. Bring it on 35. I am ready for you! 

Spin wheel by Mischa Schenkel 

Hello and Happy Friday!

Saaaaambaaaa in Coburg. Awesome! I just came back home with a cab (yep, they have cabs in Coburg) after a fantastic evening/night with my friends Martina and Uwe. I was not able to attend Samba in Coburg for many years because there was always something else going on. Last year we traveled to Martinique. Not bad either I would say. The music, the rhythm and food were just a great experience that I will never forget. The Samba dancers/performers had this vibe and sent out love that sucked the audience in and kept them there for a while. I had goosebumps and started to move automatically. Thanks to both of you to let me enjoy this evening with you! I will always remember this great experience. On my way home I had a pretty good conversation with the cab driver. He asked me, “Hey, I saw you in the newspaper a couple of months ago. Is this you? With the UN, police, US and Canada?” So sweet. Sometimes I wish a cab ride would never end because there is so much more to say. If you read this: Thank you for taking me home safely, dear Mr. Cabdriver/Cop!  What I have been up to otherwise, read on if you would like. 

Reading:  I finished Bella Mia by Donatella Di Pietrantonia and liked it. Entertaining, thought-provoking read. Currently I am reading Unterleuten by Juli Zeh. This book on the other hand blows my mind. Absolute awesomeness. I still cannot believe that I never heard or read anything by Juli Zeh before. Crazy how some amazing authors are just out there and even though I read like crazy, stay undetected – well, until now, hah! 

Watching: Je suis Charlie which is really intense. “This new documentary by the father-and-son directing team of Daniel and Emmanuel Leconte pays tribute to the 11 journalists of the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo who were killed in the January 2015 attack by radical Islamic extremists.” To see what people are capable of, all this destruction and sadness – horrible! Jiro Dreams of Sushi on Netflix. So awesome! 

 Discovering/Learning: I am addicted to sushi. Love, love, love it and when I discover a new sushi restaurant I am in heaven. Here are some that I tested and highly recommend: Sushi Yasuda on 204 East 43rd Street. Reservation needed. Hands down the best sushi I had so far. OKONOMI/YUJI Ramen 150 Ainslie Street, Brooklyn, NY 11211. Great place! In Coburg, Sushi Bar is great! I wrote a review here. 

Thinking About: That I have to stop living in the mind and start living in the heart more often.  The heart does not know fear until you think about it. Thoughts are text messages. Whatever I focus on I give energy to and I need to focus on what elevates me. I don’t give the red-carpet treatment to people who don’t serve me. Whenever I allow someone else to give me value I loose confidence. The secret is to let go of societies expectations. I cannot please everyone. It is impossible. I am creating my own reality. 

Looking Forward to: Reading One More Thing by B.J. Novak. This book has been on my to-read pile for the longest time. I will dive into it soon. I am also looking forward to traveling to Canada by the end of the month. Things are taking shape slowly. A lot of planning, talking, deciding and calculating but our dreams come true eventually. I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to my parents – even though it is really needed in a way to give them their regular life back in a way. We have been here for almost three years now. So will will part with one sad and one happy eye. I always keep in mind that there are options like Skype, FaceTime, Emails and plane rides that are not even that long to keep in touch. Thankfully, there is technology that makes it all possible. I am looking forward to our US trip with my brother and Nadine (Glitzer). I love both so much and cannot wait to spend time with them and my family. Awesome projects coming up and tons to write about. Stay tuned!  

Have a lovely weekend!