.SOMETIMES RAW.

Advance Reading Copy Disclosure:

Thanks to Blogging for Books and the publisher for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review. I have not heard about Hannah Tennant-Moore before but what drew my attention to this book the most was the cover and title. This does not affect my opinion of the content or the book in my review.

“I was not loved as a child and now I find it difficult to love others- how can I heal? I hate my job but I need the money – should I quit and live as a pauper? The monk answered them each the same way: Be earnest. If you want to be free, do not let anything stop you. Examine every thought, desire, sensation until you fully understand its source. Expect nothing from the world. Then you will naturally wake up to your true state. Remain open and quiet. That is all you can do.” 

This book is very raw and honest and about a young woman, Elsie, who is searching for a purpose in life. She also feels stuck in a weird and impulsive, abusive relationship with her boyfriend Jered. Her father helps her financially until she “finds what she is looking for” while she works at a newspaper for a while and makes a plethora of bad decisions mixed with alcohol and drugs. Then she meets Bryan. He seems perfect – no drugs and alcohol and no physical pain. However, she is not happy and this relationship seems not to be right either. She goes back to Jered. After a weird drug party she decides that there is only one possible solution at this point. A drastic change. She travels to Sri Lanka and Paris in search for a new way to live, new connections and friends and experience. Elsie is on a quest to figure out what she wants and most importantly who she is and come face-to-face with herself. 

She wants to be comfortable in her life, to not make these bad decisions anymore and most importantly think about these sexual cravings she has and needs to fulfill with Jared. There is quite some spirituality in this book but not as much as I hoped for. Also, the Elsie character bothers me at points. Her constant whining and going back and forth in this abusive relationship trying to make it work even though it seems all hopeless and self-destructive is annoying. The sexual descriptions are very graphic but not vulgar. But, if too many graphic details about violent sex offend – or make you uncomfortable, this is most certainly not your book to read. I guess since 50 Shades of Grey sex sells. Sometimes I had the feeling of reading a memoir because the descriptions of places in Sri Lanka were so real and accurate. You will get a  pretty good idea on how people in Sri Lanka live as well as their culture and lifestyle. 

“I need to reconcile my ideals with my personality,” Elsie stated and wanted to help a woman she befriended in Sri Lanka. Her desire to do good and make some changes is definitely something I enjoyed reading about. Elsie’s character is very realistic and I loved to find out about this little barrier a person may created between actions and thoughts. 

Order your copy here. 

Hello and Happy Saturday! 

A couple of days ago my husband and I decided to surprise my brother at the Spartan Race. So we just woke up early this morning, had a quick breakfast and hit the road. Could there be anything more fun than just being in the moment and doing what you really feel like? My parents told me to leave our son at home with them for the day which was awesome. So mini-solo-roadtrip it is! Spontaneity is awesome! I took two books with me and actually finished Blauschmuck by Katharina Winkler on the way to Munich. [Book review will follow] 

I think it is important to create great memories and to see my brother at the “start line” and knowing that he totally did not expect us was priceless and made me feel so good. I also realized that he is doing his thing, that he is grown-up but will always remain my little brother. It is weird sometimes to think about him being older than he is now. Or thinking about what he did throughout the years at every stage. And then he hopped to the next stage, and the next and time flew by. He grew up so quickly and is doing his own thing. It is just crazy how fast it all goes – especially if I just saw him next to me in my parent’s sand box when he was so little. When people told me time goes by so quickly I never believed it. I just thought; “yeah, well, time is time and whatever.” I would then smile politely and never really thought about it anymore. When I saw my brother today, a grown man, I realized again that everything changes too quickly.  That one hour, one day means nothing. It seems all double-or triple speed and this pace only quickens. 

I savor all the memories I had when I was a child. I have so many pictures and when looking at them I am trying to stamp them onto my memory again – hopefully permanently. 

I feel so lucky that my brother is not just my brother… he is also a really good friend! He has seen me go through so many stages of my life and I just feel we have this special bond. We grew up together so he has seen what I have seen and we had the same experiences in a way as kids. He has been with me, side-by-side through the corn fields and building forts. He just knows me really well at this point and also understands me. I saw his eyes lit up when my husband and I arrived fifteen minutes before the start and this was simply amazing. So much love and happiness. 

I am just thankful for it all. A ray of Sunshine. 

Hello and Happy Wednesday! 

Currently the posts that have the most clicks or likes are those I wrote after losing my mind and revealed how it really looked inside of me. Another thing I will reveal, hah! You see my ear lobe and the hole? At one point in my life I thought it would be awesome to have tunnels and I bought the coolest plugs ever! And when I reached 14mm I did not like it anymore and took them out. This is what it looks like after! Just FYI if you ever think about doing it. 

So how do I try to stay calm? Well, in stressful situations it is almost killing me. Last night I tried to update my theme on this website. It took several attempts to purchase this theme and for some reason my credit cards did not work. Finally my husband had to help me which got me a bit upset already. WHAT is WRONG with my credit card? Typically, I let things like this slide but yesterday it somehow morphed into something else and slowly but surely I was almost ready to throw this computer out of the window. I tried to download a ZIP file and then upload it as my new theme and it simply did not work and I got more and more upset. Computer problems like this  get me super mad and anxious. I just want this to work in a way without being so complicated. My husband sat next to me on his computer so I tried to fake my aggression by becoming too quiet but inside I felt like a nuclear meltdown is taking place. So this feeling came and went – off and on up to the point where my husband who observed me for a while through the corner of his eyes asked me something irrelevant about a person we spoke about earlier. Then I lost it. I screamed and yelled, all red in the face about this stupid- computer- theme -update problem. My husband knows me too well. Grrr. 

Initially, he looked at me rather perplexed and then took the computer and told me that screaming at this thing does not help. Also, that I waste my energy being angry instead of searching for solutions. Needless to say, with his attitude we were able to at least upload the ZIP file. [Damn you zip!]

I am not an angry person and actually pretty easy-going, mostly positive and if life gives me lemons I ask for salt and tequila. I am not a fan of negativity and I try to avoid drama in my life. But then there are these other moments when I think about something over and over trying to find solutions obsessively until I get myself physically and mentally sick. And 99% of the time I am upset about minor, dumb things that are, in hindsight, actually no big deal at all. Times like last evening are just so weird and it feels that I am totally and completely out of control. Whenever this happens and I am alone I am almost unable to bring myself out of it. Thinking about how lucky I am in life to be healthy, to have a healthy loving family and so many good days rather than bad ones does help sometimes! I don’t think I have an anger-problem or need to “see” someone to make me feel better while taking medication or with talks on a couch. I am luckily far from that, hah! 

Breathing deeply helps, stopping whatever I am doing and stepping away from it helps. Talking to my husband helps always because he makes sense. Talking to my parents helps. And of course talking to my friends at SEHES. I acknowledge these feelings which is already better than ignoring them. It is important for me to snap out of these thoughts or situations and move on. I choose to be happy or sad in a way but sometimes my little tricks to cheer myself up don’t quite work so well which makes me a human. Every day and situation is different. 

As you might have noticed by now, the website theme did not change. I gave up after trying to install it for two hours. I realized that some things are meant to be done by the pros. When the time feels right, I will hire someone to help me with this blog. Simple as that and as I needed help with my math and statistic homework in College. And guess what, it is okay not to be perfect in every little aspect in life. With these thoughts I finally went to bed last night, way later than I intended. I enjoyed the silence for a bit. Enjoyed how quiet and calm the house was while everybody slept. I read a couple of pages in my new book before switching off the light and falling asleep. My sleep was comfortable,  deep, peaceful and quiet. My new website theme far in the distance. I dreamed nothing. 

Do you suffer from anxiety or depression? How do you deal with “tough” situations? I would love to hear from you  and try new tips and tricks. I hope you had a wonderful day/afternoon/evening wherever you are.