Teardrop.

Artwork Mischa Schenkel

Hello and Happy Thursday to you! 

My day was full of thoughts. Unfortunately, many sad thoughts. I wish that there could be a way to know when we would see someone for the last time. Sort of like we wake up in the morning and know somehow to pay close attention to what we say to a certain person, kiss them one more time or hug them even harder than usual before we say goodbye. But I guess it is also good the way it is and we don’t know all those things. I also think about my good friend who’s husband passed away in a motorcycle accident on his way to work. They were never able to speak again because he was in a coma for a week until they turned off the machines. Tragic, horrible and so sad that I could start crying while I type this. If we would know our expiration date already, I don’t know if I could live comfortably without counting the days. Then maybe trying to extend my expiration date by living extra healthy and doing this or that differently, who knows. 

We don’t know when our door will close and we go on and on living our life so we won’t feel too much sadness and pain if the inevitable happens. Unfortunately this time will come for all of us, unless someone invents a special longevity pill in the meantime. 

I went to the post office with Petit Joel today and on our way back home it started drizzling a bit. We made it to the local store at the corner to wait-out the rain and got a magazine and a Kindersurprise for Joel. Finally, the rain stopped and we were about to walk out of the store when a friend with his siblings walked into the store. All of them looked devastated, red-eyes and had this sadness in their eyes. Looking at their body language as soon as they entered the store, I knew something bad happened. I also knew, that their father had been sick for a long time. He had been better in between and then increasingly worse since December last year. I remember where I stood when I talked to them this morning, everything else went blurry. The sibling I have to most contact with nodded quietly, then shook his head blankly and said that his father passed away yesterday morning. I felt my legs getting weak. I knew their father well, especially from childhood and have seen him several times since I am in Germany. All siblings and I used to play together when we grew up as kids. The images all came back and were in front of my eyes so clearly. 

It was so quiet suddenly, we stood there, me not able to say anything. I saw a teardrop like a little tiny diamond welling up in their eyes. Besides my grandfather, I thankfully did not lose anybody in my family who I was really close to. When he passed away I was still so tiny and had no clue what happened. 

Those siblings and I are not that close anymore. Everyone moved away and was busy doing their thing. I moved to the US so there was really no contact except Facebook messages here and there. I saw their father last a couple of weeks ago in his car on the street, greeted him but he did not see me. That was it. The sad part is, that I knew for a week now that he has been sick, really sick, but I did not go there. Was it because I felt like I don’t know what to say, fear or simply lack of understanding how he must have felt – I did not go there, even though he lived two minutes away. I remember it all so clearly now, how he used to give us a little cactus as a gift to take care off, explaining us how to water them. So many childhood memories all came back in an instant and made me shake my head in disbelief. 

Others lose people they love, time and life goes on and on, we cannot stop it. Good things happen, bad things happen, horrible things happen. We see it every single day. Here in this small town, everybody seems to do their own thing. Everybody minds their own business. Some enjoy a nice evening outside on their terrace with a glass of wine while next door someone is in horrible pain. Next comes fall, the leaves start to turn brown again and then winter follows. Everything moves. The only consistent thing in life is change. Constantly. Today, I have been reminded again that I have to pay extra attention to the small things as well as everything else. It can all be over in a second -this beautiful life! I hugged my parents especially hard – thankful that they are alive and healthy and gave extra kissed to my son. It is important to enjoy every single moment, right here and now. 

I wish this family love, my deepest condolences and the strength to somehow work through it all.