.SOMETIMES RAW.

Talk is cheap and it is usually very easy to say that I am happy with where I am in life right now or even that I am 100% happy with myself. This is why I am working with and on myself to find this inner peace. Usually I see something else up ahead and I want to be there instantly by rushing there forgetting to breathe and slow down. Rushing usually gets me nowhere.

Since becoming a mother one of the things –  biggest things I am practicing is slowing down. Learning through and with my son is one of the biggest gifts in my life. In my previous stressful New York life – rushing from one appointment to the next but always rushing- I forgot to “stop and smell the roses”. It is  amazing that I am fortunate to see all these little changes my son goes through now. That I am HERE NOW with him to experience all this. I think it is really hard for me to see time slipping by every day with all these changes he goes through – it is just all so fast. Time means nothing. Like the time I am here in Germany now- meeting all my good friends again, especially spending so much time with Susi, Alex, Jonas and Julius (Jesus) is just so precious. And how quickly will this time be over and things will change. I just have the feeling that I need to have this very clear view and a strong pull to stay in the now, and just be in the present. To simply enjoy every moment!

However, at the same time it is so very hard to do exactly that. So with some help I am doing and practicing exactly just that – practicing just being here. Just simply “be” sounds so easy but it is not – it is hard to just be because it needs a lot of focus. Focus is important. When I play with my son I play with my son. No phone, no distractions please. What I really try is to clear my head and play, just stop thinking what I have to do later or what I just read or need to do later on. It is so important for myself and also for my son. He knows and feels when I am not 100% with him. He knows when something is on my mind that bothers me. And when I am not content he is not content. Simple as that.

My son loves tractors these days. With a passion. All I see is tractors all day long in form of books, toys etc. but I do play with him and listen to him when he tries to tell me something with his little voice without me being somewhere else.

I believe my son deserves presence. This is a gift I want to give him and I try to be mindful of this at all times. Who knows how much longer I am able to be there for him this way. I even try to do the same when I am writing. My son is asleep a long time ago but I am still closing the door quietly to not wake him up and  I keep the lights low and just focus on just the words in am typing here and now in this white box on this blog.

I try to get something out of every experience I have. When I am cooking for example I really want to cook 100%. I want to smell the garlic and onion simmering on the stove and I want to taste the lemon and all the fresh herbs I squeeze over the dish.

I had been reminded (through my Reiki master) of a great lesson today. None of us know how much time we have left and what is next. All I can think about is how short this life is. I mean the average human lives around 28,500 days, or about seventy-eight years (“The Big Five for Live” by John Strelecky). Well, hopefully it is more, but statistically speaking it is about just that. And I also realize there are no guarantees it might be even shorter. There is this weird spectrum how I call it. The happy lucky side (you can do it all – so do it all because you only live once) and at the same time a very sad side (you only live one – you just cannot do it all).

Right now I am just in this middle thing and paddling around trying to figure out what I can do, what I am capable of, how much I can achieve – with this knowledge in the back of my mind that I do not even know how much time I have left in my hourglass which is constantly emptying.

So, I just want to be here. Here. Now. In this moment. And enjoy everything around me. We do not know when it is all over. Maybe there is a Safari next? 😀

I had to move on from some people that did not add love, light or value to my life. This is a hard statement to start a blog with but it is true. It is all part of the process. I wish these people well and move on. I want people in my life that are there for me when I do not succeed but also people who cheer loudly when I do. People who really mean it. These people should be way beyond the Instagram and Facebook “friends”. These should be friends who know the dark deep depths of me, the ones who I do not have to second guess myself around, these people who know all the shitty parts of myself and do not judge me, think I am weird and love me all the same. And people who do not take their phones out and start typing along with others. I mean, seriously? (I am not saying that quickly writing “what is up” is forbidden….even though WHO cares once you are WITH your friend at a bar, right?)

It is difficult to find those people or that one person but if you find them keep them close and cultivate those relationships. Of course one can have all the other friends as well – party friends, work-friends, weekend-friends whatever. I have just learned throughout my years on this planet that not everyone will be on your team. 🙂 And it just does not work to fit every single person in my life into my scared, special place. It is important to save your energy to the people closest to me.

What matters to me is that I wake up in the morning and I have the feeling that I am doing a good job at just being a good human being – good mother, whatever you want to name it. Just to be the best sister or friend but whatever I am doing I want to do it with love and kindness. What someone thinks about you, random stuff that I worry about and that does not go away does not really matter. If you want love – BE love!

And it is of course okay to change. I developed a passion on being outdoors, writing, nature, healthy eating more throughout the last year. My interests shifted and this is ok. I learned so many things about myself and I think – besides raising my son in this environment – this was my favorite part of the entire past years. The adventures I went on with my husband and son, discovering new places, traveling and experiencing new things – it is just scare and awesome at point and reminds us that we are alive and that there is a possibility of so much more. So many places to discover, to much more to see, taste, experience.

I gained a much deeper self-acceptance and self-love throughout this past year. I love to be myself – it is okay to be me, sometimes silly, happy, sad, emotional, adventurous. And just to be okay about others being THEM. Who cares what everyone else is doing. They live their own life. I started to focus on my life and not putting to much focus on others. It just feels so good to go through life like this. WHO the hell cares what A, B, C is doing. Just FOCUS on YOUR OWN SHIT. 😀

I.AM. ENOUGH! Jean, Joel, they are what also matters, and I am forever grateful that they are mine. The possibilities of the future are endless and I am looking forward to it.

For a week now I have been drinking and testing Matcha tea.  Matcha is traditionally Japanese and a powdered green tea. The leaves are grown in the shade (shaded growth produces more chlorophyll and theanine) and covered for three weeks before harvest. Then the veins and stems are removed and air dried and finally ground on a stone grinder into a fine powder. Matcha is a antioxidant powerhouse, a natural weights aid, a great way to detox and a mood -enhancer. I drink a cup in the morning with my breakfast sometimes.

This is what you need to make your tea the traditional way: 

(A drinking bowl, the Matcha tea obviously, a bamboo whisk and a bamboo scoop)

The Japanese have some great traditions I believe. One is their tea ceremony in tea preparation, the tea drinking and serving. The Matcha powered I purchased is an organic brand called “Garucha” Matcha. Upon opening the little container (a little pricey: Euro 16 but you only need 2g for one cup), the green power is described as bright green with  a sweet grassy smell. There should be no clumps! [Thomas].  Traditionally, a bamboo scoop is used; called a chashaku, however I just used a regular spoon. Measure 2g of Matcha powder into a tea bowl and then add a bit of cold water and mix with a bamboo whisk (known as chasen). Whisk until you get a creamy consistency. In the meantime, boil some water, then let it cool off to approximately 70-85 degrees Celsius or 158-185 Fahrenheit. Again, this is the traditional way to prepare this tea. 🙂 Add the water. Now whisk this mixture really fast for about 1 minute.  There should be a little green foam on top of your tea.

Now drink your cup. Matcha can be bitter – like wheatgrass in a way. You can add some almond milk (check out my recipe to see how you can easily make your own).

Matcha contains L-theanine, an amino acid known to relax the mind. This works kind of like a mood-enhancer. Some drink Matcha to assist meditation, because of the amino acids in the tea that may create a calming alertness over time. These amino acids are also the reason why the tea is so bitter. Matcha is rich in fiber and nutrients. It also provides vitamin C, zinc and magnesium. If you drink it regularly it can lowers cholesterol and blood sugar. Do you like to drink green tea? Drinking one cup of matcha is similar to drinking 10 glasses of green tea in the aspect of antioxidant content and nutritional value. Awesome no?

Enjoy.