.SOMETIMES RAW.

“I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed.” – Paulo Coelho

I am working on going through life as actively as I can but I have realized sometimes that I am not doing a good job when I am reacting like crazy (hello Jean!) to every challenge, obstacle and problem as they arrive and when things are not as smooth for me. However, when the ride is smooth I am pretty settled in. I have been analyzing all this a lot recently and came to the conclusion that I do not want to sleepwalk through life. I believe everyone had this feeling of time flashing by and another year just passed. Or ten, twenty. The danger here is that it is very easy to just wake up at some point in life and realize: “What the hell happened? Time flies by and I did nothing truly exciting all these years – nothing that fills my soul and mind with happiness!”

What I try to say is that I do not want to spend my life doing things I do not want to do day in and day out. “Spending my life doing things I do not want to do” can mean for example spending a life with the wrong partner. Someone who does not make me laugh, happy and fills my soul. All this considering that I love myself 100% first. I have to give myself  value.  I lose confidence. It does not matter what anybody thinks of me.  I have to be brave to love myself. This is life. Things happen to me.  It is not easy sometimes. I have to take 100% responsibility of how I feel. Other examples would be that I do not spend my life active, discovering new things, traveling, be open-minded for new things, or working at a job that I do not love or even hate for years and years. So basically all this would make me less happy and less healthy than I should or could be.

I am fortunate to have some wise people in my life that help me out occasionally if I am stuck for words or wisdom. Today for example I heard that “I have to take control of my own life to be happy because – guess what- no one else is doing if for you.” (Bonsoir mon amour)

What helped me so far on my journey is  to get rid of as much junk as possible. I want to buy only the stuff I really need. Asking myself in the store if I really NEED this item I have in my hand right now for example! I am taking control because every single thing I own has somehow and impact on my life. I just want to simplify as much as possible.  Important is also controlling the people in my life. There is just no need for people who have a negative impact or bring me down on a daily basis. Simple as that. However, the most important thing for me is health.

Without being healthy and being at my personal best there is not much going on I think. Health is the most important thing I have. The health suffers – nothing else matters. I look at all the movie starts, rich rich people who seem to have it all. The perfect house, the perfect furniture, the perfect family or job. They have millions of dollars but how come many of them suffer from depression or worse diseases and death? The same with people in my surroundings; take the mask of and the hero fades away. 🙂 Yes, Gainsbourg! Actions speak louder than words! Many promise so much and then do nothing in the end.

I believe the way I act and think is somewhat programmed. My last post on society clarifies this a bit more. But family, friends and even the wider influence told me what to do, how to be happy, sad all these things. But I have been thinking for a while now that some of  this input might just be false. Of course I try to listen to my mom and dad still but they are living THEIR life. I life mine which is unique. I make my own decisions and I will just delete some of the programmed stuff from way back when. I believe it is important to also watch what I  believe, read or watch because whatever garbage I put in my head sometimes affects the way I live.

I am getting better at meditation. It just does not happen over night obviously but it does happen. It allows me to control my own thoughts a bit better. It all depends on how I think. The brain is very powerful and thoughts (many many thoughts) come and go constantly. But I know now that if I let some of them happen to me then I am doing the same thing over and over again. (expecting a different result = insanity ahaha). Well it does not work like this. I have to change my old patterns of think with new ones. One thing I had a huge problem with was too much thinking about people who are sad. Why they are sad, lonely and depressed, trying to find solutions for them etc. But guess what? They are living their own life as well. Of course I can talk to them but it is not my “duty” to find solutions. I can help but not lose myself on the way and make myself miserable and sad. Giving makes me happy. Gifts, my time, passion, resources you name it. But I know now when to stop. I live my own life and get the best out of it. I do only have this one shot! I smile for no reason and look within for the answers. This is how magnificent our existence is. It is more about the journey than the destination.

It is summer. I wear a skirt, dress or short pants and my son looks at my leg or my arm or or or…. And what does he see? When I was 13 years old and you would have shown me a picture of myself I would not have believed that this woman could be me.

My parents were and are pretty open-minded but at the same time conservative and never even thought about tattoos. I do not think my parents have any friends who are tattooed as a matter of fact. There were no tattoos throughout my  high school years – on myself or friends. As a matter of fact I have not seen a person heavily tattooed before I was 18 years old. Weird, but this is true. Then out of a sudden I saw tattoos everywhere and all I thought was how people could do this to their bodies and all these diseases from unsanitary conditions they might catch.

My past profession initially prohibited tattoos completely but then allowed to be tattooed at invisible places. I changed. People change. I like body art. I love tattoos. So as soon as my former employer said it is okay to get tattoos (and even visible tattoos) I was hooked. I would call myself heavily tattooed at this point. I have not gotten anything else lately and I have not planned anything for the future but who knows what might happens.

I would just link being tattooed (or heavily tattoos)  to wearing a dress that you just cannot take off. I have to also mention that I did a lot of research on the “dress” before. I knew what I exactly wanted, then loved the “dress”, bought the dress and now I wear it for the rest of my life. 😀 My tattoos are visible but I can hide them if I want to easily. However, people on the street do comment on them – of course not openly. Maybe they hate it, maybe they do not but just because something is different, more colorful and out of the norm they have this urge to discuss it; in a positive or negative way. Well whatever makes them happy. The thing is that I cannot take my “dress” off – ever! I just have to keep this in mind when I get visibly tattooed or any tattoo. It will usually be a conversation piece and will always be a part of me wherever I go. This is what people see before they see me! I have never regretted any tattoo on my body so far. This is me.

So now I am a Mom with tattoos.  People act even more weird and ask more questions. What will you do if your son wants tattoos because he sees yours? How often do other Moms judge you? Do you think your son will be embarrassed of your tattoos later on?” Well my son is surrounded by us being tattooed. Yes, my husband loves his tattoos as well. 🙂 When my son grows up he might think we are lame for being tattoos or super cool. But who really cares. It is all good, either way. I on the other hand could not have imagined my mom or dad being tattooed. This just was not the time really. Having a tattooed mom and dad is all my son will know and he is surrounded by some of my tattooed friends as well occasionally. So seeing pictures and beautiful colors on people’s skin is totally normal for him at his young age.  I love how he looks at my un-tattooed leg and my tattooed leg and puts his little finger on the tattoo figuring out the outlines.

Sometimes I do wonder how it all will affect our son. If at all I hope our tattoos teach him a valuable lesson – to just accept anybody no matter how they look and never base the opinion on someone’s look alone. I think this is a very important lesson for him to learn and considering how quickly other people are to judge others solely on appearances and stereotypes.  In my previous jobs I used to cover my tattoos up (in uniform or a suit usually) and most of my colleagues did not know that I am tattooed unless they saw me somewhere outside of work. I am still the same person they had always known; just because I am a bit different. 🙂 And being different is awesome. This is what I hope for my son. I just hope that he grows up and realizes that not everyone fits into one box. I want to teach my little guy that thinking outside of the norm, acceptance and tolerance, uniqueness and respect for diversity are all good things. Also kindness and compassion. If you look around tattoos become more common. When I walk around in this little town Coburg I call home for now I see so many people walking around with tattoos. I also realize that there will always be someone who makes an assumption or judge based on appearance which is sad but okay. All I do is teach my son to have a kind heart and open mind. This is what I tell people when they ask how it is like to be a heavily tattooed Mom. Simple as that.

Talk is cheap and it is usually very easy to say that I am happy with where I am in life right now or even that I am 100% happy with myself. This is why I am working with and on myself to find this inner peace. Usually I see something else up ahead and I want to be there instantly by rushing there forgetting to breathe and slow down. Rushing usually gets me nowhere.

Since becoming a mother one of the things –  biggest things I am practicing is slowing down. Learning through and with my son is one of the biggest gifts in my life. In my previous stressful New York life – rushing from one appointment to the next but always rushing- I forgot to “stop and smell the roses”. It is  amazing that I am fortunate to see all these little changes my son goes through now. That I am HERE NOW with him to experience all this. I think it is really hard for me to see time slipping by every day with all these changes he goes through – it is just all so fast. Time means nothing. Like the time I am here in Germany now- meeting all my good friends again, especially spending so much time with Susi, Alex, Jonas and Julius (Jesus) is just so precious. And how quickly will this time be over and things will change. I just have the feeling that I need to have this very clear view and a strong pull to stay in the now, and just be in the present. To simply enjoy every moment!

However, at the same time it is so very hard to do exactly that. So with some help I am doing and practicing exactly just that – practicing just being here. Just simply “be” sounds so easy but it is not – it is hard to just be because it needs a lot of focus. Focus is important. When I play with my son I play with my son. No phone, no distractions please. What I really try is to clear my head and play, just stop thinking what I have to do later or what I just read or need to do later on. It is so important for myself and also for my son. He knows and feels when I am not 100% with him. He knows when something is on my mind that bothers me. And when I am not content he is not content. Simple as that.

My son loves tractors these days. With a passion. All I see is tractors all day long in form of books, toys etc. but I do play with him and listen to him when he tries to tell me something with his little voice without me being somewhere else.

I believe my son deserves presence. This is a gift I want to give him and I try to be mindful of this at all times. Who knows how much longer I am able to be there for him this way. I even try to do the same when I am writing. My son is asleep a long time ago but I am still closing the door quietly to not wake him up and  I keep the lights low and just focus on just the words in am typing here and now in this white box on this blog.

I try to get something out of every experience I have. When I am cooking for example I really want to cook 100%. I want to smell the garlic and onion simmering on the stove and I want to taste the lemon and all the fresh herbs I squeeze over the dish.

I had been reminded (through my Reiki master) of a great lesson today. None of us know how much time we have left and what is next. All I can think about is how short this life is. I mean the average human lives around 28,500 days, or about seventy-eight years (“The Big Five for Live” by John Strelecky). Well, hopefully it is more, but statistically speaking it is about just that. And I also realize there are no guarantees it might be even shorter. There is this weird spectrum how I call it. The happy lucky side (you can do it all – so do it all because you only live once) and at the same time a very sad side (you only live one – you just cannot do it all).

Right now I am just in this middle thing and paddling around trying to figure out what I can do, what I am capable of, how much I can achieve – with this knowledge in the back of my mind that I do not even know how much time I have left in my hourglass which is constantly emptying.

So, I just want to be here. Here. Now. In this moment. And enjoy everything around me. We do not know when it is all over. Maybe there is a Safari next? 😀