On feelings

“Feelings are much like waves, we cannot stop them form coming but we can choose which one to surf.” 

These days I am all all about thinking and figuring things out. On how so many tiny moments roll into overarching feelings that define stages and seasons of our lives. Every morning when I wake up and I am getting ready for the day I think it is weird sometimes how I will not remember this particular morning but I will remember this feeling of morning. And I think of my childhood for example in the same way. I had an awesome childhood I must say. I cannot remember everyday but I just have an intense feeling of happiness thinking of it. I just skyped with my brother for 3 hours and 15 minutes. (Whaaaat?!) We have been talking about so many things – also how we felt as kids when we grew up. These feelings of safety and fun, also fighting, being scared… but we realized that it was all good. This safety net is so important to me. To have my “home base”, my family, my siblings. I want my son to have the same feeling and security.

My son might not remember me sitting with him every night before he goes to bed reading books but I believe he will remember this feeling. This feeling of security and love because it all rolls together, every single day. Same with our every day stuff we do. Walks to the post office, our little picnics – just him and myself, this way my son and I kind of feel each other when we lay on the couch together. I believe it is important to have this bond with him.  To give this feeling that I am there for him no matter what. “It is not what I do every once in a while that is my life. It is what I do everyday. ” (I think there was a saying like that as well hahahaha)

This also applies for the bad days. Yes, there are bad days. Of course there are! These are the special days. When I feel nothing goes right from the first step out of bed. Bad night, I lose my temper or feel uninspired, frustrated or use “Maisy Mouse” on YOUTUBE  to fill our time. This is normal. I have bad days sometimes and so does my son. To realize this is important for me. To realize that every day is different and there is no routine.

I am building a foundation with my son here and now. I love having all this time with him. This feeling we have most days, excitement, learning and magic – all of this is there. I try to teach him on a daily basis how important positivity, acceptance and the freedom to be whoever he wants to be is. I do not think this is too early. He has this phase now where he throws things when he cannot figure our how to put them together. A crazy learning experience for this little guy but I try to guide him through. Screaming and throwing things just because he cannot put them together does not work. Not for him – not for us either.

And I cannot change the fact that all this goes on and on and on until one day I wake up and my son is no longer a baby but grown. And I believe he will take all I taught him with him, all packed up nicely in his mind and brain with little labels on these packages. I believe that if I am doing my best and if I am a lucky that the feeling I have now with flourish into the defining themes of his childhood which are acceptance, fun (a lot of it), trust and of course tons of love.

I just keep on what I am doing and I hope my son will always feel this great unconditional love my husband and I have for him and for each other.  And if there are these days my son might feel anything but love, I hope that all those feelings I try to put in him will rise up like a safety net, catching him wherever he may be and remind him of where he comes from and that no matter what, our love always has been there and will never stop.

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