.SOMETIMES RAW.

It is Thursday, or Friday? I don’t know. I have been traveling with my family for the past four weeks and lost track of date and time. I am sitting here in our kitchen back home after another awesome day spent at the beach, with good food and lots of reading and books. Our son is sleeping – totally exhausted of running around at the bookstore and beach. Next to me is a big glass of water and I am enjoying the silence that goes with this beautiful moment and evening. Cicadas playing their little song in the backyard – quietness otherwise. This is my favorite time of the day. Reflecting on the day, me-time, reading, writing and simply enjoying that there is no hustle.

So what comes to my mind first? Happiness. How fortunate I am to live this life – right here – right  now. The previous three weeks spent in Martinique were one thing that I scratched off my bucket list just now. Also swimming with turtles in the ocean which literally made me cry. Jean and I had a long talk the other night about what makes us/you really happy and that this kind of life we are living makes us feel alive. This craziness, the traveling, sometimes uncertainties, the exploring and of course when life throws you a curveball to figure out how to solve the situation without freaking out – all those things.

When I look at our son I know what makes him really happy. He wants to run outside, explore, play. So we just do it; it is just that simple. And looking at my own life this way is actually what I try to do. Sometimes it is awesome to just get up and play. Well I have not always been this way. Many times in my life I simply chose to be around things and people or do things that did not make me happy or did not add anything positive to the bigger picture. I would do the same thing over and over (expecting a different result) and asking myself why this is not working. Now I ask myself what would make me happy and then I do it or figure out a way to get there. Simple as that. For me this happiness thing has been a long hard struggle. Many times I “thought” I was happy but isn’t it more about wholeness than being happy? Does what I am doing right here right now add to my wholeness? Does it add to the bigger picture of my experiences or my life?

What makes me feel alive? Definitely my family. Always has been – always will be. Being with them and traveling, sharing new experiences and this first excitement of exploring something new like this recent vacation to Martinique  is just what I live for. This pleasant feeling of waking up next to my husband, and feeling safe, knowing my son sleeps safe and sound in the next room – this is happiness. Of course the sound of the waves ten meters away from the bedroom was awesome as well. Or as simple as sitting in the kitchen together and just being in my husbands accepting, magical presence while he tries to solve some weird medal- ring- puzzle- something. Add a good book (currently I am reading Joan Didion’s “The year of magical thinking” and the “Journals of Sylvia Plath” by Sylvia Plath). Add a good meal: wine and some cheese and of course writing.

The other day I was complaining about something – not sure what but it was something silly. My husband tells me I should just spend that energy working to change the situation instead of keep complaining about it. I thought about my life and that I really needed this advice many times before. And if I look at my life – just the way it is now – there is no reason for me to complain about anything. Life is not simple – this is clear. Life is magical. I make the best out of it because I only have this one shot.  Sometimes when I just take a step back I can see everything clearer. Today I worked on my wholeness. Little steps, and this is where I begin.

“We have a tendency to want the other person to be a finished product while we give ourselves the grace to evolve.” – T.D. Jakes

These days I feel writing comes to me very easily. It is just fun to share my thoughts and grow throughout this experience. Writing for me is fun and exciting. Exploring new territories. I have been thinking about time and its passing a lot recently. I think I am just prone to feeling sad sometimes thinking that time is slipping through my fingers and I cannot stop it. I love documenting thoughts, changes and special moments in my life and focusing on the here and now rather than feeling sad about the past. When I spend time with my family for example and we enjoy a beautiful day together I used to get sad that this day is over soon. This will end. This special feeling of this particular day will last as long as I want it to be though. I have these memories in my heart and they stay there ready to be taken out once in a while to make me feel happy. 😀

These days I am slowly learning more and more about myself. I am opening up.  I am learning to realize who I am or at least who I might become if I am open for it. More important it is for me that I am beginning to truly accept myself. Me and Her – my soul. (Diving deep)

I am feeling good about myself – about the choices I make and who I am. Without having to say I am sorry for anything. I am changing. Maybe this is what it is all about. These changes I am going through when I am looking at successful or failed friendships, the way my life has moved on and changed me into a better version of myself, my insecurities I exhibit – like life ebbed and flowed. Slowly and steady.

I stand in the middle of a field full of flowers looking at myself – like a twin. It feels good to be here, to view myself clearly and actually like who and what I see. Sometimes I am trying to see myself through my husband’s or my son’s eyes.  What a gift both of my men have given me – both have taught me that it is important to see myself not through fear or self-doubt but through unconditional love. I am very grateful for that.

So, I know I am the architect of my own reality. I and only I create the rules. And to be able to do that I have to love myself. I had a great talk tonight with some friends about living life. How people choose to do this and that and are okay with it. Some love to have their little house somewhere close to their parents’ house and this is okay too. It is important to allow others to be exactly who they want to be and to do whatever makes them happy. I know that nobody is perfect. I have to realize that when someone is doing something oh so different from what I am doing (clothing, make-up, life choices you name it) all I should think is “GOOD FOR YOU!” It does not really concern me. If you are happy – great!

I get the feeling recently that the more positive I become the more it lifts people up. I am working on seeing the good in everyone. (Okay, this is tough sometimes but life is tough and I give it a try regardless). I want to forgive and move on and strive to be a little light out there maybe to help others? Maybe to give others some food for thought? To just accept that all people are different and to meet new people, things (Hello, Martinique and new life ahead) and ideas with curiosity rather than judgement. (Jean will love this)

As I wrote before, life is not easy. To accomplish all this takes time. We are all judgmental at times. The whole point here is that I am trying to get better at this. To just try to understand and stop gossiping about stuff and have other mean thoughts. In the end it gets me nowhere but makes myself miserable. And in a way, why do I gossip? The answer: Because I am feeling unsure and insecure about my own self so I try to point out the mistakes, flaws and “weird things” I see in others so my own mistakes and flaws are not too heavy or obvious. 😀

I think we are all constantly moving or evolving and are trying to grown and change a tiny bit closer to the best version of what we envision for ourself. Whatever that might be. If I listen deep within I know the answers are already there.

“I never lose. I either win or I learn.” 

There is a new season of my life approaching. Major things will change. It will be busy. I am certainly not the type of person who ever wants to be too busy or stressed out and wear any type of busyness-label. Been there done that. This new kind of busy is a good one however. It is full of positive changes. Changes for our family. My husband will be transferred to Congo soon. I am looking forward to spending more time with him, getting things done together again, just simply chugging along in our  little orbits as we used to.

Looking back, this previous year and a half was an awesome experience. It made me gain more wisdom and knowledge. This tiny bit of time we really had together as a family throughout this time is one of so many parts of life I will look back on with such fondness. Every time we have seen each other again after four or five weeks apart was very special. It seems like a first date every time. So bittersweet.

I have been thinking lately how precious all of these parts of my life really are. We only get that many summers together as a couple with our son at every stage in life so I feel really protective over every minute and second and hour. Time flies. Today for example by itself was so precious even though we did nothing major. My brother was here from Stuttgart and we spent the day outside in the sun. No big thing, but I am aware that this will be the only 28th June 2015 I will ever have with my brother at 28 years old and my son at 1 1/2 years old. Even though we were sitting outside all day long doing nothing special, I cherish that simple little bit, because this is all I will ever get out of this past day, my family, just the way it is – right there. My family – my heart. <3

As my son changes and grows into an older and bigger person, I am learning that this part of me that gets sad over change all the time is actually slowly beginning to see that there is even more excitement to these changes. I love my brother to death but I have to realize that he is no longer this little tiny guy I played with. He has grown up into a very handsome man and does his own thing. He lives and enjoys his life. We all have to do our own thing! All the good things to come, the new exciting adventures, the next things to happen.

In all this thinking I am growing  and I am learning to let life just continue on its way and just be able to enjoy the ride. I have nothing to lose. I have realized so far that writing all this down has become the biggest teacher in my life. All these changes in my life so far, all I have learned, all the mistakes I have made – there is no regret; it is just fascinating in a self-centered way. It is just amazing to see myself grow mentally and spiritually and change throughout all these years.

Here I am now. Hopefully 34 years in two weeks, a mom of the most handsome boy I can ever imagine and a stay-at home mom for now.  Sometimes in life that’s just what we have and get. Change! Routine is nice for many people. Doing the same exact thing over and over. But I simply cannot do it. I need change. I want to take this step into uncertainty and learn to grab for another ladder to show me new ways and steps. Open my horizon and perspective. And yes, I want to go on a Safari. 😀

Many times my plate was not full and I was searching to find what belonged but then there were times where I have found this particular plate to overflow but with all the wrong things. With all these changes that will be in my life soon I can just happily look back and say simply “yes, this is just right, this just feels right,” and enjoy this full plate, full of love and family and change, and growth and this special kind of uncertainty that makes everything sparkle with fulfillment.