.SOMETIMES RAW.

“I never lose. I either win or I learn.” 

There is a new season of my life approaching. Major things will change. It will be busy. I am certainly not the type of person who ever wants to be too busy or stressed out and wear any type of busyness-label. Been there done that. This new kind of busy is a good one however. It is full of positive changes. Changes for our family. My husband will be transferred to Congo soon. I am looking forward to spending more time with him, getting things done together again, just simply chugging along in our  little orbits as we used to.

Looking back, this previous year and a half was an awesome experience. It made me gain more wisdom and knowledge. This tiny bit of time we really had together as a family throughout this time is one of so many parts of life I will look back on with such fondness. Every time we have seen each other again after four or five weeks apart was very special. It seems like a first date every time. So bittersweet.

I have been thinking lately how precious all of these parts of my life really are. We only get that many summers together as a couple with our son at every stage in life so I feel really protective over every minute and second and hour. Time flies. Today for example by itself was so precious even though we did nothing major. My brother was here from Stuttgart and we spent the day outside in the sun. No big thing, but I am aware that this will be the only 28th June 2015 I will ever have with my brother at 28 years old and my son at 1 1/2 years old. Even though we were sitting outside all day long doing nothing special, I cherish that simple little bit, because this is all I will ever get out of this past day, my family, just the way it is – right there. My family – my heart. <3

As my son changes and grows into an older and bigger person, I am learning that this part of me that gets sad over change all the time is actually slowly beginning to see that there is even more excitement to these changes. I love my brother to death but I have to realize that he is no longer this little tiny guy I played with. He has grown up into a very handsome man and does his own thing. He lives and enjoys his life. We all have to do our own thing! All the good things to come, the new exciting adventures, the next things to happen.

In all this thinking I am growing  and I am learning to let life just continue on its way and just be able to enjoy the ride. I have nothing to lose. I have realized so far that writing all this down has become the biggest teacher in my life. All these changes in my life so far, all I have learned, all the mistakes I have made – there is no regret; it is just fascinating in a self-centered way. It is just amazing to see myself grow mentally and spiritually and change throughout all these years.

Here I am now. Hopefully 34 years in two weeks, a mom of the most handsome boy I can ever imagine and a stay-at home mom for now.  Sometimes in life that’s just what we have and get. Change! Routine is nice for many people. Doing the same exact thing over and over. But I simply cannot do it. I need change. I want to take this step into uncertainty and learn to grab for another ladder to show me new ways and steps. Open my horizon and perspective. And yes, I want to go on a Safari. 😀

Many times my plate was not full and I was searching to find what belonged but then there were times where I have found this particular plate to overflow but with all the wrong things. With all these changes that will be in my life soon I can just happily look back and say simply “yes, this is just right, this just feels right,” and enjoy this full plate, full of love and family and change, and growth and this special kind of uncertainty that makes everything sparkle with fulfillment.

“Like as the waves make towards the pebbl’d shore, so do our minutes, hasten to their end.” – William Shakespeare

Have you ever looked at your watch and wondered where the day went? This happens to me all the time. Time! What is time? Usually we are always in a rush. I have written to a friend of mine today and she told me how busy she is doing this and that and having no time really do all her work she needs or wants to do. Then sometimes at work  she looks at the clock and realizes that it is late afternoon or early evening and she is still in the office. Often I hear people say that they will do “this and that” to save time. Well, you cannot “save” time I think. You cannot just hit “pause”, do our tasks while everybody else stops as well until you are are ready to continue and join the world again.

I thought many times how awesome it would be to just stop time for a while. Imagine how much I could get done! Well, in any case as mentioned we cannot save time but we can use time or properly utilize it. I do not think about time as long as I am okay usually. Until something gives me a sharp reminder or kicks me in the back to remind me of my fragile human life. Today I have been at the doctors office. He could have told me anything .. he found something… I am not healthy, I need this and that treatment. Well it turned out I am okay. This is awesome! I can still play along. 😀

It is increasingly difficult to shut off in a world like this. We are connected 24/7, we have emails, smart phones, Whatsapp, Facebook you name it. So how do we find balance, how do we find actual human interaction as well as time for ourselves? What I have learned so far is that it is important to  simply be in the present moment. Meditation has helped me a lot to figure all this out. Meditation stills the mind and brings presence.

I have read a great book recently. It is by Eckhart Tolle called “The Power Of Now”. He describes that we have this constant mental chatter within us,  however, we can learn to switch it off by simply allowing us to be present or just to focus on the moment. The past and future have just not bearing on the now. Who cares what happened in the past. It is gone. We cannot turn back time. We just have to move on. Even if it is difficult sometimes.

One way I can experience presence is when I am just doing ONE thing. Like watching a sunset or playing with my son for example. Or mediation. I am focusing on  the task and activity. Nothing else. So why can’t I always be in this present stage? Every minute, every hour of everyday? Well, there are always things going on. There is no routine. Things change. We have to adapt. I am rather reading instead of watching TV. I am reading a lot to my son. I find my presence there while reading. And guess what? My son KNOWS and FEELS when I am present or not. When I have a ton on my mind or I am doing ten things at the same time he is all confused and is annoying and stressed out himself. Like me. Same thing. Kids feel the restlessness and stress. Always!

I am not really planning anything major (this is husband’s territory), however, I am planning my next weekend for example or my next day even asking myself what I would do today if it was the last day of my life. Whatever the answer is, this is what I should be doing. And I try to apply this to everything in my life. Vacations, my time with my precious family and everything else in my life. I do not think it is important to focus on the fact that I will die at some point (hopefully in the distant future), but rather to appreciate and accept my time on this planet as finite. I have to ensure that I focus on what is important rather than on what is most often unimportant or “urgent”. Maybe at some point science will find a way to manipulate time and make it slow down or explain relativistic time better – I just do not want to waste time waiting for this to happen.

“Feelings are much like waves, we cannot stop them form coming but we can choose which one to surf.” 

These days I am all all about thinking and figuring things out. On how so many tiny moments roll into overarching feelings that define stages and seasons of our lives. Every morning when I wake up and I am getting ready for the day I think it is weird sometimes how I will not remember this particular morning but I will remember this feeling of morning. And I think of my childhood for example in the same way. I had an awesome childhood I must say. I cannot remember everyday but I just have an intense feeling of happiness thinking of it. I just skyped with my brother for 3 hours and 15 minutes. (Whaaaat?!) We have been talking about so many things – also how we felt as kids when we grew up. These feelings of safety and fun, also fighting, being scared… but we realized that it was all good. This safety net is so important to me. To have my “home base”, my family, my siblings. I want my son to have the same feeling and security.

My son might not remember me sitting with him every night before he goes to bed reading books but I believe he will remember this feeling. This feeling of security and love because it all rolls together, every single day. Same with our every day stuff we do. Walks to the post office, our little picnics – just him and myself, this way my son and I kind of feel each other when we lay on the couch together. I believe it is important to have this bond with him.  To give this feeling that I am there for him no matter what. “It is not what I do every once in a while that is my life. It is what I do everyday. ” (I think there was a saying like that as well hahahaha)

This also applies for the bad days. Yes, there are bad days. Of course there are! These are the special days. When I feel nothing goes right from the first step out of bed. Bad night, I lose my temper or feel uninspired, frustrated or use “Maisy Mouse” on YOUTUBE  to fill our time. This is normal. I have bad days sometimes and so does my son. To realize this is important for me. To realize that every day is different and there is no routine.

I am building a foundation with my son here and now. I love having all this time with him. This feeling we have most days, excitement, learning and magic – all of this is there. I try to teach him on a daily basis how important positivity, acceptance and the freedom to be whoever he wants to be is. I do not think this is too early. He has this phase now where he throws things when he cannot figure our how to put them together. A crazy learning experience for this little guy but I try to guide him through. Screaming and throwing things just because he cannot put them together does not work. Not for him – not for us either.

And I cannot change the fact that all this goes on and on and on until one day I wake up and my son is no longer a baby but grown. And I believe he will take all I taught him with him, all packed up nicely in his mind and brain with little labels on these packages. I believe that if I am doing my best and if I am a lucky that the feeling I have now with flourish into the defining themes of his childhood which are acceptance, fun (a lot of it), trust and of course tons of love.

I just keep on what I am doing and I hope my son will always feel this great unconditional love my husband and I have for him and for each other.  And if there are these days my son might feel anything but love, I hope that all those feelings I try to put in him will rise up like a safety net, catching him wherever he may be and remind him of where he comes from and that no matter what, our love always has been there and will never stop.