.SOMETIMES RAW.

“You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him/it drink it.”

Hi There. 

I don’ want to get off on a rant here but I want to talk about family members today. Nobody and nothing is perfect. Every family has their ups and downs. There are always challenges and disagreements. Every family has one or even more members who they, for whatever reason, do not get along with. Some members in my family think I am arrogant, don’t like me for X, Y and Z, think that I think I am something better or I simply said something that I thought was okay but apparently it was not. And instead of talking about it, there is just silence. I have been accused of a bunch of things too. Like I should socialize my son and put him in a Kindergarden already. Or, that I have not achieved anything in my life because I still lived at my parent’s house when I was 35 years-old. I am not even going to justify anything here. I know what I did, what really took place and why certain situations happened this way. Things have been said. Hurtful things. Language is a powerful tool. Or then again, nothing has been said. Which is, in a way, worse. When I did something bad and my mom was really angry, she did not scream and yell. She did not speak to me or my siblings anymore for a while. This was hell. Seriously. I hated it so much.  

Growing up at my parent’s house was 95% fun, tons of laughter and joy. I seriously had the best childhood ever. Love you, Mom and Dad! However, some times I do not want to remember. A lot of name calling, screaming, rejection -mostly among two siblings. Many times, I did not know where this temper, explosions, rage, uncertainties, self-doubt or even lack of self-confidence came/comes from. As a child, I did not really understand how inappropriate many of these fights and arguments were. But I grew up. I learned. Some family members did not however. I really wanted this to stop. What a waste of time to constantly argue; watch what you say because the family member could get offended, angry or challenged.  

Let this sink in for a minute. 

Just a couple of years ago, I was not able to deal with any type of unacceptable treatment. Now, since I am older and wiser,  I see things a bit more clearly and I am able to even repair certain relationships and connections I have had trouble with. Distance was key but also in a way counterproductive because years of fighting, arguing and having this “fake friendship” just did not fix what was broken a long time ago. To make this all work and reconnect, everybody has to change their behavior a bit. These days, my relationship with some family members is on ice. Upon asking if everything is okay, I of course get an answer, but not like it used to be. 

I always believed, family means everything. This is where you get your strength and security; it is home base. I realized in a sad way, that this is not the case. And that some family members are just too difficult to deal with, or mean, pull me down, destructive and somewhat controlling. Small issues, like political choices or religion, I just don’t even bother anymore. I just smile politely and let it go. I am talking about when family members are just toxic and consistently harm others emotionally. Physically is of course also an option but not in my case. What I learned is, that just because someone is a family member does NOT make this behavior acceptable. You know what is more important than anything else? My personal emotional well-being and my health. Without those, I am lost. And who wants to spend time with someone who has no self-confidence or low self-esteem and pulls you down, is angry or has bad temper constantly, takes advantage of you (money, time whatever), manipulates, takes no responsibilities for their actions or blames you for their problems? Or, if you cannot be yourself whenever they are around because you have to act according to what they like, what they want to hear. 

So, long story short: I know I cannot control the other person, I can just control my actions and response towards them. I just have to set clear boundaries because some things that have been said are just unacceptable and I don’t want to be treated this way.  Some family members have problems to stand up for themselves and are not honest about their expectations or needs. Or they are just quiet and don’t say anything about it. This way, I don’t even know what I actually did or said that offended them. I just don’t make excuses for anybody anymore. Everybody is responsible for their own choices in life and the resulting actions. Simple as that. And by making excuses, their “bad behavior” just continues because I support it in some way. I acknowledge their behavior however; because nobody is perfect. Their circumstances in life, lack of knowledge and skills had brought them to this point in their life. And again, everybody can make personal and life changes anytime. If they want to. 

Finally,  if nothing else works, I have to cut this/these particular family members out. Completely. Is it nice? No, because it is family. But it is necessary if I get more pain than joy out of a relationship. All I want is respect, trust and honesty. It is not asking for a lot, but for some people this all means nothing because they have “their real friends” who they can trust.  

Is it possible to repair a relationship after a long time of no contact? It is difficult, but not impossible if both sides agree to it and are willing to work on it. I also know, that these particular family members love me – deep inside; maybe it is just some life skills they are lacking, I don’t really know. 

Do you have a “toxic” family member who you cannot deal with? How do you handle the situation? I would love to hear from you. 

Who said that?! Theodore Roosevelt. You did not know? Well, guess what! You just learned something. “How come she knows that and I don’t,” you might ask. I just read it somewhere a long time ago and it is stuck in my head ever since. This does not mean you are not “good enough” however. I don’t have self-doubt that I won’t be able to finish the Master in Linguistics and the papers or write some complete garbage thesis that nobody is able to understand. But honestly, listening to some native speaking students in my class who just finished their Bachelor in Linguistics, I am in awe on how well they can communicate. Well, it is their mother tongue and I am a lot better in German than in English; however, I want to improve my English skills and this is why I decided to write this blog in English. 

Also, I spoke briefly to another student during a little break we had throughout one of my three hour classes. He told me about philosophy, that this Master is his third one and he also finished three Bachelors and is currently working on his PhD. Now what? Do I meet the expectations my professors have? Will I be good enough to pass this class listening to what others have done already? “How good their English (language) is and I have to read some sentences twice or three times,” I thought and happened to say this out loud too while walking back to the classroom. Digging a little deeper after the second class, I have spoken to this classmates again who is “perfect” in my opinion. He knows it all. He knows about politics – everything that goes on in the world literally, is well-read and can comment on anything anybody says in class. Digging a little deeper, I found out that he has no self-confidence at all. He thinks that he will never pass this class. That he will never meet the professor’s expectations and that he won’t be able to keep up with all the readings. He worries that he will be left behind because he thinks he is not as good as everybody else. 

“Okay,” I thought. “WHY would you be worried,” I asked him and hoped for a convincing answer. He told me that all his constant achievements make him feel weird and that something will happen in this course. He will fail. His papers won’t be as good as everything else he already PUBLISHED. And what really threw me off was when he said,”what will everybody else think of me if I fail? My parents? And how will I feel if I fail?” [This student is 28 years-old!] I told him that he should not care what other people think or say about him anyway but he was devastated. It is okay, not to be perfect. Even though, in my eyes, he is. At least academically. “If anyone should worry, it is me. English is not even my mother tongue,” I said while we sipped our lattes and ate our pumpkin muffins. 

I remember when I started working at the United Nations and everything was in English. I was worried that I won’t understand what my colleagues say on the radio. How I will purchase things in a store. It was tough but I did it. Language is everything; this is why I study it. I want to find out more. Not necessarily speak ten different languages, but  more on how it all works together so smoothly. Language and behavior, speech therapy, Forensic Linguistics and how everybody finds a little place in society by the language they speak. Every beginning is hard or tough. Even though I picked up English pretty easily, it was still not easy. Everything takes time. Sometimes a long time. I remind myself that I start with the basics first, and I will work my way up. It is all a progress and some classes will be harder and more difficult to master than others. I am also not 28 and have no other responsibilities than studying. Petit Joel is around and everything else I need to take care of while le husband is on mission. I am pretty good with my time management at this point. We have established some sort of routine. Petit Joel cannot ever be sick on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays though. Or Tuesdays and Thursdays, hah! 

I know I can do this and so much more. I am admiring my professors and what they accomplished. But I am also realistic. They did not get this position over night. They worked really hard to achieve this advanced level of eduction, together with years of determination and practice. It is great to be exceptional. And if I want to be in this position, I will work for it. Can I ever be like those professors? Who cares. Maybe. I am me, myself and I and it is okay. And maybe some people say, “damn, I want to do what you are doing.” Get up and do it. 

Hi out there!

So, University has started as well as preschool for Petit Joel. We are still in the first week of adjusting, both of us indeed. It is a major change. Especially when they told me at the Graduate Orientation that I have to take a class that is only taught in the evening. No problem really; only if you have a child and no husband or family around. Duh! I desperately search for a babysitter in one day and with the help from a friend in class, I found someone to take care of Petit Joel. Needless to say, she did an awesome job. It is almost like having a grandma at home. So sweet and caring. Defiantly babysitter-jackpot here. She will be back next Wednesday! And I was so worried. “Will he be okay? Will he cry? Will he miss me?” It was the first time ever to have someone else in our house to take care of Petit Joel which was weird in a way. And he cried in the beginning screaming for me while I walked down the road. It did hurt, I won’t sugarcoat anything here. I heard him screaming,”I want my mommy, please!” which made me almost turn around. Motherhood is a bitch! I did not turn around. [I don’t want him to live in my basement at age 40 and play playstation. Eventually, he has to go to preschool and do his own thing!] As much as I love to have him at home, it feels so nice to have some free time. Running around Campus is the best, you guys. I highly recommend it. If you are passionate about something and it includes studying, do it. Don’t wait. 

Otherwise, he is doing really well at Preschool. He is still the tiniest in the group but holding up to the bigger guys like a pro. Making puzzles, painting and drawing, listening to stories and finally eating lunch there. I am so proud of him. It was all in all quite a big transition for him, too. Petit Joel was used to me, my cooking, my family and hanging around us all day long. Now he has to adjust, listen, obey sometimes and learn to share. I had a little meltdown this morning when he did not want to leave my leg and wanted me to stay with him. Out of a sudden, I had this feeling that something was in my eyes and the preschool teacher told me to just hand him over and leave. “Just leave,” she said. “We got this”. And she was right. No problems at all. He stopped crying, adjusted and played with the other kids. And he ate two plates of noodles and chicken for lunch. Awesomeness. Tomorrow he will stay for nap time and I will pick him up after my class finishes. So approximately 3 – 4 pm. I try to get some more readings done and keep him at the daycare. 

The weekend is around the corner so tons of time at the playground and together so I try to get as much work done during the week as possible. I love this Master Program. It is challenging but so worth it if you love languages. I don’t want to talk about what it is all about here but if you want to know more or how to apply to this program, send me and email or write a comment below. 

Today, I had been reminded of one life lesson again. Life is hard. Life can be tough, messy, raw and sometimes it just suck; but it is beautiful. Whenever I negatively think, it cannot get worse, it will get worse. Something else will come up or an emergency light will pop up on the dashboard of the car. Why? Just because. This is life.Deal with it. Figure it out. Fix it. Whatever you need to do. As long as you are healthy it is all good. Who cares about a little dashboard “refill some-stuff immediately-light” as long as you did not have an accident and you are okay? Just find solutions instead of whining about how bad your life and situation is. There are always solutions out there. Just find them. This is in a way le husband talks because he usually reminds me of those things whenever I am struggling. He is awesome, I know. Today was tough, today was painful so I thank him for being him, making all this possible for us and loving me unconditionally as much as I love him. Signing off now. Tomorrow: Preschool for Petit Joel and class for me at 8.30am. 😉 The early bird catches the worm, right?