“You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him/it drink it.”
Hi There.
I don’ want to get off on a rant here but I want to talk about family members today. Nobody and nothing is perfect. Every family has their ups and downs. There are always challenges and disagreements. Every family has one or even more members who they, for whatever reason, do not get along with. Some members in my family think I am arrogant, don’t like me for X, Y and Z, think that I think I am something better or I simply said something that I thought was okay but apparently it was not. And instead of talking about it, there is just silence. I have been accused of a bunch of things too. Like I should socialize my son and put him in a Kindergarden already. Or, that I have not achieved anything in my life because I still lived at my parent’s house when I was 35 years-old. I am not even going to justify anything here. I know what I did, what really took place and why certain situations happened this way. Things have been said. Hurtful things. Language is a powerful tool. Or then again, nothing has been said. Which is, in a way, worse. When I did something bad and my mom was really angry, she did not scream and yell. She did not speak to me or my siblings anymore for a while. This was hell. Seriously. I hated it so much.
Growing up at my parent’s house was 95% fun, tons of laughter and joy. I seriously had the best childhood ever. Love you, Mom and Dad! However, some times I do not want to remember. A lot of name calling, screaming, rejection -mostly among two siblings. Many times, I did not know where this temper, explosions, rage, uncertainties, self-doubt or even lack of self-confidence came/comes from. As a child, I did not really understand how inappropriate many of these fights and arguments were. But I grew up. I learned. Some family members did not however. I really wanted this to stop. What a waste of time to constantly argue; watch what you say because the family member could get offended, angry or challenged.
Let this sink in for a minute.
Just a couple of years ago, I was not able to deal with any type of unacceptable treatment. Now, since I am older and wiser, I see things a bit more clearly and I am able to even repair certain relationships and connections I have had trouble with. Distance was key but also in a way counterproductive because years of fighting, arguing and having this “fake friendship” just did not fix what was broken a long time ago. To make this all work and reconnect, everybody has to change their behavior a bit. These days, my relationship with some family members is on ice. Upon asking if everything is okay, I of course get an answer, but not like it used to be.
I always believed, family means everything. This is where you get your strength and security; it is home base. I realized in a sad way, that this is not the case. And that some family members are just too difficult to deal with, or mean, pull me down, destructive and somewhat controlling. Small issues, like political choices or religion, I just don’t even bother anymore. I just smile politely and let it go. I am talking about when family members are just toxic and consistently harm others emotionally. Physically is of course also an option but not in my case. What I learned is, that just because someone is a family member does NOT make this behavior acceptable. You know what is more important than anything else? My personal emotional well-being and my health. Without those, I am lost. And who wants to spend time with someone who has no self-confidence or low self-esteem and pulls you down, is angry or has bad temper constantly, takes advantage of you (money, time whatever), manipulates, takes no responsibilities for their actions or blames you for their problems? Or, if you cannot be yourself whenever they are around because you have to act according to what they like, what they want to hear.
So, long story short: I know I cannot control the other person, I can just control my actions and response towards them. I just have to set clear boundaries because some things that have been said are just unacceptable and I don’t want to be treated this way. Some family members have problems to stand up for themselves and are not honest about their expectations or needs. Or they are just quiet and don’t say anything about it. This way, I don’t even know what I actually did or said that offended them. I just don’t make excuses for anybody anymore. Everybody is responsible for their own choices in life and the resulting actions. Simple as that. And by making excuses, their “bad behavior” just continues because I support it in some way. I acknowledge their behavior however; because nobody is perfect. Their circumstances in life, lack of knowledge and skills had brought them to this point in their life. And again, everybody can make personal and life changes anytime. If they want to.
Finally, if nothing else works, I have to cut this/these particular family members out. Completely. Is it nice? No, because it is family. But it is necessary if I get more pain than joy out of a relationship. All I want is respect, trust and honesty. It is not asking for a lot, but for some people this all means nothing because they have “their real friends” who they can trust.
Is it possible to repair a relationship after a long time of no contact? It is difficult, but not impossible if both sides agree to it and are willing to work on it. I also know, that these particular family members love me – deep inside; maybe it is just some life skills they are lacking, I don’t really know.
Do you have a “toxic” family member who you cannot deal with? How do you handle the situation? I would love to hear from you.
