Who said that?! Theodore Roosevelt. You did not know? Well, guess what! You just learned something. “How come she knows that and I don’t,” you might ask. I just read it somewhere a long time ago and it is stuck in my head ever since. This does not mean you are not “good enough” however. I don’t have self-doubt that I won’t be able to finish the Master in Linguistics and the papers or write some complete garbage thesis that nobody is able to understand. But honestly, listening to some native speaking students in my class who just finished their Bachelor in Linguistics, I am in awe on how well they can communicate. Well, it is their mother tongue and I am a lot better in German than in English; however, I want to improve my English skills and this is why I decided to write this blog in English.
Also, I spoke briefly to another student during a little break we had throughout one of my three hour classes. He told me about philosophy, that this Master is his third one and he also finished three Bachelors and is currently working on his PhD. Now what? Do I meet the expectations my professors have? Will I be good enough to pass this class listening to what others have done already? “How good their English (language) is and I have to read some sentences twice or three times,” I thought and happened to say this out loud too while walking back to the classroom. Digging a little deeper after the second class, I have spoken to this classmates again who is “perfect” in my opinion. He knows it all. He knows about politics – everything that goes on in the world literally, is well-read and can comment on anything anybody says in class. Digging a little deeper, I found out that he has no self-confidence at all. He thinks that he will never pass this class. That he will never meet the professor’s expectations and that he won’t be able to keep up with all the readings. He worries that he will be left behind because he thinks he is not as good as everybody else.
“Okay,” I thought. “WHY would you be worried,” I asked him and hoped for a convincing answer. He told me that all his constant achievements make him feel weird and that something will happen in this course. He will fail. His papers won’t be as good as everything else he already PUBLISHED. And what really threw me off was when he said,”what will everybody else think of me if I fail? My parents? And how will I feel if I fail?” [This student is 28 years-old!] I told him that he should not care what other people think or say about him anyway but he was devastated. It is okay, not to be perfect. Even though, in my eyes, he is. At least academically. “If anyone should worry, it is me. English is not even my mother tongue,” I said while we sipped our lattes and ate our pumpkin muffins.
I remember when I started working at the United Nations and everything was in English. I was worried that I won’t understand what my colleagues say on the radio. How I will purchase things in a store. It was tough but I did it. Language is everything; this is why I study it. I want to find out more. Not necessarily speak ten different languages, but more on how it all works together so smoothly. Language and behavior, speech therapy, Forensic Linguistics and how everybody finds a little place in society by the language they speak. Every beginning is hard or tough. Even though I picked up English pretty easily, it was still not easy. Everything takes time. Sometimes a long time. I remind myself that I start with the basics first, and I will work my way up. It is all a progress and some classes will be harder and more difficult to master than others. I am also not 28 and have no other responsibilities than studying. Petit Joel is around and everything else I need to take care of while le husband is on mission. I am pretty good with my time management at this point. We have established some sort of routine. Petit Joel cannot ever be sick on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays though. Or Tuesdays and Thursdays, hah!
I know I can do this and so much more. I am admiring my professors and what they accomplished. But I am also realistic. They did not get this position over night. They worked really hard to achieve this advanced level of eduction, together with years of determination and practice. It is great to be exceptional. And if I want to be in this position, I will work for it. Can I ever be like those professors? Who cares. Maybe. I am me, myself and I and it is okay. And maybe some people say, “damn, I want to do what you are doing.” Get up and do it.
