.SOMETIMES RAW.

I believe the better the friend, the messier my house will be when she/he leaves.

I believe in listening to a taxi driver (in Vienna) tell me about his runaway daughter, four ex-wives, getting punched in the face last night, and being shot at on three separate occasions, in the time it takes to take me home.

I believe in what goes around comes around, reincarnation, and time travel. And Spiderman.

I believe there should be etiquette manuals called “Don’t wear fishnets stockings to a funeral”.

I believe in a Pulitzer Prize for swearing.

I believe in my brother who can fly a plane to get himself, my son and I safely from Vienna to Bavaria. I will take a parachute though. And a bat-suit for my son…. because it looks cool when we are all going down. 🙂

I believe that my brother will get super pissed about this but we will try to smuggle it on board. And of course we will cheat on the weight scale…..

I believe that instead of the superpower of flight or invisibility, I would like the ability to pick a ripe pear or honey melon.

I believe in buying the next size up because I was not put on this earth to fit into or restrain the largeness of my life.

Nor was I put on this earth to scroll my birth year like a Price is Right wheel, or remember what it was like to be your age.

No, I don’t want to talk to you on the phone while you talk to the barista; or text you when I get there; or wait for you on the corner that’s near there because I am not a prostitute.

I don’t want to grab anything by the horns, or keep it real.

I believe that nothing ages you more than shushing a room.

I believe in myself. I believe I should have put this first on the list.

I believe in a barfing cat home alarm instead of a barking dog.

I believe in emojis like peaches, the eyeroll one, the swear one, and the palm against forehead.

I believe in hole-punching divorce papers to make confetti.

I believe the new corona book clubs are robotic floor cleaner races (all fully vaccinated of course because of the terribly dangerous Delta mutation…… #eyerollemoji)

I believe in being positive and that mood swings suck.

I believe in the magic of lifelong friends.

I believe in Karma.

I believe that someone who takes a (not in a funny way) full Silence of the Lambs Anthony-Hopkins-through-the-psych-ward-looking-glass look at me is weird.

I believe in getting comfortable at Media Markt and play Nintendo Switch with my son for one hour without buying anything. They (covid-related) removed the massage chairs, goddammit. The little pleasures…..

I believe in playing chess with my son (for hours) without getting too angry when he beats me again.

I believe in a good old prank.

I believe in laughing when others are crying.

I believe in backup plans.

I believe in great sex but have you ever been relieved by a colleague at work and were able to go home?

I believe in fair treatment. Deep down, this must exist.

I believe I can sense certain patterns, selections, or promotions.

I believe in being a grown-ass lady.

I believe in having bad habits.

I believe that young kids are exposed too much to the internet. It is a consuming black hole and parents need to pay attention to this.

I believe that anyone who gives forcefully expressive advice about marriage is heading straight to the divorce court. Marriage is about the dance you do together but so many people are disappointed they are not in a lifelong happy relationship. There is no such thing. There are ups and downs. This is called life.

I believe in making people happy, in telling stories and making people laugh.

I believe being really connected to another person is as good as it gets. Candlelight… sex, all the good stuff.

I believe in love. It does exist.

When I lived in Canada I learned that Canadians apologise for everything. All the time. It is weird to me because Germans are so different. But it triggered this article. Here are some things I heard on a daily basis:

Sorry, I have a question.

Sorry, I am sorry. (Whenever I stood in front of a shelf in a store and couldn’t make a decision but someone wanted to get by)

Sorry, oh, you must be the new client! I am sorry, I am a police officer, not the receptionist. I feel terrible for misleading you, but I cannot get you coffee or give you a foot massage while you wait.

Sorry, but I can never express how I really feel at this place.

Sorry for clocking in three minutes late. I had to drop of my son at school, but then he puked Cocoa Puffs all over my shirts and- I know, I should have just told him not to get sick! It was completely in my control, and I have no excuse. Please don’t fire me.

Sorry about my naturally screechy voice. Feel free to plug your ears whenever I am talking!

Sorry, but from now on you have to address me as Mr. X and not Mrs. Y anymore. Things change. This is the 21st century.

Sorry, I am binary now. I will have my breast surgically removed so nobody knows that I am a woman.

Sorry for my resting bitch face. I know my serious expression is no fun for you to look at. Yes, you are right, I should smile more! Thank you for the advice, male stranger at work.

Sorry I am not wearing makeup today. I look like a total swamp creature. Anyway, ready for this half-marathon on your lunch break?

Hey, sorry to ask, but is this bus seat taken? Also, I apologise that my nine-months-pregnant-with-triplets belly is taking up so much room. Actually, I will just stand. It is fine!

Sorry, can you please stop yelling at me and tell me in a normal tone what I did wrong? Yelling means, you cannot express yourself in a civilised matter.

Sorry, for not realising you are a man.

Sorry, for not realising you are a woman.

Sorry, for not realising you want to be called raccoon.

Sorry, for being the reason the world is coming to an end and another lockdown in around the corner.

Sorry, but this doesn’t make sense to me at all. Why should I stand on a duct-taped cross?

Sorry, that I caught you cheating on me, but its much worse for you because your new girlfriend is screaming at you for cheating.

I am sorry, but I am breaking up with you. I am sorry for ending things now, the moment I realised I no longer loved you, instead of stringing you along just to avoid hurting your feelings.

Sorry, I am not interested in you, creepy guy at Billa – I am in a relationship. Yes, you are absolutely right! I am a nasty person for politely turning you down when I clearly should have prioritised your fragile ego. Let me just break up with my boyfriend real quick, and then you can put your sweaty hands wherever you want.

So sorry, construction workers. As much as I would like to stay and bask in your heartfelt whistling and sexual comments, I really must get going. Apologies if I also involuntarily make a face – you are just being nice, and I cannot take a “nice” compliment about my breasts.

Sorry cabdriver, but me telling you my name does not mean you will get a blow-job.

Sorry, I know it’s really stupid, but can you walk me to my car? Actually, I don’t want to inconvenience you. It’s only 11 pm – I can walk back to the sketchy parking garage by myself.

Sorry, but can you please stop texting and following me? This is creepy.

I am sorry, I should have been more clear last night. Obviously, saying “no” over and over really means “yes”. It is all my fault anyway.

Sorry for apologising so much!

Today is my 40th birthday and I am thrilled. Another year is over and a new chapter opens already. When I commence a new decade in my life, on the one hand, I can view it as meaningless because age is just a number. On the other hand, I can view a number as a marker. Uncertainty means that there is always a blank canvas in front of me and this new year will help me to put a frame around it. 

As much as I want to arrange or plan my life year by year, decade by decade, I am shaped by what happens around me, the opportunities I seize, the people I encounter, the places I stay or leave. Moving into my new year, instead of viewing this decade as a chance to start anew, change or improve, I want to see it as a chance to be here.

I know I might not be able to control all events or the outcome of my efforts, but I can put myself in the world and in the center of life and take note of what I learn along the way. 

Other things I learned in the past year are to hold plans lightly but if the time is right to just go for it because it feels right. Buy don’t rent. 🙂 I am not afraid to experiment and change course if it doesn’t feel right. Sometimes, taking action is more important than figuring out the right decision. It is important to stop letting people tell me who I am. I learned to notice when I am caught up with a fantasy. I learned to understand when it is time to say goodbye and how to “celebrate closure” with very good friends. I learned that my head would say, “it was for the best” but my heart would keep me stuck in the past. I don’t want to miss what is here for me now because I am chasing a fantasy. I learned that if I can’t find the job I want, I have to create it and have backup plans always. I don’t wait anymore for someone to hand me an opportunity because I make it myself. I am not ahead and not behind. I am my own measure. 

I learned that I cannot control how people think of me, so I show up as myself without being fake. I learned that people care less about what I do for a living and more about how I make them feel. I see what I have not done yet as a possibility, not a failure. I know now that everything on my list is a possibility and it is exciting to have ideas and things to look forward to. There are always new opportunities. I learned that even if I thought I have no tears left to cry, there are still more. 

I learned that nobody knows what they are doing. I learned that everybody has sleepless nights, dull days, abandoned projects, new projects that seem not to work out and battles with self-doubt. Everybody struggles. Nothing is perfect. I learned to protect my solitude and alone time. My weaknesses are my strength or in Leonard Cohen words, “There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in”. 

With all this in mind, Happy Birthday to me. Off to new adventures.