Child or Ghost?

This goes out to all my friends with kids or to prepare the ones who are expecting. This is all valuable information I wish I would have known earlier (and would have still gotten pregnant because I would have told everyone that I will do things differently).

Shoes you placed neatly on the shoe rack in the front hall mysteriously appear in the bathtub, stuffed in the soil of a potted plant, or in the drawer underneath the oven.

Answer: Child

Shoes you placed neatly in the shoe rack are mysteriously full of wet sand.

Answer: Most likely child, but could go either way.

Shoes you placed neatly mysteriously turn to piles of wet sand the instant you touch them. But then, seconds later, they appear as they were, and you aren’t sure if it happened at all.

Answer: The ghost.

You hear lout moans coming from somewhere in your house late into the night.

Answer: Could be either.

You hear loud moans coming from somewhere in your house late into the night, the haunting lull of ocean waves, and the faint hum of a sea shanty.

Answer: Still could be either. Who knows what song they teach them in school.

You hear loud moans coming from somewhere in your house late into the night, the haunting lull of ocean waves, the faint hum of sea shanty, and the voice of a woman calling, “Cornelius, will you ever return from the sea?”

Answer: At this point, probably some sea ghost.

You turn away for one second, and when you turn back around, the figure of a person about to throw themselves off the balcony appears out of the corner of your eye.

Answer: Honestly, could be either.

You turn away for one second, and when you turn back around, the figure of a person wearing a long, lace gown and a mourning veil about to throw themselves off the balcony appears out of the corner of your eye.

Answer: Well, that’s the ghost for sure.

You turn away for one second, and when you turn back around, the figure of a person wearing absolutely nothing about to throw themselves off the balcony appear out o the corner of your eyes. How did they manage to get their pants and diaper off? And are they holding your cell phone?

Answer: Child

Suddenly without warning, your pets look around in fear as if they sense a presence coming near them.

Answer: Child

Suddenly without warning, your pets look around in fear as if they sense a presence coming near them, and a disembodied voice whispers, “I vowed never to love again after the cruel sea took Cornelius. Cats became my only companion.”

Answer: Definitely the ghost.

Fruit in your house keeps going bad for no reason.

Answer: Definitely the child if you have a picky eater like I do.

Fruit in your house keeps going bad because you have found 22 blueberries stuffed inside the compartment of a toy garbage truck, a clementine tucked into a doll bed, and half a banana you forgot at the bottom of the diaper bag for the last two weeks.

Answer: Child

You feel sudden ice chill down your body while sitting on the couch.

Answer: Ghost. Or, actually both.

You feel a warm stream go down your body while sitting on the couch.

Answer: Unfortunately, that’s a child with no diaper on.

You enter your kitchen and find all the cabinets thrown open, the drawers pulled out, one of the stove burners on, and the strong smell of saltwater and cod lingering in the air.

Answer: Ghost – no, wait, still the child. He found the cat food container, and how on earth did he manage to open it?

Your lights are always flickering on and off.

Answer: Child who found out about the light switch.

Your lights are always flickering on and off. Projected on your living room wall, you see the silhouette of a schooner slowly sinking into the icy depths of the Norths Atlantic.

Answer: Ghost, and it insists on haunting this house, can it at least make itself useful and clean up all of that sea salt?

You are welcome. If you have any questions regarding how to raise a child, don’t ask me. Then again, most of my friends joked around and gave my son three months with me as a mom. And he will be eight years old next month! Ha! I guess I am doing something right 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.