Me: Where should we eat?
A: I’m happy to go anywhere! Really. I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. Any restaurant you have in mind? Do we need to get tested? Masks? Which kind? One vaccine? Two? Booster shot? Download the app? Social distancing?
Me: Who cares. I’ll go to literally any restaurant in town. Any neighborhood that’s more convenient for you? Any kind of food you’re craving?
A: Nothing in particular. Do you have dietary restrictions?
Me: No, I can eat literally anything. And I’m happy to do it! I can reach inside a trash can, pull out the first thing my hand clutches, and take a big bite of whatever it happens to be, no problem! Are there cuisines we should avoid?
A: No, I enjoy eating every cuisine from every region of every country in the world. At this point, if there were a restaurant that served poison, I would gleefully meet you there if we don’t need a PCR test and 1G, 2G or some other bullshit. Are you in the mood for something specific? Tacos, sushi, pasta — they are all equally appealing. I don’t have a PCR test though. Do you have a specific restaurant in mind that serves tacos, sushi, or pasta? It sounds like you might be thinking of a specific restaurant. I remain 100 percent neutral in the restaurant selection process. I’m just so chill and easygoing that I could genuinely go anywhere. I just need to get the PCR test first. And the antibody test. And a new mask.
Me: Same here. These days, I am equally chill and easygoing. You could take me to a restaurant where the waiters slap you in the face. You could take me to a restaurant that only serves ice cream cones children dropped on the ground. You could take me to a restaurant that’s on Mars and I’d never see my family ever again. Let’s eat at DONTGETTHEJAB. I read great reviews and the food is supposed to be incredible.
A: Is that the restaurant close to where you live? I think they have the 2G or 1G rule now. But you can get in without anything if you whistle the first and last name of the waiter with the dark hair.
Me: Yep. Do you want to try that one? Sounds good.
A: Let’s do it. I am clay at the hands of your restaurant choices. I yield to your dining whims. Mold me. I am yours.
Me: Are we still talking about food? Hey, have you heard about the Mu Mutation of the Corona virus? It is supposed to be incredibly dangerous and contagious. No vaccine on this planet can help you with that shit. But, another lockdown will make things better and will give the experts and scientists time to invent another vaccine quickly. With this one you will be okay until it is time for the 56th mutation of the virus and lockdown 29. But you will get a free bratwurst. This is all insane and makes no sense to me anymore.
A: I am so confused by all this as well. This is way too complicated for my delicate brain. So FFP2 masks again now? This is ridiculous. I want to curl up in fetal position and cry myself to sleep. There is no end to this. Am I depressed?
Me: Should we just go to that spot we always go to? That Asian restaurant?
A: That place sucks.
Me: Hey, you know what? Let’s cook at my place.
A: Great. Like usual. I love how you cook. I will bring the wine.
Me: Sounds great. Come on over. No mask or tests required.