.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hey my friend. Why do you look so frustrated? Oh, it is the pandemic and the dumb new rules. Do not beat yourself up about this. It is totally okay that you snoozed your alarm and slept past 10 am on a Friday. You still did not receive that negative PRC test that is able to reduce your ten! day quarantine to five. Rules over new rules that make absolutely no sense anymore. Lockdown for the unvaccinated, lockdown for everyone, PCR tests for those with a pirate eye patch but they have to wear a blue sweater. In addition, these people have to have one arm on the left side.

Not only is it okay but it is probably for the best if you stay home. Relax. The system wants you to. I am not a doctor, but I have been to one or two before, and if your body needed that rest then it was a hundred per cent the healthy thing to do. You know, I think I read somewhere that some people just aren’t taking too much shit anyway. Like, biologically. Clearly, with these new rules implemented by “experts” you are just wired to stay up until 2 am watching “Working Moms” with your partner and then sleep until lunch. Besides, you really think it would have been better if you showed up to the morning meeting on time? Please. Your are only allowed to if you are vaccinated or at least dropped the PCR test in the pick-up box on time so they see your test result is negative. Taking this gurgle test at 8.30 am gives you a 24 hour guarantee that you won’t get this virus in the meantime….. are you kidding? Are you going into a sealed glass box for 24 hours after you have taken this gurgle test? No! You are moving around. You are at work. But, hey, the experts say, we have to do this. At least now, since you stayed home, you are well rested and can tell your entire team via “Teams Meeting” about that Kate Foster is pregnant again but actually cheated on her husband Nathan. So who is the father? Also are her boobs fake? Watch “Working Moms” – it is awesome.

OMG, your cannot be serious! Someone is mad at you because you showed up at work without a negative PCR test but with a negative Antigen test that is however not valid at this current covid-stage? But you are healthy, have a negative test AND have absolutely no symptoms and they send you home again? Guess what? You deserve it. Make sure you text all your colleagues at work how many episodes of Sherlock Holmes you watched and how comfy it is on your couch. Also throw in any project you did in your garden, things you got done, or ordered online, worked out with, and how much fun cooking at home is while drinking a glass of wine at noon. The least you can do in this situation is to orally vaccinate at home with alcohol since you cannot leave your house for days because it is possible that WEGA police officers have surrounded your property by now, equipped with Pfizer or Johnson & Johnson tranquilliser guns or darts to hunt you down.

I am sorry but all this is literally insane. Has the government ever heard of a little something called sanity or work-life balance? We all should just adopt what the Scandinavian countries are doing, meaning chilling the fuck down a bit and let the virus run its course? There, people can walk freely again without this damn FFP2 mask. This would make many people here in Austria a billion times happier, less miserable, and more productive. Another key factor is that nobody understands all these rules anymore. Too many and too confusing!

So, you are in quarantine again because someone at work was exposed to someone who may have been tested Corona positive two weeks ago. Quite factually, taking forced time off work and then telling your team (there is no I in team, or is it!?) about the awesome show you binge-watched all day and night is healthy for everyone. It builds camaraderie. Camaraderie is what makes people like their jobs even more.

You are still waiting for your PCR test result, huh? I heard they lost quite a bunch or ran out of them since so many people want to get tested to enjoy a Glühwein at the overcrowded Christmas Market at the Town Hall in Vienna. It is totally fine to go there if you are vaccinated because then you won’t need a PCR test. Makes sense, right?! Because with two to three vaccines you are fully immunised, cannot get the virus anymore, AND cannot spread it. Also, you can remove the mask for good since you are vaccinated right?! Oh, hold on: YOU CANNOT? You still have to test and wear the mask? Well, guess why? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IMMUNISED. YOU CAN GET IT, YOU CAN SPREAD IT! Healthier are most likely the ones who (have to) test every day and are as negative as my attitude toward all this Corona madness. Why would you send a symptom-free, healthy person with negative PCR test to home office? He cannot work in your office anymore because he is not vaccinated? Are you kidding me? I will rest just my case.

This simply cannot go on like this. Oh, someone said that the unvaccinated are rewarded by being able to stay ten days in quarantine? What the actual fuck? Being locked up is not a cool thing! Let’s focus on the fact that something unjust and absolutely horrible is happening to you and society.

You should get to enjoy at least five glasses of the best whiskey there is without feeling guilty about it. And obviously you need a couple of slices of homemade pizza. As a base, repeat after me: “I am amazing, healthy, have a negative test, have zero symptoms, and am locked away. FUCK THIS SHIT!” Seriously. I am not going to let you spiral here. I know this all sucks. We all suffer with this seemingly never-ending pandemic while looking sceptically at a dysfunctional government that comes up with more nonsense and lost track of the overall situation.

Of course you want to punch some people in the face. Honestly, anyone in your situation would want to. Maybe you can say that certain people bumped into you. Accidentally, sure, but how were you supposed to know that? He could have been a murderer overall. These days, nobody trusts anybody anymore. He could have had the virus and try to get you infected so you literally swung in self-defence. I really don’t understand why you are giving yourself such a hard time about this. It happens. It doesn’t, like, make you a bad person.

Neither does pushing certain people onto the subway track, by the way. I mean, what choice did you have? He was ranting about you should wear an additional face-mask, have 2 meters distance, goggles, and gloves. What exactly were you supposed to do? Let him ruin your life? I don’t think so. Can I ask you a question? I hope this isn’t offensive, but are you in therapy already? It just seems to me like you really should see someone. We all should after two(!) years of this insanity.

Look, I’m not saying that this was the best day of your life. It’s O.K. to wallow for a bit. Finish the pint of ice cream. Tomorrow is a new day. You have so much amazing shit ahead of you, because you are amazing. And this will be over at some point, I heard. Maybe the PCR result will get in tomorrow. Maybe not, and you will have another relaxed day at home. Stay positive and focus on your Self even if another lockdown will be announced today.

I am now in thin-ice territory.

Talking about relationships, especially toxic ones, are bound to cause distress and, in some cases, even heartbreak. Upsetting as it might get, most of us, sooner or later, are bound to find ourselves in this type of toxicity. How to get out? That’s where things get difficult. When a relationship starts turning sour, we immediately write it off as nothing more than a rough patch. Everyone has their ups and downs, and we want to be there both for the better and for the worse.

When time passes and the good times are a distant memory, we need to acknowledge that we are in trouble. Our treasured relationships, no matter if they are a love affair, friendship, or family member variety, are worth fighting for. But what happens when you are the only one fighting? When you are exhausting yourself to no avail, getting neither help nor appreciation from your loved one? Or even worse, when that person treats you with outright unkindness or disrespect? What happens if you, after every meeting, leave feeling drained, sad, angry, or hopeless, and you no longer believe the relationship to be salvageable?

We are taught to never give up on love, but what about when love gives up on us?

Whenever I talk about simplicity, minimalism, or scaled-down life choices, I inevitably end up on the subject of decluttering, organising, and downsizing – leaving my home, wardrobe, desktop, or mind feeling spars, clear, neat, and manageable. I go through my drawers, kitchen, phone, schedules, attics, and music playlists with gusto, discarding anything I render to be more dragging-down than a pick-me-up.

Yet, the one place I seem desperately reluctant to go through with trash bags in hand is my contact list. Few want to be considered selfish enough to only keep the relationships that are rewarding and respectful. But why? Why do we value the privilege of your own company so low, that it needn’t be received with gratitude? Or at the very least with appropriately good manners? We often find ourselves accepting toxic treatment that we would be appalled by if done to others. Could it maybe, just maybe, be that leaving is something reasonable to do? And instead, give your energy to the relationships that are deserving of it?

Simplifying our life often comes down to reducing the overwhelming and stress-inducing components of our day-to-day routines. Whether it be material things, thought processes, or activities. We want to focus on the things that give energy instead of drain it, that give us happiness instead of worry, that give our everyday life beauty and meaning instead of tension and anxiety. This is a good way to live. It makes sense and is reasonable. It might be selfish, but then again, what isn’t? Yet, the thought of decluttering where need be, especially among our relationships, is a daunting one. Giving your full focus to the things, thoughts, people, and plans that deserve you isn’t just selfish, it is also fair. To yourself, if no one else.

To tread carefully on this thin ice, I could assure you that I am not suggesting something as drastic as breaking up or letting a toxic relationship peter you out. But then maybe I am. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

“I’ve learned to value failed conversations, missed connections, confusions. What remains is what’s unsaid, what’s underneath. Understanding on another level of being.” – Anna Kamienska

It is what it is. This statement could simply define our collective malaise. Lately, I have been catching this phrase uttered repeatedly. Another pandemic lockdown: it is what it is. A breakup: it is what it is. A missed deadline: it is what it is. No sex: it is what it is. Lost keys: it is what it is. The 3-G rule at work: it is what it is. New Corona rules and regulations: it is what it f***ing is.

Sometimes there is an optimism to these words. It is what it is, and I can find a way to tolerate the circumstances and work with what it is. Then there is a shrug of resignation, it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it, nothing to work with. Both lenses hold a truth, but where the former offers acceptance, the latter brings an abandonment of hope.

Perhaps, I abandon hope as a way to protect myself. When things are difficult, uncertain, and weird, my responses get hard, rigid, and defensive. So, if it is what it is, how do I “dance” with what is?

I begin to find something to value in the circumstance, in this mess, I can sometimes find something miraculous. If I cannot find something to value, maybe I am stuck in some weird mindset. Maybe I am trying to change things, trying to dissect things, trying to win at things. But in the trying, I often muddy the water that is best cleared by leaving things alone.

To me, it becomes a dance between taking responsibility for what I can control and find value within it, and leaving alone what I cannot. That is perhaps the difficulty. I keep splashing about because I don’t want to lose something, be it an expectation, be it an opportunity, be it hope. But finding a way to be okay with whatever it is becomes about accepting loss.

Are you still with me? I hope you are.

One of my favourite poems is One Art by Elizabeth Bishop, a prompt to ‘lose something every day.’ This is a practice because I don’t want to lose things. I want to hold on tight. I don’t want to accept it is what it is, because then I lose what it is not. But as Bishop opens the poem, ‘The art of losing isn’t hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.’

“And so it goes….” – Kurt Vonnegut

Sometimes how it goes feels like a deluge of loss. Lost keys, lost love, lost experiences. But perhaps that deluge is leading us to something and helping to soften us into the dance. As Anne Lamott wrote, “When a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born—and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.”

Sometimes, this distraction allows me to step back and see what THIS really is. To uncover what I might have been long ignoring, to extract the reality from a fantasy, to hold the good bits and the not so good bits. Sometimes, this distraction is teaching me to hold things lightly. To learn a bit, to laugh a bit, to let it go. Sometimes, this distraction is showing me what I really need.

Sometimes, this distraction is teaching me to brace uncertainty with love, rather than resistance. Then I tell myself that it all may look like a wreck, but I go at it like it is a new opportunity, a new challenge. And I bring love to it all. Any disaster I can survive is an improvement in my character, my stature, and my life.

“Every storm runs out of rain” – Maya Angelou

I don’t know when I will meet another storm. That is the basic truth of life. It is unfair and it doesn’t make sense. But if I can bring love to the moment, maybe in time I won’t mind so much, or at least find myself caring about certain issues less. I just don’t mind that much anymore what happens and this way what is can be what it is. From my side, there is no resistance (doesn’t get me anywhere anyway), aversion, gasping or chasing around in a spinning wheel. This does not mean I become passive. It simply is what it is, this is what I need, I don’t mind what happens are all forms of acceptance that allows me to greet my wants, goals and desires and work toward them, without worrying about how something will turn out.

So, to sum this all up. You worry and resist, you grasp, but it will be what it will be whether you worry, resist or grasp. You can sometimes lower your expectations to ensure you aren’t hurt by whatever it will be, but you can still encounter hurt. It is what it is. Whether I lose something, whether someone is disappointed in us, whether something turns out differently from how I expected. All I can do is keep going with what is, finding the love in it, accepting and soften. So my sharp edges don’t wind up being death by a thousand cuts but I can mould to what is, instead. After all, it is what it is, and it is also this. The surprise phone call from a friend, this memory, this person who loves you, your kid(s) who love(s) you, this smile, this idea. Just look around at everything beautiful in your day. Take it all with you – what it is, what it is not, what you have lost, what you have gained, what you are waiting for, what has arrived. And then just dance with it all.