I recently watched Titanic with my son and he loved it. I don’t remember a lot of specifics about watching Titanic in theatres in 1997, but I was 16 years old, which means my two biggest concerns were a) locating romance, and 2) not dying in a nautical catastrophe. If you haven’t seen Titanic yet, I will enlighten you. Titanic is three hours and 14 minutes long, which, fun fact, is longer than the actual sinking process of the Titanic. I learned this valuable fact when I visited the Titanic exhibit in New York. Isn’t it kinda ballsy to assume people will watch your movie for three hours and 14 minutes? Especially when everybody already knows exactly what happens in the end? Anyway, here is what happens:
It starts out on a modern-times submarine. Bill Paxton is snooping around on the ocean floor trying to find a big necklace. His character is clearly James Cameron’s idea of what a cool person is like. He does stuff like wear male earrings and says “sayonara” in a sarcastic voice. Bill Paxton finds the old safe in the ocean, expecting it to be full of Titanic jewels, but instead it’s just an old painting of some boobs. Total rip-off! OR IS IT? Stay with me. An old lady recognises her boob-painting on the news and goes to visit Bill Paxton on his rock and roll treasure boat, where the make her watch a graphic reenactment of the Titanic sinking. I believe they were thinking: Hey grandma, fuck your PTSD. Then she tells her story. Which is not pertinent to treasure-hunting while Bill Paxton gets clearly annoyed. I mean, unless you mean three hours of nonsense, garbage, terror, death, and to figure out that the best parties are always in 3rd class.
Turns out, that old lady used to be Kate Winslet (hot), and one time she rode a big boat named Titanic. But she wasn’t too happy about it! She said, “It was the ship of dreams to everyone else. To me it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains.” Yes. Sure. Because imprisonment, rape, and unpaid forced labor are just like having to marry Billy Zane and live in a fur-lined gold palace for literally ever. Also, it’s 1912 right now, which means that real slavery has only been over for like….. 40 years? Maybe a little too soon for the slavery metaphors? She continues: “I saw my whole life as if I’d already lived it, an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts, and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared, or even noticed.” Nobody notices me! Everyone is so fake! As you can see, Kate Winslet’s life is just like slavery. She decides to kill herself immediately so she doesn’t have to face another terrible, terrible dinner with the 1st class peeps. Luckily, along comes Leonardo who rescues her from suicide and she repays him by letting her entire family treat him like human shit for the last few days of his life. Then they fall in love.
Leo shows up at a fancy dinner even though he is poor and Kate Winslet’s mom hates him: “My mother looked at him like an insect. A dangerous insect that must be squished quickly.” After dinner, Leo says, “Time for me to go row with the other slaves!” In an act of defiance, Kate sneaks downstairs to party with the simple folk. And it was the best party eeeeever. Okay. Next there is a whole bunch of boring stuff like the Celine Dion part (“I am flyyyyying!”), the boob-sketching part, and the banging in that tiny car part.
Then they drive the ship into the big iceberg. Kate and Leonardo run around the boat in circles for a long time holding hands. All she really does is yell about how no one can tell her what to do and then just does whatever Leo tells her to do. Fabrizio (Leo’s friend, who is Italian) shows up to tell them that they are fucked because all the lifeboats are gone: “The boats-a! They’re all-a gone!” “Where’s your life jacket, Fabrizio?” Leonardo asks. “Ees-a okay!” says Fabrizio, “I’ve-a got this-a beeg ravioli! Abbondanza!” Then he drowns (oops).
Fortunately for Kate, Leo turns out to be the world’s expert in surviving ocean liner disasters offering genius advice like, “We have to stay on the ship as long as possible!” Eventually, they end up in the ocean, where Kate sits on a board and cries. Leo makes ONE attempt to get on the board with her, but falls off, so he decides to just die instead. Kate is sad and gets rescued. He could have fit on that damn board. Easily.
Finally, even though the old lady knew Bill Paxton was searching for the necklace, and he patiently listened to her stupid story she goes and drops it into the ocean at the end!!!!! Like, seriously, old lady? First, you suck. Second of all, that necklace belongs in a museum. Third of all, you suck. I wish Bill Paxton would drop YOU into the ocean at the end. Then, to wrap things up, there’s a dream sequence where the ghosts of Kate and Leo walk down the Titanic’s grand staircase and everyone on earth applauds for no reason.
So, here, now you have it. You don’t need to watch the movie in 3D. Unless you do want to watch a 3.5-hour story of terror and death with a plastic cage and a mask strapped to your face the entire time. F… you, Corona. Or, you did like the original Titanic, but wish you could also have a throbbing headache? Okay, then go nuts.