.SOMETIMES RAW.

Petit Joel and I just needed new toothbrushes and almond milk. Just two effing bamboo toothbrushes and almond milk from Whole Foods.That’s it. I am a minimalist. Nothing more, nothing less. The problem is, this store is just awesome since it has it all. Natural alternatives, organic food, a huge variety of cheese and fish (love!) and of course nuts, seeds, fancy chocolate, tons of awesome “free of everything” beauty products and samples. 

Another issue is where the almond milk is located. To get there, I have to traverse the entire store which means I usually wear my invisible horse blinders and walk through it quickly like on hot coals (with Chanel flats on). Petit Joel and I hit the Farmers Market and then for whatever reason I thought about these toothbrushes and almond milk and we both ended up in this store where the first part is usually okay, since it is all produce. We actually ran out of carrots though and I forgot to buy them at the Farmers Market, so they wander silently into my shopping cart. Off we go. Destination almond milk. Petit Joel in the cart (plus carrots). I add some arugula just because. We then entered cheese heaven with all the samples. Petit Joel loves cheese as well and tries this one and that one and decides he likes them both. So do I. And the mozzarella. I go back to the produce aisle to get some fresh basil to make a Caprese for supper. I am pushing my cart quickly back to the cheese section and pass this beautiful wooden salad bowl what would look so nice with my wooden salad fork and spoon set. Does this salad bowl have big googly eyes on the side? I have to get out of here. 

I get some fresh salmon, too. That will go nicely with my Caprese salad tonight. I also get some frozen salmon for my famous pasta with salmon sauce dish that Petit Joel loves. We also ran out of organic ketchup, mustard for salad dressing, salt, pepper and yes, there is the almond milk section. Everything in the cart. Pushing on to the bread aisle. We actually get our bread every week from either Farm Boy or preferably the Farmers Market on Sunday and purchase enough so it lasts us all week. However, somehow a chocolate croissant made its way into the cart and was halfway eaten when we eventually approached the register. We don’t eat cereal so everything is okay while we walk through this aisle but wow, look at those beautiful journals next to the Yoga mats, Yoga pants and Yoga everything else. I should start practicing Yoga again. Maybe I should get these yoga pants which will make me sign up for a class for sure. Those pants will transform my whole life. Or this journal since I don’t have enough journals already. 

I quickly skim through the cleaning supplies aisle and shake my head at all this useless stuff that nobody needs. Like Swiffer with organic cotton pads that smell like lavender and strangely cute looking detergents liquid bubbly things that Petit Joel gave names to because they look like Minions. Some super organic dishwashing detergents and towels stay in the shelves and finally, Jesus Christ, I leave all this behind. 

I forget about my salmon/salad supper idea when we pass the buffet section. A little sushi would be awesome, too. The register is visible and my heart is pounding. I wander toward the register, grab some Fiddleheads, some aspartame free gum and load everything on the conveyor belt. I paid my bill (why  $210?) and skedaddle out of Whole Foods; three bags of food and other items while I realize that I have never been particularly bad with finances but I have never been great with them either. I usually do pretty well but then I splurge on books or at Whole Foods. Life is a learning process and I am working on being in charge of my expenses all (most of) the time. My former statistic professor would recommend to probably track my expenses in a spreadsheet or something. It reminds me of the time when I used to bring my food to work, all healthy and prepared in mason jars the night before and stored it in the fridge at work. My coworkers always thought I am so healthy and efficient  but then I went out for lunch to just get out of the office which gave me a nice opportunity to stretch my legs and see something different than the computer screen. 

I sometimes even buy a cookie and an apple juice for Petit Joel at Starbucks before I leave the library and pick him up. Sometimes even a soda because I was swayed by the cool bottle. For lunch, I venture sometimes outside of my routine and enjoy large bowls of phô. Okay, I am officially addicted to it and have been trying to stop  but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. It is just so delicious, satisfying and good (for and to me).

Is all this supposed to make me feel bad or ashamed? It might seem a lot for one shopping trip to some but all these things made me (us) really happy, our bellies full and sustained. This is life. It is okay and this salmon tasted pretty awesome with my salad after all since I placed the sushi back in the shelf. 

Now, I will just wait for my husband to call since I used his credit card…..

I woke up this morning, earlier than usual for a Sunday, and looked out of the window. I felt like crawling right back into bed. A draining mix of grey, cold and rain was what I saw first. On my bedside table: Bakhtin’s Speech Genre and other late essays. “What a great start,” I mumbled. I put on some comfortable clothes, dragged myself to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and realized that more sleep would have definitely been good for me. The last couple of weeks and days just sucked a lot of energy out of me.  Today, I definitely look older than I feel. While I searched for some lotions and potions I heard that Petit Joel is up reading loud in his room. 

He greeted me by asking, “How old are you again, Mommy? I am almost four years-old but you are ooooooold, right?” Exactly what I needed to hear. “I am almost 36, so maybe I am a little bit old”, I told him while I rolled my eyes. I gave him his clothes to change and realized that he needs new ones. Did this kid outgrow most of his things over night? He eats way more than usual, sleeps longer and tells me here and there that his knees hurt but c’mooooon. 

I went downstairs to prepare breakfast for us but the thought of getting older followed me quietly like a shadow. While I made coffee I thought that I wouldn’t call it wrinkles since they only appear when I am laughing and ONLY on the side of my eyes. Laugh-lines are a good thing and I usually don’t have frown lines unless I have to get really angry. I also found ONE grey hair so far. Sometimes my knees hurt but this is usually only after sitting in the library for hours. I chase my son up the slide and down and all over the playground without a problem but when other kids call me Ma’am, I sort of cringe. I am up to date with all the apps, gadgets on the iPad, phone and I know what’s hot on the kid’s channel. What I however will never understand is Snapchat. I just don’t. 

My son comes downstairs, fully dressed with just minor adjustments necessary. Okay, I had to change him completely since he decided to put on his Halloween costume that he found in his closet. I realized that not too long ago, I had to dress him daily, nurse him, change his diapers, do everything from scratch. He grew up so quickly and looking at him I realize that I am indeed getting older but this is a good thing. I am learning and I am changing. Some things that used to keep me up at night so I can worry about them (German Angst again) have been replaced by others since the former are not significant anymore. Certain parenting-related or social issues are over and new ones arrived. I found out that I love to talk to my 80 year-old neighbors who sit by the window and observe the birch tree, flowers, birds and have so much knowledge and experience and they do remember the past so vividly. 

Isn’t it amazing how life goes in chapters? In one chapter I am a heartbroken girl who had been left by her boyfriend who cheated. In the next chapter I joined police academy; then I am a traveller and explorer; then a college student, a wife, a mother, a grad student and a thirtysomething woman writing all this. Things always change. Sometimes hard, difficult times feel rather endless but I always keep a very good friend and her tattoo in mind that says,”this too shall pass”. Who knows what will be written in the next chapter? 

Thanks to HarperCollinsCanada and the publisher for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review. I have read “Shutter Island” by the author which attracted me to Lehane’s latest book “Since We Fell”. This does not affect my opinion of the content or the book in my review.

Rachel Child did not have an easy childhood and grew up in a rather dysfunctional family. Her father left when she was a baby and her mother who is manipulative with a somewhat mean personality never revealed his identity to Rachel. Later on in Rachel’s life, she worked as a journalist, got married but things did not get better for her. She suffered from panic attacks and her husband left her after she experienced a major mental breakdown while covering the Haiti earthquake. She struggled with trauma and PTSD which just caused her to lose her job as a journalist. Rachel Child now lives as a “virtual” shut-in. 

Against all odds, she meets the love of her life, Brian who eventually becomes her second husband. Everything seems to get better in her life. She lives the “ideal life with an ideal husband” until she realizes that he lied to her since they first met about his life, what he does and who he is. She knows that she needs to work on and with herself first to overcome all this drama and trauma in her life and find strength; however, she focuses with an obsession on Brian, conspiracy, violence, fear, and this secret life her husband lives. 

Lehane’s language throughout Since We Fell is great and well-written; however, what through me slightly off was the fact that the first 150+ pages seem just too much of irrelevant build-up. There is a lot of “boring” (overly analyzed) heart-breaking, troubled suffering woman, romance, psychology, search for missing father, tension as well as description of Rachel’s bad/sad childhood and struggles later on in her life. [I usually give a book 50 pages to get me interested in the plot; however, Lehane’s language kept me going for some reason and I finished the 400 pages!].

I reckon, there is this duality throughout Since We Fell. In the first half of the book Rachel is looking for her father she never knew and in the second half she is doing the same thing with her second husband Brian. The ending of the book was rather abrupt and here Lehane could have used a little more elaboration indeed. 

Overall: If you read some of his other novels and enjoyed those, this book will most likely be for you. If you are willing to struggle through the first 150+ pages to get to the point, this book is also for you. Happy reading! 

The release date is May 9th, 2017.