.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Friday! 

Breaking News: I don’t know if you heard already but Munich is under attack. I am German and I am deeply touched and angry. What is this world turning into? You hear about Terrorism everywhere, but whenever it hits your country, it feels worse. There were attacks in Würzburg a couple of days ago. Now Munich. I lived almost next to the Olympia Shopping Mall when I was a police officer and served in Munich/Schwabing. I contacted almost all my friends and former police officer colleagues who are on high alert at this point. I could have been one of them but I resigned and chose a different career path. Sad, sad world we are living in. This week I have been all over the place trying to put in as much as possible and see as many people as possible because we will move soon. It was busy, kitchen re-decorating, trike driving and packing-busy and so much more. Read on if you would like. 

Reading: This week I did not read too much. Besides my daily online New York Times read in the morning and some blogs I follow I started reading B.J. Novak’s One More Thing on my Kindle and so far I love it. Great book. 

Watching: I re-discovered Netflix again and watched two movies in bed late at night. Woody Allen’s Vicky Christina Barcelona! I loved, loved, loved this movie and highly recommend it. If you are a Woody Allen fan and have not seen this movie, put it on your to-watch list for sure. Great acting, great story, great dialogues. I also binge-watched Orange is the New Black Season 4! Have you seen or followed the series Catastrophe? Do you like it? I got hooked instantly. 

Discovering/Learning: I am not too much into HipHop but the new album by DeLaSoul is pretty awesome and on “repeat all” while I type. Listen to the full album here. Do you know the band “Let’s eat Grandma“? Commas can save lives – or grandma’s, right?!”Let’s eat Grandma” is a British musical group that formed in 2013 by Rosa Walton and Jenny Hollingworth who are childhood friends. They released their debut album “I, Gemini” in June 2016. 

Thinking about: That is has been a long (way too long) time since I have seen le husband. There are days when I miss him so so much. Other days are packed with errands and I feel better about him not being here – or with us anywhere actually. I found out today that his arrival has been postponed one more time, sniff….. This has been the longest time we have been separated. If my parents would not be here with me, I don’t know how I would have dealt with it alone and for so long. Initially, I never thought I could be separated from le husband for more than one day but it has gotten better with time. I just hope it will all end soon or change and we can be together more often; I miss him so much. I miss our life together. What we shared. I am not sugarcoating anything here: It is damn hard. Je t’aime mon amour. Toujours. 

Looking forward to/Trying to: New adventures and being as safe as possible in this crazy world. I am looking forward to peace. Some type of peace. Maybe just peace for and with myself – but peace. I am looking forward to Canada. Looking forward to seeing le husband finally. The US trip with my brother and Nadine Glitzer. Looking forward to my father getting his trike. How awesome is that? Rock and Roll dad at age 60. Fact is you only life once! 

Have a great weekend. Enjoy! 

Okay, I am clearly not an artist but you can see the wine bottle on the table. Hah! I was eight years old. 

Hello and Happy Tuesday!

I just came home after an awesome afternoon/evening spent with my godmother. An evening filled with books and bookstores, Aperitifs, Dinner and hours of talks and it was all good for my soul. Then I came home. My parent’s home and a home for Petit Joel and I for the last 2 1/2 years. Home is where your heart is and for me a place to return to – a place to escape. My home-base to recover and soak-in some energy. 

These last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about home. Maybe because of our upcoming trip/move/discovery to Canada soon, maybe because I spent so much time here in Germany – the home I grew up in. This home that shaped me as a child – and even now at points, made me happy, made me sad occasionally but was/is always full of love. Now it is time to move on and discover new things. I am leaving with one happy and one sad eye. I know it is all good and has to happen this way. I know I cannot live with my parents forever – I don’t want it and they don’t want it. However, I never felt bad moving back in with my parents because I knew in a way that it was all temporarily and good.

I am happy that both of my parents are healthy and alive and I am able to see them, speak to them and visit them anytime I want. In a way, they are just a seven hour plane ride away. There is Skype, FaceTime and whatnot. It was nice being here and spending time with my mom and dad but I also know that they want/need their own space again and have time solely to themselves without Petit Joel (or me) interrupting them in any way. 

I overheard an interesting conversation my mom had with a friend the other day about grandchildren. The woman said that it is nice when her daughter comes over with her son here and there but sometimes it just sucks. It sucks because she has a life too. She planned things and now here is her daughter with the baby. Yay, stop everything else (your own life) and spend time with the baby. This made me realize what my mother did for me. How much she gave up of her own life to make us feel comfortable and happy. How much she shared of her home with us and modified everything so it is safe for my son. I am so grateful to have my parents and I thank them every single day for what they have done for us. When my mom said, “Come and live in Germany with us”, and Petit Joel was only five weeks old I felt like crying. 

I was lucky enough to have had this transition that made life for me so easy. And maybe also for my son. He grew up with his grandparents and is loved every single day. I am looking back at my old life in NYC and how things were and I miss it sometimes. I miss it a lot today since talking to my godmother who lives there as well. NYC is special, it has its charm but I would have been overwhelmed living there when my son was a newborn. So it all worked out really well. I don’t say goodbye to this old life or anything like it. I am just moving on. Who knows what will be around the next corner and where I will be next year around this time. I just know that I will start my studies, Petit Joel will join a Montessori Kindergarten and it will be all okay. I will of course miss what was and be sad about not being around my parents anymore or certain things that I no longer have and are available to me but I will figure out something else and new.

I always have a hard time saying goodbye or calling anything “the end”. It somehow bothers me but I learned to let go and simple move forward. There is so much to explore out there, so much new – and if this does not work out, I try something else. Goodbyes are a part of life, but also area Hello! So wipe away those tears, pack my suitcases and move on. The time is right. I feel it. Gone is the longing to stay. Instead I feel happy. Germany is my home base. It hopefully will be here for a long time. Some places are magical. My parents place is! Right here at home. 

Hello and Happy Saturday! 

“Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to be truly affected by things.”

Love is the only real life purpose and the only thing that should really matter, I reckon. This afternoon my father, brother, his girlfriend and I went to the movies and saw Independence Day 2. Pretty good and entertaining – but we liked the first one better. To see my brother and Nadine together is so sweet. To love, to be love and to give love. Love has many interpretations and can mean so many different things. Isn’t love what makes the world go round? Isn’t it, that if there is no love, there is just sadness? I believe that at the end of the day, this is all we seek. I am lucky to have found the one to be happy with, to hold his hand in the movie theater and want to spent my life with. 

I think that deep inside, everybody would love to experience this. Unconditional love. It is beautiful to see it, however. To have seen both today so open, tender and in love makes me happy. 

Walking around and being love, thinking about le husband and missing him deeply from my heart, observing others smiling, seeing the sunshine and being happy to have had a perfect healthy day is so beautiful. Nothing else matters to me.  It feels good. It is what keeps me going.