.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Monday! 

I don’t want to brag but I received a bunch of questions via email about what is going on with my blog. Most questions were why I don’t write daily anymore and why it has become so quiet around Sometimes Raw. Simply put, there was just a lot going on this previous week. We moved to Canada, did a lot of traveling, flying, signing, errands and whatnot that made us all all fall asleep peacefully but exhausted at night. I will share more details and what we accomplished when the time is right. So far, things look really good and work out very well. No complaints here and I am assured that this was/is all the right decision. 

All this running around usually does not give me too much time to sit, relax and reflect; even though this is exactly what I should be doing. However, I do take my time these days to meditate at least for half an hour every day. There is always time to meditate, no matter how busy or stressful life is. Of course, only when I want to put in time and space to do it. Today, I have been reminded again, how grateful I am to be with my family. Family time is awesome and I get a daily reminder how fortunate I am to live this life I am living. Time goes by so fast and for example seeing my son swimming when he was so scared to go in the water is just crazy. This little guy looks so grown up next to me – and he is not even three years old. 

And speaking about growing up; I cannot believe this kid of mine is starting preschool next month. It is just shocking. How did this get here so fast? With my boy getting so big I have been really thinking what I share of him online. Or actually, of myself and my family. I think it is just a cool balance at this point. I share some things (like the Potty training post) but I reckon I am very thoughtful of the things I am putting out there about him and us. Also on all the other things we are up to. When we travel, where we travel and such. 

What else is new? For me, these days, life is pretty busy. Busy in a good, happy way. There are new adventures, new challenges and I realize that traveling with my son gets easier. Things change. This is the way it all goes and I don’t mind. Sometimes I feel like I should slow down and rest but I don’t really feel like it. There is no need or want to chill at this point. I like to be busy and trying new things. And again, I am grateful for it all. 

When I go through older posts I have written I realize that many are about time and its passing. However, with all these changes in my life, I do not feel sad anymore. And believe me, I did feel sad a lot about time passing so quickly and that I am not able to stop it. I just love to document changes and my life more through writing and pictures. And of course focusing on the HERE and NOW. I cannot stress this enough, you guys. This is so important. Live in the moment. Live in the now. Then you might realize that it feels good to be here and you will see yourself clearly and actually love who you see. Being at my best self lifts others up and makes them happy. I want to be this tiny light that helps to lighten up others. To just accept differences without judgement. Rather look at everything with curiosity. My son for example has taught me to view myself every single day through a lens of love and never self-doubt or even fear. No make-up needed and dark circles don’t exist. He will go in that pool eventually, even though he cannot feel the bottom with his tiny toes. 

Hello and Happy Sunday/Monday! 

If you read my last post Damn you, Sadness, you know that I wrote about the departure and that I will leave Germany with one happy and one sad eye. Well, needless to say it was worse than expected and it was rather two sad eyes than anything else. Of course my head knows that it was necessary to leave my parent’s house and Germany at one point. Petit Joel and I stayed way beyond the time we initially planned. However, my heart was/is so sad about it all. It just hurts and of course I only remember the good times. Isn’t it always like this? Nothing was ever bad, right? Well, le husband arrived on Friday morning and I was so happy. We haven’t seen each other in two months and whenever he came to meet us in Germany it never felt like being together as a family. We stayed (not all the time) at my parent’s place  for a week or longer and this was pushing it to some weird limit. There was no running around naked in the house for example; simply because we could not. Or just doing whatever we wanted to do…., whenever or wherever we felt like it. Fill in the blanks here with whatever you think might fit. 

So we finally left on Saturday at noon and all the talks I had with my parents about this damn departure being necessary for all of us and we all agreed every single time, was out of the window. They looked so sad and ran around in the house, trying to kill time with useless shit; if by doing so they could stop time or never having to face the part of actually needing to say goodbye which is worse than anything else. So after my mom cleaned her medicine cabinet for an hour (there is actually nothing even in it!) and my father harassing the neighbor and then cutting some trees here and there, the car was loaded with tons of suitcases and we were ready to leave. 

If you have never experienced anything like this, you probably won’t know what I am talking about. This is not about going on vacation for a week or moving from Coburg to Bamberg. I am talking about moving to start a new life somewhere else. “I am a pro at this, ” I thought, but it does not get easier; believe me. Especially, after having spent so much time in Germany. The car ride to Berlin Airport was sad. I cried. I tried to read, it did not work. Then I realized that this is not something that will suck or something I am forced to do. I am willingly moving to Canada to study and to live here which is pretty damn cool. And the tears dried slowly and disappeared. They also took this melancholia that covered my soul like a layer with them. It has gotten better. 

Maybe it was all due to the craziness of traveling to Casablanca, Morocco first and staying there for 20-something hours. Or it was the flight to Canada the next day, Immigration craziness that turned out not that bad but I was just so tired that anything bothered me at that point and time. The car ride to the University where I will start a Master in September or the checking in at the Residency. Well, it has been all sorted out. These days, we are looking at houses for rent, the Kindergarten for Petit Joel and the area here which is beautiful indeed. I reckon I will like it here a lot. It has not been my first time in Canada. Le husband and I traveled on a regular basis to different parts in Canada from New York simply because we love it so much. I was so fortunate and happy when I received the letter of acceptance from the University I desperately wanted to go to. It is important to stop, reflect, love and wipe away those last tears. I know that my parents and family in Germany are not out of the world. They are healthy and simply a plane ride away. With Skype, FaceTime and all this good stuff they can be all visible in a minute which was not possible that easily when I left Germany in 2005 and moved to New York. There is a lot coming up in the next couple of days and weeks. Also many great trips and vacation and of course the time change that we all still need to adjust. Now, in Germany, it is time to wake up. Drive safe to work Dad. And have a great first day back at work Mom. I love you both so much. Unconditionally. 

“I walked into this empty church.
I had no place else to go
When the sweetest voice I ever heard
Whispered to my soul
I don’t need to be forgiven
For loving you so much
It’s written in the scriptures
It’s written there in blood.
I even heard the angels
Declare it from above –
there aint no cure
there aint no cure
there aint no cure for love.” [I read this poem on the plane]

Hello and Happy Tuesday!

You thought this would be a pregnancy announcement, right? Sorry, haha! I have to disappoint you here!  This won’t happen at this point, simply because I haven’t seen le husband in two months, I won’t cheat on him and after another tantrum-filled day I really had the urge to write about this whole idea of having another baby. For the longest time, I did not want to have any children. Ever! My life felt good the way it was. Studying, alone, traveling you name it. Then I met le husband and for the first time, the idea of getting pregnant did not instantly make me throw up. We talked about having a child pretty soon in our relationship and I was fine with it. It felt right but not so soon. First I wanted to live and enjoy life with him however. And we did. We did it all, believe me. It was fun. And at some point, something was missing. Not really missing per se, but a child would have made our life perfect – just being  this happy, little family. This all sounds so great and feels so good in theory. 

Now, since Petit Joel is in our life, I honestly had days where I consider leaving him at Småland at IKEA. Most days are fine (when he possibly tries to collect bonus points for days like today. Of course and obviously, I would not ever leave him at Småland – or would I? 🙂 [Have you ever shopped at IKEA and wondered why staff call parents to please pick up their kids at Småland and they keep calling but nothing happens? Those parents are long time gone. Spinning wheels at the parking lot and heading to the ocean-gone! And those kids then build your bookshelf LEKSVIK that you purchase at IKEA at some point. This is my opinion, I could be wrong!]

So some days I think that maybe, possibly, there could be a slight chance of having baby number 2; however, those moments are very “very” rare and far or almost completely erased from my mind on really hard parenting-tantrum days. When I listen to my heart, it says that it would be nice for Petit Joel to have a sibling. Like one more; but that is it. Then, I am thinking how much easier it all gets, now that he will turn three in October. He is diaper free for two weeks now, so this chapter is over (for now). He can talk and speak clearly and fluently in two languages. Things are getting easier and I love this age and stage he is at right now. Thinking about doing it all over again:  diapers, nursing, sleepless nights and crying makes me cough slightly, pour myself another glass of wine and get a good book from my bookshelf. 

Looking back at newborn and baby pictures when Petit Joel was just a couple of days old, gives me this warm, comfortable feeling. Those teeny tiny baby days and that I was able and fortunate to experience his first steps makes me appreciate my life and having had him with me all this time. Without daycare, nanny and whatnot. I am looking forward to what comes next. How four-year old Petit Joel will be? How he will look, how his vocabulary will grow and his mind. 

These days, I am excited about the move, about the University, about Petit Joel joining the Montessori Kindergarten and everything else new that is around the corner. A pregnancy would definitely not fit into all this; but will it ever? I know that there is never the right timing whenever it comes to planning for a baby because it is always something, right? School and studying, move, new environment, husband gone on mission, you name it. Let’s see what happens. It is all good, no matter how it turns out. Life is good. We are healthy, happy and so so fortunate the way everything is right here and now.