Toddler Madness – Through My Eyes.

Hello and Happy Tuesday! 

I love my son; so so much. However, there are days when he seriously drives me crazy. He has it all, but he still cries and throws tantrums. I just had a tiny argument with le husband (well, he would say now that he did not have an argument with me; just me, myself and I which is kind of true) about Petit Joel who lost it for no reason again and kicked me. Sometimes I feel like living in an insane asylum with this little guy. He is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. (Again, le husband would say now that he got that trait from me) If you have a child you will understand this but if you won’t, you cannot believe how anything tiny and so cute can make you want to dig a hole to the center of the earth to stay there with a bottle of Bordeaux just to have some peace and quiet. Or move to another city and start a new life. I have to keep in mind to leave my credit cards behind because those could track me. 

I had to get away from him for a while now and ran to the closest coffee shop, plus laptop. Sometimes it is good to get away, be by myself and get a break from parenthood. This little guy won’t tear my marriage apart, that’s for sure. After all, le husband and I are in this warzone together. And sometimes I feel the urge to call for backup. For whatever reason though, whenever Petit Joel is with him, he LISTENS to whatever he says.

A little scenario just popped in my mind. I left le husband alone with Petit Joel after I explained to him every possible way this rascal might act out. What food he loves the most, where everything he might ask for is and where I put his favorite blanket. (By the time I am done with my explanation rap sheet , I could have been back already twice) Le husband nods blankly and rolls his eyes and just says, “Just go already, we got this!” 

I leave and return to a completely cleaned house. Petit Joel plays by himself with his toys and did not bother my husband once while he built bookshelves, defrosted the freezer, sanitized the fridge, rearranged his closet and tool cabinet, washed the car, found a cure for AIDS and split an atom. They even drew pictures together. Little hearts for Daddy. Le husband just smiles at me and tells met that Petit Joel did not eat yet, but he is fine and did not complain. 

Now he leaves me with Petit Joel for a couple of hours. Joel hangs on me and tries to crawl back inside me. Here is the usual list of things he does while le husband is gone:

His pants feel weird and he wants to take them off NOW. Then put them back on. Same with his shirt/t-shirt and socks. He wants to eat lunch NOW. Pasta. I make him some but he changed his mind. He wants rice. His socks start to bother him again. Now he wants to paint something. (Still did not eat his pasta, or rice). Now he is thirsty. But no water; apple juice only. Drinks and spills everything. I wipe juice off the floor, fill him another cup only half full this time. I tell him that whenever he is done drinking to put the cup on the table. He drinks and throws the cup in the garbage. Now he is scared. He wants me to tell him a story. He curls up on the couch. He needs his blanket. Now he feels too hot. Socks off again. Wants to put his flip flops on. Now he feels he wants to brush his teeth. Then asks where Daddy is. Then asks a million other questions while I clean the kitchen. Tries to climb up my leg. Wants to know if I have a penis like he has. Runs in the living room and throws all the pillows off the couch. Takes his toys and throws them around. He wants me to kiss him. Then he licks my arm because he is a baby cat. He would like to hear a different story. He wants to call Oma and Opa on Skype. NOW. He wants chocolate. NOW. He wants to go to the playground. I clean up the mess in the living room and kitchen, and hallway and his room. He fell off the chair and bleeds on his knee. While taking care of his “huge wound” I see that I have to trim his fingernails. Also, he needs a new T-shirt. Wait, I should buy him some new ones. He grows so fast, he almost has nothing left to wear. I rearrange his closet. He throws everything out of the shelves and climbs in the closet. Then he is scared of the closet. Evil monkey? He wants to watch something on his iPad now. I turn it on, five seconds later, he wants to eat pasta again. Cries because his knee hurts. Then he needs to blow his nose. Wants to take a shower, needs to pee and wants chocolate. I start getting a tiny headache. He remembers now that he forgot his flashlight in Daddy’s car. He needs it NOW. Asks every five minutes when Daddy is coming back home. I silently ask myself the same question. Joel now heard a “strange noise” and wants to know what it is. Maybe Daddy in his car? Wants a kiss. Wants a hug. Needs to poop. Eats out of the garbage can. At this point I am really tired and know that I could sleep anywhere, anytime. Even with my eyes open while waiting for the cashier to ring up Petit Joel’s cheese pretzels. Or on park benches. 

I hear le husband pulling up in the driveway while I try to hold onto the last threads of my sanity. Le husband walks in, finds me stretched out on the living room floor with a nervous eye twitch and asks, “How is everybody? Why is pasta all over the kitchen floor?”

I just think there is too much injustice in this parenting game. Like is Petit Joel ever losing it in a store with le husband? NO! He never had to drag him out under the judgmental looks of other shoppers. He also never had to leave a shopping cart full of items behind in the store. I did pay for the wine however. He also did not have to ask shop personnel for towels because Petit Joel peed on the cheese while I walked back to grab milk. Le husband  just shows him that he means business. But I thought I did, too. 

The only solution is wine I reckon. And of course bedtime comes eventually.