A New Journey. First Impressions.

Hello and Happy Sunday/Monday! 

If you read my last post Damn you, Sadness, you know that I wrote about the departure and that I will leave Germany with one happy and one sad eye. Well, needless to say it was worse than expected and it was rather two sad eyes than anything else. Of course my head knows that it was necessary to leave my parent’s house and Germany at one point. Petit Joel and I stayed way beyond the time we initially planned. However, my heart was/is so sad about it all. It just hurts and of course I only remember the good times. Isn’t it always like this? Nothing was ever bad, right? Well, le husband arrived on Friday morning and I was so happy. We haven’t seen each other in two months and whenever he came to meet us in Germany it never felt like being together as a family. We stayed (not all the time) at my parent’s place  for a week or longer and this was pushing it to some weird limit. There was no running around naked in the house for example; simply because we could not. Or just doing whatever we wanted to do…., whenever or wherever we felt like it. Fill in the blanks here with whatever you think might fit. 

So we finally left on Saturday at noon and all the talks I had with my parents about this damn departure being necessary for all of us and we all agreed every single time, was out of the window. They looked so sad and ran around in the house, trying to kill time with useless shit; if by doing so they could stop time or never having to face the part of actually needing to say goodbye which is worse than anything else. So after my mom cleaned her medicine cabinet for an hour (there is actually nothing even in it!) and my father harassing the neighbor and then cutting some trees here and there, the car was loaded with tons of suitcases and we were ready to leave. 

If you have never experienced anything like this, you probably won’t know what I am talking about. This is not about going on vacation for a week or moving from Coburg to Bamberg. I am talking about moving to start a new life somewhere else. “I am a pro at this, ” I thought, but it does not get easier; believe me. Especially, after having spent so much time in Germany. The car ride to Berlin Airport was sad. I cried. I tried to read, it did not work. Then I realized that this is not something that will suck or something I am forced to do. I am willingly moving to Canada to study and to live here which is pretty damn cool. And the tears dried slowly and disappeared. They also took this melancholia that covered my soul like a layer with them. It has gotten better. 

Maybe it was all due to the craziness of traveling to Casablanca, Morocco first and staying there for 20-something hours. Or it was the flight to Canada the next day, Immigration craziness that turned out not that bad but I was just so tired that anything bothered me at that point and time. The car ride to the University where I will start a Master in September or the checking in at the Residency. Well, it has been all sorted out. These days, we are looking at houses for rent, the Kindergarten for Petit Joel and the area here which is beautiful indeed. I reckon I will like it here a lot. It has not been my first time in Canada. Le husband and I traveled on a regular basis to different parts in Canada from New York simply because we love it so much. I was so fortunate and happy when I received the letter of acceptance from the University I desperately wanted to go to. It is important to stop, reflect, love and wipe away those last tears. I know that my parents and family in Germany are not out of the world. They are healthy and simply a plane ride away. With Skype, FaceTime and all this good stuff they can be all visible in a minute which was not possible that easily when I left Germany in 2005 and moved to New York. There is a lot coming up in the next couple of days and weeks. Also many great trips and vacation and of course the time change that we all still need to adjust. Now, in Germany, it is time to wake up. Drive safe to work Dad. And have a great first day back at work Mom. I love you both so much. Unconditionally. 

“I walked into this empty church.
I had no place else to go
When the sweetest voice I ever heard
Whispered to my soul
I don’t need to be forgiven
For loving you so much
It’s written in the scriptures
It’s written there in blood.
I even heard the angels
Declare it from above –
there aint no cure
there aint no cure
there aint no cure for love.” [I read this poem on the plane]