.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.”  – Buddha

So, my husband and I had this discussion after dinner tonight. I needed to print something and he said the printer is not working and he will take a look at it. I said: “Okay, I bring the baby to bed and then I would like to print something later”. When I came back down he sat in the kitchen and  I asked him if I can print. He said: “You can print as much as you want!” (not raising his tone or anything like it). I assumed he was sarcastic and angry for whatever reason because the way I simply perceived it. To me it sounded and felt sarcastic. We had an argument about it for half an hour. He said he was not angry, mad or sarcastic at all. 

What I did was I created in a couple of seconds several versions on how he meant what he just said. Is he angry? Bored? Does he think I am stupid for asking this question? My mind simply traveled from one scenario to the next and I started to feel anger. Almost like this little voice inside me said that I am doing it again. I am making up stories in my head. My imagination is just crazy sometimes. (Hello, Jean!) I mean we all do create stories but some of them make my life really miserable for  no reason.

I am certainly not a pro if I write posts on “change”, “self-acceptance” or “balance” for example. I am writing about these things because either I am struggling with them or I am working to improve myself through writing these things down and applying them on a daily basis. I have to say that I am a pro in assuming the worst usually all the time. It is just ridiculous sometimes. There were many times when I assumed a friend just hates me and ignored me on purpose and did not call or write back until I realized that I did send the email to the wrong person. Instantly assuming the worst.

Or I look at people and if they do not fit in a certain category that I feel comfortable with I assume they will hurt me, steal from me and assault me or even rape and kill me. All this particular person wanted from me that time was to know the way to the next pharmacy.

There are even times in my life when everything was falling into place just perfectly fine and instead of being happy and enjoying the moment I assumed and wondered what will happen next because life can’t just be that perfect. Something has to happen, no? I bought this book to get an idea how the unconscious or subconscious mind works. All the stories in our heads have been somewhat programmed since the moment of conception according to the book. I just started reading it so I do not get all technical here on how the brain works ha! It just matters that we do make our own reality.  We basically do not know if the mind is playing tricks or if we judge correctly. Simple as that. Damn… I thought there was a different answer. Something easier!

So this is what I am working on these days. Again, I am not a professional in these things. Far from it. I just try to have uplifting thoughts. I try to  figure out why I have these negative thought right in the moment they pop up. Then I question the validity and the origin of the thought. I work on replacing negative stories with positive ones. So the guy who approached me and looked like a homeless person had good intentions. I do not assume right away he is going to kill me. The key for me is to associate with positive people. And even though my husband is the most positive person I know – sometimes I still assume things. Yes, I am weird – but human. Nobody is perfect. If anybody in my life is trying to feed negative thoughts to my mind I just send them away or I leave. I have no time for negative people. I have enough work to do with my own self.

I know that I have to stop assuming things, especially when it comes to the people who love me and are very important in my life. It takes practice and a lot of attention. I read a quote once but forgot who said it. Here it is: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

“If traveling was for free, you would never see me again”. – David Wolfe. 

I love to travel. Always have – always will.  On July 11st my son and I flew to Paris to meet my husband and his daughter Emma to enjoy this great adventure of Martinique, U.S.A. and Canada in approximately 8 weeks. I was excited but also a little worried and sad. I would leave my parents behind with whom I stayed for 1 1/2 years. Leave this comfort and sort of being protected to go on with my own life. It was weird but I hopped on the plane. I am still very thankful that my parents did not have to take me to the airport but my good friend Alex from next door. This made things easier for sure.

So my son and I flew to Paris. Business class (even though it was only 1 1/2 hours flight but still). The food was great:

One day before my birthday. Awesomeness! We all met at the airport and headed to our hotel next. Checked in, rented a car and had dinner at this place:

So what would my birthday have been like without checking out the Eiffel Tower? It is just amazing to be right below it and look up. I love Paris. I simply cannot get enough of this city.

The next day was my 34th birthday and I spent it mostly on the plane which was fine because we flew to Martinique. I knew by the end of the day and after an eight hour flight I will be in the ocean and swim that same day. My son is not two years old yet so he does not need a seat his own seat. Good for our wallets but not good for our legs. He sat mostly on mine unfortunately because he was very cranky and tired and just needed some mommy. We were all glad when we finally landed.

It was very warm and humid at first but not uncomfortable. Especially not after the cab driver took us to our resort/bungalow in Anse a l’Ane  which is part of trios ilets and we literally changed into our bathing suits and ran to the beach. We haven’t been there too long when my husband decided to take a swim to where the boats were located. It was pretty far out there but he did it because he knew that one of the boats belonged to his sister and her husband. And he said: “They are all on this boat!” (His two sisters, and brother plus the sister’s husband and their daughter)

The boat is just awesome. We all loved it. My son was in paradise with all the buttons, strings and water.  It was some sort of a family reunion which was somewhat planned but nevertheless one of the best experiences I have ever had. All this happiness to see everybody again.

We all stayed in Martinique for three weeks – intentionally we wanted to stay for two weeks but we loved it too much. 🙂 It was one of the best vacations I have ever had in my life – hands down. The weather was perfect, company was perfect, my son had a blast at the beach and even went into the water after only one week. Initially he was very scared of the water for whatever reason but then my husband started to built sandcastles close to the water so he got more and more comfortable to go in and play in the water.

Just a quick reminder how our day looked: We got up pretty early for us (7-8am!!!) and usually went for a swim in the ocean. Classic! Then came back to have some breakfast. Usually some local fruit:

This here is Guava and Dragon Fruit which was so yummy. We also had coconut water almost daily (freshly made and sold at little stands on the side of the road!), mangoes (so sweet and delicious), bananas (they tasted different than the regular bananas so my son did not want to eat any at all and he usually has ONE for breakfast, weird son!) My favorite was by far: Maracuja!!!! This fruit is just so delicious!!! I have never had it before but every time I ate it I felt like a million bucks. 😀

This is how Maracujas looks:

You like to go there as well now? Here are just some more things we have done throughout the vacation that might make you actually buy the ticket right now. My top five:

1. Les Salines Beach

This beach was the most awesome beach we have been to on the trip. (see title picture). It is the longest beach on Martinique and has very calm, clear blue water and sandy beach. All the little food vendors that came by give you the option to chose some local food as well. We had some coconut ice-cream with cinnamon and lime sold by an elderly woman. The whole experience was just amazing. No preservatives added :). So this beach is just a nice place to spend the day. In a hammock if you wish. You are surrounded by palm trees.

 2. Habitation Clement/Clement House

I do not like rum. I am usually a wine-person. Hello! Married to a Frenchi! However, I made an exception here and had some rum – rum in Martinique is just the real deal. The Clement house is a restored rum distillery and sugar plantation. How they restored the grounds and the old Creole house is just astounding. All the painting on the walls, the porcelain and silver and in every room of course one glass of rum poured on display. I love books and this house was full of them and old telephones and typewriters. Everything in excellent conditions which gives you a great idea how life was back then in a sugar plantation. We did the audio guided tour and all thought it was truly amazing. Rum tasting at the end 😉

3. Rocher du Diamant/ Diamond Rock and Grand Riviere

We rented a car to just be independent and we enjoy road trips. We started early in the morning and headed to the Diamond Rock. It is an island south of Fort-de-France and the main port of the Caribbean island of Martinique. It is famous because of the reflections of its sides cast during a certain time of the day. It is also very famous for its role in the Napoleonic War.  It was truly breathtaking and we have not even been on the island. We continued our road trip all the way up north to Grand Riviere. There, we had lunch at Tante Arlette which serves the best Lambi I have ever had on this vacation.

(photo credit Joel Henry)

4. Musee de la Pagerie 

This museum was a former sugar estate and the birthplace of Marie Joseph Rose Tascher de la Pager, the future Empress Josephine. (I did some research prior to our visit on wikipedia and google about her). We went on a guided tour that lasted approximately one hour. There is not much to see anymore because a lot had been destroyed but the guide told as plenty about the history of this place. (In french… mmmm so I bothered my husband with all the details I did not get). The formerly family kitchen has been turned into a museum that describes Josephine’s childhood – her bed, many letters to Napoleon as well as some of her clothing. Across the street there are the ruins of the old mill that you can access for free which we also did. We had Joel in a Child Carrier the entire time which was great.

5. Pottery Center

This is a great place if you are looking for something local or souvenirs to bring back home or to eat some awesome food in one of their restaurant. In one store they sell their hand made soap and it just smells so good in there. Of course I bought some. There are many shops to buy pottery (hence the name) so you can go all crazy. In one of the jewelry stores my husband bought me a ring that my son lost in the car. (yes, I gave it to him to play with….) And there is one store with local spices so we got ourselves a bunch.

These are just my top five of the trip but we did so much more. However, because my husband’s sister Evelyne and her husband live in Martinique they showed us the real deal. We attended her birthday party with the most awesome local food. Evelyne is crazy into sports for a long time. She is giving sightseeing and hiking – diving and snorkeling tours in Martinique. So she proposed one day to pick us up early in the morning to show us the nicest spots and the best views. So with our baby carrier as mentioned early we all left at 9am. She had all the equipment needed for a trip like this (nordic walking poles, backpack with water supply through a tube etc.). So I have to say the trip was tough but insane-reaching-my-limits-awesome. We ended up at Anse Noir – a beach with black sand. There we had lunch that she brought. Sandwich with sliced spicy cucumbers, carrots and a cod fish vegetable salad on a baguette. It tasted like heaven, especially the workout we had done previously.

Fort-de-France is also a great place to visit. Nice city to spend a morning or late afternoon because it was very hot when we were there at noon. Visit the local market there for spices and local food. There is a plethora of clothing stores if you want to go crazy in that direction. Having had a taste of what the local food cuisine had to offer: DO try Acras crevette (or any other type of Accra – they serve it as an appetizer and it is perfect with your rum), Labmis and Chatrou!

Thank you for reading.

How do I motivate myself to consistently write? To just sit here every evening and type along? Simply – because I love it. It makes me happy. This is my creative outlet. My portal to share how I feel and think. I have to admit I have a limited time. During the day I just have no peace to write when my son needs to be entertained and wants some Mama time. So once he is in bed, this is the time I have for myself. Then I decide what I do. Tonight I watched  a movie with my husband just because I want to spend as much time possible with him until he leaves for his mission. Sniff!

And I have to admit it is easier to stay on this couch and being comfortable and keep on watching movies with him.  Or just lots of different easier things than writing that I could do with my limited time. So I have been thinking that I had so much more time to do anything before I had my son. I went to the gym whenever I wanted and stayed out for as long as I wanted. And I wrote for as long as I wanted whenever I wanted. Things have changed slightly; however, I know that for me to be the best mom ever I have to take care of myself. To motivate myself to carve out some time in my day to better my body, mind and spirit. Once I do my Yoga I feel better, happier and healthy and it just makes me feel good. I just want to be a good example for my son and I really think this is my responsibly and what it all comes down to. For him to be healthy there have to be healthy role models in his life I believe. All I want is to see him grow up healthy and live a long life – and maybe even be a grandparent too one day.

For myself I hope to live my life full of travel and activity and I want to go to bed at night and know that I just got the most out of every day – that I just did everything to be a good person, positive (mostly, yes, I know Jean). I know I can change the climate in this house in a second. If I am not happy nobody is. Sad, but true. I am working on this. I know that my son even feels that I am in a bad mood and he is not even two years old. Sometimes it is just a good thing to motivate myself to do something just for myself and treat myself. And everybody knows these excuses that one comes up with: I will do this tomorrow, I will go tomorrow, It is not really important so I do it tomorrow so I just sit in front of the computer checking Facebook updates for several hours.

I have realized that all this is some sort of snowball effect. If I postpone something until tomorrow the cycle just continues for some reason. It just goes on and on. So I just do what I have to do on a daily basis. I write my post on a daily basis. I do my Yoga and Meditations on a daily basis. This makes me feel good and happy. Simple as that.

This can be applied to everything and anything in life – just get up and do it. Do not waste time. As I have mentioned many times before we only have this one life. You are the only one who can make this choice of change for yourself and always keep in mind “why wouldn’t you”? I think I deserve to be happy and be the best I can be and also deserve to treat myself to a little alone time during the day to clear my mind and head and to focus again. Also to exercise my body through mediation and yoga and my mind through writing. I remember I even took the stroller with my son when he was still tiny and walked for literally two hours a day – sometimes three- I worked out and he was sleeping and breathing in the fresh air. It was awesome. I just took the stroller and went. The journey is the key – not the destination! 🙂