.SOMETIMES RAW.

I know it has been quiet around here but I am pretty busy working on my thesis as well as on some personal issues. One question that popped up recently however is if I like what I am currently doing. Kind of like, “Do you like your job?”

“Hello, my name is Daniela and I am currently linguistically analyzing genuine suicide notes for my Master’s thesis and I really believe this might help so my nightmares eventually stop.” There are times when I feel restless and sad indeed. Especially when I read and analyze what suicidal people wrote in their maybe last minutes/hours alive which gives me goosebumps at points. It is not easy, let me tell you. Again, since this is still at a very early stage of my work I won’t discuss it further here. If you have questions or would like to know more about it send me an email through contact. 

I have a bunch of friends who envy my life and think this is all fancy which then makes them fantasize at the same time about going back to school, moving to a different country or even imagine doing something completely different like living off their land or joining a Kibbutz in Israel. But do they actually make the significant final step that it takes to start something new? Or is it just a dream that bursts like my son’s colorful dishwashing detergent bubbles? Changing careers or life is not easy or at least it wasn’t for me when I quit my job as a police officer in Munich. Quitting a job is a process that should be given quite some thought before actually making this decision.  

My parents are working at the same company for 35+ years. Wow! A long time! I watched Office Space yesterday and it made me realize once more that I made the right decision to make a slight change in my career path for now. But what makes many people stay with the company they are working for even though their mind is wandering every single day and they detest what they are doing day in and day out? Is it routine, starting lower again in the hierarchy, uncertainty, convenience, (German) Angst of the unknown, security, fear to lose the pension, safety, comfort, all of the above or something completely different? 

I don’t know anybody in my family or closer circle of friends (okay, maybe one: Ronia Fraser) who took the steps I did. Leaving Germany behind, saying goodbye at the airport to your loved ones and heading off to start a new life somewhere else. In a different country and different culture. When I started working at the UN, I realized after a while that it is totally okay to have two, three of four career changes already in ones working life. Many people I met went through major career changes and are fine. Nothing happened and honestly, they seemed happier, gained life experience  and are more content. I believe that switching career paths these days becomes more and more common and is okay. I met a woman who went from working as a banker on Wall Street to become a wedding planner and blogger. I reckon everything is possible, eh. 

The thing I always wondered about while I patrolled the streets of Munich was if this is it or if there is something else out there. Could I stick with this job until I retire? Of course, there are departmental changes possible within the police but nothing sounded tempting to me to stay or apply for something different. I was very young when I resigned (23!) and even younger when I joined the Police Force (17!!). The first steps are always the hardest. I brainstormed, researched and I knew I love New York. I love writing, I love the English language, I like the UN core values and I love to travel. I applied. I gave it a shot. And I got the position that changed my life 180 degrees and threw new challenges and tasks at me. I knew if I would not have resigned; and many people told me not to, I would have thought about this path not taken forever wondering what if. 

When people ask me now why I quit my “secure” police job I tell them that I was not happy. It just did not fulfill me. It made me very sad at points as well as frustrated and helpless. I still have nightmares about some of the things I saw while on duty and struggle mentally. It was very intense, tough and necessary for me to admit, that I needed to make a change even though deep inside I was struggling if I should take this sort of big risk to start something new. 

I never regretted this step. New doors started opening up. New challenges, new adventures. I went for something that sounded completely insane but I figured out a way to do it. Courage is important too I guess. And I think that it is okay to make wrong decisions since it is worth trying anyway. 

I should work on my MA Proposal but then again, it is Saturday night and I had an awesome day today that I would like to share. So there was this idea to hand my son my Canon camera to explore since he always wants to take pictures. I showed him my photo album recently and all the pictures from many years ago when I noticed this flicker of interest in photography in his eyes. We played outside in the park and at the playground and I took my camera with me. He was again all over it so I thought that it is okay to just hand it to him. With precaution of course. New lease, awesome camera, expensive, him constantly dropping (expensive) things. Yeah….

I explained and showed him once how to take a picture and he got it and understood. He did not change any settings of course but he carried my camera around almost everywhere we went. He has shot ALL of the black squirrels in the park, portraits of random things, his toys, portraits of me, his food and his all time favorite: the sky, birds and people’s shoes and hands. 

Looking over the memory card today, I thought I have to publish some of his “work” here since I think it is quite amazing and I was at points awestricken. We have been to the Musée canandien de la Guerre froide (Canada’s Cold War Museum) today and they had an Easter Egg Hunt throughout the bunker which was amazing. We ended up looking at everything else but the egg; nonetheless he received his bag of chocolate eggs for “finding almost all the eggs” in the end anyway. 

I love the naive, honesty in whatever he shoots. I love his eye and his focus on random, yet for him special things. I asked him today if he is planning to do anything with all his pictures since I showed him everything he shot today on the computer. He simply replied: “I just love to take pictures, Mommy!” 

Hey Hey! 

I know, I know. I haven’t been around lately but I missed writing here and this blog – as usual. There is just so much going on right now and the small amount of time I have left after I come home from my courses or the university library for the day I love to spent with my son or good friends and even try to read for pleasure at points. I stop complaining because I love my life the way it is with all its craziness and time spent researching and working on my Masters Thesis. And after all, here I am again, right?!

I had a great conversation with my mother recently about motherhood, raising a child and having another one. My friend Julia gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl yesterday and baby-talk came up naturally. I am happy for my friend and wish her all the best obviously. She needs strong nerves with two children I reckon. However, let’s be honest here. The people who know me realize pretty quickly that I am a selfish woman at points. I am a loving mother, yes, but I am far away from forgetting who I am completely. I simply cannot see myself being a stay-at-home-mom and only raise my offspring. I have done so, with the help of my parents, for almost three years and I must say that I have gotten pretty tired of it. It was a great time, don’t get me wrong, but I felt that something was missing. I don’t judge mothers who decide to stay home for good and never want to do anything also but raise their progeny. If this is your thing and it makes you happy, good for you. 

As far as myself, I put my life on a hold for some time. This is normal. Especially, after I gave birth. This little person needed me and he will always need me. But hopefully, less and less which is awesome. I am gaining a bit of my somewhat adolescent lifestyle back, readings, movie nights or even nights out with friends and some parties. Many things changed since my son was born and I am not even looking for “those times” (talking to the toilet-ghost and this bad morning-after) anymore. I did it all – when it was time to do so. I grew up. I learned and made decisions. Then again on the other hand, I don’t want to give up anything really, just because I have a child. I love being a mother; I love to teach him things, love to see him grow up, see how smart he is and I imagine how handsome he will be when he grows up. (Now he is just so cute!) He is worth everything to me; however, he is not the king he seems to think he is sometimes. We share valuable moments together, he goes to kindergarten, he plays with his friends – he develops his personality. I watch over him and sometimes still feel a little guilt when I have to leave for an evening class at school. At the same time, I am not maman poule. He also learnt that fire is hot. 

I want to be his friend without forgetting who I am, what I want; without forgetting that I am a woman and not his slave. I don’t want to miss the life I had before. I just include and add him to it all with the goal of encouraging his chivalry and eventually raising a man.