SOMETIMES RAW

During my careers over the past 25 years, I’ve developed a few strong work beliefs. For example: Always have hard conversations in person, not over email. Take all your vacation, and stay home if you are sick. Everything takes forever, so factor in more time than you think you’ll need. Obviously, there are many others but what is the #1 career lesson I’ve learned and the thing I teach my colleagues to do? The big takeaway I hope my kid will absorb? Here it is, and once you do it, it becomes easy…

Say a kind and firm no.

I say no allllllll day long, and I have zero emotions around it. People want a lot of things, and that’s great! They should ask for them! I ask them for things, too! But that doesn’t mean we all owe each other everything, just because we want stuff. You need to guard your time and bandwidth, and it’s absolutely fine to say yes or no to whatever is asked of you.

Saying no does NOT mean you’re ungenerous or unkind to others; it simply means you are careful with what you agree to take on. And when you say no, you can say bigger yeses!

Here’s one way to think about it: You have a certain amount of “coins” of time and bandwidth per day, and it’s up to you how you spend them. You wouldn’t give money to everyone who asked, and in the same way, you don’t need to give your help or time or energy just because people ask. If someone wants you to look over their resume, and that takes two coins, do you have two coins to spare? If yes, go ahead and share those coins. But if not — if you’re saving those two coins for prepping for a meeting, or hanging out with your family, or even just staring at the ceiling — say a kind no. Your time and bandwidth are valuable and limited and 100% yours to spend.

For any recovering people pleasers: please know that people can absolutely handle the small disappointment of having you say no to their requests. Respect them and trust that they will be just fine! We believe in them! I once had a smart, wonderful friend who got twisted in knots because she listed an armoire on Facebook Marketplace, and a bunch of people replied, but she could only give the armoire to one of them. I assured her that those who did not get the armoire would be able to handle it. They could move forward, armoire-less, and still have a nice life. Plus, it’s not her — or your or my — responsibility to manage other people’s emotions, which is a lesson I’ve spent a lot of my life learning.

I think it’s especially important for women to learn to say no, easily and often, since we can often feel immense pressure to serve others. It gets easier and easier as you practice, and once you get good at it? Honestly, it feels like freedom.

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Here are a few “no” phrases to have in your back pocket, if you need them:

Someone invites you to a party/dinner/event and you don’t have the bandwidth:

This sounds like so much fun, but sadly I’m not free!

I can’t make it that night, but please think of me next time.

I have unbreakable plans* that night, unfortunately, but have the best time.

Someone wants to crash at your place but you don’t have the bandwidth:

I can’t host this month, but I’d love to see you when you’re here.

I am not able to host right now, but want me to recommend a few cute Airbnbs?

I can’t host this month, but please reach out again in the future. I love you!

Someone wants you to help with their work, but you don’t have the bandwidth:

Sadly, I’m not doing any side projects at the moment because of time constraints, but thanks for thinking of me.

I promised myself I wouldn’t take on anything else right now (bc of other commitments), so I have to pass, but I hope it goes so well.

Unfortunately, I’m booked up with my own stuff right now, but I’d love to help next time if the timing works!

* taking a hot bath, going out for ice cream, or reading in bed all count as unbreakable plans

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Sometimes you’ll hear people say, “Just say yes, and you’ll figure it out. Just take the opportunity.” I’m like, “No. You can say no. Maybe you should say no a lot.” I’ve said no so many times. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have a job. So many people ask you for things constantly. Just find a kind and gracious way to say no, and say it over and over and over until there’s something you feel will really bring you value or there’s a real reason for doing it. But definitely don’t say yes to everything. That’s bananas advice. Get good at saying no.

Thoughts? How do you feel about saying no?

Who am I to offer life advice, but here goes. In a fun way, because humor and smiling wins. Enjoy!

How do I live longer?
Stress is a leading cause of early death. Avoid stress by spending every single day thinking about what you need to do to not die. If that doesn’t work, try meditation. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and remember that each second of meditation is a battle in the war on Father Time. Good luck, soldier.

How important is sleep?
Nothing is more important than a good night’s sleep. So-called “friends” will invite you out for long nights of drinks, dancing, and “companionship.” Recognize this danger and return to your bed or couch.

So what’s a good sleep schedule?
Wake up at 4:30 a.m., no exceptions. The smug satisfaction of telling everyone you wake up at 4:30 a.m. will power you for at least one hundred years.

What’s your best tip?
Research shows nasal breathing is healthier than mouth breathing. Duct tape your mouth shut and only breathe through your nose. When someone asks if you’re being held hostage, blink twice to let them know you heard about this on a podcast.

What should my diet look like?
Meat would be healthy, but it’s full of microplastics. Fruits and vegetables would be healthy, but they’re doused in pesticides. Play it safe with a diet of powders, potions, shakes, and sludge. The healthiest foods come from cardboard boxes you can order on your phone. Keep in mind, strong muscles need protein. Chug protein like your life depends on it, because it literally does. Consume so much protein your kidneys can’t process it, then when your doctor tells you to stop, say, “I bet that’s exactly what Big Pharma wants me to do, isn’t it?” And of course, never consume seed oils. Don’t even google “seed oils.” If you don’t actually know what seed oils are, they can’t hurt you.

Can modern medicine be trusted?
Doctors make money by keeping you sick. Beat the system and get all your medical advice from the Internet. Take as many supplements as humanly possible. Bonus points if those supplements are illegal in your country.

Any advice for long-term brain health?
Keep your mind young and nimble by reading widely. Read books about history, self-sufficiency, how to grow things, how to be at peace with yourself, and how not to kill your kid(s). Solve The New York Times crossword puzzle daily.

Do you recommend skincare? I want to look younger too.
If you look good, you feel good. Get a skincare regimen to prevent signs of aging. Dry skin? Moisturize. Gray hair? Dye it. Sagging skin? Botox and Filler up as much as possible. Don’t worry about side effects. Don’t appreciate the way you look.

Is sun exposure okay?
The sun is poisonous. It will give you cancer, or worse, wrinkles. Avoid sun exposure at all costs. Drown yourself in sunscreen. Live underground. Find a pack of moles and slowly embed yourself in their society. Teach the moles about the benefits of intermittent fasting.

What about exercise?
For a long, healthy life, lift weights. Model your health on strong men who are built like commercial freezers and top looking models with zero flaws. Obviously, they are never photoshopped, and they ALL look exactly like in the picture in those dumb beauty magazines you read. Look for the classic markers of good health: taut skin, bloodshot eyes, and hair growing out of places you didn’t know existed.

What if I am in a toxic relationship?
Get out and stay single. Also, have no kids. Like zero. No marriage, and no kids.

Just give me your last piece of advice.
Death is a prison. To live forever is to break free. We must escape and fly high, like Icarus. Icarus escaped prison. Icarus flew high. He challenged the gods. I haven’t read the whole story, but that sounds like a pretty cool guy to base my life around. You should too.

So, I am obsessed with everything Japan. When I travelled to Tokyo last year, I realized that Japanese technology and lifestyle is way into the fulive well in the future already. While I was in awe most of the time, I even fell in love with the Japanese toilets. Especially after watching the Japanese movie “Perfect Days”. Since my toilet at home needs repair, I am considering purchasing one of these babies because once you have a Japanese toilet, it will take going to the toilet to a different level. This is probably how it will all go down, though (no pun intended):

Congratulations, we’ve successfully installed your new Japanese toilet. I’m Haruki, your toilet technician, and—I hear you loud and clear: you desperately need to go number two. Let’s get you logged into your new toilet.

No, I’m afraid you can’t “just go fast and then log into the toilet”—you need to activate your Murakami subscription to enable flushing. Don’t think of it as a recurring monthly fee for standard toilet functionality; consider it the premium you pay for our constantly evolving suite of features.

All right, your toilet is ready for Bluetooth pairing. I promise, after this quick initial setup, you’ll think: “I can’t believe I used to poop the old-fashioned way.” Yes, you do need to enable two-factor authentication, or else your toilet lid won’t unlock.

Let me repeat back what you just said to me. You said: “Please, please, please, for the love of God, hurry up.” Did I understand your concern correctly? Great—I see the problem: you downloaded version 2.1.1 of the Murakami app, the version currently available in the App Store. We just need to manually override you to the unreleased nightly beta build, or the toilet will spit poop out backwards. I assume you’ve broken your phone? Not a problem; I’m happy to void your iPhone’s warranty for you.

I understand you’re currently about to explode. Almost done: we just need to establish your butt fingerprint. I’m afraid it is necessary—that is, if you want to receive your sixteen-dimensional Gut Intelligence Report, including microbiome, inflammation, and other exciting metrics. I’m afraid it’s completely impossible to enable this feature at any time other than the initial setup—and it’s sort of the entire point of a Smart Toilet.

Perfect—you’re now 100 percent set up! And we just need you to pick your “package”, which is technically not part of the setup phase. I recommend the Premium Plus Package, although the Gold Plus Premium Package does let you flush toilet paper. No, you cannot flush regular paper—only Smart Paper, which is currently impossible to find due to supply-chain issues.

I understand your poop situation is now at DEFCON-2, and yes, I am aware that lower DEFCONs are, for some reason, worse. I just need you to accept the terms and conditions—no, of course, we’re not sending your feces to the cloud. We only send your fecal data to the cloud. But don’t worry: it’s 98 percent encrypted.

No, we’re not a poop data-collection company. We’re a poop data-collection and monetization platform, but again, have no fear: we don’t sell your poop data to the highest bidder. We sell your poop data indiscriminately. Just imagine: by scanning your poop, we could detect you have Crohn’s disease up to two years before your primary care physician—and we’ll even tell you about it if you upgrade to the Certified Gold Members Tier.

Congratulations, you’re now ready to poop!

Oh… hmm… it looks like your toilet doesn’t recognize your butt fingerprint. Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal, but you should know your toilet is currently calling the police.

The “Tokyo Toilet” refers to a public art project and has inspired a photo book and the Oscar-nominated movie Perfect Days directed by Wim Wenders. The project involved renowned architects designing 17 unique public restrooms in Shibuya, Tokyo, which serve as the setting for the film.

Happy reading, happy pooping and go watch that movie, it’s amazing.

via Bleubird

Greetings, and Happy New Year.

I hope your break was restorative in whatever way you needed most. Heartwarming, soul-mending, surrounded by the people you like and love, or at the very least, a moment of stillness and quiet. We have one last day with our tree in full glory before I begin operation breakdown, efficiently wiping all evidence of the holidays from our home. I’m usually sad to see it go, but I feel ready. Ready for normalcy, for routine, and for the small pleasure of things moving back where they belong.

I gave up on New Year’s resolutions many years ago. The demand for sudden, total self-improvement on January 1st seems absurd and somewhat punitive, and the guilt that follows when a novella of change attempted all at once inevitably fails is never worth the effort. Instead, I keep a small set of intentions that I return to or may need reinforcement. Without further ado…

Showing up for myself

I’m good at showing up for people I care about. I lend a hand or an ear or can offer advice when it’s needed and do it even on days I’d rather not. I take a certain pride in that. 

Where I struggle is in extending the same discipline to myself. This year, I want to keep my own promises with equal seriousness. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it. I take my own advice. I schedule the appointments, book the class, do the work, and show up for myself daily, without negotiation. 

Four things

This is a practice I started in 2024 and one I’ve come to rely on. It helps me get things done and, more importantly, show up for myself. Most days, it keeps me productive. On the harder ones, it keeps overwhelming from taking the wheel. My daily to-do list allows space for only four things. That’s it.

The first is nonnegotiable. Something that needs immediate attention, usually work-related or time-sensitive. It’s something that keeps my family and me on track or a step closer to whatever comes next. It sits at the top of the list because it can’t be ignored. It’s one thing. Do it. Do it first.

The second is the things I’ve been avoiding. The doctor’s appointment. Garden and house projects to come. A return that needs to be dropped off before the window closes. The phone call that will take an hour, when I feel like I don’t have an hour to spend. 

The third is mine. Call it self-care if you want. Time spent in the kitchen prepping meals to make the evenings run smoothly. Doing nothing but drinking a cup of tea and reading my book on the couch. The deep-tissue Thai massage my back’s been begging for. Finishing my writing. Meeting a friend for a hike. Something chosen deliberately as a reminder that life is not only what needs doing. 

Four: Planning and making 2026 a travel & explore year. Destinations like Paris, New York, and Japan are on the 100% list.

Four things. That’s it. Everything else waits down below, patiently for another day and another list of four. More often than not, ticking those four boxes leaves me feeling accomplished enough to keep going. And sometimes, that’s when the real work begins.

A daily recap

I’ve always been able to keep a proper diary, journal, or this blog for years. In 2026, I want to take it easy. My last book, The Average of all Possible Things, was published in 2025, and I’ve let go of whatever expectations I’d attached to book writing for now. Whatever happens will happen, but I won’t force anything. It is fine if it is just a small pause at the end of the day to take stock and write down a few words. No full sentences required. 

Here are my entries so far:

1/1/2026: Started the year laughing with friends. Hoping it ends the same. Bed at 2am, oops. fruit for breakfast. Watched Pretty in Pink (1986). Not hungover since I celebrate sobriety for 3 years, but still napped in the afternoon. A lovely lazy day. HNY!

2/1/2026: Worked on my blog. Feeling motivated to push myself and make this year my bitch. Planned a couple of vacations for 2026. Thought about attending an Ashtanga Yoga Retreat. Vitisted my bookstore and bought many books. Duh! Spent the afternoon/evening reading.

3/1/2026: Woke up at 9 am. Had a nice breakfast and chat with my parents. Quiet morning with the X-mas tree and family. Indoor Playground with Joel, my sister and her kids. Joel yelling and then crying. Going to bed early.

4/1/2026: Laundry is done. Favorite sweatshirt is clean. Bought curtains online. Wrote for hours. Made lunch and dinner with mom. A good day.

That is all for now, but I will be here sooner rather than later—I made a promise to myself. 😉 

Happy New Year, and as always, thank you for reading! Don’t take yourself and life too seriously.

xx

P.S. Please share a goal or intention of yours with the class. I love this shit!

It’s 9:45 p.m. You put in an extra, late spurt – for supper, you had a toasted sandwich at your desk, brushing the occasional crumb from the keyboard while you kept at it. It was difficult. But now it’s done. You have made the progress you had hoped to. Probably, it will all start again in the morning, but you will be working off a solid base – it won’t be the familiar scramble to catch up.

You are worn out. You had to make yourself stick at it – but now you are glad you did. There is a gentle ache in the middle of your back. You yawn and turn your neck from side to side; you stretch around and try to massage an awkward spot below your left shoulder blade. In a while, you will need to head off to bed – but not just yet. It is nice to linger and spin out the moment of repletion. It is lovely to saunter about and make a cup of tea. You might flick indifferently through the newspaper. You can’t get engaged: your brain has done its work and shies away from any further efforts.

The pleasure we feel after a good but hard day’s work is linked to a positive experience of willpower. It was tempting to break off; you could have put it off until tomorrow (you have often done that in the past); you could have become distracted (which is achingly familiar); you could have stayed physically at your desk but actually been fantasising about trips to in New York and Japan next year or finding out what your favorite author is up to at the moment. But you didn’t. You stuck with the big thing.

It’s also to do with a sense of mastery: in anticipation, we slightly feared the task. But we got on top of this tricky thing, and we tamed it. There were points when it felt we might not: it was too difficult; a solution seemed elusive; there were too many things we were trying to get right at the same time; a mass of details needed to be reduced to a simple, coherent shape – though it wasn’t at all obvious what this could be. An awkward email needed a tactful but firm response; a refusal had to be delivered without a sting; a criticism needed to be put forward delicately but very clearly. A hunch had to be turned into a proposal – and there is always a difficult point at which what had, from a distance, seemed like a good idea starts to look much less impressive close up, yet it was onto something …. only what exactly? Maybe you had to revise a report, and you dreaded unpicking work you had already done and facing the same old issues once again. We have been labouring against the normal forces of disintegration. Things that were scattered and messy have been brought together, harmonised, tidied up, elucidated. We have done something fundamental. We have held back the tide of chaos.

The pleasure of a long, productive project hints at a bigger theme. It is not simply about this moment and the particular tasks we have polished off. It is a promise that other problems can be faced as well. We are reminded of a capacity within ourselves to deal with difficulties, to get on top of challenges and to keep going until they are under control. We are seeing in ourselves an antidote to the fear of drifting. We naturally worry we will be swamped by demands; we know our own unfortunate tendency to let things fester. But right now, we are conscious of something else. We are capable of rousing ourselves, of focus and of sustained efforts. We can stick with something difficult and keep going through the temptations to break off and seek distraction. We have been just a little bit heroic, and we know it, and it feels nice.

Exhaustion is – all too often – a reason to have to give up because one’s strength has failed too soon. The brain starts to melt when really we should be getting on with a big task; the mind is worn out, while the problem remains unsolved. Instead, now, we are experiencing honourable or worthy tiredness. Instead of getting annoyed with ourselves for lacking energy, our pleasant tiredness feels like the natural and just reward for our labours. It’s setting us up for a good night’s sleep.

With this being said, my new book has been born.

Order it from any bookstore or on Amazon.

https://www.buchschmiede.at/app/book/263072-Daniela-Henry-The-Average-of-All-Possible-Things;bookType=PB

Thank you so much for reading my stuff.

A small pleasure is one of those tiny acts or moments that make you feel extreme peace or joy or gratitude. It’s easy to overlook them in our day-to-day lives, but once we notice them, we’re able to feel more present. For the past 9 years, I’ve been compiling small pleasures in my Notes app, in my journals, and in my mind. 

I came across the book “Small Pleasures” by The School of Life a few years ago. It’s one of my favorite books — reading it is a small pleasure in itself. Every chapter touches on a different moment, like that feeling when you’re finally fully recovered after being sick, or when you’re physically exhausted after a productive day, or when you and someone else dislike the same person, or the feeling of a night alone at a hotel.

Small pleasures just always feel so good. And they help us see life from a fresh perspective. They might be small, but they’re a big inspiration.

As an introduction to this newsletter, here are just some of my own small pleasures I’ve been compiling over the years:

• Being on a plane and seeing how tiny the earth below me looks (especially when you’re flying over a suburban neighborhood filled with bright, blue, picturesque swimming pools in the backyards)
• Finding handwritten messages in old books (Who is Timothy? Did they actually like this birthday gift? Did they even read this book or did they just donate it?)
• Being in my childhood room when I go back home to visit and waking up to the smell of breakfast being cooked 
• Seeing the insides of different apartments when I’m walking down the street and admiring furniture, lamps, and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves
• Going to the restroom at a restaurant and coming back to the table and the food is already there 
• Getting drawn by someone you’re in love with 
• When the bathroom shelf is restocked with freshly washed towels 
• Things I have learned having lived in New York City and Ottawa, Canada

How to Experience More Luxury Every Day throught Small Pleasures

We all need to be experiencing more luxury in our daily lives. By luxury, I don’t necessarily mean expensive. Unless it’s expensive in a Tom Ford perfume kind of way (my weakness). 

Treat your home like a small gallery 

I have small tables in one of my reading nooks/rooms and I use it for displaying my favorite books and objects. It’s kinda like my “what’s on display for this week?” table. Right now, I’ve got a poetry book by Fernando Pessoa, Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island which my son is reading, a book on gardening that a friend gifted us, and a candle.

Keep a stash of extra journals and stationery 

I’m all for having a bunch of journals handy. I am a writer, I need those things. I prefer the Japanese brand Hobonichi. You’re at a stationery store or traveling? You’re buying a journal—even if you have 10 new ones at home. It’s nice knowing you have a collection of beautiful journals, cards, and sticky notes of all sizes and paper types and colors. They also make great gifts. I also recommend having blank cards and envelopes too so you can design your own with markers and pencils. 

Get an incredible hand soap 

Hand soap is one of those things I will always splurge on. To wash your hands is a daily and necessary act and I may as well have the very best!! My go-tos that smells incredible are the Bath and Body Works soaps. Or just thrift a nice soap dispenser and put whatever soap you want in there.

Make your home smell good

Speaking of scents, your home deserves a few signature scents. Usually, I’m in a candle mood, I’m burning Library from Maison Markosian. 

Fill your fridge and pantry with fun items and prioritize the presentation

My non-negotiables: English breakfast, fancy soups and bowls, good honey, berries, assortment of cheeses, coffee for days, and teas of all flavors. I don’t drink alcohol but cracking open a fun beverage (something frizzy, oxymel, lavender syurup with sparkling water) at 5 pm, adding a singular big ice cube, and sipping it out of your favorite cup or glass? There is nothing more luxurious. I don’t care if I’m eating the simplest meal by myself—I will put a lot of care into the plating because it makes me happy.

Make time to microread 

Even if it’s just for 5 minutes! I can’t stress this enough. It’s better to read just one page a day than not read at all. Sometimes I don’t read because I think I need an entire hour dedicated to it, but it’s been freeing to let go of that. I’ll squeeze in a few pages in the morning or while eating lunch. And always carry your book around. Giving yourself time to read every day is one of those necessary luxuries. 

Treat your morning routine like a special ritual 

I love getting ready in the morning once I am fully awake. I listen to Spotify, take my time with my skincare routine, get dressed and drink some warm lemon water and coffee or tea. The whole thing lasts no more than 30 minutes but it’s the best way to start my day.

Never leave the house without a book 

This is a rule I like to follow strictly. Unless my bag is too tiny, I will always carry a book with me. It helps to pack a lighter, more pocket-sized book, but if you want to bring your thicker books, go for it. Many times I’ve arrived at a dinner reservation too early or had an impromptu park hangout and I ended up being so thankful that I had a book with me. You want to have the option of whipping out a book at any given moment!

Treat your tastebuds to something new every week 

Whether you’re trying a new restaurant or cooking a dish you’ve never made before, aim for novelty every week. Pick up a fruit or vegetable you usually don’t get at the farmers’ market. Make a reservation at a restaurant you’ve been wanting to go to since last summer. Eat stuff you don’t usually eat. I grew up a picky eater, so now I’ll try (almost) anything to make up for those years.

Learn something new and go deep 

Find a topic you want to dive deep into. Maybe it’s art history, swimming, running, fly fishing, or crocheting — or all of the above. My brain always craves learning about multiple things at once, so right now I’m focused on modern art history, Frida Kahlo’s life, Mexican interior design, and AI’s impact on mental health. 

Go see all the films and art exhibitions 

Go solo or with company. I like a mix of both. I love to have dinner with friends and then go to the movies by myself. A while ago I went to see Pedro Almodóvar’s Law of Desire (1987). It’s a story following the life of a gay filmmaker in Madrid and the extremes we go to when we’re obsessed with someone. I won’t say anything else, but it was fantastic. As for art galleries, look up the galleries in your city and see what’s currently being shown and what’s coming up. I have a running list of exhibitions I want to check out, the neighborhood they’re in, and how long they’re going on. If I happen to be in the area, I’ll pop in.

Smell good all the time 

I’m still wearing Tom Ford’s Lost Cherry almost every day, but I have a little bag of samples I frequently reach for with perfumes from Le Labo, Byredo, and D.S. & Durga. I especially love Italian Citrus, I Don’t Know What, and Rose 31.

Have do-nothing days 

Christmas season can be super busy, so always make time for days when nothing is on the agenda. You never know what the day will turn into, and it’s one of the best parts of unplanned days. The day will feel soooo long and wonderful. 

Again, pay attention to the small pleasures  

This is how I try to live my life every day. And it’s the inspiration behind this article, after all! Look up at the clouds. Stare at your coffee while it brews. Say hi to your neighbors. See the sunset. Notice your body. Enjoy the cold. Eat lots of healty food. Take siestas. People watch. Have a hot beverage outside. Dine at a fancy restaurant. Let hot chocolate be your drink for this season. Reapply good smelling lotions. Take multiple hot showers a day.

What are some of your small pleasures?

via The New Yorker

Have you ever been on hold for over one hour with your bank? My reason: subscriptions of a website I love to read ran out and cannot be renewed because my card was declined. For no reason! So, I called the 24-hour service hotline written with fat letters on the back of my bank card for help. Obviously, as one does. One problem I have is that more and more people get replaced by machines. Supermarkets, you name it. Robots and AI will rule the world eventually. To talk to a human being on a service hotline is almost impossible. This is what happened when I called my bank:

Thank you for dialing Bank A. Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully, as our options have recently changed.

How can we assist you today? Please tell us what your concern is. To hear about our new payment options, press 1. Are you tired of long response times? Pulling your hair out because your card does not work even though it is full of your hard-earned money and nothing seems to be the problem? Consider upgrading to Bank A+ today. Jump the line for just 19.99 Euro per month. It’s a small price to pay for peace of mind and freedom. Why did you say “nervous breakdown” when we asked you how we can assist you? This is not how this works.

To log in to your bank account, press 2. Please have your username, password, and secondary device ready for two-factor authentication. To create a new account, press #. No emergency assistance will be sent to users without a verified account.

To speak with Reguigui, our new Indian speaking AI response assistant, press 3. This portion of the call will be monitored, but Bank A is not responsible for anything Reguigui may say or imply about your racial background. Recording conversations with Reguigui is strictly prohibited, and posting videos of you calling Reguigui insults will result in a fifteen-minute response delay during your next call. We promise it’s not worth it.

Please note: Attempting to speak with a live representative now incurs a five-euro convenience fee. Let’s see how long you can “hold the line”. We will play some nice elevator music on repeat until foam starts to build around your mouth.

To access our payment management portal, press 4. Paying for your bills online has never been easier.

To listen to some soothing Austrian folk music, press 5. You will be charged by the minute. (At this point I was on hold for 38! minutes and fuming!)

To report a crime in progress, please submit a recent bank statement and a professional reference from your employer. Once Reguigui confirms you meet our income threshold, press 6. To skip this step, press 1 and subscribe to Bank A+ today. Once again, we are not responsible for any weird sexual comments Reguigui may make during this process.

To invest in Bank A-Coins, press 7. We don’t know what they are useful for either.

To report a bank card theft, press 8. After several brief thirty-second ads, you’ll be redirected to an theft response professional. For legal reasons, we are required to inform you that said professional will be Reguigui.

To speak to a bank professional manager, go find one yourself out there. What, you want us to hold your hand through the whole thing? What are you, some kind of weirdo? Press 9 to add a fifty-euro “wealth redistribution” charge to your account, since you like our bank so much.

Press 0 to give up and disconnect the call. This will also charge ten euros to your account.

To speak to a human being, press 10. That’s the 1 key followed by the 0 key. This will definitely not take you to the Bank A+ subscription menu and charge you ten euros.

Stay on the line to engage in phone sex with Reguigui. Your call may be recorded for quality assurance and for Reguigui’s personal collection.

To hear these options again, beg. Get on your knees and beg.

Louder…

Louder…

There we go. Unfortunately, you took too long. Here comes Reguigui. We hope you like to play.

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I told the cleaning ladies to clean all the mirrors first. They really don’t listen, do they.

Some people seem to have it all. Money, fame, mansions, you name it. I always wonder how the super-rich live on a daily basis. But are they truly happy? When money is no issue, when you can do whatever you want. Maybe, maybe not. But it would be fun to live this kind of life for one day. Now, it’s unlikely for wealth to make one miserable. My point here isn’t that money is unimportant; it’s that if we have money without love, freedom, and a well-understood life, we will never be truly happy. And if we have them, but are missing the fortune, we can never be truly unhappy. It’s nice to have an expensive watch, but the watch will never be enough — feel enough — without having someone who will make you lose track of time. But real luxury in life to me is more time, health, financial peace, peace of mind, sense of purpose, restorative sleep, time in nature, meaningful connections and of course travel and time for fun. Here in Riyadh, it seems, ones is surrounded by money. The air smells like money and the abundance of things is enormous. So, to live like the super rich do, here in Riyadh, this is how I imagine it looks.

I play hide-and-seek in my 6000 square meter mansion with my son, both of us dressed in silk loungewear made out of gold. Sometimes, we don’t see each other for day because it is so big. We switch to silk Bisht (a formal, often gold-trimmed, outer cloak) and eat tons of dates and baclava for breakfast, prepared by our kitchen staff.

Later, I wear my new black Chanel dress to the opening of the latest camel and Arabian horse performance in a new overdimensional skyscraper that had been built overnight, enjoying the best and most expensive seats, actually on stage with the horses while they perform. Yeah, that kind of rich.

I own a silk Dior bathrobe exclusively for wafting silently from room to room when I’m home alone.

I celebrate the life of my best friend’s recently departed dog, who was run over by my Rolls-Royce. I am dressed again in black Chanel from head to toe out of respect for Monsieur Le Pooch.

My pilot was five minutes late for pickup, but I still arrived on time at my silent retreat at a Cistercian monastery in the Bahamas, carrying my Louis Vuitton yoga mat. I prepared for the occasion by getting Botox shots in my armpits to ensure that the sound of dripping sweat will not disturb me during scorpion pose.

My butler is contractually obligated to say everything sotto voce (a quiet voice, in case you don’t know. We use big words and terms only because we are fancy!) 

I take a therapist-mandated time-out, during which I must remove my Manolo Blahnik stiletto heels, sit in the corner of my therapist’s office (facing the wall), and remain silent for fifty-five minutes. My therapist is one of the leading proponents of Laconism, a school of psychiatry based on the belief that the best way to treat mental illness is not to speak about it.

I wear my Versace leather jumpsuit at a dinner invitation for diplomatic VIPs only. The US president will be present. Also, all the kings of all kingdoms.

I have a Bottega Veneta toiletry kit full of calming supplements and remedies. It is getting a little chilly outside while I am putting on my Prada wool scarf.

I hold in a fart in the ground-floor bathroom of the Ritz Carlton Hotel.

I bring a suitcase stuffed with Armani cashmere scarves to my lover’s castle. I do this so I can scatter them on the floor and sneak out without waking him the next morning. That’s how much I care about his work as the president of Kingdom INC. 

Now that I’ve created a foundation dedicated to making dates in all variations with real gold sprinkles, I always take care to wear my Valentino wrap coat for the dates headquarters’ annual active-shooter drill and mass casualties drill. 

I take a break from my busy day and read a book at the rooftop cafe of Ritz Carlton Hotel after having indulged in a lunch with too much lobster and caviar. 

When my Kingdom INC lover dumps me at charity date headquarters, I don’t make a scene. I save my screaming and sobbing for the soundproofed space our charity likes to call the “Date-Baclava-Chicken-Rice Room.” 

During my voluntary stay at the Psychiatric Hospital for the super rich, I am confined to a leather-padded cell, wearing a vintage, studded straitjacket designed by Karl Lagerfeld. 

I never talk about money. Only poor people do that.

All sparkly in Riyadh’s Dipomatic District at a Conference Bathroom made out of gold.

WORKER: It’s 6:37 AM. Let’s begin hammering.

SECOND WORKER: Are we nailing anything in today?

WORKER: No, we’re just striking the bare, wooden and marble floors and walls with our hammers.

SECOND WORKER: I’ll turn on the handsaw as well.

WORKER: Great. Let it run by itself against that wall.

SECOND WORKER: How hard are we hammering today?

WORKER: Boss wants us to alternate between hammering with great force and exceptionally great force. We take breaks when the receptionists downstairs leave the building.

THIRD WORKER: Someone paged me about needing help?

WORKER: Yes, it is 6:38 AM and we need help.

THIRD WORKER: Don’t worry, my workers are currently charging up the stairs as if there were a fire. Each one is running up as loud and fast as possible baning against everything possible.

SECOND WORKER: Your men all work out in the gym everyday? They seem so strong! Look at all those muscles. With those they can hammer even louder and harder.

THIRD WORKER: And they never sleep. They can literally work all day and night.

WORKER: We will need help deadlifting these oil drums filled with marbles. And the chainsaws. We took all the chainsaws and hammers we could find.

THIRD WORKER: Where should they go?

WORKER: You can drop them right over everywhere. Make sure you are extra loud and bang against the floor.

THIRD WORKER: That should at least take six more days of hammering and slamming things against the wall.

SECOND WORKER: Great.

WORKER: Do you know the person in the hotel room next to our construction site?

THIRD WORKER: I have seen her. Some security officer. She doesn’t need sleep.

WORKER: God, I hope so. Because we are super loud and annoying. But she looks like she is in good shape. Was at the gym last evening. Let’s hammer more. She can handle it.

SECOND WORKER: Do you think we should tell her to change the room and that this construction will take some time?

THIRD WORKER: Ah, no. If she sleeps less, she will probably get up earlier and work out at the gym even more.

SECOND WORKER: Sleep is overrated anyway. Who needs sleep?

THIRD WORKER: I wonder if she is already up. Well, she will be now….

WORKER: Isn’t she also a writer? I overheard a conversation in the lobby.

SECOND WORKER: Jesus. Oh, of course she is. I overheard this as well. Walls are thin and have ears hahahahahahahahah.

THIRD WORKER: You know what? I think I hate her.

SECOND WORKER: Yes, me too.

WORKER: Me three.

THIRD WORKER: Let’s hammer forever.

via The New Yorker and Rebecca Dunlap

I’ve finally arrived. That’s right, it’s me, your bloodwork results, in your inbox three days after that chatty nurse couldn’t find your vein and left you with a tricolor bruise. I think it’s time you open me up, for inside, I have all the health-related answers you’re seeking.

First and foremost, you’ll have to log on with a password that you have long forgotten. I’ll wait as you do your two-step authentication. I promise I am worth the wait. This is serious business after all. This is life or death.

When you open me, you might be looking for a spot where someone, anyone, ideally the doctor, explains me to you. It gives me more pleasure than I care to admit that there will be none of that here. There is no one here to handhold you. You’re on your own, and I don’t owe you shit. You probably should have gone to med school like your parents secretly hoped for.

I will, however, throw you a bone and color-code myself for you. Anything in bright red will seem concerning to you, and perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. Who am I to say? And who are you to say? I will explicitly state that some of your blood levels fall under the “normal” values, and others above the “normal” values, and either that means you are dying or that you just need to eat some spinach. Oh, you want me to tell you which it is? Ha. That’s funny. Why would I do that? Why would I ever want to dumb myself down for you?

As you can see, I also threw in some confusing words, such as “unremarkable” or “abnormal,” to give you a little extra shock and fear. Fun, right? I want this to be a maze for you, a challenge. I want you to work for the answers about your own body. And quite frankly, I want you to live in fear.

What you can and will undoubtedly do is google the specific blood tests and what your results possibly mean, and please, go at it. It will leave you with more questions than answers. It will likely make you draw conclusions that feed your anxiety. Perhaps it will leave you with images of illnesses that will forever be burned into your memory. I could only hope that is the case.

You’re probably thinking, Screw you, my doctor would tell me if something was really wrong, or else they wouldn’t have sent these. But do you know that for sure? Did you also google that? Because there sure are a lot of numbers here and a lot of arrows up and down and big words that I know you will never be able to pronounce or even grasp, so you might want to rethink that thought process. But hey, what do I know?

Oh right. Everything. I know it all.

Well, now that you’ve pored over me and have convinced yourself you have six months left to live, my work here as an agent of chaos is over. And soon your time on earth will be too. Or it won’t. Again: I will never tell.