Who am I to offer life advice, but here goes. In a fun way, because humor and smiling wins. Enjoy!
How do I live longer?
Stress is a leading cause of early death. Avoid stress by spending every single day thinking about what you need to do to not die. If that doesn’t work, try meditation. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and remember that each second of meditation is a battle in the war on Father Time. Good luck, soldier.
How important is sleep?
Nothing is more important than a good night’s sleep. So-called “friends” will invite you out for long nights of drinks, dancing, and “companionship.” Recognize this danger and return to your bed or couch.
So what’s a good sleep schedule?
Wake up at 4:30 a.m., no exceptions. The smug satisfaction of telling everyone you wake up at 4:30 a.m. will power you for at least one hundred years.
What’s your best tip?
Research shows nasal breathing is healthier than mouth breathing. Duct tape your mouth shut and only breathe through your nose. When someone asks if you’re being held hostage, blink twice to let them know you heard about this on a podcast.
What should my diet look like?
Meat would be healthy, but it’s full of microplastics. Fruits and vegetables would be healthy, but they’re doused in pesticides. Play it safe with a diet of powders, potions, shakes, and sludge. The healthiest foods come from cardboard boxes you can order on your phone. Keep in mind, strong muscles need protein. Chug protein like your life depends on it, because it literally does. Consume so much protein your kidneys can’t process it, then when your doctor tells you to stop, say, “I bet that’s exactly what Big Pharma wants me to do, isn’t it?” And of course, never consume seed oils. Don’t even google “seed oils.” If you don’t actually know what seed oils are, they can’t hurt you.
Can modern medicine be trusted?
Doctors make money by keeping you sick. Beat the system and get all your medical advice from the Internet. Take as many supplements as humanly possible. Bonus points if those supplements are illegal in your country.
Any advice for long-term brain health?
Keep your mind young and nimble by reading widely. Read books about history, self-sufficiency, how to grow things, how to be at peace with yourself, and how not to kill your kid(s). Solve The New York Times crossword puzzle daily.
Do you recommend skincare? I want to look younger too.
If you look good, you feel good. Get a skincare regimen to prevent signs of aging. Dry skin? Moisturize. Gray hair? Dye it. Sagging skin? Botox and Filler up as much as possible. Don’t worry about side effects. Don’t appreciate the way you look.
Is sun exposure okay?
The sun is poisonous. It will give you cancer, or worse, wrinkles. Avoid sun exposure at all costs. Drown yourself in sunscreen. Live underground. Find a pack of moles and slowly embed yourself in their society. Teach the moles about the benefits of intermittent fasting.
What about exercise?
For a long, healthy life, lift weights. Model your health on strong men who are built like commercial freezers and top looking models with zero flaws. Obviously, they are never photoshopped, and they ALL look exactly like in the picture in those dumb beauty magazines you read. Look for the classic markers of good health: taut skin, bloodshot eyes, and hair growing out of places you didn’t know existed.
What if I am in a toxic relationship?
Get out and stay single. Also, have no kids. Like zero. No marriage, and no kids.
Just give me your last piece of advice.
Death is a prison. To live forever is to break free. We must escape and fly high, like Icarus. Icarus escaped prison. Icarus flew high. He challenged the gods. I haven’t read the whole story, but that sounds like a pretty cool guy to base my life around. You should too.