During my careers over the past 25 years, I’ve developed a few strong work beliefs. For example: Always have hard conversations in person, not over email. Take all your vacation, and stay home if you are sick. Everything takes forever, so factor in more time than you think you’ll need. Obviously, there are many others but what is the #1 career lesson I’ve learned and the thing I teach my colleagues to do? The big takeaway I hope my kid will absorb? Here it is, and once you do it, it becomes easy…
Say a kind and firm no.
I say no allllllll day long, and I have zero emotions around it. People want a lot of things, and that’s great! They should ask for them! I ask them for things, too! But that doesn’t mean we all owe each other everything, just because we want stuff. You need to guard your time and bandwidth, and it’s absolutely fine to say yes or no to whatever is asked of you.
Saying no does NOT mean you’re ungenerous or unkind to others; it simply means you are careful with what you agree to take on. And when you say no, you can say bigger yeses!
Here’s one way to think about it: You have a certain amount of “coins” of time and bandwidth per day, and it’s up to you how you spend them. You wouldn’t give money to everyone who asked, and in the same way, you don’t need to give your help or time or energy just because people ask. If someone wants you to look over their resume, and that takes two coins, do you have two coins to spare? If yes, go ahead and share those coins. But if not — if you’re saving those two coins for prepping for a meeting, or hanging out with your family, or even just staring at the ceiling — say a kind no. Your time and bandwidth are valuable and limited and 100% yours to spend.
For any recovering people pleasers: please know that people can absolutely handle the small disappointment of having you say no to their requests. Respect them and trust that they will be just fine! We believe in them! I once had a smart, wonderful friend who got twisted in knots because she listed an armoire on Facebook Marketplace, and a bunch of people replied, but she could only give the armoire to one of them. I assured her that those who did not get the armoire would be able to handle it. They could move forward, armoire-less, and still have a nice life. Plus, it’s not her — or your or my — responsibility to manage other people’s emotions, which is a lesson I’ve spent a lot of my life learning.
I think it’s especially important for women to learn to say no, easily and often, since we can often feel immense pressure to serve others. It gets easier and easier as you practice, and once you get good at it? Honestly, it feels like freedom.
Here are a few “no” phrases to have in your back pocket, if you need them:
Someone invites you to a party/dinner/event and you don’t have the bandwidth:
This sounds like so much fun, but sadly I’m not free!
I can’t make it that night, but please think of me next time.
I have unbreakable plans* that night, unfortunately, but have the best time.
Someone wants to crash at your place but you don’t have the bandwidth:
I can’t host this month, but I’d love to see you when you’re here.
I am not able to host right now, but want me to recommend a few cute Airbnbs?
I can’t host this month, but please reach out again in the future. I love you!
Someone wants you to help with their work, but you don’t have the bandwidth:
Sadly, I’m not doing any side projects at the moment because of time constraints, but thanks for thinking of me.
I promised myself I wouldn’t take on anything else right now (bc of other commitments), so I have to pass, but I hope it goes so well.
Unfortunately, I’m booked up with my own stuff right now, but I’d love to help next time if the timing works!
* taking a hot bath, going out for ice cream, or reading in bed all count as unbreakable plans
Sometimes you’ll hear people say, “Just say yes, and you’ll figure it out. Just take the opportunity.” I’m like, “No. You can say no. Maybe you should say no a lot.” I’ve said no so many times. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have a job. So many people ask you for things constantly. Just find a kind and gracious way to say no, and say it over and over and over until there’s something you feel will really bring you value or there’s a real reason for doing it. But definitely don’t say yes to everything. That’s bananas advice. Get good at saying no.
Thoughts? How do you feel about saying no?