.SOMETIMES RAW.

Artwork by Shannon Cartier Lucy

Based on current celebrity beauty standards, the goals are clear: you need to look like you’re in your twenties until you’re thirty-five, then look thirty-five until you’re dead. Also, regardless of age or retirement eligibility, all women should have supple, lineless skin with no evidence of sunspots, muscle movement, or laughter. The only indication that you’ve been on Earth long enough to outlive a household pet should be the look in your eyes, which peer wearily out of your flawless, youthful face like a haunted doll.

To get specific about various body parts: boobs, obviously, should be perpetually high and firm, lips full and plump, and your hair long and flowing with the aid of extensions, even as you enter an assisted living facility, where it will invariably get tangled with your breathing equipment and other life-prolonging devices, which would be annoying if you were not so successfully clutching to the hallmarks of youth with steadfast determination.

But be careful how you cling. Hands and necks are a dead giveaway that you might have vivid memories of the New Kids on the Block, or worse, Studio 54, so you need to do whatever you can to take care of that whole situation. Hand transplants, neck power blasting, the surgical attachment of permanent, elbow-length gloves—don’t be afraid to get drastic. Just go to your local med spa or plastic surgeon, and say, “Help, the passage of time is evident on my body!”

It’s also important to be mindful of changing beauty trends, so you don’t inadvertently age yourself by trying to look young in the old way. For example, right now, filler-plumped, sexy balloon faces are out; gaunt, ageless vampire faces are in. So while just a few years ago, you may have paid some doctor to inject a bunch of goop into your cheeks until you looked like a beautiful, hairless chipmunk, you now need to have that goop sucked out of your cheeks ASAP, so you can look like, well, I guess, whatever the reverse of a chipmunk is. A gazelle? An anteater?

Anyway, it’s important to note that even if you follow this advice and update your body as often as you update your phone’s operating system, the thing about aging as a woman—just like all things related to being a woman—is that there are many, many ways to do it wrong. In fact, you’ve probably aged incorrectly already. Did you not get preventative Botox in elementary school? Did you get so much Botox you were once mistaken for dead? Has your appearance entered the uncanny valley? The uncanny valley is a hypothesis in the field of robotics and human-computer interaction. Are you not uncanny valley enough, to the point you’re walking around, for everyone to see, looking like a human woman who has maybe birthed children, frowned at some point, or been in the sun at least once? Did you furrow your brow while reading any of these questions? Uh-oh, another burgeoning flaw to fix.

If this all seems exhausting and impossible, rest assured: it is. You’re not imagining it. But take solace in the fact that, one day, things will be easier. Eventually, society will progress and finally ditch unrealistic expectations for women’s looks, or, alternatively, some tech-bro startup will figure out the science required to turn women into walking, occasionally talking, 3-D photo filters.

I hope being a filter isn’t too expensive. I’ve already spent a ton of money on hand transplants.

When I behave generously, I feel rich. I like feeling rich. So, I choose to be generous. 

Behaving generously doesn’t necessarily mean “donating money” or “giving away your last cookie.” Those are two options, sure, but there are plenty of other ways to be generous. 

You can share knowledge freely instead of hoarding it. Send a handwritten note instead of a text message. Make eye contact instead of staring down at your phone. Introduce a friend to someone they ought to meet and help them secure a new job, client, or opportunity. You can do big things, small things, simple things, all kinds of things.

The tiniest act of generosity can change someone’s day—or even change their whole life. 

Here are some of my ways to be ridiculously generous and feel ridiculously good. 

The best part is, you don’t need to “prepare.” You don’t have to “buy anything.” You don’t need to “give it some thought.” You don’t have to “clear space on your calendar.” You just need to fold a little generosity into your day, which often takes just a minute or two. 

Take a look at these possibilities. You could do one item from this list every day, 7 days in a row. It’s going to feel so good—and you’re about to become everyone’s favorite person.

1. Give a compliment to three strangers: a child, someone your own age, and an elder. Try to share a compliment that’s not related to their body or physical appearance. Instead, praise their inner qualities and skills. Say, “You’re amazing at riding that tricycle!” “You have the most calming voice. I could listen to you speak all day long.” “You inspire me to be more courageous.”

2. Find a Little Free Library near you and donate a book. Can’t find one? Start one. I did.

3. Choose a local show or a reading (improv, stand-up comedy, indie rock), convince a bunch of friends to buy tickets, and go see it. It can be an in-person show or a virtual show. Turn off your phones and give these performers your complete, undivided attention. Applaud vigorously. Make these hardworking performers feel like the superstars that they are.

4. If you see a couple—and they’re trying to take a selfie of themselves while on a romantic date or trip—ask, “Would you like me to take that photo for you?” Offer to help. Capture the moment. Extra credit: ask, “How did you two meet?” and give them an opportunity to tell you their love story. 

5. Send a bouquet of flowers to someone you love (your mom!)—to celebrate something specific or for no particular reason at all. It’s old-school and always a classic. Alternate ideas: send a potted plant rather than cut flowers, send a pizza delivery, or make a contribution to a great cause in their honor.

6. Tell a teenager: “You are so brilliant. I can’t wait to see who you become. And I love who you are right now.”

7. Tell your mom (or someone who feels like your mom): “You raised me right. Here is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from you: _______________.” [fill in the blank]

8. Tell your dad (or someone who feels like your dad): “You’ve given me so many gifts. Like the ability to _______________. Thank you.” [fill in the blank]

9. Go through your closet and clean and donate items. You’ll declutter your wardrobe and help someone in need.

10. Put away your phone and close down your inbox for a day—or even just an hour. Give the world the gift of your undivided, non-digital attention.

11. Tip generously.

12. Record an audio message for someone you’ve been meaning to thank for a while. Text it to them and tell them: “Keep this audio note and play it whenever you’re doubting your awesomeness.”

13. Buy a coffee or meal for a stranger.

14. Turn a photo from your smartphone into a real postcard. Send it. 

15. Give someone a grrrrreat massage. Here’s how.

16. When a friend tells you a piece of good news, respond with sincere enthusiasm. Make a fuss over them and say, “This is amazing news. We need to celebrate!” Whether it’s a new job, big client, moving to a new home, or something else, plan a celebration for your friend and do something to mark the moment. (Often, we rush through life so quickly and forget to take time to pause and acknowledge our victories. Helping a friend celebrate is such a generous gesture.)

17. Overwhelmed with too many things to read? Cancel magazine subscriptions and stop buying books for one month. Read all those books on your “To-be-Read-Pile”. You know what I am talking about.

18. Waiting in line? Strike up a conversation with somebody who looks bored, numb, or checked out. Start by asking: “What was the best part of your day?”

19. Reach out to a friend who’s been having a rough time. Say, “I know you’re dealing with a lot right now. I’d like to do something to make your life a tiny bit easier—to provide some relief. Here are 3 things I could do for you: (1) _________ (2) _________ (3) _________. Please let me know if you’d like 1, 2, or all 3. It would bring me joy to do this.” 

Fill in the blanks with things you’d be willing to do, such as cooking a meal, babysitting the kids, driving them to a doctor’s appointment, cleaning (or sending a housekeeper over to tidy up their home), or whatever you want to do. 

Note: instead of asking, “What can I do to help you? Please tell me what you need,” provide 2-3 options and ask your friend to pick what they want. This might be less overwhelming for your friend and can make it easier for them to accept help.

20. Make a playlist of uplifting music. Title your playlist: “Music to create hope,” “Music for motivation,” or “Listen to this when you want to feel lifted and inspired.” Share the playlist with a few friends, colleagues at work, or one special person in your life.

21. Leave a wrapped gift on top of your trash can with a note for your friendly neighborhood waste disposal professional. Or leave an envelope with a cash tip. They deal with unspeakable filth, every week, all for YOU.

22. Buy a gift for a total stranger. Or for someone you like. Just because.

23. Choose a friend. Grab a blank notebook. (Or this book.) Fill the book with love notes and compliments written by you and by other people, too. Give it to your friend. Now they have an entire book filled with reasons why they are awesome. They can flip through this book any time they’re feeling down.

24. Leave a platter of homemade treats (chocolate cake!) in the common area of your office. Extra credit: provide a list of ingredients (for folks who have food sensitivities).

25. Pray or send love to someone.

26. Encourage your kid(s) that they are awesome, that they did really well on something and that you are proud of them.

27. Go to the art supply/craft section of a local shop and leave a note that says, “Your art makes the world more beautiful.” The right person will find it, exactly when they need it.

28. Leave a rave review for your favorite podcast, your favorite book, your massage therapist, your favorite product, your favorite anything. Five stars!

29. Arrange a luxurious gift for a public school teacher. A concert pass. A nice bottle of wine. They have to deal with so many children at the same time. Send some love. 

30. Plan a weekly co-working session and invite a friend to join you (either online or in-person). Tell them, “Let’s get together, once a week, and use this time to work on our goals.” Use this time to write your novel, finish a dissertation, map out your marketing plan, onboard new clients, declutter your home, whatever you want to accomplish. This will be hugely beneficial for you—and your friend, too. They’ll be grateful that you took the initiative to plan this weekly get-it-done date.

31. Ask someone, “How are you doing—really?” Give them the opportunity to share what’s really going on. Listen without interrupting. Give them the gift of your presence and attention. 

Start this cycle of generosity all over again. Just because you can.

Me, unsuccessfully looking for money in a stream on a private property.

“Look, the Money is in my Account… aaaaand it’s Gone Already”…

This is a sentence a colleague said the other day when it was payday. I thought it was so funny because she was happy for a couple of minutes when the money first arrived (happy dance) and so sad a couple of minutes later when the automatic payments started to be deducted. In these tough economic times, it makes sense to save what little money you have. I bet no one has ever told you that. That wasn’t very nice of them. They probably want all of your money for themselves. A lot of people want your money, especially those fat cats at Amazon, and car dealerships and cab drivers who insist that you pay even if there was nothing good on Taxi TV. But other people want your money too. In fact, everyone does. Remember that!

First tip for saving money: When someone comes up to you on the street and says, “Give me all of your money,” instead of saying “Sure” say, “No way, Jose!” Then they’ll be like, “H-how did you k-know my name?” And they’ll run away. You still have your money!

Second tip for saving money is to prioritize. Do you really need toilet paper when you have paper towels? Do you really need more underwear? What is the point of it, really? Do you really need a winter coat when it’s just going to be summer again in six months? Is that prescription medicine necessary? You do know that most medicines are placebos anyway, right? Nothing an apple and a beer can’t fix! Trust me, I’m a doctor. A doctor of savings!

Third tip for saving money: Pay special attention to how much you waste everyday. Why are you throwing away the ends of the loaves of bread? Are they any less delicious? Actually, that’s true. They are less delicious. Someone should make loaves of bread that don’t have the annoying end pieces. Actually, don’t steal that idea, that’s mine.

Fourth tip for saving monies is to put aside a set amount of money every week into a piggy bank. Well, this is not really to save money, after all, only loose change fits into a piggy bank and piggy banks are only so big. Well, it could add up if you’re collecting pounds or Spanish galleons, but—let’s be honest—you’re not. No, this is for when you can’t afford that trip to Kenia or Atlantic City (why would you want to go there—sorry that’s your business) and you can take a hammer to the piggy bank and when all the coins spill out it’ll be like you won the slot machine! If you invest in enough piggy banks you can do this lots of times! Piggy banks cost money though.

You know what else I could do with the loaves of bread without the annoying ends idea? I could use all the annoying ends that I don’t use and compile them together to make a complete loaf and sell them to the weirdos that like that part of the bread. That’s economic and it’s a brilliant business plan. Seriously, if I go to a grocery store and see that someone has done this before me I will be really upset.

Like, super upset.

The fifth and final tip for saving money is to not make a lot of money. That way, even the little that you save is a bigger percentage of what you have, as opposed to if you were a really rich person. If I had millions of euros, let me tell you I’d be blowing through that in my private jet pretty quickly. Being poor makes you more fiscally responsible. So, for example, when people ask me, at parties and such, how much money I’ve saved, I say, “80 percent of my income,” which is true. And that makes me feel more secure. I can dip into that one hundred euros in change (and I mean literally in change, not like one hundred euros give or take) in my twelve piggy banks at time. I’m doing the responsible thing. Are you?

And in the end, it simply boils down to life choices we make. What we purchase and why, and if we really need it or if we can live without it. Sorry for the spoiler but these kind of calculations are actually pretty simple.