via The New Yorker
Have you ever been on hold for over one hour with your bank? My reason: subscriptions of a website I love to read ran out and cannot be renewed because my card was declined. For no reason! So, I called the 24-hour service hotline written with fat letters on the back of my bank card for help. Obviously, as one does. One problem I have is that more and more people get replaced by machines. Supermarkets, you name it. Robots and AI will rule the world eventually. To talk to a human being on a service hotline is almost impossible. This is what happened when I called my bank:
Thank you for dialing Bank A. Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully, as our options have recently changed.
How can we assist you today? Please tell us what your concern is. To hear about our new payment options, press 1. Are you tired of long response times? Pulling your hair out because your card does not work even though it is full of your hard-earned money and nothing seems to be the problem? Consider upgrading to Bank A+ today. Jump the line for just 19.99 Euro per month. It’s a small price to pay for peace of mind and freedom. Why did you say “nervous breakdown” when we asked you how we can assist you? This is not how this works.
To log in to your bank account, press 2. Please have your username, password, and secondary device ready for two-factor authentication. To create a new account, press #. No emergency assistance will be sent to users without a verified account.
To speak with Reguigui, our new Indian speaking AI response assistant, press 3. This portion of the call will be monitored, but Bank A is not responsible for anything Reguigui may say or imply about your racial background. Recording conversations with Reguigui is strictly prohibited, and posting videos of you calling Reguigui insults will result in a fifteen-minute response delay during your next call. We promise it’s not worth it.
Please note: Attempting to speak with a live representative now incurs a five-euro convenience fee. Let’s see how long you can “hold the line”. We will play some nice elevator music on repeat until foam starts to build around your mouth.
To access our payment management portal, press 4. Paying for your bills online has never been easier.
To listen to some soothing Austrian folk music, press 5. You will be charged by the minute. (At this point I was on hold for 38! minutes and fuming!)
To report a crime in progress, please submit a recent bank statement and a professional reference from your employer. Once Reguigui confirms you meet our income threshold, press 6. To skip this step, press 1 and subscribe to Bank A+ today. Once again, we are not responsible for any weird sexual comments Reguigui may make during this process.
To invest in Bank A-Coins, press 7. We don’t know what they are useful for either.
To report a bank card theft, press 8. After several brief thirty-second ads, you’ll be redirected to an theft response professional. For legal reasons, we are required to inform you that said professional will be Reguigui.
To speak to a bank professional manager, go find one yourself out there. What, you want us to hold your hand through the whole thing? What are you, some kind of weirdo? Press 9 to add a fifty-euro “wealth redistribution” charge to your account, since you like our bank so much.
Press 0 to give up and disconnect the call. This will also charge ten euros to your account.
To speak to a human being, press 10. That’s the 1 key followed by the 0 key. This will definitely not take you to the Bank A+ subscription menu and charge you ten euros.
Stay on the line to engage in phone sex with Reguigui. Your call may be recorded for quality assurance and for Reguigui’s personal collection.
To hear these options again, beg. Get on your knees and beg.
Louder…
Louder…
There we go. Unfortunately, you took too long. Here comes Reguigui. We hope you like to play.
And again, thank you so much for your call. It is truly important to us. Please take our survey which we will send you to all your emails listed with us. We appreciate your phone call.
