.SOMETIMES RAW.

So, I have got some big news for you: It is never too late to keep the body you have right now. Let’s be honest. Do you feel comfortable in your body? Do you want to lose weight or get in shape? I wanted to lose some weight, but it was not the initial goal. My goal was just to get in shape and be comfortable in my body. The most important thing is, don’t stress about it too much. Changing your eating habits a bit, working out a bit, everything in moderation and you should be fine.

With my easy step-by-step SAME OLD YOU program, you can:

• Fit into the clothes you’ve fit into every day for the last several years
• Learn to outsmart social media algorithms that fill your feeds with attractive people who desperately want you to lose weight
• Ensure that plenty of sugar-rich, low-protein snacks are around your house at all times
• Exercise only when you feel like it, and then not very much

Sound too good to be true? I get it. I was sceptical too. But over the last decade, I have done plenty of research, and spoken to thousands of women, leading to an astonishing discovery: you are totally fucking fine the way you are.

I won’t pretend it’s easy to maintain your physique’s average status quo in your forties and fifties, especially when everyone at the office is doing Zumba on Thursdays after work, and your friend just started CrossFit, and your kid got you a FitBit for your last birthday. It takes hard work to avoid the temptation to recapture the boundless energy and rock-hard abs you didn’t have when you were thirty. But the perks of not changing are 100 percent worth it.

You know that wardrobe you’ve spent your entire adult life assembling? If you follow my plan, it’s not going anywhere. We all know how comforting it is to see a photo of yourself from twenty years ago, thinking the shirt you’re wearing looks familiar, and realizing that’s because you’re wearing that same shirt right now. Kids threw up on that shirt. You spent the night in New York in that shirt. You’ve been breaking in that jeans shirt for decades… God knows you shouldn’t have to give it up now when it’s so worn in you could wad it into the size of a washcloth.

But how to avoid the trap of social media? Follow my program to thwart even the slyest algorithms and keep those cheerfully ripped people out of your news feed. Sneak peek: to dupe the algorithm, you must never type the following words into a search engine: flab, pre-menopause, sag, menopause, breasts, post-menopause, sand, and butt. And under no circumstances should you ever write the phrase “belly fat” in any form (including but not limited to “fat belly,” “belly fatness,” “fattest belly ever,” “Impossibly Fat Belly,” etc.). Not into a search engine, not in an email or Facebook post, not even with a freaking pen on a pale pink Post-it note, because they will hunt you down and they will find you and not rest until you agree to try their Superfood Smoothies.

Worried a handful of protein-rich almonds might tempt you? No problem. Every few days, replace those almonds with any chocolate bar with almonds or an almond croissant. Feel like nibbling on raw vegetables? Fine. But how about a little Mayo dip to go with that on Wednesdays? By following my plan, any food you think you should eat can be transformed into food you want to eat. Moderation is key here.

Finally, there is exercise as mentioned above. I know what you are saying: You best friend Sarah walks twelve thousand steps a day, every day, even when it is raining. You know what I say? Sarah must not like herself very much. If you hit 12 kilometer one day, good for you. If the next day you mostly walk from room to room in your house, trying to find your phone and don’t break 1 kilometer, also good for you!

You don’t need to be perfect. Want to slip a little exercise into your daily routine? Go ahead, but don’t be consistent about it, and don’t push yourself too hard. Sometimes I do deep knee bends in the kitchen while my high-carb seafood sauce and pasta are boiling. Usually, I do twelve unless I feel like stopping at ten, or four.

Listen, you haven’t gotten to be the person you are today by planking, so why start now? Join my program and vow never to change. Fact is, I like you like this. And you should too!

Wake up my sleepy, and loud open-mouth-breather, it’s 4:01 a.m. and I feel chatty! I might be small but I’m a warm-blooded lunatic and I’m right outside your bedroom door.

I love each new day, what it might bring, the possibilities, and the joy of the unknown. One thing is certain, though, and that is the barking I will do out of the top of my lung if I am bored and you don’t play with me. Every single day. Did you think I might take time off here and there? Wrong. What kind of dog would I be if I let a morning pass without using the voice God gave me? That’s called apathy, my friend, I am not about to relax quietly as the world goes on sleeping. You might want to rest for it seems to be eight hours a night but not me, no ma’am, my belly is hungry and I am alive with ballistic energy.

GET UP! It is hunting time, and I am a hungry dog. I am going to run the hell out of this yard. Did you know sound travels twenty times faster in the morning? Woof Woof Woof, motherfuckers! (I don’t really mean that. I just heard it from one of my dog friends, a black, mean pitbull) So, back to the sound topic: That means it is going to pass right through your skull into the meat.

You probably hope you can fall back to sleep in a few minutes, but I assure you, you cannot. I am about to turn it up. I have got a buddy next door to rip off a cacophony, and we don’t take harmonisation lightly. We live by the barking song and die by the song. The only thing you will be singing is a lamentation, you sleepy human.

My, my, I can tell you are irritated when I tilt my neck, jump around and look at you with my dark, cute, marble eyes. You are clearly stressed out by my gorgeous barking and running around. Ha! Okay, listen, I have a heart too. It beats just like yours. I am sorry if I have come off a little strong this time and every single morning. Would you like me to keep it down? I can do that, until 4:45 a.m. It is the best I can offer, and you should learn when to take a deal.

I see you are playing dead and trying to ignore me. I am running around outside now and you are closing the window. Gonna get pretty stuffy in there. When you are tossing and turning in your hot bed, think of me out there, running around in your garden in the fresh air. Those toys you put out for me? Don’t care one bit. I want you to play with me. You! You know what interferes with my barking? Nothing. The bones and chew toys? Won’t catch my attention. No, ma’am, this barking show will continue and your ticket is free. Your trees and grass are too good – I mean too good – to not run around and bark and pee and shit on everything. This is my world and you are just a tall visitor.

Whoa whoa! Did you see that awesome pond in your backyard? Wow! This is amazing. Let’s jump right in. Oh, I don’t know the way out but I can swim. Let’s bark more so you will rescue me and show me the way out. Please rescue me. I am still so tiny. Are these frogs and is this a snake? That is amazing. There is just so much going on and it is sooooo early. The birds always say “The early bird catches the worm” this is why I am up, too. I mean, you just never know and I might miss something at 4 a.m.

In any case, are you up now? I just keep barking because I am good at it. Please, open the door and let me in. Pleeeeeeeese. I always wonder what humans do in there all night. Open the door!!!!!! Woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark. Listen, human, I have got some business with the dog next door now at the fence but that has nothing to do with your sleep nonsense. It is dog stuff; you wouldn’t understand. When I finish up that really important dog topic over there, get ready to wake you up at 5.30 a.m., and we will play all day.

But most importantly, I love you unconditionally. Woof, woof.

It seems so many women are getting pregnant these days. Do I want to get pregnant again? Hellz no! I do have an almost nine year-old son who I love unconditionally and the whole parenting thing becomes easier or let’s say “it changes”. But the thought to have another baby gives me chills.

Besides, giving birth is just so much pain. It is a beautiful child you end up with. I am aware of that but I don’t need another baby growing inside of me for nine months. For one thing, there is morning sickness. If I am going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting a lot of good food and drinks the night before. I know that a woman glows when she is pregnant, and that sounds neat. But, I can get a pretty good glow by enjoying a steam bath followed by some assorted skin creams on sale from the commissary.

Overall, I think my best quality as a mother is the ability to communicate complex ideas simply. This is one of my assets. I think all parents dread the old “How are babies made” question. “Mom, how are babies made?” “Well, Joel, honey, there is an egg.” “Like a chicken egg?” “No, smaller. Much, much smaller!” And Daddy gives Mommy…. Well, there is Papa Bear and Mama Bear and the Mama Bear has the baby in her tummy…..” “So, I grew in a bear’s stomach?” “No, but if you were a bear you would have.” “But I am not a bear?” “No, you are a little boy.” “So, where did I grow?” “In Mommy’s tummy.” “How did I get there?” “Daddy gave me his special sauce.” “Like McDonald’s? How did he give it to her? In a hamburger?” “Yeeeeeees!” “I like burgers. Good night.” “Good night, sleep tight.”

Kinda like this? I know I could do a much better job answering that question. The more children there are, the more explaining about sex there is to be done. By sex I mean, of course…. sex. There are many different types of sex, but for the purpose of this explanation I am just talking about…. you know, sex. In other words, you might have two consenting adults, drinks, roses or confetti. What they do may be very beautiful and spiritual fulfilling, but it is not necessarily something you would care to explain to a child.

Okay, I think I have defined our terms, so let’s get on with the explanation but first I have to throw in one more thought: Have you ever wondered how people figured out that eggs were edible? Did they see something come out of a chicken and think, “Boy, I bet that would be tasty?” There had to be a first person who ever ate an egg. I am sure it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, there are pictures in a cave in the south of France showing a Neanderthal eating an egg and getting a big mouthful of egg shells; to the side there are other Neanderthals pointing at him and laughing. But who got the last laugh? I don’t really know, I wasn’t there. Also, this might not be true. It is possible it is just a dream I had one night after eating a bad oyster. So, back to business.

What you have got to do is just explain sex simply and to the point. You just say, “When you get older you are going to meet somebody that you really, really, really like. Well, if you are lucky you are going to like that person. Maybe you don’t even like them a lot, but at least they don’t bug you too much. Or, okay, it is, let’s say, closing time at the bar. It is really late and you have been knocking down quite a few drinks. And you know how the lighting is a those bars. I mean, everybody looks good. But then the next morning you look at the person next to you, and you are like, “AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh, holy fucking shit!”

Maybe it is better to be a bit more allegorical. Tell a little story. You could say that there is a Papa Bear and a Mama Bear. And the Mama Bear says, “Where is that Papa Bear? He hasn’t been home in a long time. He says he is working late at the pretzel factory, but I don’t believe that lying grizzly bastard.” So she hires another bear to follow the Papa Bear – a Detective Bear. Well, the Detective Bear shadows the Papa Bear for a week. Then he tells the Mama Bear that every night, after work, Papa Bear goes to the same hotel room in town. Well, Mama Bear decides that she is going to give Papa Bear a big surprise. So, she goes to the hotel, kicks down the door, and there in the heart-shaped tub, sipping champagne, as naked as the day they were born are…..No, this isn’t a good way either.

Other possible explanations: There is a big fat queen Bee, and she likes her honey. So, she is in her chive and all the male bees are just buzzing around saying, “Ooooooohhh baby, I feel lucky tonight.” Or you take a big tub of butter, some milk, two or three eggs, a bit of vanilla…. No, I am sorry, that is not sex, that’s my recipe for French toast. At least I hope that’s not sex.

You know, I think the best idea is just to let the child watch cable TV. Or go out and rent the movie 9 1/2 Weeks. When I was in school, they showed us a sex education film about a boy is calling up a girl on the phone and asking her out on a date. Nowadays, I am sure they show 9 1/2 Weeks in a Transgender Version.

So, in conclusion, that’s how I would talkt to a child about sex. I sincerely hope that I have been of help. Excuse me, but I have got to go out for a short walk. All of a sudden it has gotten very hot in here, and I have developed a craving for French toast.