So, I was waiting for a return email and at the same time I could not log into my account anymore. I simply could not. The password was still the same, didn’t need to be changed but I wasn’t able to log in and register for all those mandatory online trainings. So much pressure.
I contacted the IT/admin/systems office to get some help. “Well…. this happens all the time”, the IT person told me. “But don’t worry. It is easy to fix!”
Here are the instructions I received from the IT guy on how to log in to the portal:
1. Go to the URL provided in the email that was sent. I could just put it here again, but that would make it too easy.
2. If you can’t find the email, check your spam folder.
3. If you still can’t find it, call the IT office again. But first you’ll have to look up the number.
4. No one will answer the phone because no one’s in the office yet. We are all out for breakfast, brunch, lunch or simply coffee.
5. Leave a message.
6. Wait for someone to return the message.
7. Realize no one is returning your message.
8. Text your friend who has the number of the guy who works there.
9. Log on to the website.
10. Forget your login.
11. Click the link “FORGOT LOGIN.”
12. Receive a message that your email is not on file.
13. Congratulate yourself on writing down your login from last year.
14. Try again.
15. Fail to log in.
16. Drink two cups of coffee.
17. Try to read the instructions on the website for how to access the portal.
18. Call IT again.
19. Speak with someone. A human being, not a machine.
20. Wonder if it is actually the person or if it is just a coincidence.
21. Think about the other famous actress whose kids go to your kid’s school.
22. Briefly entertain fantasy about becoming best friends with her.
23. The woman from the school office says she will email you.
24. Check email.
25. Check spam folder.
26. Realize nobody is going to email you. They are probably busy fielding anxious phone calls from 75 other people.
27. Try to log on to the website again.
28. This time, you think you know your username but you forgot your password.
29. Click “FORGOT PASSWORD.”
30. Receive message that your email is not on file.
31. Bang your head against your computer. Hard.
32. Go to the Facebook group for these computer issues and post that you cannot access the portal.
33. Receive helpful tips from other people.
34. Try helpful tips.
35. Give up.
36. Try again.
37. Wonder if you read the instructions on the website too quickly.
38. Read them again, slowly.
39. Try logging in again, the same way you did last time.
40. Meet with failure again.
41. Look at the login information you wrote down from last year again. Begin to doubt its accuracy.
42. Decide you need to look elsewhere for the ID number you need to log in. Did they change it at some point?
43. Search email for “Log-In ID.”
44. Find 100 emails that are not relevant.
45. Get distracted by other emails.
46. Delete emails.
47. Respond to emails.
48. Do some online shopping after following a link in one of the emails.
49. Focus!
50. Try searching again with “Log-In ID” plus the name of the department.
51. Find a copy and open the file.
52. See the work ID at the top corner of the page.
53. It has one more digit than the number you’d written down.
54. It has TWO zeros in it, and not one.
55. Log on to the website.
56. Login using the CORRECT ID number.
57. You will be prompted to change your password.
58. Change your password.
59. Write it down, you idiot! CORRECTLY this time!
60. Find the information for all mandatory trainings.
61. Realize the information is incorrect.
62. Look around for a way to correct this information.
63. You will not find a way to correct the information on the website.
64. You will need to call IT again.
65. No one will answer the phone.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Your IT support team
