It seems so many women are getting pregnant these days. Do I want to get pregnant again? Hellz no! I do have an almost nine year-old son who I love unconditionally and the whole parenting thing becomes easier or let’s say “it changes”. But the thought to have another baby gives me chills.
Besides, giving birth is just so much pain. It is a beautiful child you end up with. I am aware of that but I don’t need another baby growing inside of me for nine months. For one thing, there is morning sickness. If I am going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting a lot of good food and drinks the night before. I know that a woman glows when she is pregnant, and that sounds neat. But, I can get a pretty good glow by enjoying a steam bath followed by some assorted skin creams on sale from the commissary.
Overall, I think my best quality as a mother is the ability to communicate complex ideas simply. This is one of my assets. I think all parents dread the old “How are babies made” question. “Mom, how are babies made?” “Well, Joel, honey, there is an egg.” “Like a chicken egg?” “No, smaller. Much, much smaller!” And Daddy gives Mommy…. Well, there is Papa Bear and Mama Bear and the Mama Bear has the baby in her tummy…..” “So, I grew in a bear’s stomach?” “No, but if you were a bear you would have.” “But I am not a bear?” “No, you are a little boy.” “So, where did I grow?” “In Mommy’s tummy.” “How did I get there?” “Daddy gave me his special sauce.” “Like McDonald’s? How did he give it to her? In a hamburger?” “Yeeeeeees!” “I like burgers. Good night.” “Good night, sleep tight.”
Kinda like this? I know I could do a much better job answering that question. The more children there are, the more explaining about sex there is to be done. By sex I mean, of course…. sex. There are many different types of sex, but for the purpose of this explanation I am just talking about…. you know, sex. In other words, you might have two consenting adults, drinks, roses or confetti. What they do may be very beautiful and spiritual fulfilling, but it is not necessarily something you would care to explain to a child.
Okay, I think I have defined our terms, so let’s get on with the explanation but first I have to throw in one more thought: Have you ever wondered how people figured out that eggs were edible? Did they see something come out of a chicken and think, “Boy, I bet that would be tasty?” There had to be a first person who ever ate an egg. I am sure it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, there are pictures in a cave in the south of France showing a Neanderthal eating an egg and getting a big mouthful of egg shells; to the side there are other Neanderthals pointing at him and laughing. But who got the last laugh? I don’t really know, I wasn’t there. Also, this might not be true. It is possible it is just a dream I had one night after eating a bad oyster. So, back to business.
What you have got to do is just explain sex simply and to the point. You just say, “When you get older you are going to meet somebody that you really, really, really like. Well, if you are lucky you are going to like that person. Maybe you don’t even like them a lot, but at least they don’t bug you too much. Or, okay, it is, let’s say, closing time at the bar. It is really late and you have been knocking down quite a few drinks. And you know how the lighting is a those bars. I mean, everybody looks good. But then the next morning you look at the person next to you, and you are like, “AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh, holy fucking shit!”
Maybe it is better to be a bit more allegorical. Tell a little story. You could say that there is a Papa Bear and a Mama Bear. And the Mama Bear says, “Where is that Papa Bear? He hasn’t been home in a long time. He says he is working late at the pretzel factory, but I don’t believe that lying grizzly bastard.” So she hires another bear to follow the Papa Bear – a Detective Bear. Well, the Detective Bear shadows the Papa Bear for a week. Then he tells the Mama Bear that every night, after work, Papa Bear goes to the same hotel room in town. Well, Mama Bear decides that she is going to give Papa Bear a big surprise. So, she goes to the hotel, kicks down the door, and there in the heart-shaped tub, sipping champagne, as naked as the day they were born are…..No, this isn’t a good way either.
Other possible explanations: There is a big fat queen Bee, and she likes her honey. So, she is in her chive and all the male bees are just buzzing around saying, “Ooooooohhh baby, I feel lucky tonight.” Or you take a big tub of butter, some milk, two or three eggs, a bit of vanilla…. No, I am sorry, that is not sex, that’s my recipe for French toast. At least I hope that’s not sex.
You know, I think the best idea is just to let the child watch cable TV. Or go out and rent the movie 9 1/2 Weeks. When I was in school, they showed us a sex education film about a boy is calling up a girl on the phone and asking her out on a date. Nowadays, I am sure they show 9 1/2 Weeks in a Transgender Version.
So, in conclusion, that’s how I would talkt to a child about sex. I sincerely hope that I have been of help. Excuse me, but I have got to go out for a short walk. All of a sudden it has gotten very hot in here, and I have developed a craving for French toast.
