.SOMETIMES RAW.

I am now in thin-ice territory.

Talking about relationships, especially toxic ones, are bound to cause distress and, in some cases, even heartbreak. Upsetting as it might get, most of us, sooner or later, are bound to find ourselves in this type of toxicity. How to get out? That’s where things get difficult. When a relationship starts turning sour, we immediately write it off as nothing more than a rough patch. Everyone has their ups and downs, and we want to be there both for the better and for the worse.

When time passes and the good times are a distant memory, we need to acknowledge that we are in trouble. Our treasured relationships, no matter if they are a love affair, friendship, or family member variety, are worth fighting for. But what happens when you are the only one fighting? When you are exhausting yourself to no avail, getting neither help nor appreciation from your loved one? Or even worse, when that person treats you with outright unkindness or disrespect? What happens if you, after every meeting, leave feeling drained, sad, angry, or hopeless, and you no longer believe the relationship to be salvageable?

We are taught to never give up on love, but what about when love gives up on us?

Whenever I talk about simplicity, minimalism, or scaled-down life choices, I inevitably end up on the subject of decluttering, organising, and downsizing – leaving my home, wardrobe, desktop, or mind feeling spars, clear, neat, and manageable. I go through my drawers, kitchen, phone, schedules, attics, and music playlists with gusto, discarding anything I render to be more dragging-down than a pick-me-up.

Yet, the one place I seem desperately reluctant to go through with trash bags in hand is my contact list. Few want to be considered selfish enough to only keep the relationships that are rewarding and respectful. But why? Why do we value the privilege of your own company so low, that it needn’t be received with gratitude? Or at the very least with appropriately good manners? We often find ourselves accepting toxic treatment that we would be appalled by if done to others. Could it maybe, just maybe, be that leaving is something reasonable to do? And instead, give your energy to the relationships that are deserving of it?

Simplifying our life often comes down to reducing the overwhelming and stress-inducing components of our day-to-day routines. Whether it be material things, thought processes, or activities. We want to focus on the things that give energy instead of drain it, that give us happiness instead of worry, that give our everyday life beauty and meaning instead of tension and anxiety. This is a good way to live. It makes sense and is reasonable. It might be selfish, but then again, what isn’t? Yet, the thought of decluttering where need be, especially among our relationships, is a daunting one. Giving your full focus to the things, thoughts, people, and plans that deserve you isn’t just selfish, it is also fair. To yourself, if no one else.

To tread carefully on this thin ice, I could assure you that I am not suggesting something as drastic as breaking up or letting a toxic relationship peter you out. But then maybe I am. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

“I’ve learned to value failed conversations, missed connections, confusions. What remains is what’s unsaid, what’s underneath. Understanding on another level of being.” – Anna Kamienska

It is what it is. This statement could simply define our collective malaise. Lately, I have been catching this phrase uttered repeatedly. Another pandemic lockdown: it is what it is. A breakup: it is what it is. A missed deadline: it is what it is. No sex: it is what it is. Lost keys: it is what it is. The 3-G rule at work: it is what it is. New Corona rules and regulations: it is what it f***ing is.

Sometimes there is an optimism to these words. It is what it is, and I can find a way to tolerate the circumstances and work with what it is. Then there is a shrug of resignation, it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it, nothing to work with. Both lenses hold a truth, but where the former offers acceptance, the latter brings an abandonment of hope.

Perhaps, I abandon hope as a way to protect myself. When things are difficult, uncertain, and weird, my responses get hard, rigid, and defensive. So, if it is what it is, how do I “dance” with what is?

I begin to find something to value in the circumstance, in this mess, I can sometimes find something miraculous. If I cannot find something to value, maybe I am stuck in some weird mindset. Maybe I am trying to change things, trying to dissect things, trying to win at things. But in the trying, I often muddy the water that is best cleared by leaving things alone.

To me, it becomes a dance between taking responsibility for what I can control and find value within it, and leaving alone what I cannot. That is perhaps the difficulty. I keep splashing about because I don’t want to lose something, be it an expectation, be it an opportunity, be it hope. But finding a way to be okay with whatever it is becomes about accepting loss.

Are you still with me? I hope you are.

One of my favourite poems is One Art by Elizabeth Bishop, a prompt to ‘lose something every day.’ This is a practice because I don’t want to lose things. I want to hold on tight. I don’t want to accept it is what it is, because then I lose what it is not. But as Bishop opens the poem, ‘The art of losing isn’t hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.’

“And so it goes….” – Kurt Vonnegut

Sometimes how it goes feels like a deluge of loss. Lost keys, lost love, lost experiences. But perhaps that deluge is leading us to something and helping to soften us into the dance. As Anne Lamott wrote, “When a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born—and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.”

Sometimes, this distraction allows me to step back and see what THIS really is. To uncover what I might have been long ignoring, to extract the reality from a fantasy, to hold the good bits and the not so good bits. Sometimes, this distraction is teaching me to hold things lightly. To learn a bit, to laugh a bit, to let it go. Sometimes, this distraction is showing me what I really need.

Sometimes, this distraction is teaching me to brace uncertainty with love, rather than resistance. Then I tell myself that it all may look like a wreck, but I go at it like it is a new opportunity, a new challenge. And I bring love to it all. Any disaster I can survive is an improvement in my character, my stature, and my life.

“Every storm runs out of rain” – Maya Angelou

I don’t know when I will meet another storm. That is the basic truth of life. It is unfair and it doesn’t make sense. But if I can bring love to the moment, maybe in time I won’t mind so much, or at least find myself caring about certain issues less. I just don’t mind that much anymore what happens and this way what is can be what it is. From my side, there is no resistance (doesn’t get me anywhere anyway), aversion, gasping or chasing around in a spinning wheel. This does not mean I become passive. It simply is what it is, this is what I need, I don’t mind what happens are all forms of acceptance that allows me to greet my wants, goals and desires and work toward them, without worrying about how something will turn out.

So, to sum this all up. You worry and resist, you grasp, but it will be what it will be whether you worry, resist or grasp. You can sometimes lower your expectations to ensure you aren’t hurt by whatever it will be, but you can still encounter hurt. It is what it is. Whether I lose something, whether someone is disappointed in us, whether something turns out differently from how I expected. All I can do is keep going with what is, finding the love in it, accepting and soften. So my sharp edges don’t wind up being death by a thousand cuts but I can mould to what is, instead. After all, it is what it is, and it is also this. The surprise phone call from a friend, this memory, this person who loves you, your kid(s) who love(s) you, this smile, this idea. Just look around at everything beautiful in your day. Take it all with you – what it is, what it is not, what you have lost, what you have gained, what you are waiting for, what has arrived. And then just dance with it all.

Me: Where should we eat?

A: I’m happy to go anywhere! Really. I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. Any restaurant you have in mind? Do we need to get tested? Masks? Which kind? One vaccine? Two? Booster shot? Download the app? Social distancing?

Me: Who cares. I’ll go to literally any restaurant in town. Any neighborhood that’s more convenient for you? Any kind of food you’re craving?

A: Nothing in particular. Do you have dietary restrictions?

Me: No, I can eat literally anything. And I’m happy to do it! I can reach inside a trash can, pull out the first thing my hand clutches, and take a big bite of whatever it happens to be, no problem! Are there cuisines we should avoid?

A: No, I enjoy eating every cuisine from every region of every country in the world. At this point, if there were a restaurant that served poison, I would gleefully meet you there if we don’t need a PCR test and 1G, 2G or some other bullshit. Are you in the mood for something specific? Tacos, sushi, pasta — they are all equally appealing. I don’t have a PCR test though. Do you have a specific restaurant in mind that serves tacos, sushi, or pasta? It sounds like you might be thinking of a specific restaurant. I remain 100 percent neutral in the restaurant selection process. I’m just so chill and easygoing that I could genuinely go anywhere. I just need to get the PCR test first. And the antibody test. And a new mask.

Me: Same here. These days, I am equally chill and easygoing. You could take me to a restaurant where the waiters slap you in the face. You could take me to a restaurant that only serves ice cream cones children dropped on the ground. You could take me to a restaurant that’s on Mars and I’d never see my family ever again. Let’s eat at DONTGETTHEJAB. I read great reviews and the food is supposed to be incredible.

A: Is that the restaurant close to where you live? I think they have the 2G or 1G rule now. But you can get in without anything if you whistle the first and last name of the waiter with the dark hair.

Me: Yep. Do you want to try that one? Sounds good.

A: Let’s do it. I am clay at the hands of your restaurant choices. I yield to your dining whims. Mold me. I am yours.

Me: Are we still talking about food? Hey, have you heard about the Mu Mutation of the Corona virus? It is supposed to be incredibly dangerous and contagious. No vaccine on this planet can help you with that shit. But, another lockdown will make things better and will give the experts and scientists time to invent another vaccine quickly. With this one you will be okay until it is time for the 56th mutation of the virus and lockdown 29. But you will get a free bratwurst. This is all insane and makes no sense to me anymore.

A: I am so confused by all this as well. This is way too complicated for my delicate brain. So FFP2 masks again now? This is ridiculous. I want to curl up in fetal position and cry myself to sleep. There is no end to this. Am I depressed?

Me: Should we just go to that spot we always go to? That Asian restaurant?

A: That place sucks.

Me: Hey, you know what? Let’s cook at my place.

A: Great. Like usual. I love how you cook. I will bring the wine.

Me: Sounds great. Come on over. No mask or tests required.