“If you follow the classical pattern, you are understanding the routine, the tradition… you are not understanding yourself.” – Bruce Lee
It is not unheard of that in any career, creative practice or life stage, it may be rather difficult to know the next step, in which direction to go. All these things can feel like impossible tasks. Maybe they are. Many times we make decisions and rarely know where they will lead us and we cannot predict what kind of career ladder will reveal itself as we take our first steps into new territory. To just focus on goals or long-term plans that seem to work can many times rather prove futile. As comedian Tim Minchin put it, “If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny things out the corner of your eye.“
Following a classical pattern or how things are supposed to be closed me off from pursuing what truly drives and excites me. So, I want to take the next step simply from a desire to upskill, from this restlessness for months now and the feeling of being stuck. This moment before taking action left me feeling uncertain, indecisive, confused and even fearful. I asked myself many times if I am ready or simply restless because, whenever things are uncertain all I crave is certainty. I know I cannot speed up time to get desired answers or shut off what is happening right now but what I can do is to focus and develop a passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals that make sense for now. I simply have to work with whatever is right in front of me. Whenever I do not know what steps to take next, I take a break and then start with the smallest steps first to look out for opportunities that may appear. Because it is okay and maybe sometimes even beneficial to take a break instead of a step. I took some time off now to fill up my tanks and I am ready for new chapters in my life.
I started by asking myself questions. What is it I really want? What makes me happy? Such questions are important to determine what the self really wants. I really checked in with myself. It is safety I need? Is it a secure job and the security it gives me? So, I came up with the idea to step outside my present settings and asked if a new environment may bring clarity. Last weekend at the cottage I was able to reflect and get clarity on where I am going and why I do want to go in this direction.
Long story short, I figured out what I want. I want to take a leap in different directions. I want to go to the next stage and challenge but I do not know what that looks like quite yet for one way even though I have articulated it in my head. One direction is crystal clear and I know what I get myself into because I have been there and this is actually what I want and need in my life right now. I cannot be stuck in my head anymore trying to figure things out that may never work out.
Currently, I am accepting that there is always a waiting period and impatience can rear its head when I am feeling stuck after I have done everything possible. Everything will eventually unfold and when one door closes, another one opens. I also know that taking the next step won’t magically change everything in my life but I still have certain expectations that I want to meet. I trust myself while putting and throwing myself in these new situations and will see what happens. I know I can put my son and myself where we need to be. I feel that I need to follow these directions because this time I am trusting my gut and believe in myself. This way I celebrate my achievements as I go and remind myself of them if I start feeling a bit wobbly and just keep going.
I am still sad and excited simultaneiously but it is time to start fresh because my life simply cannot go on like this. Nothing has changed here for me which makes it easier to move on. Most importantly, I need to give myself time to heal. I follow my heart and gut and I know that after a lot of stress, I deserve to be happy while everything is lining up for me. When I feel sad that I left, I feel excited, too. I know that I will be connected to my family and friends in Canada at a very deep level.
“However will we cope without you. I guess we will find out“. How do you know it is true love? Because you feel free and at home at the same time. From my heart to yours.